Window Into My Reality

I think I can...

2011-12-14T16:57:00.002-05:00

I think I can blog from my new iPhone. Well we'll see if this posts! Lol. I might have a character limit idk yet

Life is ok at the moment. Work is work. When our trucks were both down my sister Sara started spending the might here...all week ...so that she can have a ride into work. It's not an ideal situation. She's my sister and I love her but these past few weeks have been interesting

Gotta go

The Price

2011-11-26T15:42:00.002-05:00

The price for having Thanksgiving day off at my job is: having to work the following Saturday. BOOOO!! At least we only worked 5.5 hours today. There is that much. Since we also have Monday off - we get an extra holiday a year and they give it to us on the first day of rifle hunting season, go fif. lol. But we'll probbly have to work next Saturday too because of that. Oh well, at least it'll look nice in the paycheck. Given the stress I was under today, tryig to catch all my product (damn knuckles anyway) and train my new hire...I am so ready not to go back on Tuesday. I wonder if Unemployment would except stress and insanity as a good reason to quit. Probably not.

Of coure, when it rains it pours. Justin had pulled the engine in our blue dodge when the engine in our green dodge decides to go! So now he's trying to get the blue one back together so he can work on the green one. The green one was a gift from his parents, a truck he's wanted since a teen. The engine shouldn't have went, since it hadn't been out of the garage that long. But I think it came with the problem, so no one can blaim my driving, or Justin's!

I apologize for any typoes I miss. I'm sitting in an awkward position, and I'm trying to type too fast. Justin also decided that now was a good time to do some remodeling in the trailer since it's basically ours now. He tore out an entire wall...2 closets...to connect 2 rooms. It'll be nice when we're done...it's just getting there that will take forever!! In the mean time, my copmuter position is a pain in the tookus.

Such is life.

I get to see the doctor on Monday. I hope I can get more medicine from him. I think that anti-depressant was beginning to work, but since I couldn't see him the first time, I ran out and have to wait to see him. It wasn't doing a thorough job, I still woke up during the night, which is why he gave it to me in the first place. Maybe a higher dose. idk. we'll see.

Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:08:00.003-05:00

Hope all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving is having a happy one! Justin and I will be going to his remaining a little later today. It is usually a nice experience.

Missing family today. I remember several Thanksgiving meals growing up that were crowded. Junior and his fam would come, always Glenda. We have one picture of all ten of us kids gathered around our father. It is a treasured picture, as only one other picture like that exists.

Have a good day everyone, I just don't have anything else to write at the moment.

Alone

2011-11-19T09:07:00.003-05:00

Alone at last.

My sister has been spending a few days with us because our truck has been down and since she rides to work with me, it's easier for her to catch a ride with my ride than finding one of her own.

And I was having a rough evening last night, and just wanted to be alone...but since she is here I really couldn't. And when Justin came home and turned on his X-box, well that ruled out the bedroom anyway.

But they are both gone ... he's gone up to the mountain to work on the truck, she's gone shopping with our mother. So I'm blogging and facebooking while doing laundry. I'm going to drag out the poem I started about my late brother and see if I can't get that posted later this weekend.

Of course, I will grow tired of the aloneness eventually and wish them back. Unless they come back before I'm ready! lol! Have a good weekend everyone.

Reality Bites

2011-10-31T08:36:00.003-04:00

Actually, the reality of this mornings phone call has not set in yet. We've only had phone service back for a week, internet a little less. And what news and what comfort it brings at the same time.

I received 2 phone calls early this morning. I should have been up and out of bed already, but since Justin was going to drive my sister and I into work, I was cheating and staying in bed a few extra minutes. It was my Mother telling me that my oldest brother had had a minor heart attack an was on his way into surgery for a blockage. I didn't think much of it, 'minor' heartattack...blockage...no big deal...they fix this stuff all the time...Uncle Bob had one and was ok. But maybe 5 minutes later, she called again...this time to say that he hadn't made it.

The reality has not hit me yet. I feel the shock and the sorrow...but thre is a tiny corner of my mind that is protesting. This can't be real. Icky can't really be dead. (His name was Glen Richard but his knickname was Icky for some reason I've never known) He was too young...maybe 54 or 55...the first three kids were so close in age, I'm never sure. Was. Apparently part of me has accepted the reality. My first instinct was just like those I've read in the 'In Death' series...'No, it's no true. I'll call him and ask him what the heck is going on.' I always had trouble believing the reality of those written reactions. But now I know the truth of them.

I've lost my brother. I have five. Even death does not change that. His sons, my nephews, have lost their father. He was also a grandfather. He liked to drink coffee...like water!

It's a crappy way to start the week.

Another Blogpost about the Earthquake

2011-08-23T18:42:00.002-04:00

I imagine that I can't say anything new about today's earthquake on the eastern seaboard. I actually thought I was having some sort of high blood sugar hallucination, but I took my sugar and it was that high! Honest, even though I'd had 2 donuts! I was just sitting in my kitchen, talking on my cellphone with my mom and I all of a sudden said to her, "Why is my trailer shaking?" Of course, being almost 150miles north of my she didn't have an answer! She didn't feel it. But I did! The trailer shook just like my washing machine was spinning out unbalanced...and I could see the walls and floor shaking! I made the mistake of standing up, and felt dizzy and unsteady, just like I was drunk...which I've only ever been once, which I'll never forget and will valiantly try to never repeat! But that's what it felt like to me!

Another Day When I don't get to do what I want...

2011-08-13T12:44:00.002-04:00

Well, here we are. It's another Saturday, and I'm not getting to do what I want. All I really wanted to do for the past two weekends all I've wanted to do is veg out in front of our computer and work on my one story. But life has intervened and I've had to do other things. Last weekend...I got wrangled into cleaning and chores...lol! This weekend Justin and I ... ok, mostly Justin ... are at his parents to use their internet connection to figure out why the white Xbox is not playing the games that he moved there correctly. Something to do with the system settings no doubt.

My birthday was ok, had a family reunion that day and everything was pleasant enough.

I shaved my head about 3 weeks ago, and have been loving the lighter cooler head. OF course, a lot of people think I'm whacked...or that I look like a cancer patient. I think it is sad that I live in a society in which a woman can't get a buzz cut for comfort without people having to make comments! Oh well!

got to go for now.

Almost My Birthday

2011-07-29T17:23:00.006-04:00

Well, it is almost my birthday. 35 years on Sunday. Not sure how I feel about this. I know that it's just a number, but it's higher than it used to be! lol!

Life has been eventful over the past two months. Justin's grandma decided that she had enough of fighting cancer and decided she wanted to come home to die. So that's what happened. She was home for a little over a week, we nursed her and made her as comfy as possible...and then she died. :( I know that she is with Jesus, but I miss her. My natural grandmothers died when I was young, I only have vague memories of my dad's mother...so Grandma Judi really was like a grammy to me. I'm glad that the animosity that was present when Justin and I first got together has disappeared, because I'd never have been able to get to know her at all otherwise.

With Justin not having a job, and his unemployment being patchy at first, we fell way behind in rent and they wanted to evict us. Justin's parents had just gotten a check of a large sum from the gas company leasing their land, so they actually catch us up and paid the trailor off so all we have to do is lot rent. of course, we need to pay them back...but they're willing to cut us more slack than the trailor park owners had been. And yes, I'm not sure how I feel about that either! lol! I've read to many letters in Dear Abby about these kind of situations going back. :/ We're supposed to end up having something put in writing, but it hasn't happened yet. I'd like to have a lwayer look it over before I sign it, but to be honest I'm a little intimidated to ask...maybe it I explain that it's not them I don't trust but the situation and I just want to make sure that I'm taken care of and don't get screwed.

I've written a couple of poems recently, but of course I have nothing with my so I can't post them at all! :( We haven't had phone or internet for a while now, another bill we fell behind in and need to catch up. Siiiiiiiiiiigh. Justin can apply back at Cargil in another couple of months and it so cannot come fast enough!

I've also been working on a free write for an old story idea. Maybe I'll be able to actually write it...??? idk, but it feels great to be writing, even if it's just a partial scene. Actually, it might be the end of the book...or close to it. It's been fun.

We've got 2 family reunions this weekend. One on his side and then one on my side on Sunday. Busy busy busy! Ok, guess I'd better figure out what to take huh? lol

2011-06-03T21:02:00.002-04:00

What a week I've had. I've been taking prednisone for over a week, just finished the last dose actually. And I've had trouble sleeping all week. 9, 10, 11 o'clock rolls around and I'm not tired...which isn't good when one must get up around 4AM! It was catching up to me today, and actually I just got up from a long afternoon nap...evening nap? So I'm not gonna want to sleep again tonight! lol! At least I don't have to work tomorrow!

Of course, one night I was up late becuase of family drama. Mom lost her temper while trying to speak some truth to Liston's girlfriend Alysson...so I'm talking to both of them. Mom's upset because Alysson didn't want to hear it (which she's allowed) and Alysson was upset because Mom was yelling at her. Of course now, the entire trip that was in question has been cancelled because Liston and Alysson feel that Mom threw a fit...which since she lost her temper is essentially what she did. But since I'm her daughter and mother's can do no wrong, I'm not allowed to say to her! lol! I agree that since the two are in church, Alysson's in a ministry, that they need to be careful about appearances. I mean, if they've make a commitment not to have sex before marriage, then they need to avoid setting themselves up for temptation and not giving people a chance to gossip etc. And I hate to tell Alysson, but having your period doesn't mean anything because I lost my virginity during my period. Granted, not every woman is willing to do that...but I had other things on my mind at the time! lol! BUT - Mom shouldn't have lost her temper. Because it's only made matters worse. And to be honest, these two are both over 18 and well able to make their own choices.

Which is awful close to the argument I've been having with my other brother Cliff over my living arrangement with Justin. We're not legally married so we're living in fornification. But I feel that since we are 'one' in God's eyes, we've made a public commitment to be faithful to each other by sharing the same abode, that we're not breaking any commandments. We were when we weren't living together. Maybe I'm just trying to justify myself, idk. But marriage customs have varied over the years, and they've gotten more complicated as well. We've just chosen an simpler path. Now, if someday Justin gets over his wedding fears and wants a more legal commitment...I'd probably say yes even though he can be a real prick sometimes. But I'm not going to go backward in my relationship with him just to satisfy my brother.

Life is hard because it's not just us in our world! LOL!

Mother's Day

2011-05-08T19:15:00.002-04:00

Well, we had a good Mother's Day. Liston and his girlfriend, me and Justin, our oldest half-sister Glenda, all took Mom to dinner at a local restaurant. Good food, good company.

The only glitch in the day was that my sister Sara wasn't able to get her little boy alone for the day, the jerk of a father insisted that they stay at the exchange place. Which was just up the road from where we were all at. So when we were done, we all motored up there to see them. Well, ex-jerk didn't like that so he took their son and left. So I whipped out my camcorder and taped the leavetakings. Ex-jerk doesn't know that. But if she ever needs it to prove that her son would rather be with her, she'll have it.

Talk about heartbreaking.

pppfffttt!

2011-05-06T20:24:00.003-04:00

Well, that went well. Justin backed out on me at the last minute. So I went by myself.

Yes, Jean-Luc, it is sad that it is needed.

I never would have thought that I'd be in a domestically violent relationship. It's really rather depressing, although the underactive thyroid doesn't help with that at all.

These are the scratches he gave me the other morning. He hasn't hit me. Yet. But if this continues, it's only a matter of time.

I want to see him get the help he needs. In the mean time, I'm going to get the help I need. This is not the Justin I fell in love with. Even my best friend Tempy agrees that this isn't "our" Justin. We want him back.

I want him back.

:'(

Of course, I also want to shake the shit out of him. But more violence isn't the answer.

New Job

2011-05-02T18:37:00.002-04:00

Well, the best news is that Justin has a job! It's not exactly "new" job, he's gone back to work at the Daily as a pressman. Which unfortunately means that he's on nightshift while I'm on days ... part of me says, BOOOO!!! .... Part of me says, Thank you Jesus! It's a job, which means that there's going to be more money coming into the household again, and since they're paying him more than when he left, it's not that big of a paydrop...although they're not paying him what he's worth, but then they never do.

We start couples counseling tomorrow night...if he doesn't back out. He's a stubborn proud man who wants to fix his own problems, but we've been living together for 2 years now and instead of his temper getting better, each episode - however sporadic - is getting worse. I can relate as I used to have a very bad temper myself, I was horrible. I realize that I've got a good 10 years on him, but I was around his age when I started getting a grip on mine.

Updates

2011-04-15T18:27:00.002-04:00

Well.

Where to begin?

I guess at the beginning.

On March 23rd we had a snow storm here, and Justin and I were involved in a car accident on the way into work. We were ok, although the passenger of the other vehicle went to the hospital...a pain in her shoulder, though it might have just been an old injury that was aggravated. Anyway, our truck was stuck, the road ahead of us closed because of another accident so we didn't make it to work. Work wouldn't forgive the "point" for being absent and since Justin was maxed out on points, he lost his job.

Things have not been easy. He hasn't found another job yet, though he hasn't been looking all that hard. We won't find out for a few more weeks whether he'll be approved for Unemployment...they have to figure out if it was a just firing or not. It wasn't, especially since it was a reportable accident. He wasn't told until the day AFTER that if he'd gone to the hospital to be checked out that the point wouldn have been forgiven.

We're still frightening behind in rent and I'm terrified that we'll be evicted. We've been out of heating/cooking fuel since the weekend after the accident. He doesn't want me to apply for help, from the assistance office, but I did anyway. Not sure what I'll do when he finds out. Damn his pride.

The fine from the accident is $110.

To top that off, we were coming back from my mom's one Friday night and he decides to turn the headlights off going through town. !!! I know the street lights are bright, but you still don't do shit like that! Especially when you know that your truck isn't inspected! Duh! So from that we have 3 new fines...$75 for the headlights, $75 for the registration not being good (Oops! I missed that one, my fault) and $113 for the inspection being past due.

I'm very tired.

Prayers

2011-03-12T12:18:00.003-05:00

Prayers for Japan. Such a huge quake at 8.9. I watched some videos online and can't get over the devestation, both from the quake and from the resulting tsunami. And to think that waves reached as far as California and Hawaii from it as well.

Of course, my mind working as it does, wonders how this will effect the world economy as well. May it not be bad.

Wherever you are Mariko, I hope you are safe. Mariko is a Japanese lady that I went to college with briefly back in '94. Sadly I lost track of her, but I think of her from time to time. She was so sweet and trying to teach me her language. So was Cynthia, a Puerto Rican. This is no doubt one factor of why I was dubbed the coolest white person on campus.

May the aftershocks be small.

Our loss

2011-02-18T18:24:00.005-05:00

Our loss is heaven's gain.

I lost my Uncle Eddie last weekend. He was my mother's older and only brother. His funeral was last night, and I learned so much about him that I wish I'd had more time to get to know him. He was the type of man that you had no doubts what he believed, because he lived them. He was a true man of God. He was loved by all, because he loved by all. I want to be more like him, because he was like Jesus.

We got in about 11:30pm last night, the funeral was in Syracuse NY about 2 or 2 1/2 hours from here, and we were back up by 5am because we had to work. I couldn't get any time off from work, aside from being let out early, because he wasn't immediate enough family (uncles don't count!! wth?!) AND they had to have proof that I was there and where it was etc. I don't know if that is company policy or just my supervisor not believing me. Whatever.

So we're dog tired right now. Gonna relax for a while/

Long Week

2011-02-05T10:11:00.002-05:00

Sigh.

What a long week that was.

I'm so beat. Of course, it doesn't help that I didn't sleep at all well last night and because Justin had to go to work, the alarm went off too early this morning and it took me forever to get back to sleep.

Wednesday was the longest day because we had that storm and a lot of people called in. They made us work a full day anyway. We were in our easy grades almost all day, which equals slow and boring and cold. Packing meat is cold work anyway, but when you're not pulling that much a off the line, it really gets to you more.

Mom had a macroplastique done yesterday at the hospital. The doctor injected chemicals around the top of her urethra in the hopes to puff it up to stop the constant leaking. She'll know probably by tomorrow whethe it worked or not, the nurse said she shouldn't be upset at any leaking still because she has to give those parts time to settle down from being poked. I hope it works because if it doesn't, the doctor will try this again - no big deal - but if that doesn't work, I don't like the other alternative he suggested. A colostomy bag, but for urine. I don't know, maybe it would make Mom's life easier to do that. She wouldn't have to worry about wetting herself because she can't get to the bathroom in time. Maybe the infections would finally clear up and she could have her knee surgery done. I don't know.

Like I said, Justin has to work today. Hopefully just till noon. Their day didn't go well on Wednesday either. They were only able to run 2 out of 5 lines, so they weren't able to get as much work done. It was originally going to be just volunteers, but something changed so that everyone in MAP had to go in. Too bad they couldn't have just brought in the half that called off on Wednesday.

Well, I have to go scrounge around and find something for breakfast. Probably my last two eggs and maybe coffee if there's enough left for a pot. I'll probably try to sweettalk Justin into letting me buy some food. He can be kinda stingy about that sometimes...figures as long as we have burgers we don't need anything else! Oh well.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend.

Another Weekend

2011-01-29T09:50:00.003-05:00

So far, this weekend is nicer than last. Justin might be playing his Xbox, but at least he's responding when I talk to him! That was getting so old! Boys and their toys! He's been much more attentive since our talk, though.

Not sure if we're doing anything, as in going out. Tempy wasn't home when I tried visiting last night, so maybe I'll go tonight if she's home, maybe. Justin's talked about going to visit a second cousin of his, and I'm not sure if I want to go. I kind of just want to stay home. It's not as cold as it was, but it's still winter!

I have to get back to writing my short story. Not sure why I hit slack time with that. Trying not to drag it out as long as The Wheel of Time series! lol! I've been rereading the first book of the series, The Eye of the World. Remembering why I liked it in the first place. Lord only knows if I'll make through the other bazillion books in the series, I think there's something like 14 or so.

I also just finished reading Vulcan's Forge by Josepha Sherman and Susan Shwartz. I'd read Vulcan's Heart years ago, which is apparently the sequal to the other. Finally reading Forge cleared up a few minor questions I had. They bounced back and forth between the past and present, but unlike Unspoken Truth they did it much more effectively by alternating chapters until the past story was finished. I like that way much better. They also did something else that I like in Star Trek...throwing in Scripture and using it correctly, one might even say logically since we're dealing with Vulcans!

So, does anyone out there have a book or set of books that they like to reread from time to time? I like doing that because it's like visiting old friends, and you always see something new.

Tiiiiiired

2011-01-25T18:12:00.002-05:00

I's tired.

Yes, I know that's not proper English. But that's ok. Cuz it's the truth! lol! I was so pampered at the Daily, and we've had such short weeks at Carill recently that I don't know what it's like to work an 8 hours day! We put one in yesterday though and another today. Don't know about tomorrow yet.

Justin wants us to start working even longer hours. To make our paycheck bigger of course. So that we can #1 catch up on rent, and #2save money. We have a goal, $3-6,000 so that on the off chance that his Xbox buddy comes through with the job offer, we can take it and move! We'll see.

I was going to type more, but I think I'll wait. I want to go to bed soon, and maybe have some more sweet dreams....like the one I had the other night about taking a trup to France!!! I was so excited! I was going to get to wander around Paris and see the Eiffel Tower! I wasn't one bit concerned about not knowing the language! I'm still amused by that.

So, sweet dreams everyone!

Jesus Wept

2011-01-24T09:27:00.001-05:00

In my last post I made a comment about how big girls don't cry is a lie. I got in 'trouble' at the last church I attended because of how much I wept. I was labeled "emotional". I was, and I am...and to this day I don't understand why this is a bad thing. I can think and reason with the best of them. I'm intelligent and witty and curious. The fact that I allow myself to express my emotions in a place that I thought was 'safe' because the presence of God was there...is apparently erroneous.

No one ever asked why I was crying. They all assumed that every time was the same, that I was depressed. I cried for a variety of reasons. I was sad. I was glad. I was overwhelmed by His love. But like I said, no one ever asked.

Let's see. Jesus wept...It wasn't even His grief He was weeping about, it was compassion for Mary and Martha and their grief. The psalmists lamented...mixed right in with their praise and worship.

No one ever considered that I might be bi-polar. Even the suggestion was wrong. It was alright for the 'crazy lady' who knocked the cop down to be bi-polar{true story by the way}...but for me to suggest that I was..."Oh, it's just your circumstances..life is a roller coaster full of ups and downs." Yeah, ok. If that makes you feel better.

I was actually on some bi-polar medicine recently, for about a month. They were free samples from my doctor, and no doubt we'll be discussing it at my next appointment. I felt better. Oh, I still had my ups and downs...but they weren't as extreme {and they've been extreme since I changed jobs}. I don't know that I was always happy...but I felt more balanced.

I still say that it takes more strength to cry than it does to hold it in. Because you open yourself to ridicule and labels. I comfort myself in that He knew the reason why I cried, and that He caught every tear as they fell. Those people can just blow wind for all I care.

Yahoo Comments

2011-01-23T09:06:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I wonder why Yahoo allows comments on their stories.

I'm all for the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Speech, Press, Religion, and Expression. I think it's great. But reading comment on Yahoo stories makes me think that there are some people out there who just shouldn't be expressing themselves online. It makes America looks ignorant.

Not stupid. Ignorant. There's a difference. Stupid can be fixed...a little teaching, a little guidance, a little enlightenment...voila! Ignorant doesn't want to be fixed. They're happy with their sick dumb-ass opinions.

It amazes me how quick grown adults are to trash someone else, even if it's an innocent child. I remember one story a while back about a little girl who was being teased about liking Star Wars by the boys at school. Apparently these boys either liked her or had never been told that sci-fi is for girls too. It upset the girl to the point of tears when her mom asked why she wanted to change her Star Wars lunch thermos for something else. Whether this was handled correctly by the adults involved in the story, I have no opinion. Should the teacher been more aware of what was going on in the lunch room? Maybe. But that's hard. You can't monitor kids all the time. And I'm kind of glad that it hit the Internet and media because of how much positive came out of it for the little girl. But I was surprised at the absolute venom released in the comment forum at her. I hope her parents were wise and that she never saw all that negativity and outright hate. Towards a 7 year old girl. By so-called adults. Disgusting.

It's one thing to debate whether the teasing was bullying and how bad it was. We weren't there and we're not 7 anymore. I was both teased and bullied at that age, and years later it all merges into each other. Teasing gone too far is bullying in my opinion. People who've never been bullied should keep their lack of experience in mind when they talk about it. And giving a 7 year old a hard time because she cried? Puh-lease! She's 7, it was a totally age appropriate response. Give her a few more years before you start lying to her about how big girls don't cry {another post}.

It's sad. But apparently the 1st amendment grants us freedom to be ignorant too.

Should I?

2011-01-22T09:14:00.002-05:00

I am barely out of bed this Saturday morning. Maybe, no not even an hour. I haven't made my coffee, or had breakfast, but I did take my medicine. Speaking of coffee...I paused long enough to start it brewing. It'll be eggs for breakfast, since I didn't pick up any oatmeal yesterday. Not likely I'll get any this pay period...maybe next week. Sigh.

Should I...? Why not? I'm thinking of doing a Weekend Question, just like my blogger buddy Jean-Luc...though I doubt mine will ever be as good as his. His this weekend is about books you don't finish. Since I don't recall any since high school, I'm not doing that one! Besides, that would be rude!

So, I'm going to borrow Family Life Network's topic from earlier this week. Pet peeves! As I was listening to Sonny talk about pet peeves, his and the callers, I was stumped. I know that I have them, I just drew a blank that afternoon.

One of mine, is when I'm driving along and the vehicles ahead of me are stopped for a green light! Green means go! Hello?!?! Granted sometimes we're daydreaming and we don't realize the light had turned...or we just see the traffic lights and we automatically stop. I say we, because this is a pet peeve I'm guilty of! I've been driving right along, come to traffic light and stopped even though the light was green! And no, I wasn't on the cell phone!

Another pet peeve of mine involves language. I hate it when people use the F-bomb incorrectly...and especially when they put it in the middle of "Oh My God" or "Jesus Christ". Drives me NUTS. I heard it so often while I worked at the Daily, that I sometimes think it like that in my head...and then I beat myself up. It's blasphemous, just for starters. And I love my God and Savior and don't want to think like that. It's a very insidious word and I don't like it. I'm not in that environment any more so I'm hoping I'll unlearn it.

You're turn! What are your pet peeves?

Finally!

2011-01-21T20:21:00.003-05:00

Finally!! The weekend is here! I am so tired! And I didn't even work 40 hours this week...let;s see...6 on Monday, 7 on Tuesday, 4.5 on Wednesday, 7 on Thursday, 5.5 today{Friday}=30 hours. I left early on Monday for an 'interview' at Dupont, was late on Wednesday, left early today to take Mom to the Packer so she could be "pre-admitted" for her procedure in February. Still, 30 hours in that wretched cold place certainly feels like 40. And then some. Not to mention its COLD on the outside too! The bank temp said 11degrees F on my way home from Mom's.

I have new bruises this week from the awkwardness of my work station. Which no one cares about. The Blue Hat, my immediate suprvisor, gave me another product to pull off...so if I have everything, I have the potential to have 8 different products to pull of the line. When I commented about how overwhelmed I was feeling, the answer I got, other than to come to work everyday, was, "If I can do it, I expect you to do it." I have a hard time saying what I want to this woman: "Uhm, look...you're tall and thin...I'm short and fat...there's no way I'm always going to be able to do everything you do." Don't get me wrong...I'm trying...but the feeling of anxiety I get trying to do this is BS! Half the reason why I left the Daily was too much uncalled for anxiety.

Not going to do much this weekend. Gonna stay in where it's warm and probably blog blog blog! Ok, I might do some laundry and nag Justin to do something other than play Halo aaalll weekend, but odds are that's what he's gonna do!

Oh well. At least we have fuel in the tank and are warm. And I can bake if the mood so strikes! Hmmmmm.....

A good thing to hoard...

2011-01-20T08:26:00.000-05:00

Hoarding is usually bad. Stacks of newspapers piled high...too many salt and pepper shaker...a small path to the bathroom...but there is one thing that is worth hoarding for a while...

Store receipts!!!!!!

Case in point. We bought Justin's mother a giftcard for Christmas. Not just any gift card, but an X-Box Live Microsoft points card. 4000 points = $50. It doesn't work. The store won't do anything for us because we don't have the receipt, so we have to deal with Microsoft. Of the two, Microsoft has been a lot nicer to deal with.

Argh!!!!

Wordless Wednesday

2011-01-19T11:51:00.001-05:00

Health Care or Headache?

2011-01-18T04:27:00.000-05:00

Seriously...President Obama and The Senate and Congress and all who make our laws...instead of making health insurance mandatory, how about making it #1- more affordable for all and #2 WORTH HAVING!! I now have a $2000+ emergency room bill because my unnamed health insurance deemed it 'non-life threatening' and won't pay any of it! Uhm, I almost passed out in my shower, my own doctor's office told me to go to the ER and I had no idea it was a simple reaction to the blood pressure medicine that I didn't need until I got there, and that's what the doctor decided was wrong. Oh, that and I'm diabetic---which, if any of those morons had actually been listening when I was giving my history they would have already known and they wouldn't have had to "diagnose" me as a diabetic. Uhm, my problem that day wasn't my sugar...it was the unneeded medicine...which we didn't know it was unneeded until I almost passed out.

Almost passing out in the shower IS life threatening. I've slipped in the shower before and thankfully din't get any broken ribs, just a nasty bruise on my side. This time though, what could have happened? Especially with all that running water? Thank God my boyfriend had called off that day and was home to help me.

Not to keen on my health insurance at the moment, but what can I do? I have NO CHOICE in what my employeer offers me or my boyfriend.

Through the Window

2011-01-17T09:37:00.000-05:00

I thought about calling this through the Looking Glass, but I figure that's copywrited.

I've spent the weekend trying to network and gather something of a following. I used to have one, I kind of miss it. Not so much as an ego thing, as feeling like I belong to a kind of inline family. Not like Facebook where I know 90% of my friends, maybe 95%. But strangers pulled together.

I came to the conclusion today that blogging is like peeping through windows. Kinf of like a peeping tom, but with permission. Everytime we hit the "Publish Post" button, we give permission to total strangers to look into our lives, our thoughts, our feelings, our dreams, our hopes, our nightmares...

It takes bravery I think. Especialy if you are brave enough not to censor yourself and write with total honesty. The scariest part of that, for me at least, it when I go back in time and look at some old posts and say, "What the heck? Was that really me that wrote that? I'm so not that person anympre."

Old posts scare me! Because yes, I really wrote that. That is who I was in that moment of time. Like I said in a recent post, I'm not perfect in my Christianity, but I keep trying. Probably one of my saving graces! Lol!

And I'm crazy enough to let everybody watch though this window! I think I just came up with a new title for this blog!

I've been wanting to change it. The Other Side of Reality is a good name, but it's old and no longer fits me and who I am. Window Into My Reality would be much more suiting at this present time!

Talents

2011-01-16T09:03:00.000-05:00

Matthew 25:14-30 (New King James Version)
"For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents. And likewise he who had received two gained two more also. But he who had received one went and dug in the ground, and hid his lord's money.
After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them. So he who had received five talents came and brought five other talents, saying, 'Lord, you delivered to me five talents; look, I have gained five more talents besides them.' His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.'
He also who had received two talents came and said, 'Lord, you delivered to me two talents; look, I have gained two more talents besides them.' His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your lord.'
Then he who had received the one talent came and said, 'Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours.' But his lord answered and said to him, 'You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed. So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming I would have received back my own with interest. Therefore take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents. For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.'

I have been given a talent...of writing poetry and prose. Whether is a big talent, or a little one, I am endeavoring to use it in such a way as to hear "Well done" from my Father in heaven when I cross over into the other side. It might not look like much...3 little non-profit blogs...but it's my best.

I had a friend tell me once, years ago when I first started blogging, that she thought I had better things to be doing and better things to concern me than blogging. Oh she of little faith! She had a point only in that I shouldn't be worrying over some random blogger I angered by an innocent beginners mistake. Granted, I should have been more careful in my comments, but since the man didn't really know me why should his judgment of my character matter...

Or should it? It was a painful lesson for me to learn. While this is an anonymous blog, it can still be an honest picture of who I really am...what kind of Christian I am...and therefore what kind of God I serve. It is not always a pretty picture (of me, since God is beautiful even when I am ugly!). But since this incident, I have tried to be more careful of my random comments when I'm surfing "Next Blog". I try not to censor myself, though I am conscious that the life I live is not always Godly, at least I am an honest Christian...in that I have trials and tribulations and sometimes I'm not very honest, trustworthy, or nice. But I'm trying.

And when it comes to blogging, I think my ex-friend failed to realize the potential. I can reach millions of people here, share my heart, Jesus, my poetry, etc. What a huge potential! I can make friends here, of all sorts of diverse people. It might not have a big return, but at least I'm not burying my talent or writing in the sand, nor is it drawing interest in the bank...although I think that's where it might have been for the past several years when I was experiencing writer's block. I learned as much in the silence as I did before when everything was flowing so smoothly!

So, whatever your talent...be it big or little, use it! Don't die with that passion trapped inside of you! Blog! Write! Sing! Paint! Whatever it is, do your best! Even if it is for a few, share it!

Purpose

2011-01-15T10:35:00.002-05:00

Purpose.

I've often wondered what my purpose in life is. Just the other day Justin and I were talking about his life, about how I would be devestated if he were to die. He is a daredevil, especially in a vehicle, and has probably cheated death more than I would care to listen to. He's almost given me a heart attack or two! In his defence, he is a young man with a need for speed. I just hope the cops catch him before the Grim Reaper does! Don't tell him I said that.

He has often said, especially early in our relationship, that he would be surprised if he lived to see 25. Well, he turns 24 in March, so we're almost there. I was taken back a little by something he said. I had asked him a question, about wanting to live. And he replied, "What's the point?"

This disturbed me more than a little, mostly because I didn't know how to explain my feelings on the matter so that he would understand. Verbally I'm not always very eloquent with my words. Given the confusion one time when I was trying to explain a commercial to him, I'm not sure how to give him and answer to one of mankind's biggest questions.

What is my purpose? What's the point to all this stuff we've got going on? A lot of our "stuff" is pointless and window dressing on what life should really be.

In short, our pupose is to live. That's my thoughts on the matter, after many years of thinking about it. If it sounds too simple, well it is simple. God created us to ... live! What that means to different people, I don't know. For me it means living life to the fullest, not getting sidetracked by silly things for too long. To enjoy the people around us, especially our family. Using my God given talents how I see fit (That's another post for another time). And honestly one facet of our life is to show off God's handiwork. "This is what God has done in my life..." To witness to otheres just how great of a God I serve. Sometimes this means being verbal, sometimes this means writing an worship poem or weaving Him into a short story and posting it on my blog, and sometimes it means just shutting up becuase it's not always about me!

While I might not have the answer to the question of purpose in other's lives, I've found the answer to my own question. Surely, some of this answers other's, but the part about writing doesn't pertain to everyone. Too bad I didn't figure some of this out sooner...I mean, my blogs laid silent for almost 2 years, but the fountain of writing was closed to me and it only broke when I left the Daily.

Purpose is something we all long for, but not every one find the answer. And sometimes, we will never see the impact of our words and our deeds until we're on the other side of our life. We can never fully see how we impact others' lives. I mean, I write in faith. I don't have the following I once had here...but I hope that there are still readers out there that just don't comment. Somedays I'm ok with that, other times not so ok, but I deal with it. I write and hope that someone out there is positively effected by my writing, that they enjoy my poems and short story, that my ups and downs gives perspective to their lives as reading other blogs gives me a different perspective on my own life.

Unspoken Truth

2011-01-13T12:26:00.000-05:00

"Unspoken Truth" is the latest Star Trek book I've read. It was one of the ones I got with my big book order from Amazon.com and it was one of the few that I had never read before. I'll be honest, over half the books I'd ordered I had previously read and then stupidly got rid of them for reasons I won't go into here.

Anyway, I'm sad to say this, but I didn't really like the book that much. It picks up immediately after Star Trek 3 and deals with Saavik. The regular Trek characters, not counting Spock's parents, have cames...and some aren't seen at all. That's just a statement of the truth, I'm not saying it was a bad thing, but it wasn't exactly a good thing.

For me, the plot was too slow moving and too bulky. There were a lot of not quite flashbacks that made it hard to follow. Not to mention that the author tended to write really long sentences. I'm talking...looooong. An entire paragraph that took up half the page was only 2 sentences long. Sometimes I got lost mid-sentence and had to start again.

And she completely neglected T'Pren! She was a minor character in the book this was supposed to have springboarded off of, "The Pandora Principle". A book that was much loved the first time I had it, and still is. But T'Pren was a major character in that she was important to Saavik. And she was not even mentioned in "Unspoken Truth"!

I would not reccomend this bookm but that's just my personal opinion. "The Pandora Princple" though gets 2 thumbs up!

I just found out that it's Wordless Wednesday!

2011-01-12T20:37:00.003-05:00

Got to blog

2011-01-12T08:40:00.005-05:00

Well, I guess. It's been over a week since my last post. Time to blog about something new.

Only thing is, I'm not sure what to write! Not on this my diary blog that is. I've got everything else knocking around in there. Trying to get Zion's Children wrapped up so I cant get start on my next story, "First Best Destiny?" which will also be in my Conglomerate universe but with completely different characters. Well that's what I'm thinking at the moment. I might change that, but I doubt it. It wasn't going to be originally but I was freewriting some of it yesterday while I was waiting for Justin to get done with work and it just flowed into the story and I'm like, "Really?" I thought about it and decided to keep it that way.

I've also got some poetry rattling around in there but I haven't gotten it finished yet.

We called off work again today. I don't know why. Well, I don't know why he called off. I called off because he did. It'll be the last time because if he misses any more work he won't have a job to go back to. A little scary. Makes me glad I'm not pregnant.

I'm thinking of starting my own baking company. Cakes especially because I like decorating them. I'd call it "Bizzy Bea's Bakery" in honor of Bea Simons, r.i.p., as she was a great kind lady who was always so nice to me when she was alive. Almost like another grandmother. She was a cake decorator as well. And I remember loving her flower graden as well. Gonna miss her.

I guess. Got to get back to my imaginary worlds.

As you can see, I've changed the look of my blog. How does it look to you?

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T09:21:00.002-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!!! I have a good feeling about this year! Let's hope I can say that a year from now!

Had a good night at mom's last night. Made two awesome kick ass pizza's from scratch. One was a pepperoni and the other was sausage bacon. The only thing I forgot to do was put the onions and peppers on the second pizza. Oh well, there's always next time! We had soda and sparkling grape juice to drink. We never did open the chips so we'll have them later this weekend.

I've taken two pregnancy tests, not on the same day, and they've both come up negative. But I still don't have my period. I've never ever had it this late before. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, honest. I'll wait until next Wednesday and try another test. It either reset itself when I had that wierd mid-cycle bleed, I'm pregnant and the hormone's just not high enough yet, or I've hit menopause! I'm way too young for that last one! I'm only 34! But I suppose it could be possible.

Just gonna relax today and enjoy my legit 3 days off.

Points and jobs...

2010-12-30T10:24:00.003-05:00

So, we called in to work today...again! This makes about 12 1/2 points for Justin and 11 for me. When we hit 15 we're terminated. I'm a little worried about Justin. I have another job all lined up, though I won't give notice until I'm sure I'm signed on. I don't know why Justin is calling off though...I call if he does, because I don't trust him alone with the puppy Jacalyn...he has a tendancy to not be in control of himself when he gets mad or frustrated...and the last time I left them alone, for an hour and a half, they somehow managed to get doggy poo on our ceiling!!! He still won't tell me how that happened, though I know it had something to do with walking her on the treadmill. Which she doesn't like. !!!! An hour and a half! What would I come home to if I left them alone all day???

I'm going to go work for Caregivers of America. It'll be home health kind of stuff. A little over a dollar pay drop, but it won't be refrigerator temps...and his family won't be there! It's been a little intimidating working with so many of his relatives. Both parents, an aunt and uncle, some cousins {they're ok}. I might stay with Caregivers even if I do end up working for Adecco. I don't know yet.

A lot of that will depend on what the test at the doctors says today. A lot will have to change if it comes up positive. My period is 2 weeks late, so unless it "reset" itself, I don't see it coming up negative. A little nerve wracking. I'll let you all know.

Have a good day everyone.

This is Jacalyn trying to sleep on top of Justin, no doubt she's wondering why I'm bothering her by taking a pic...I think Justin was trying to sleep too, but he might have just been hiding! lol!

Another waiting room

2010-12-27T12:07:00.004-05:00

Well, I was in another waiting room today. This time for myself. Routine blood work to check sugar levels and such. I had to wait because the nice lady had to call the other office for the paperwork and orders.

While I was waiting I read part of an article on the presidential office, I wish I had more time to have read it all because it was an interesting read. Sadly I don't even remember the name of the magazine. Anyway, it was about how much more the president has to deal with on a daily basis compared to earlier presidents. It has grown a lot in recent years. Just a few short years ago, we didn't even have a Homeland Security department to our government!

It is a sign of our times, I think. Although I do wonder what has happened to the check and balance system our government was designed to have. We are so much busier than we used to be, and seldom achieve much of anything. I wish I was smart enough to design a solution for the president, and the one after that. Either the American people need to expect less from the government, which would free up some time or the government needs to follow through on stuff better. Idk. I'm not a politian and I'm not much of an administrator.

Perhaps we need to tier the government. Lower levels that have authority, created with a check and balance system so that the president wouldn't have to deal with it as often as he does. Although it would remain accountable to both president and the American people. I don't know. I feel like I have an idea, hanging at the outskirts of my mind...like a phrase that you know really well being on the tip of your tongue. Very frustrating.

Hope everyone had a good Christmas. It's Kwanza week, and I might look the holiday up on google to learn more because I don't know that much about it. New Year's is just around the corner...not sure what I'll be doing to celebrate yet. On Christmas day Justin and I made the full family circuit. We spent the morning at his parents and then his grandma's {I love her!} then we stopped at home real quick to walk Jacalyn and drop off Justin's new tv. Then we went up and spent the rest of the afternoon at my mother's. It was a good day.

Justin and his new tv, taken on MY Christmas gift...a digital camcorder that also takes pics!!!!

A long day

2010-12-10T12:52:00.002-05:00

So, I'm sitting here in a waiting room of the hospital while my Mom has a prodecure done. Been here since 10am, but they haven't told me they've started yet, so she's probably not even sedated yet! Hopefully this doctor will see something the others haven't and figure out how to help her. These UTI's are getting so old, and it's effected her quality of life.

Not much else going on. I'm enjoying the books I just bought from Amazon.com I've read one Trek book, and will soon start another. I'm not sure what to make of the Heroes book...it was not what I was expecting. It's rather boring actually, like the Spider-man book. Too much talking or thinking, not enough action. Which I thought was odd for Spider-man.

No where close to being ready for Christmas...no decorations up yet, although I only have one more gift to purchase. That is amazing in and of itself.

Hope everyone's having a good day.

Thoughts

2010-12-04T12:41:00.003-05:00

How do you explain to someone who doesn't write where the ideas come from? I really don't know. They just pop into my head I guess. Especially poems. A line will start circulating in my head, "behind dead eyes" for example...and when I start to concentrate on it, hopefully on paper so I don't forget it and lose it...the rest just flows. There are some days I struggle for that next line, sometimes months and years. But where I am at right now, not so much.

I'll admit, sometimes my short stories come from dreams I've had. My entire novel was based on a dream I had where I was having an affair with a store owner and was kidnapped. LOL! Obviously once I started thinking about it and fictionalizing it, it became something else entirely. My two Star Trek fan fics were based on dreams I had...one where the praise and worship band from my old church was playing on the Enterprise (hilarious) and another where Deanna Troi was key in bringing down the Borg because she was assimilated...I don't remember the details much anymore, because the story they birthed took over.

If I can catch up to myself, I might try to write another short story from a dream I had not that long ago. I dreamt I was on a space mission of some kind, suspended between earth and the moon...when this ship of aliens swoop in and kidnap me thinking that I'm the answer to one of their prophecies...I could not convince them that they had the wrong girl!!

IDK...I guess I just have an overactive imagination! sometimes on hyperdrive! lol!

Weekend Away

2010-11-20T12:00:00.003-05:00

Well, I'm going away for the weekend. Justin is stayin home. He has to work Saturday, which is good because he called off Monday and Tuesday...I had a good reason to, I was sick. He just wanted to...??? Who knows?

My Aunt Norma is in a movie that her church made and I decided I wanted to see it. Mom should be here shortly to pick me up. It's just an overnighter, 3 hours away, but packing can be such a pain.

I don't like anything I have picked out to wear for church tomorrow. I know no one cares what I look like, it's a matter of me liking how I look and being comfortable.

Ah well, at least I'm feeling better physically.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Sick again

2010-11-14T09:47:00.002-05:00

I can't belive that I'm sick again. I just had a cold a couple of weeks ago. Now I've got another one and this one includes my chest. If I'm going to get sick every time that it's 'that time' of the month, I might have to find a new job!

Sad to say that's the biggest news in my life this weekend.

What was I expecting?

2010-11-06T16:41:00.004-04:00

I should have known better. Really, I should have.

I wrote a poem today, it's scheduled to be posted on my poetry site on the 15th. It was written inspired by a one-word prophetic word given to me by someone who was a friend at the time, and the memory that one-word word sparked.

Good old Paigey.

Our friendship did not end on good terms, though if she were honest, it was much needed and past due. We are both much healthier without each other. I was as much it the wrong when it came to the end...I was being a bitch...and so was she. She'll never admit it, she never could adit when she was wrong...unless you were someone important...but that is neither here nor there.

I'm guessing that she's still as pissed at me as I am at here. I'll admit it. I can't think of her without still being angry. I know I should just let it go and forgive, so I don't become more bitter than I already am.

Anyway, I sent this poem to her because I thought she'd appreciate knowng that the one-word word wasn't in vain. I now I shared the story with her, but this poem was evidence that there was more to it than just that. Heck, it ecouraged me! Of course, I'm encouraged just to be writing again. I'm hoping this means the writer's block is over.

She messagd me back with "Very nice".

Very nice?

Uhm...duh.

Talk about cool politeness!!

I'm not sure what I was looking for, to be honest. More than a two word response. Maybe testing the waters to open some dialogue. I do regret my harsh and angry words at our parting...via MySpace of all places! I keep wanting to message her on FB and ask her if she thinks we can be friends there...but I can't. I know this. I'm better of without her. I'm happier without her. But it's like her friendship was an addiction. I see her on there, friends with some o my friends - we can't help but overlap. All chipper and gushy...and part of me wants that back. The other part laughs, is disgusted with both my weakness and what I view as her fakeness (I've seen the 'behind closed doors' Paige. Maybe she's changed...but I doubt it.

BTW - It's a great little poem.

Rainbow!!

2010-11-05T17:45:00.006-04:00

Here's the full rainbow I managed to get two decent pics of on my cellphone on the way home from work today...I missed the middle though...couldn't get a good angle and it was Justin driving anyways! lol!

Poem

that I just wrote inspired by this beauty of a rainbow!

The light are all on...

2010-11-04T17:12:00.003-04:00

...but no one can tell!

I had this wierd dream recently, that I can seem to shake.

I was driving by my old church, and cars lined the sides of the street. I knew it was the night of one of their big services, so even though there weren't any lights on, I decided to stop in anyway. I went inside the lights were all on! Nothing was shining out of the windows. Out of the crowd there, only one person spoke to me...good old Kenny...he'd show the Love of God to his worst enemy, he's just that kind of guy.

The thing I can't shake, is that the lights were all on, but no one outside the church could tell. The bible talks about not hiding your light, like putting a bucket over a candle. Basically you shouldn't do it. How else can people see it?!?! Too many Christians have hidden their light...some by their deeds, others by their holier than thou attitude, others by fear (political correctness). I can't say that this is a message toward any one church or person.

I am as guilty at hiding my light as others.

I do not know what kind of witness I am for Christ. I try my best. I fail a lot. I am human.

The funny thing about this particular church I dreamt about though...is that they're now called "The Lighthouse of Faith" Church. ????????? Can you see the irony there?

I don't even know if I could evn bring myself to share it with anyone there. After all, it would be viewed as 'negative' prophecy. And since I am 'living in sin' with a man and God couldn't possibly have anything to do with me, it would be discounted anyways.

But there are some things I just know. This wasn't a normal dream...like the one I had after watching the movie "Driven". That was just wierd. But this one...has God written all over it. Whether the message is for me, for them...it really is for all who would call themselves Christians.

Don't hide your light. That spark that lets people know that there's something different about you. Not a bad kind of different. A good kind. The kind that shines a light in a dark place...so people can see the rocks, so they can see the danger if they don't change the way they're going.

Shine on!

Feels great

2010-10-30T12:27:00.017-04:00

It feels great to be writing again.

I've written a few new poems recently, and posted them on my poetry website - or are scheduled to be posted, and I've even found some older poems that will be going up as well.

BUT - I've also been looking at my short story Zion's Children again and just put up a new post. I got so wrapped up in reading the story and getting reaquainted with Miri and Byrin that I let my cup of coffee get quite cold! Of course, I'm not sure when the next post will be going up after this, but it feels so good anyway.

Justin had to work this morning. Just a 6 hour shift...not even since he was home at noon, but he's gone again. Off to his parents to finish taking our red dodge off the road. Cleaning it out an such. And I think he was getting something else off his mom, a vacuum packer or something. idk. It's the first he'd mentioned it, I decided not to go, even though I've been bitching about how little quality time he spends with me...5 hours a day on Halo Wars while we're in the same room just doesn't count and he's such a young guy that he doesn't get that! But I really had gotten into my story by then anyway and didn't want to go anywhere. Since I've got the house to myself, well, and the puppy Jacalyn, I'll probably write some more. He and I are going to have to work out some sort of comprimise with this computer. I need time to write now that it's coming again.

But on that note... have to cringe a little. Ever since I've been doing more at this new job...a lot of heavy lefting, sometimes one handed...which is the only way I'm able to get my packages of meat off the line in a timely fashion - sometimes 2 or 3 at a time...my hands are killing me. The right one especially since that's my dominate hand. That's the one that usually wakes me up several times a night because it's fallen asleep!! The left one did that to me this morning as well and is a little achy as a result. The right one has been feeling better since I was able to crack the wrist severl times. The nurses at Cargill will no doubt LOVE to hear that....if I decide to tell them. I should, but I don't want to loose this job because previous jobs have hurt my hands...please God, don't let it be Carpal Tunnel!!!...I'd probably have to go to all sorts of doctors just to be able to file a workman's comp caim against the Daily F-ing Review. What a hassle that would be! I worked in the plateroom for 3 years...often using one computer or another, all of which had a very poor setup. Oh well.

And now...

2010-10-29T04:42:00.002-04:00

And now it's Friday!

Woot!!!

Ok, if I have to work Saturday...that "woot!" will be changed to a groan, but I won't find that out till later today.

Still, it's Friday! All day long!

It's Thursday

2010-10-28T17:05:00.001-04:00

And that about sums it up!

Yeah, a real exctiting post huh? That's because I live such an exciting life! NOT! Up by 4am, in bed by 8pm. Blah!!

Chilly Willy

2010-10-24T13:13:00.002-04:00

So far, my new job is just that...a job. It is tiring, makes my bad knee cranky, and is cold. Of course, meat needs to be kept at a certain temp so it won't spoil. But it's not easy to work in it. I've bee there 2 weeks, and I've gotten a cold from it. Hopefully I'll get over it quickly and adjust. As long as I'm pulling that packages meat off the line, I'm warm enough. Since I'm new at it, I am actually working up a small sweat.

Overall, I'm enjoying most of it. Sort of. I'm a "maroon hat"...meaning I'm a new hire just learning the job. Justin's dad, who also works at Cargill, has been talking with my line leader, a "blue hat" who's like an assistant supervisor...and he says taht she says I'm pushing myself too hard. ROFLMAO!!! Uhm...where has she been when the "white hat" (regular employee) has been rushing me!?!?!?! Sheesh.

But since I can't do things half way, I am pushing myself to learn this job. Mainly so I can get the white hat off my back. Because she's checking on me like she should have in the beginning, so someone has talked to her. But for me to rest for a few minutes now, would be going backwards.

On the bright side...I'm getting paid $10 an hour. Until I get a raise after 6 weeks, then another at 12. Once I get past my probationary period, I should be making $11 and change. Compared to the meager $7.69 I was making - at a job I should have been making what I am now. I wonder what they're paying the new guy they've hired to take my place? Bastards anyway.

Apart from that, I like being on dayshift. I don't like getting up so early, between 4 and 4:30am, but I can't deny that aside from my cold, I'm feeling so much better already. I'm not sure if I'm losing any weight yet, but my doctor is happy. My face does feel thinner, and so do my hands when they're not stiff. That's ok, they'll loosen up.

Shutting up now. Going to type in a few more poems to be published the next few days.

Loafing's Over

2010-10-08T14:12:00.002-04:00

Well, my days of loafing are over. Starting Monday morning anyway.

I had my tour of the plant today, and I must say that I don't ever want to see a cow "knocked" ever again. One minute they're alive, being led in, BAM then they're dead. Must be the girl in me. I can handle every other part of the process, I just don't want to see that again. Well, so long as I'm not the one that has to degut them...that didn't look pleasant either. Though I bet there's more money in that position.

Anyway, I'll be in the processing part somewhere. "Product pull off" I hope that means I'm pulling the meat off the line after someone else has already pulled it off the cow. Not that I couldn't use a knife if I had to, I just prefer not to. I'm far too clumsy to trust myself even using safe methods.

Orientation is 7am sharp Monday morning, and continued Tuesday. I'll actually start learning the job on Wednesday. I haven't quite gotten shifted around to sleeping nights yet, but I will be shortly! LOL!

I wonder if Justin and I will argue less once we're on the same relative schedule? I hope so.

Off to look for a book.

2010-10-05T16:45:00.000-04:00

Not much been going on. Been loafing around while I wait for Taylor/Cargill to call. I was supposed to start next Monday, but I haven't heard anything yet. Trying not to worry, but my last paycheck from the Daily is this Friday...after that, nada!

I've been watching a lot of Stargate SG1 on Netflix. Loving that! The feel of it changed in season 9 when Ben Browder took over for Richard Dean Anderson. I kind of like it a little better. But then I liked Farscape a lot, so I'm not surprised. I'm still warming up to Vala, her's is a harder character to read. She's cute though, that 'innocent - who me?' smile makes me laugh every time!

I find the religion of Origin interesting. I can't help but wonder if it's meant to mock Christianity. I'm never quite sure. Perhaps it is the Catholic church? Idk. A lot of religions today focus on the deeds...live the right way etc...and ignore the saving grace of Jesus' blood.

Track Change.

The more I watch the last Star Trek movie, the reboot if you will...the more I like it. It's a lot deeper than I would have given it credit for before seeing it. I don't think they altered the "real" time line though. I think it was an alternate reality, but that's just me. I thought for sure that Sam Kirk was Jim's older brother...in which case he was forgotten about for the movie. Oh well.

I've also been reading alot. Last time I was here at the library, I picked up "Wicked: the life and times of the Wicked Witch of the West" and I must say that I wasn't that impressed. It didn't stick with the history established in the original book "The Wizard of Oz". Tin Man did a better job at creating an alternate reality for Oz. I also picked up an Eve Dallas book, by Nora Roberts as "J.D. Robb". Those I adore! A police murder drama set in the future? What's not to love! lol! I'll probably pick up a few more of those today.

OK, signing off to read some blogs and look for books.

Quickly

2010-09-28T19:16:00.005-04:00

Well. So much for loyalty! I worked for the paper for 4 years, and when I give notice that I'm quitting to start another job, instead of letting me work the two weeks out, the bastards up and fire me. Albiet with pay. Which is only right of them. I've been "free" for a week and a half so far, and won't start my new job until October.

Talk about being at loose ends! Lol! Maybe I'll get out to the library more!

Speaking of which...I'm gonna run and check the books out now!

I'll be back! {If anyone comes here anymore.....well, even if not.....}

9 years later

2010-09-11T00:01:00.001-04:00

9 years later, and this day is still a day to be remembered. But it's the "how" that is the important part of remembrance.

9-11-01 should be remembered not only as a day of sorrow but as a day of victory. Victory because the attacks did not keep this nation down, we did not crawl up into a ball of fear. Instead we kept on living...almost in defiance of the terrorists who sought to hurt us that day.

Some like the pastor who wanted to burn the Islam holy book on this day...not only makes Christians look bad, but also Americans...and to be honest, it gives more power to the dead terrorists than they should have.

Whether we agree with another's religion is beside the point. It is how we treat those we disagree with that either gives credence to our own beliefs, or reveals us as liars.

Besides, books should never be burned. But that's another post.

Remember the Heroes of this day, the fallen, the survivors, those who still grieve for lost ones...never forget. And do not stain their memory with further hatred.

Life Intersections

2010-08-18T23:52:00.005-04:00

We all have them. Points in our life when we can keep going straight, or turn either left or right and start on a new path.

My sister is at such a point. She has the opportunity to go back to college this fall, and the question she has to decide is whether to pursue a nursing career or a teaching career. Although I might be a smart aleck and ask her why not a Teaching Nurse? Someone has to train the nurses, right?

My friend Tempy is at such a point. She recently quit her full time job here. She's a single mom and even though she's living with her boyfriend now, they work different shifts so the entire 'making sure the kids are taken care of' was still an issue. She had moved farther away from our work place, and so had farther to drive...therefore more opportunity to fall asleep while driving herself home. So she's trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. Start her own small business...go back to school...what exactly?

I'm right there with her! I would love to be able to walk away from this job. The stress of working for a perverted boss who doesn't do his job is growing. The locker room humor that is prevelant when he is working is getting old as well. There is a writing course I'm thinking of taking this winter, which would give me some college credits. I had thought about taking the same nursing course my sister is thinking of, but Justin and I never really had the money to put towards the entrance fees {although he has no problems putting money down for his Xbox games...but that's another story!}

I've been trying to find another job, but so far nothing's developed. I've interviewed twice for Caregivers, but have never gotten that second call back. I even put an application in at Dunkin' Donuts! I figured I'd eventually get tired of the smell of donuts and never want to eat one again!

I'm in the consideration for being the next supervisor here and that's another stress I wouldn't want. The pay raise just would not be worth the stress. It's ok on nights that go smooth. It's the cranky nights I have a problem with...or the cranky people!

Tempy and I have even talked about going into business together, cleaning people's houses. I kind of like that idea, even though I don't like cleaning. I have a feeling it wouldn't be forever for either of us, that it would just be a stepping stone to something else in our lives.

Idk. Choices choices choices!

Whatever I decide, it will have to be soon!

The 411 post

2010-07-31T16:49:00.001-04:00

It's my birthday!

Spending it with my mother since Justin bailed on me this weekend. I guess it's only fair...she was there for the first one! LOL!

Computer Time

2010-07-21T15:54:00.003-04:00

I can't believe I'm on a real computer. Justin's is still at the computer doctors, but today I'm at the hospital with Mom and they have a computer we can go on while we wait. Well, I'm the one waiting. She gets to go have a procedure done. Still trying to get rid of her bladder infection so she can have her knees done! Poor lady.

Not much has been going on, or so I think. Probably if I had a computer in my home I'd be telling you all sorts of boring drama stuff from work and relationship venting. I wish I could get up earlier in the day so I could go to the library like I used to. That's how this all got started. I'm out of new books to read, and I don't know when I'll be able to buy my Amazon.com cartload, so I need to go to the library for other reasons. Of course, 75% of what I've got on order for 'someday' is stuff I've already read, already owned and lost. Ah well. I know there was at least one new book I was going to get. Maybe for Christmas.

Well, I've only got about 20 minutes left on this computer and I want to work on a poem.

A few things

2010-05-19T22:39:00.002-04:00

I had a Pampered Chef Party at my home Sunday. Only ten of the thirty some people I invited showed up. Not that any of them even bothered to RSVP. I wonder how many letters a month Dear Abby gets on that subject. Regardless of whether you're coming or not you should call the host and them her know your answer!

Anyway. I did pretty well though. Got enough orders that I was able to get $90 worth of free products! Yay! I also got to order 2 items at half price. And got just enough orders to get a free apron as well! Very cool. The entire reason to do Party is the free stuff and the fun time. And good food.

The funniest part was the party was crashed by the census taker...but that was ok because she ended up given me an order!

I wish I could find a new job. I am getting so tired of the crap here. If it was just me and my perception, that would be on thing. But it's everybody. We all think the same thing about the same boss. But the higher ups won't even listen to our complaints. Don't know for sure what Jerry is holding over his boss, but it must be something juicy for such blindness. I still haven't forgiven Jerry for the time he refused to let me go to the bathroom when I asked. Next time I'll pee in the sink.

Justin's liking his new job ok. He likes the discounted burgers the most I think!

Two of our cats had kittens. Nooooo!!!! Too many!! Maybe we can get rid of them at the Pampered Chef consultants farm? I hope so!

I've started writing something new. Not sure where it's going yet. It feels good to be writing though. I hate looking at a blank screen or piece of paper and there's nothing there! So far so good.

Ok, that's all. Such as it is. Have a good day!

Life Changes

2010-05-01T00:05:00.002-04:00

Life changes ... whether I want it to or not!

The biggest change I've had to make in my life recently was my diet. Not because I want to lose weight, although that's been a nice side effect. But because I had no choice. Not really.

On March 12, I was diagnosed with diabetes. Not the end of the world by any means, though it was still a shock to find this out. I really shouldn't have been surprised, both my parents were diabetic. But it still requires change because I don't want the complications I've seen my parents have.

So, I'm taking a natural OPC-3 suppliment - which I lovingly refer to as "Threepio" because all it is - is C3PO's name in a different order! I spent one whole week on a De-tox diet...which let me tell you is no fun at all! Vegetables and fruit...and that was it!!! But I've upgraded and can eat more things now. Chicken, Tuna, fish - I can have every day...Beef, pork twice a week...shrimp, oysters etc...twice a month! Still not eating stuff like bread...anything that has flour in it. I've dropped 20 pounds and 50 points in my blood sugar. I'm really feeling kind of good. Hungry alot, but good.

Another life change that I had little choice in, was Justin's switched jobs! He no longer works with me at the paper. He works at a meat processing facility now. He wasn't happy here, and so I didn't try to get him to stay very hard. Truth is, I'm not very happy here and I'm looking for a new job too. Though not at the same place...killing cows and processing them doesn't appeal to me. I've got a few aps and resumes out.

It's not even about the money for me, it's the lousy principles I've sen at work in this place recently. That we've all seen. One shouldn't have to be pretty and thin to be favored by the boss. Granted, he favors all women over the guys, which works in my favor...but not even that is right! What a pig! I should be favored because I work hard. Whatever.

I guess that's all for now. How's everyone doing?

Still Alive

2010-03-26T22:44:00.002-04:00

Still alive and kicking, I promise.

Been busy working hard for too little money and respect, aren't we all? lol!

Justin just gave his 2 weeks notice at the paper, he's switching jobs. I'm trying to do the same. If I can, I'd love to get into the Practical Nursing Program at a nearby school.

Ok, I've got to get back to work now.

Church and Sports

2010-01-07T01:16:00.003-05:00

A few weeks ago, Justin and I were given free tickets to a hockey game. It was very cool and fun, the first for either one of us. Here are some thoughts I 've had since then.

The last church that I went to, the praise and worship leader was a good one for encouraging the congregation to get hyped up during worship by saying loosely - How many times do we hoot and holler and get excited for or favorite team, but we can't even raise our hands in worship? I've been guilty of saying the same thing. And I think it's time we rethink this idea.

It is very easy to go to a sporting event and get swept up in the excitement of the game. The rest of the people know all the rules and what is going on, and that kind of true excitement is contagious. The same could be true of worship. This could be good or bad, depending. The hockey game that I went to was enjoyable. I had never been to a live sporting event before, so that right there was exciting. Neither Justin or I are very knowledgable about the sport, knowing the bare basics. You know...puck in net= goal. Somethings we picked up on in the game. "Power play" is when one team has the advantage because a member of the opposing team is in the penalty box. Apparently it's all right to throw off your gloves and helmets and box in the middle of the rink, even though you pay for it afterwards. The more we picked up, the more excited we got. I don't think it would have been the same to have someone sitting there explaining the rules play by play , that'd be something of a killjoy.

And then there are those people who believe we must be solemn and dignified in church. Yes, there are those moments. However...those moments are not always the same for everybody. If JOY is a fruit of the spirit...no one is going to be solemn and dignified all the time. You can't have it both ways. Sometimes that boils down to something I witnessed at the hockey game...PERSPECTIVE. It's very hard to keep your eye on that puck...very fast moving. All of a sudden one side of the arena will burst into either cheering or they'll groan and you'll go - "What? What I miss?!?!" Perhaps the solemn and dignifieds ought to consider this when someone is jumping all around excited - that maybe, just maybe, they've seen something you didn't. Maybe they made a connection and realized a truth about God...maybe they finally received an answer to prayer...maybe God whispered something in their ear. And for those who are joyful...who look upon the weeper...maybe they should consider that they're weeping because they've seem something you haven't. Maybe they saw a news report about a mother who abused her babies the night before and are lamenting for the babies. weeping for the lostness of a mother who could do that to her own. Maybe they're not even sad - maybe they're experiencing joy so intense that the only outlet is tears. I mean hey...if we're going to compare being drunk in the Spirit to being drunk on alcohol, it makes sense that some of the same rules apply - you have your silly drunks, sad/weepy drunks, angry drunks and those you can't even tell have been drinking. It's a big big world and we don't always see the game play until the replay, and when it's live, you just have to take it on faith that the other side of the arena saw something you didn't.

It's easier to be undignified at a sporting event because...
#1 almost all the people are there becuase they want to be
#2 one can logically assume that if they want to be there, then they're all of the same mind...this is their team and they want their team to win
#3 No one cares what the person next to them is doing because their focus is on the playing field and team not the people in the stands - even the irritating guy in the back row heckling the ref's is not enough to distract anyone - that's just his way of getting into the game.

And to be honest, I got a lot of grief in church for being "too undignified" - no matter what was preached from the pulpit and keyboard. But let me tell you something, from what I saw at the kockey game - my worship was far from being "too undignified". And here I thought I was on the winning team!

Misc. Updates

2009-11-24T23:50:00.000-05:00

First and foremost...Yes, I am still alive.

I'm waiting for the spaghetti to get done so that I can go to bed. I have to be back into work at 9...even though I worked until 10p tonight. It's not "life or death" work accorcding to the one supervisor...but the other one seems to disagree. The job must get done...even if I keel over in the process apparently. They just send me one job after the other and expect it all to get done and have a cow if it's not. If I weren't going back to nights, I do think I'd walk away.

We started going from Computer To Plate recently, so it ought to be easier to get crap done. And I also get to go back to nights...eventually. 'Some time' after Thanksgiving is what I've been told. Christmas might come sooner. It'll be nice to be on a closer schedule with Justin.

Sometimes I feel like all we get to do is say "Hi" and "Bye" to each other. That's middle of the week, but time on the weekends isn't always abundant either. Of course, he's a man and doesn't always get that I miss him. Although there are times when he's as moody as any woman!!! He got pissed at me one night and threw one of our cats out the door! And 2 days later when it came back ---- I let it back in.

I'm not sure what's worse...not climaxing during sex...or dreaming about sex and not climaxing then either!!!! I hate those dreams, I really do. At least the last few times that we've been intimate it's been goooooood.

Can a person be too secure in their sexuality? I commented on a woman's boyd one night in a movie we were watching ... it was a nice body ... and Justin looks at me like I'm nuts. I wasn't saying I'd want to have sex with the woman, just that she had a nice body. I was a bit envious too. Justin doesn't understand how warped a woman's perspective of her body can be. You can't tell me that Justin would love for me to be thinner and shaplier ---- I mean, I'd like to be that way myself!

It's just that I'm so tired that I don't feel like excercising...we don't always have the money to eat healthy. I'll never lose wieght living on spaghetti. But it's food and one must live.

Ok, speaking of spaghetti...it's done and I'm going to have a wee bit before I go to bed.

Oh, can you believe I've just now gotten around to reading Harry Potter? Just finished the first book and can't help but wonder what the big deal so many Christians have with it. Anyway. That's another subject for another time I think.

I also found one of my old college friends on facebook...awesome!!

Well, now that's out of the way...how are you?

:)

The Weekend that was

2009-09-16T23:25:00.001-04:00

And may it never happen again.

I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've backslidden...to some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged.

Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well aware that he's young yet and wants to experiment. I do think that he's senitive enough to my feelings that he wouldn't go to overboard; especially in light of what happened this past weekend.

His best friend Mo was up for the weekend, and sad to say they're probably no lnger best friends. I'm not sure if Mo is just a lightweight, whether his autism makes this so, or whether he just had to much...but Mo can't hold his liquor. And when he gets drunk...he gets wierd. And Justin had never seen that before. I saw a little bit Friday night when I came home from work, but since I was sober, I ignored most of it and deflected the conversation each time he tried to get offended over something I said.

I should have seen the warning signs and put an end to their drinking plans for the rest of the weekend. But hindsight is 20/20.

So, everything was ok Saturday. We were all having drinks and nothing got out of hand...although I do have several bruises from wrestling with Justin [I need to learn to 'cry uncle' sooner! lol]

Sunday night/Monday morning was a different matter. I had a few drinks of vodka and kool-aid and went to bed early because Monday morning is my earliest morning --- I have to be at work at 8am. About 4:30am there is this loud crash that wakes me up...we're still not sure what Mo dropped...I've had a sore muscle in my neck ever since. For some reason, I never really drifted back off completely. I could still hear them and just before 6 I decided to get up, an hour earlier than my alarm was set because -- really, what was the point. And that was just about when the shit hit the fan.

Justin's still not sure what started it, but Mo started getting wierd...which kind of wierded Justin out so he tried calling an end to the night and sending Mo to bed. Well, Mo instisted he was ok and he wasn't drunk [wasted off his ass is more like it] and the next thing I know, Mo is trying to leave and Justin is restraining him because he doesn't want his friend to get hurt. Mo's fists flew...several times. Mo talked trash...called Justin gay...alien...pretty much everything but white. Justin did get some blows of his own in, but nothing like what he was getting...he really was more sober than Mo and was remaining calm...though his patience was wearing thin towards the end. Mo tried to convince me through all this that I would be better off with him than Justin because Justin doesn't love me, he neglects me and he's gay...blah blah blah.

Well, wasn't that interesting?! Oh really?

I really should have called his grandparents, or the cops, sooner. That 20/20 hindsight again. At the time I was too scared to think straight or obey my instincts. I mean, I told Mo just the day before that....that although I put on a pretty good brave front, I'm really a very timid person. I've been assaulted before...one uncle groped me, one brother put me in a headlock, another brother has given me a black eye. Mo kept whining that I wasn't doing anything to help him...uhm, duh! I was trying to stay out of their way! They're both over 6ft tall....I'm only 5'7 on a good day...and I know that Justin could wipe the floor with me if he wanted...there was NO WAY I was going to get in the middle of that!

Justin is not perfect...he admits that he takes me for granted...and ignores me sometimes. But he makes up for it. Like when Mo threatened to kill me...Justin said that Mo'd have to go through him first. Probably would have said that about anyone Mo would have threatened at that point, he's that kind of guy. But for him to have said that to his best friend, about a girl of all things, says a lot.

I'm not sure if the boys are going to make up. Justin thinks that once Mo sobers up and calms down, that things will go back the way that they were. As much as I don't want to see Justin hurt, I don't think that would be a good idea. I think Justin has out grown his friend, several of them, and he doesn't see it yet. I don't think Mo is a good influence...and I think that Mo is jealousof Justin. After all...Justin's only a year older and has his own money, own place, and a woman who treats him well. Mo's "girlfriend" is a middle age woman older than his mother...while I'm ok with the entire older woman thing [I'm 11 years older than Justin after all] I think having someone older than you're own mother is not very healthy...especially since Mo's a functioning autistic who according to his mom is emotionally 14-15...sober...2 when drunk. I've though back to some of Mo's "joking" comments....about how if he and Justin ever got really mad at each other what a knock down drag out fight they would have [wonder if it lived up to his expectations?]...about how everything is a competition between them, including me "just joking"...and I can't help but wonder if maybe Mo was looking for a fight?????

I'm glad it's over. There's still emotional fallout to deal with. I still feel emotionally bruised over it. I know Justin's still bothered. Neither one of us is sleeping well. I'm trying to deal with my own fears...and trying to help him and not mother hen him...it's not easy. He spent the afternoon with another emotionally disturbed friend...one who has no problem burning Justin with cigarettes or slashing him with a knife...and I'm wondering why Justin has so many friends who abuse him and take advantage of him. I know he's naive and doesn't see it. I wish he would.

I liked Mo...I like this other guy...but I like Justin more...and I want to see him with friends who lift him up and not drag him down.

Sigh.

On a different note...here's a pic I took of myself just the other night on my cellphone.

Trailer Trash

2009-08-23T00:52:00.002-04:00

I don't care what anyone says - just because I live in a trailer, in a trailer park, does NOT make me trailer trash.

Sad to say, you can find "trailer trash" in some of the most expensive mansions.

The world needs to stop looking at the superficial. The outside trappings. What a person looks like....what they wear...how they sound even....where they live...what their abode looks like.

So this trailer isn't going to be much help if a tornado sweeps through...what house is? Seriously. No I don't have a storm shelter...but while we've had tornadoes here before, they're not that often. I was a teen living with my parents the last time this town had one. And that was during the day - I'd be at work...poor Justin would be home and in bed. He'd probably be out in the storm, the goofball...I wouldn't put it past him to try to ride the tornado...oh, who was that? Pecos Bill? I don't remember that tall tale. If a storm were to come at night...I'd probably sleep right through it anyway.

I'm just not that worried about it. Why should I?

Like I said to the jerk on facebook....I have a roof over my head. There are too many people in this world that don't have that much. And I live with a great guy. He drives me freakin' nuts sometimes...but it's all good. He has a good heart. More stubborn than me, but that's ok! Not everyone has someone - I didn't for a long time and I can appreciate that.

Man looks on the outside, but God looks inward. So he said to the prophet Samuel when he was checking out Jesse's boys trying to find the one God wanted to be the next king of Israel. I guess all of David's brothers were better looking....at least they looked more regal. We all need to take that lesson from God. No we can't see all they way inside to a person's heart like He can, but we can look beneath the surface if we try.

I've still got that lesson to learn, I know, I know. I'm just as bad. I guess I don't like it when I'm on the other side! LOL! Ah, well...I'm not dead yet, so there's hope for me yet! :-D

Always the Walkers

2009-08-16T00:40:00.003-04:00

Yes Jean-Luc, The Visitation is a favorite book of mine. While it is fiction and not Gospel...there's a lot of Gospel truth in the book.

The scene: a hardware store, a few days after the angel sitings have started and the crucifix started weeping.

The players: Travis Jordan and the owner, Matt Kiley.

Matt was a Vietnam vet who came home paralyzed. Of course, people were urging him to go down to the Catholic church to touch the crucifix to be healed of his disability. Matt's a little disgruntled with it all. "Like all I have to do is look up at that crucifix and believe, and that'll do it." A little later on, he says to Trav - "Funny. I made some friends at the VA hospital, I've met some other folks in wheelchairs, and we got along fine. They never told me to go down and look at some crucifix or wash in some special kind of water or say some kind of magic prayer words. It's always the walkers who know what you need."

Now - do not get me wrong. I believe that God heals in strange and miraculous ways. It's all throughout the Bible, and even in today He has not changed. I also believe that God's goal is to have everyone healed...It's what Jesus did when He walked on this earth. That isn't the point of this paragraph or my thoughts.

It seems that it's always the healthy that knows what the sick person needs. Sometimes, this is true as that healthy person has been there and done that. But how many times is the person who is healthy never had a physical ailment? They've never known disability. They've never known disillusionment. They've never endured the silence of God. So then - who are they really to counsel, judge, criticize, those who are sick, those who are bitter, heartbroken. If you've never been in that spot...how can you know what they're really truly going through? And how can you know the answer?

And who are they to question what God is up to? Exodus 4:11 - So the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?" In no way am I saying that God wishes ill on His creation. BUT - what if there's a point to all the suffering? To movitate the Church to good works. Sometimes to participate in miraculous healings...and sometimes to just help that person endure their tribulation. To encourage them that they're going to make it.

I know that there are many people who would view me as a backsliding Christian. I've even joked about it. They would tell me that all I need is to read my bible and pray and have a quiet time with God everyday. There's nothing wrong with that and I used to do it all the time. I am just tired and God understands this. I have read scripture to the point where I've memorized the gist and sometimes the words. I work mainly by myself during the week - above the sounds of the machines all I have is quiet....not to mention the hours alone I have in the trailer when Justin is at work. My faith has become something between me and Him and right now intruders [and well meaning idiots] aren't welcome.

There may come a day when this quiet volcano erupts within me and I walk in His power and presence in greater measure than I once did - but the timing is up to Him. I'm not going to force it...and no one else is going to either. Since moving into the trailer, I've already sensed a difference in me. I can't explain it. I just know that although the church brands me a sinner for not standing in front of a crowd and getting a legal document ---- I have a peace about this relationship and this move. And I know that God's hand is on my life.

Hmm, I've been long winded the past couple of days. Sorry! This is what happens when I read books and think deep thoughts! lol

Presently

2009-08-13T22:45:00.002-04:00

I'm presently reading The Visitation by Frank Peretti. Again. I've lost count of how many times I've read this book over the years since I bought it. Had to have been...yeah, not sure. It was released in 1999, but I know I didn't get it until it had been out a while. Overall I'm a fan of Peretti's writing...although there have been a couple I got so into that I couldn't go to sleep with the lights out afterwards! This one isn't one of those, although I'm definitely into the book.

Each time I read it, I discover something new....understand bits and pieces better.

I've been putting this reading off for a while. Can't really explain why. My eye had fallen on it a few times since unpacking my books at the beginning of June...but no, I had to read three other series first [for the curious: Firebird Trilogy, Prairie Winds Trilogy, Legends of the Guardian-King series] But when I was placing the last book on the shelf, I went ahead and grabbed Visitation. And it is hitting home like it never has before.

In short: Antioch is being visited by a man that looks like Jesus, almost but not quite claims to be Him, is doing miracles left and right, and pretty much winning over the town. But not everyone is buying his act, mainly the protagonist Travis Jordan...who started out as a fired up Pentecostal preacher...and is now resigned, looking forward to teaching 6th grade in the fall. The story flashes between the present, and Travis' past, his teen years, meeting his wife, their first pastorate, etc...and how right now, he's pretty much disillusioned with the entire church scene. And yeah, he's still hurting because his wife died...despite all the prayers and faith healers they went to.

Now, I've not lost my spouse. I've never been a pastor. But regardless, a lot of Travis' past hits a chord with me.

Because I've been in the same types of services...dealt with the same types of people...been that type of person he's had to deal with!...dealt with the same disappointments. I'm dealing with being 'outside' the church looking in. I've been put down because I'm different, like the youth at his first pastorate...because "this is the way we've always done things and this is how we're gonna keep doing them..."

Like his sister Rene says early in the book, I might have left the church, but I never left God. It's all just...stuff. {that's not a direct quote, sorry the book's in the living room and I'm too much of a bum right now to go get it!} There's a difference. Church stuff is nice...but it's just stuff. It doesn't replace a relationship with Jesus...but it can displace it. The stuff can kill you if you let it...along with all that judgment from others if you're not doing ALL the stuff, ALL the time, the right way [their way].

And it was killing me. All the judgment from the last church I went to, my best friend's judgments [although she would deny it]...the pressure to fit someone else's mold of what a good Christian girl ought to be instead of being allowed to be the woman God made me...was suffocating me. I know that I hear from God...I might not be the best at timing, or knowing when something is just for me or for sharing...but I know that I know that I hear from God. But because I'm a single woman that was going to church where their were nor strong women anointed in hearing from God, I made a lot of mistakes that weren't forgiven - at least not by certain aspects of leadership...or friends.

Well, I can't get over it for them. That's between them and God.

In the meantime, I can allow Him to heal what's been broken...grow what He's planted in His time...and learn from the spot I'm at.

Even if I do feel a little like a flower trying to bloom in the desert.

There's something in that, I think. Maybe I'll post more on it, and this book some more later. Right now I've got to stretch my legs.

And Jean-Luc: a lot of my poems get written at 2am! I might be a sort of day shift person on the job, but at the heart of me is the night owl!

400th Post

2009-08-09T02:00:00.001-04:00

Here it is...my 400th post!

I think I'm going to be fired from Company Apprentice this week. After all, I was the one in charge of my team this week...and we lost...again. Of course, it goes without saying that the judge is slanted to the other team, he admitted as much in one of the comments from last week.

Whatever.

I know I'm a great writer. Just because my posts on the blog contest have sucked, doesn't mean anything. I don't know how the others do it, but apparently I just can't balance real life and a pretend reality contest. I mean - I work 40 hours a week...I have chores to do...I have a boyfriend who hogs the computer on his nights off and won't let me on [well, it is his computer! lol!] Thursday night we spent 6-7 hours at my mother's doing laundry. I didn't have time to go online and work on a story. It would have been nice, but I was exhausted and in sore need of sleep. So my post wasn't what I wanted. My teammates posts weren't what I wanted either...but since I was in charge, I'm sure the blame will be laid at my feet. Maybe I should have been more specific in my desires for their post, but apparently they had something else in mind. Oh well.

Like I said, I know I'm a great writer...I just suck at 1st person "reality" posts...lol!

I had a terrible dream the other night...it was odd. Like it was a movie of my life...I was being played by Sally Field and Justin was being played by Martin Mull of all people! I was finding out that I couldn't have babies. :'( Justin was upset merely because I was upset [he doesn't want kids anyways]...but it was nice to know that he was upset even if it was just because I was upset. Wierd. I'm not even sure what he's say if I were to tell him about the dream.

Oddly enough though, he has had dreams about me and kids. Tempy thinks that it's not so much that he doesn't want kids, but that he doesn't want to face a custody battle someday. Well, duh...make sure he keeps me for starters! Dork. But even if we did split up, I wouldn't deny him access to any kids we might have by accident.

If I can have kids.

I've always been afraid of that. I don't know why. Probably the devil playing on my fears. But we have been having unprotected sex for almost a year now and it hasn't happened. Well, we're both still young, so it could still happen. If he decides he wants one and I can have one. There's always adoption though.

Sorry, I guess I'm letting my fears get a hold of me. Kind of feels better to share though.

I guess. A trip to facebook and then maybe Runescape. I got up too late to go to bed this early. It's gonna bite me in the arse come Monday morning though! Like that'd be the first time!

While I am grateful for having a job - I really do not like dayshift...or the split-shift. Maybe it would be different if it was all dayshift but it's not and it gets tiring. And then on the weekends, I revert back to the nightshift schedule to be with Justin.

Such is life.

And another year passes...

2009-08-01T03:21:00.002-04:00

Well, I've survived another birthday.

It was a wretched day as well that started out with me realizing that we were out of brake fluid again - therefore no brakes...and me standing in the pouring rain in the lower parking lot of the trailor court filling it back up. And still almost wrecking on the way to work, again.

And it didn't get any better from there.

But...if any of that flour that Mom has stockpiled is any good, I'm gonna bake this weekend..............................I'll be sure to bake myself a cake!

Red Sonja

2009-07-26T01:21:00.007-04:00

I just realized that my character that I write on one of my other blogs, is a Red Sonja type. I honestly had no idea. Never heard of her until Koma made a crack about it in one of his posts over at Company Apprentice...and I just had to look it up to see what the heck he was talking about. It was an intersting read, to be sure. I even found a few good pics I could use too. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's not like she is Red Sonja...just happens to dress kind of like her and has red hair. The story line is completely different. Once this reality blog is over, I'll be able to get back to Ciera. I created a new character - "Lt. Hawk-Eyes" - and I have no idea how he really fits in yet. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either...just gonna stretch my creativity a bit. Like this realiy blog thingy is. Sheesh, it's almost more stress than what it's worth. At least I'm not up for being fired this week, even though my team lost. I hope Koma doesn't get fired though - as much as his character antagonizes me, I don't want him to go yet. Bennett was right, this week was his best story telling ever.

Too seriously

2009-07-19T21:22:00.004-04:00

I think I take my writing too seriously. Or myself.

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to participate in "The Company Apprentice" - one of those blog reality show contest thingies. I was far too sensitive during the last one, and have been trying hard to write drivel so that I'm not attached to anything that might draw criticism. Bennett is a notoriously critical person when it comes to judging others, and so I must have been freaking nuts when I said yes.

Sometimes I am to damn sensitive for my own good. Who is Koma that I ought to be upset that he's calling my character Ciera a she-devil and banshee. All in good fun to keep people reading I suppose. But still, I know that character and she's not that way. At worst, on these reality blog show things, I tend to potray her as a flirt and such, but she-devil? That's almost as bad as Koma thinking I'm actually a guy pretending to be a girl online.

That and either this computer or facebook is giving me a hard time as well. Maybe I ought to just stick to Runescape.

But you know. Bennet's writer tells me not to take the criticism too harshly because he's overdoing it for the blog. That I can handle. Koma telling me to keep myself seperate from my character is harder --------- I get to be all that I can't be in real life through her. I have a freedom of expression on my Ciera blog. It's the same reason I like Runescpae ------- where else can I walk around carrying a black scimitar? I mean, really!! Where else can I fly around space, having all sorts of neat adventures???

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't run into trouble until I try these reality thingies. Maybe I ought to just stick to my own blog.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessed

2009-07-12T18:17:00.004-04:00

I am so blessed. Sometimes I have no idea. Right now, Justin and I have $2 to our name, I need girlie supplies, we need TP and food...but I have a man who is tenderhearted and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me.

He trusts me enough to let me see his tears.

Justin's friend Mo was up for a week, and spent the entire time with us. It was wierd at first, since I didn't know Mo that well, but once the ice was broken things were fine. We chatted and played Runescape while Justin was at work and. The only glitch in it all was that I was ignored a lot when Justin was home. I took it well, after all this is his best friend and he never gets to see him, so I womaned up and let him have his fun time with his friend. After all, Mo was only going to be here for a week.

And he did go home today, Justin took him over there to his grandma's...spent too much time there given that he still had to come home and get sleep before he goes into work, but he was trying to get in every last minute. And so he comes home, and we lay down in bed...him to sleep, me to just be with him for a few minutes. And Justin says to me that he was sorry that he was ignoring me this week [Mo must have said something] and I just leaned in a kissed his cheek and said that it was ok and that I understood. And that's when I noticed he was leaking tears out his eyes. Once I made certain that it was just Mo leaving that was bothering him, I hugged him close, told him that I loved him and wiped the tears away as they fell.

I have to admit, I kind of miss Mo myself a little bit. Mo is a special young man and likable. He's a functioning Autistic and is a trip to talk to.

Still, I'm glad to have my man back to myself for a little while.

Speaking of which, I have to go make something for his lunch tonight and then wake him in about an hour.

ps ~ just spoke with J about it, Mo didn't say anything to him about J ignoring me...he realized it all on his own. Aww.

We'll see

2009-07-01T01:36:00.002-04:00

Well...Todd claims he was trying to be witty. uh-huh...ok. We'll buy that for now, especially since he did apologize and suggest that we start over. Good idea. Don't trust him one bit, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Ok. It's late and I'm going to bed.

Facebook Fun?

2009-06-29T06:00:00.001-04:00

When I joined Facebook, I received a couple of greetings about 'welcome to facebook fun'. I had no intention of Facebook being a replacement for this blog...I was not going to share anything deep there, just going to keep it light and fun...maybe reconnect with some people from high school....

Well. So much for that thought.

I posted some pics that I had taken of Justin with my cell, to show people what the goofball looks likes because I've got friends who've never met him and my fifth grade English teacher was like, "Who's Justin?" So I got his brilliant idea to do a little facebook post about who he was--and in the spirit of keeping it light I made a comment that he was going to kill me when he got home and discovered that I had broken our last glass drinking cup but oh well because that's how the cookie crumbles...and this freakin' idiot from high school makes this 'deep' comment about 'breaking glass, cookies crumbling: destructive' ...WTF? So my fifth grade English teacher makes comment to his comment, about that kind of stuff happeneing, it's called life. {Way to go Miss Myfelt!} And this idiot replies with 'yeah, life is destructive'...double WTF?! So I write up this nice reply about how that's "only if you let it" plus a few other tidbits and again, this moron can't just say that he's glad that I'm happy, he has to continue with this crap - this time I got a circle of life line...grasshopper eats grass, frog eats grasshopper' etc....Seriously, wtf is wrong with this man....we haven't spoken since Graduation night when he fucked me over to make his mother happy [can anyone say "momma's boy" in a non-nice way?] I was no threat to his relationship with his girlfriend, despite my crush on him, I was happy with our 'just friends' status. I spent more years than I care to recount deeply depressed because of the crap that happened that night. I don't talk about it because it's in the past, a long time in the past and I no longer feel the pain the same way that I did...now it's like, "Todd who?"

And now, fifteen years later, his first words to me are about how destructive I am and the rest of this crap? On Facebook where I was trying to keep it all light and fun - because this place here is where I let loose and vent and be honest about everything regardless of how petty, ignorant, immature it might make me look. Because I get over it after I've vented and move on. Whether that will work this time, I don't know...because it's an ongoing issue still. I basically told him off in my last reply to his idiotic comment. Seriously, how did a post about my boyfriend turn into that crap? I told him that if he couldn't say anything nice to me, like "I'm glad you're happy" then to not say anything at all.

If this keeps up, I'm going to have to delete him. My own fault for testing the waters to see what 15 years had done ... not enough apparently. Not for him anyways. What an idiot. Thinking - I've never been more grateful to have that asshole out of my life!

Wow, apparently I've grown up just a little bit.

Just a little.

Perchance To Dream

2009-06-27T16:50:00.002-04:00

I was looking through an old journal last week, and couldn't help but notice how hung up I used to be on my dreams. I dunno, maybe it was my 'dream journal' for all I can remember now. Do I believe that God can and does speak to people [me] through their dreams? Absolutely! The dream I have below is an example of that...and one worth remembering as far as I'm concerned. Something I've found as I've been going through old emails. It's dated Sept. 19, 2006.

I dreamt about Jesus this morning. About what it might have been like to fellowship at a meal with Him. I know that it wasn't like the bible times, but He and His disciples where sitting around a picnic table at the shore...there was a bonfire going. Some of the people around the table were His disciples from then...some were people I knew from today. I remember peaking around the corner...watching the fun and listening to the laughter...being jealous because Mary Magdalen was out there...and then Jesus saw me and beckoned for me to join them...I remember getting to set at the end of the table, near Jesus. Then we were fishing. The waters were a bit rough at first, but Jesus was having a blast being out on the waters with His friends. I remember helping Peter cast the net over the side and then dragging it back in, full of little fish. I'm not sure if the fish were close to the surface or if we were fishing in shallow waters, which wouldn't make sense since we were in a boat for crying out loud, but you know dreams...we were also close to shore where we were fishing.

It's not that hard of a dream to figure out, if you know any of your Bible anyways. Jesus was beckoning me to come closer...letting me know that I was every bit as loved as Mary Magdalen. And she's right up there with Mary of Bethany, you know. MM was a sinner...and she knew just how much she had been set free from [7 demons] and knew just how much she had been forgiven and how much she was loved. She was as much a disciple/follower as the guys were. Jesus didn't shut women out of His entourage. He welcomed them as much as He did the little children. You see, the women got it. They knew what He was saying. The women who annoited Him with perfume and oil days before His crucifixion knew that He was talking about His own death...while the guys were squabbling over who among them was the greatest.

John knew how much he was loved to...in his entire Gospel he never once refers to himself by his name...he called himself "His beloved disciple" or just Beloved. John knew that he was loved and accepted to the depth of his being. He didn't give two shits about the other guy, he just knew that he was secure in the arms of grace. By that, I'm refering to Peter's quetion at the Lake, during the breakfast after Jesus' resurrection when Jesus gave him commands "Feed my sheep" etc...and Peter asks, "Well, what about him?" actually refering to John. Jesus replied,"What is that to you?"

When Jesus calls us, it's something personal. It's a relationship with Him...not everybody in the church. It's a romance. He wants to draw you deeper into Him...who He is a Savior, God, and yes, a friend. Jesus didn't walk this earth as some holier-than-thou teacher with an attitude, because He really is Holy than any of us...He genuinely liked the people He was hanging out with. Even Judas, had Judas been able to see what was really going on, had he been able to accept the divine call and love. Jesus, as a man, was a guy you could relax around...even though He was/is the Creator of the universe and could blast you with fire and brimstone if He wanted. How you can relax around that, is really nothing short of a miracle itself!

When I think of how often I was walking on pins and needles at that last church I went to, I cringe. How much of it was fed into by leadership and how much of it was actually Paige's paranoia, I don't know. I may never know. But regardless...that's not what Jesus saved me for, not what He called me into. He saved me, called me, however you want to put it...because He loves me...He sees all that I am, the good the bad and the ugly...and loves me anyway...with a passion and depth I don't always grasp. And that's how He wants me to look at other people. I don't always succeed - a flaw I know that I"m not alone in having.

And He wants to be my friend. Me of all people!

Someone I can talk to...no holds barred. Someone I can depend on. Someone I can trust.

Even when I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him. I've had enough moments in my life to know that He's always there. Always waiting for me to need Him, want Him.

A lol

2009-06-25T21:42:00.002-04:00

Here's something funny that I read in one of the paper's that I plated last week:

"The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from eating too much pi." author unknown

I have two more, but I'm too pooped to find them. I think I'm going to bed early.

Must be...

2009-06-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

I must be mad. Truly. I just signed up with Facebook. Like I don't already have enough to do! LOL!

Not much going on tonight. Catching up on internet stuff. Haven't gotten to MySpace yet. I forget about that sometimes. Good luck with facebook then huh?

I had to remind myself to be grateful tonight for having a job. It's not that I'm not grateful that Monika took the layoff and I got to go back to work. It's not even that I dislike my job. I just don't like going in anymore. Oh well. Like I said to God, I'll get over it. Part of it is the wierd hours, but as Jerry said tonight that's only for a couple more months. He's not even sure what will happen when we go from computer to plate, but he doesn't think they'll eliminate another person....can't lose too many more!

I fell in the bathtub Sat. morning. Banged my side up...HUGE black and blue mark...and I'm really kind of achy. But at least I didn't break a rib or anything like that.

Ok. I've had enough for right now. ttyl.

Disturbed

2009-06-20T02:30:00.000-04:00

I am disturbed. Upset. Out of sorts.

Grossed right out.

I try not to post twice a day, because that just seems too much to me. But I have to talk to someone now. Even though you can't talk back. I have to vent.

I just chatted with a cousin of mine. BLOOD RELATION cousin. No steps, no halfs, no inbetweens. And I'm pretty sure he was coming onto me. He says he was joking....two paragraphs after saying how he would have done me at Easter time...and later telling me how he wished we'd had the chance to fool around when we were younger.

Ok, I did a lot of naughty things when I was younger [read - a kid still] that I regret. But I've gotten over it. I've laid it all out to the Lord, I know He's forgiven me, and it no longer haunts me like it used to. Like Justin says "You were young. So what."

But, anything naughty between me and this cousin would NOT be on my conscience because he's the one that's older. And unfortunately, whatever happened in the trailor - I don't remember it in the detail that he does, thank God - is still on his mind. And for some reason he felt the need to tell me about it. I will never tell him this, but I feel so dirty right now. I even mentioned Justin a time or two {uhm, yeah cousin about that - I have a man already}...and I swear at least once he was trying to oneup Justin and try to prove that he'd be better in bed - thank God this was all over the internet and nothing happened in person. I'm sorry he's having problems with his cheating wife, and that ever since his vasectomy he's ultra-horny, but that's the it of it! There's nothing I can about it or ever will.

Yes, I had crushes on my cousins when I was growing up. I was young - and my cousins were the only boys that really ever played with me. Of course, they had to because they were my cousins. lol!

Still, I am disturbed. I'll get over it and I'm feeling a little better already. Sort of. I mean, I almost feel like there is something wrong with me - I've had 2 blood relations come onto me in the past year. EEEEEEWWWWW.

I'm going to get off of here and go read my book.

Rambles

2009-06-19T23:23:00.001-04:00

This is my late night. I don't have to work tomorrow, so I drove the truck home and will go back to get Justin about 4am...unless he calls me to come early. They were having press problems when I left, so I'm thinking that's just not going to happen. I was just chatting with a friend on AIM and was telling how on the weekends I slip back to Justin's sleep schedule. After all, it used to be mine as well!

I did get one thing accomplished last night. I went through all the poems on my poetry blog and got them all labeled. Very cool. I forgot how good my poetry can be.

Of course, it put the spark in me for another poem. I might work on that later.

I have no idea if I'm going to get any of Justin's attention this weekend or not. I tried so hard Thursday afternoon but he was busy doing stuff online. Whatever. One of the tires on the truck is going soft :( which is always a bummer. I guess they all need to be replaced for it to pass inspection though. And a bumper. I wonder why that is. Oh well.

That reminds me, I have to get the address on my driver's license and truck registration changed. I might try to do that online now. Especially since it's on my mind.

ttyl.

And so it is...

2009-06-18T21:45:00.000-04:00

That I sit here and wonder. Wonder what, I don't know exactly. Too many things all at once...maybe that's why I get headaches...lol!

Aw, I just sit here bored. Justin is at work and it's just me and the stupid cats and they're not very good company. I've done the dishes, all that remains is to dry them and put stuff away. I suppose I could sweep, but I don't feel up to it right now...ok, I just don't want to. Maybe later.

I have answered emails, could probably go through some of the archived ones. I've phoned a few old friends. Talked over an hour with the one. I'll probably just do what I'm doing now...sit here and wonder and think while I cruise the net. I might pull out some stories and work on them.

I have to check my bank account, see if my check's gone in. Although since Justin forgot to take my debit card with him, it's not going to put gas in the truck unless he speeds home on lunch. I wonder if he'll call me like he did last night. It sucks being on a different shift from him sometimes. Most of the time. Maybe he'll get home ok with what he has in the truck, it was almost to the line just above the E but not quite.

Work was interesting today, it was busy for a Thursday, even though I was only there for 6 hours. Almost all of the jobs were the long 34 inch papers. That's a long negative let me tell you! But it went fine. I did have to come off of my lunch break early to fix a negative, which kind of irked me. Don't stand there and rush me when you cut my lunch time short. oh well, I made up for it by not doing a whole lot my last half hour - did some emails and computer work.

Gonna cut this short, don't want to bore people to death---I want you to come back after all!

moved

2009-06-17T01:12:00.003-04:00

Hey! I've done moved again! Justin and I have been in our own place since June 1st...we just got our internet up and running. I still haven't found everything packed away from last time yet. Go fig. More later, I have to go to bed.

Short and Sweet...sort of...

2009-05-27T23:52:00.003-04:00

Well, I was laid off for what...two weeks? Give or take. I was called back to work yesterday afternoon. The only thing is...it's going to be dayshift because Monika is going to take the layoff instead. I'd rather work nightshift in the mailroom than dayshift in the plateroom...just because I like nightshift better. It has nothing to do with the people, it's that the work is different and to be honest....I'm a night person! I don't like getting up early. Oh well. Maybe they'll let me switch back before too long. I mean we are going to be changing things in the plateroom which means that they won't be needing quite the same coverage. Part of the reason I was laid off to start with...only part of.

In other exciting news...Justin and I should be moving into our own trailer sometime this weekend, or early next week. Yay! It's going to suck with us working different shifts, but we'll figure it out.

I've been working on fowarding myself pics and stuff off my mom's computer so I don't loose them when I move. Justin does have a computer, so I'll be able to do stuff on his once we get our phone and internet hooked up.

I'll try to keep you all updated more often, and eventually I'll get back to writing again.

Crowded

2009-05-20T04:45:00.003-04:00

I feel crowded.

And bored.

Four people in a three bedroom trailor is too much.

Not going to write much, as I'm going to bed shortly. I'll only be there for about an hour and then Justin will have to get up and go to work...he's been on dayshift all this week and hasn't that been interesting. I can't wait until we're almost on the same sleeping schedule again. So I'm going to go try to sneak in and not wake him.

Another one bites the dust...

2009-05-15T01:48:00.002-04:00

Never a dull moment I said, right?

Sigh.

I was laid off from my job last night. I'd been there about 45 minutes when Jerry came to get me. I knew that we were probably going to lose a person in the plateroom because we're going from computer to plate later this summer and I just didn't think it would be me because between me and Monika I'm the more computer savvy. It didn't help that she's been there 30 years and I've only been there 3. What also bites bigtime, is that she's the one looking for another job!!! WTF?!?!!!!!!

Brian and Jerry did say that when there's an opening available that I can come back. I don't think it would be to the same position as they're bringing Tina back from days as she's the only other one who knows everything I do. But then again, who knows? I'm the person with the least amount of complaints when it came to crooked plates. If we still have to punch the plates, I'm still better at that than either one of them.

Which reminds me, I didn't get to finish Tv Week before I left tonight. Oh well! Not my problem anymore!

But they're going to let me draw unemployment. And they're going to give me the rest of my vacation days, as well as some money to buy health insurance for a few months.

My one brother doesn't think this will last long...I mean, they called me all the time on my nights off! We'll see.

Let's hope it doesn't last long---Justin and I are supposed to move into our own place the beginning of June!!!!!

Never a dull moment

2009-05-04T18:50:00.000-04:00

At least there hasn't been in the past couple of weeks, though my boyfriend probably wouldn't agree.

I went away for Easter to my aunts, and I left my vehicle at home and drove mom's since I was technically taking her up there. On Sunday, I was at my aunt's alone because Mom wanted somene to stay with the 2 dogs so they didn't go all seperation anxiety on us. I texted my boyfriend, not thinking that he was even up yet. He called me shortly after that, telling me how he was borrowing the truck and how my brother had freaked out because he thought someone was stealing the truck. I have no problem with Justin borrowing the truck, although I would like him to get his license taken care of - but that's another story.

I come home Monday, Justin picks me up - telling Mom and me how he's probably going to be in big trouble with his parents because he didn't go home at all Monday morning after work [we're both nightshifters]. We figure he's right, and he and I go to work. I drop him off at his home after work, and take my self home.

The next day, as I'm driving my Mom to her doctors appointment up to Packer my cell phone rings with Justin's ringtone. I answer it [bad girl!] and Justin's saying "You have to get over here now." Uhm.....can't! He even repeated it after I had explained to him that I was taking mom to the hospital and just couldn't. I repeated my answer. That might have been for the benefit of his strict parents because he later told me that at one point I was on speaker phone. I was expecting to be late for work so I couldn't even go over there after we were done. He couldn't even tell me what was going on.

So, later that night at work I learn that because Justin didn't come home...he was being kicked out. Ooookay. I don't think that his parents realize that at 22 he doesn't have to do as they say. While I agree with "my roof my rules" but they have a tendancy to take it to the extreme [like we had to have their permission to go out on a date]. So, he had until Saturday to get his stuff out of their home.

Guess where he's living!

It's no big deal, we we had just been accepted to rent to own a trailor in a local trailor park so we knew we were going to be living together soon anyway. Of course, living with me is a "big mistake" according to his parents. Well, we haven't killed each other yet. I think Mom's thought about it a couple of times.

Regardless, it's our mistake to make. And I don't think it is. My continuing to hope that his parents and I can ever have a civil conversation without one of them yelling and both of them being patronizing is a mistake. It just ain't gonna happen.

More another day...I have to go to work.

updates

2009-02-20T04:35:00.002-05:00

Such as they are.

Nothing has changed with the car situation....I still don't have one. I got my car back from the mechanic - and it lasted maybe two weeks, if that. I've been getting rides to work mainly with my one nephew, sometimes my brother. I get rides home either from Burg or Austin, sometimes Tempy. Very tiring, especially since I still owe for the initial repairs.

My sister flew back in from Texas this week, causing all sorts of family drama. Apparently she is about two months late, she should have came back in December [there was a court order] so she's lost sole custody of AK. I guess we knew what we were talking about, Mom and I. She didn't even have a lawyer and Adam's had one since she left.

Things are slow at work. Not really good. I hate having nothing to do. It means I've either got to clean something or go out into the mailroom. But then again, Tina just sent down a whole bunch of notes that I've got to sort through.

They just fired one of the pressmen {Amanda} about two weeks ago, so Justin's schedule has been different then mine so that his training can be accelerated. They need him to be able to run the press by himself quickly. We get to see each other about three days a week, only at work because we don't have a vehicle. That will be changing in the next month because we're shifting one of our print jobs to a different facility.

Mom just got Dish network, with a free DVR upgrade...which is niiiice...I love being able to record Stargate and MASH! And watching House and Home Improvement.

I've got to go kick the dog out of my spot now, he's been too comfortable for too long!

Holiday Greetings

2008-12-24T11:38:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas!

Happy Hannukah!

Happy Boxing Day!

Did I miss anybody?

I hit a deer last week, with Mom's van. Her insurance is fixing it (headlight) and provided us with a rental for two days while it's in the garage. I've been driving around in a PT Cruiser....which is kind of nice...our van sucks compared to it. I have to take it back today :( Oh well.

I've been the only one driving it as well, because Mom ran away for the holidays. She went to spend a week or two with my brother Cliff. Both of them have to hit me with what a terrible person I am...all said via email of course. So I'm not missing Mom and have written my brother off my wedding invite list if I ever marry.

Anything to spoil the holidays for me...well, it won't work. I'm just not checking my email!

Hope everyone has a safe holiday.

Life Happens

2008-12-15T01:19:00.003-05:00

Long time no write, I know. I've been busy living life.

I've been working...and those duties have changed. The other woman in the nightshift pre-press department has transfered to Days. Which leaves me to take her place. Which is no big deal, but they are in no hurry to put a person in my position, so I have to do double duty a lot. With out a raise - because the company is under a hiring/wage freeze for the upcoming year because our economy sucks and we're trying to save money so we don't have to fire anyone. Although if certain persons don't shape up soon, they're going to find themselves without a job shortly.

There are a lot of nights I wait for Justin to get out of work so that we can hang out afterwards and so I can give him a ride home. He doesn't have a vehicle other than his bicyle right now, and I like to give him a ride home when I can. Which is often. His parents won't give him a ride to work, for some reason I don't understand. He could get a ride from his uncle, who works with us...but Jake won't do it on a regular basis without gas money even though it doesn't cost him any extra gas. Should Justin give him something for gas, yes. Should it be as strict of an issue as it is? I don't think so. His parents are obviously just as strict - heck we have to have their permission to go out on a date on our night off. Oookay ... we're both over 21 so I'm not sure what the issue is. Although they would very much like to have him move out. {which my mom says she'll think about letting him move in}

And so I've been very tired. I haven't gotten online much at all, not even to check email everyday like I used to [Sorry Jean-Luc].

But I've been happy. Well, happier than usual anyway :) And I think that's a very good thing.

Don't ever...

2008-11-06T16:15:00.000-05:00

Don't ever go back to work early from sick leave. It's not worth it. Not even on light duty. I've had to do other people's jobs and rearrange my schedule. It's all back to normal next week, but the point it - what would they have done if I had stayed off like I wanted to?!?! I only went back to be nice because they lost two people while I was gone...the new guy messed up his drug test and Christina either quit or was fired.

That's probably the best news I have right now. Apparently she was written up twice in one night and she didn't think she should have been b/c "Everybody does it" so she cleaned out her locker and told co-workers that she was quitting. So when she came back on her next night, she was told that she couldn't come back to work without talking to Brian first. She talked to Brian and tried to convince him that Tempy was singling her out, but it didn't convince him and she hasn't been back. I haven't checked her MySpace recently, maybe later....she likes to put up loaded Status messages...you know complaining about the bitches she works with etc...well, if I'm a bitch, it's b/c I learned her free lessons too well.

Justin and I are still an item. His parents don't like me though. I suppose that's not all that uncommon, but since they haven't taken the time to get to know me at all, their quick judgment kind of hurts.

It's so warm here is PA that there is a dandelion blossoming in our driveway!

Ok, I'm tired and still have to go into work tonight.

The Not-So-Exciting Times...

2008-10-23T00:43:00.002-04:00

Ok, not much is going on here. I'm almost back to my normal sleeping schedule...back to being a nightshifter. I still sleep a good bit, though I think I'm almost caught up. I still don't do a whole lot because those staples in my stomach are still there and it really kind of hurts to bump them.

The gang at work got me a card. I went in to pick up a school candy order tonight and picked it up. Almost everybody signed it...even a few of the characters on dayshift signed it! Awww...I feel loooooved! Well, sort of. LOL! Really, I thought it was nice of everyone. And BOO on those who didn't sign!

There is a good chance the one isn't there anymore! Christina was written up twice - one for looking at other people's time cards [hello - if she wasn't punching them in or out for lunch, she had no business looking at tehm!] and one for goofing off during the Daily. Uhm - nothing wrong with goofing off...you just don't make a habit of it during the Daily...especially when you have a dayshift supervisor on nightshift...especially one that doesn't get around good and mostly sits in the office to keep an eye on things!!! Duh! Well, she apparently was so pissed off about that - that she cleaned her locker out, and tore down her pictures [are we in highschool?] and told a couple co-workers that she was quitting. She has to talk to the Big Boss before she can come back. I wonder what the odds are that she'll manage to sweettalk herself back into her job? Make everyone else out to be the bad guy. Just like Paige, she's really good at that.

I can't even type right, probably those bummed up nerves in my hand. Darn it! It'd better not be permanent...it's my writing hand! All right, I'm done for now.

:)

Call me...Pin cushion

2008-10-17T23:34:00.002-04:00

Holy crap....it feels like someone has used my belly as a pin cushion! At least the painpills take away the most. I take it every four hours, and still it hurts a little if I move just right. try putting the cats out when it hurts to bend over! Mom and I had to do it last night b/c Liston was no help at all. He hasn't been all week.

Anyway, my surgery was just a couple of hours. They were able to take the gallbladder out laprascopically...I don't think I spelled that right, but I'm too tired to look up the proper spelling. I'm having enough trouble just spotting normal typos. So, I have 4 little incisions...three along the middle of my torsoe - a total of 9 little staples, and one at the bottom of my bellybutton which has probably about 8 or so regular stitches. I swear that's the one that bothers me the worst.

I've been sleeping a lot. I was up the most today, about 8 hours, before taking a nap. Most of it is just to hide from Buddy, even though he hasn't been too bad. The cat likes to sit in my lap which is ok if she doesn't lay against the belly. Which is what she likes to do. I was so sleepy after the surgery that the doctor had me stay overnight in the hospital, which was ok. I saw the doctor Friday morning, and he says I'm recovering fine...that he wishes all his patients that he operated on a Monday looked as good as I did on Friday. I don't know about that, but that was encouraging. He cleared me to drive again, but I think I'm going to wait a few days.

Our water has been fixed! Yay!!!!! A pipe down near the pump needed to be replaced b/c a hole had rusted through it. It's still muddy though, but that's ok - we have water pressure now! Double YAY!!!! Now we just need to get the furnace fixed...Liston's been too busy working [2 jobs...that take ALL his time?] and can't even buy the part. He already owes Mom money from the week of his driving classes that she took out, borrowed against herself and the morgage...I bet I'll be the one to make up the difference though. I've only got $24 left till next Friday b/c I just paid car/house insurance and food shoppped a little today [which is how I know I don't want to drive yet, boy was I cranky] so I hope that part isn't more than that.

Ok, I have to rest now.

ps ~ I haven't forgotten you Jean-Luc, honest.

6 hours

2008-10-13T00:50:00.002-04:00

Well, in 6 hours I must be reporting in to the hospital to have my gallbladder taken out. Since I've never had any kind of operation, I'm a little scared. A little nervous. But it's been aching enough that I just want it to be over and done again. Sigh. I ought to try to get some sleep. But in a minute or two.

I'll be off work at least 2 week...but since I can't lift anything heavier than a jug of milk for 3 weeks I'll probably just take the entire 3 weeks off. Which might be a very nice break! Christina has still been giving me attitude...why? Beats me...maybe because I still have a boyfriend?

Yep, Justin and I are still dating. We had our first argument the other day. Sadly we haven't had a chance to make up yet, but I know we will. Besides, we won't see each other this entire week - he might find out just howm uch he misses me! lol!! I can't drive for a week after this morning, and he doesn't have anything other than his bicycle right now so he can't come see me.

If I'm lucky, Brian and Tempy will have managed to come up with a good enough reason to fire Christina while I'm gone. You would think that sexually harassing the one supervisor would have been enough. The company I work for does not always make sense. Since they're all about saving money, you'd think they'd get rid of the person who continually runs employees away [on purpose!]....Go figure...

I guess. I ought to get a nap. Well, in a few days, I'll have a couple weeks to catch up with blogging.

is everybody?

Life

2008-09-13T16:07:00.003-04:00

Life has been happening recently. So much so that I just haven't had time to blog. Or answer long emails.

Justin and I have been spending a lot of time together in the month we've been dating. I guess we must like each other a little bit.

I have to have gallbladder surgery next month, the 13th. I'll probably spend time then catching up wth you all since I won't be able to even drive for the 1st week after the surgery.

NOOO!!!! I'll be housebound!!! HELP!!!!!!!!

Christina has been giving me attitude for about the past two weeks at work. No reason I can think of, except that I'm happy in life and excelling at work and is probably jealous. She so needs to grow up!!

alright, off to do something somewhere...

Calmer

2008-08-31T02:57:00.003-04:00

I'm a little calmer today. Not by much.

That asshole I was stupid enough to give my virginity to will not leave me alone. He's requested me as a friend on "Tagged"....yeah, ok, right....It's too little too late....far too late to try to be my friend.

Steven: GO AWAY!!!!

I have a new boyfriend. Justin's nicer, kinder, gentler....he's more fun to be with...treats me with respect. I fall a little more in love with him each day.

Ok, I'm going to bed. I fell at work tonight and am just a little achy in spots.

thin

2008-08-30T04:44:00.002-04:00

posts are going to be thin for a while....few and far between.

there's been lines drawn since I've gotten a boyfriend [he's for real too!] and so I will no longer be using the house computer. Don't want to run up the electric bill and stuff, especially since the computer belongs to Mother and Liston ~ even though I've been the one paying the internet. which I'll no longer be doing.

have to get to bed.

I have....

2008-08-20T03:28:00.001-04:00

I have a boyfriend.

Not sure how serious it is yet, but so far it's more real than the last one.

Want to hear more?

Once in a While

2008-08-12T01:05:00.000-04:00

Every once in a while, I almost think I have an interesting life. Not often, just once in a while.

Sunday morning, like, between 4 and 5 am, I get home from putting the Sunday paper together...I flip on the computer, you know, check email and log onto Yahoo Messenger so I can have my weekly chat with Jean-Luc and there was an Add Request...from my EX of all people! It's been almost 2 years since we've even talked...and I've only seen him in passing a handfull of times. Curious, I decide to add him just because I want to see what he wants. Turns out - he just wanted sex. {eyeball roll} Apparently his chicky that he left me for, left him! It couldn't have happened to a nicer fella. After laughing my ass of, I told him - no, I'm not that lonely. Ever!

This after Saturday night on the inserter, Justin yakking my ear off even though there was a coworker in between us. Justin said something to me, that just irritated me...I don't even remember what it was now, but it was after the wide-load conversation, so I know it wasn't that....but I said to the coworker inbetween us that I'd smack Justin but he'd probably like it...which is when coworker Steve [not to be confused with the Ex] 'yeah, I already think he's got a crush on you'...to which I reply, 'I've been wondering that myself..........Can you blaim him? I am kinda cute!' But that would explain why he so often puts his foot in his mouth around me.

Like the wide load comment. Months ago he said something as I passed by, then asked if I had heard him. I hadn't because my mind was somewhere else. He wasn't going to tell me, but I drug it out of him. He had made a comment about a 'wide load passing through' or something like that. I gave him a sound yelling at and if I could have gotten closer I'd have taken his head off. I know I'm a wide woman, but it's not like I need the reminder! And it didn't end there...just this past Saturday night, he was telling me how tempy had brought that comment up. ???? So, I yelled at him again [I really think he likes seeing me that animated] and asked tempy about it. Apparently she had been trying to get it through to him that sometimes he says stupid stuff...like that comment. I told her that I didn't think it had gotten through to him.

But I added him to my MySpace friends anyway.

Ah well, I've got to rescue my princess from her dungeon because she has a wedding to go to in a bit...and I'll have to come up with a name for her planet...do you have any idea how hard that is?!

That and brother and I are watching Star Trek First Contact so I'm distracted that way too.

Later! :)

Can Fish Drown?

2008-08-09T04:45:00.002-04:00

If a fish falls out of the water...does it drown on air? I don't know, but I do know that if the aquarium is too crowded...then the fish can drown right in the water. What do you think?

Believe it or not - but this question has spawned something of a war at work...and it's not pretty. Some people just have to be right no matter what the cost.

I found a neat website...it's full of quotes. Which is good because I was looking for my favorite by Emily Dickenson..."They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." I've already posted it on my MySpace blog, and I'll probably post more there since it's not my "real" blog --- shhhhhh --- don't tell!

Off for some sleep. :)

When did I say that?

2008-08-04T02:20:00.001-04:00

My sister-in-law Liz called last night and wanted someone to ride along with her to WalMart. Well, I was bored and like spending time with her once in a while. We talked about different family issues going on right now. From Liston's attraction, to Duane's possible upcoming leg amputation {Duane's her hubby}. Somewhere in there, our pasts came up. Before marrying my brother, she had a string of lovers...while I didn't even have sex until I was almost 30...at the heart of us, we're really not that different, though I don't know she'd ever see it. Anyway, she made a comment that sometimes she wished that she was more like me...so, dumb-ass that I am, I ask her exactly how she meant that. Her reply? "You've never wanted a steady relationship."

Whoa.........

When have I ever said that?!?!?!?!?!

I would LOVE to find a man who loves me...who wants to know the woman inside as much as much as he wants to fuck the outside woman...just because I haven't found that man, doesn't mean I don't want that relationship. I'm just not willing to lower certain standards. I am 32 years old, and I'm sorry I refuse to hitch up with the first man who sniffs around...and yes, if I get a hint that all he wants is sex, I'll drop him like a hotcake b/c I don't have time for games. Nor do I have the patience. I want someone who's going to be responsible. And I want someone who is willing to let me be the woman God created me to be. Of course, I know that I will have to give the same in return, and that I'll have to sacrifice my own desires once in a while. I'm not stupid. Niave maybe, but not stupid. While there are times when all I want is a really good roll in the hay...those times haven't always been at the same time that I've got some hound dog sniffing around and I've been safe from the bad decisions that I made with Steve...and I'm smart enough to know that it's God protection. I might not always like it at the time, but afterwards...I've been like..."Wow, I was that close to screwing up again, and God protected me. Even from myself!"

I am honest enough to admit that I'm pretty skittish right now about any guy...with one exception but he lives in England. Between the 50 year old from the 4th of July, and my own brother...I just feel like a piece of meat. I'm more than that. I'm a crazy zany woman with a love of books and chocolate who is just beginning to rediscover her writing voice. I like to sleep late when I can, and I like listening to the thunder in the distance [it's when it's directly overhead that I begin to not like it as much!]. And I'd really like to find a guy who wants to find that out. I'm also high-strung, spend a lot of time in the realm of make-believe {hello? I'm a writer!} and sometimes have trouble controlling my fiery temper - so my imaginary man is also going to have to be a little patient....and calm...and gentle.

Maybe that's my problem. I want too much.

Google Meme

2008-08-02T04:40:00.002-04:00

Mimi had a MeMe posted just the other day. I found her through Jean-Luc who did the meme as well...I didn't get tagged by him because he doesn't tag people, but I felt like doing it anyways. Because I'm bored I guess.

What you do, is "google" your name followed by the word needs and see what pops up. All I got for Ciera was a bunch of car stuff, nothing interesting. I'm not going to tag anyone, but feel free to go ahead and do it anyways.

Here's a few I got when I googled my real name. I'm placing my screen name in it's place though...just because I feel like it!

1. Ciera Needs Somebody to Love. {well - duh! I've been saying this for years!}
2. Ciera needs You! {Yes you! Now quit looking so surprised and get over here!}
3. Ciera needs a Band. {I do? Does that come with groupies?}
4. Ciera needs help with a little securities fraud. {sounds ugly}
5. Ciera needs your help. {See #2}
6. Ciera does not self-preserve. {that doesn't sound good!}
7. Gothic America - Ciera needs help gonig downhill. {All I need is a good push}
8. Ciera needs to get a job! {I like the one I have thank you very much!}
9. I have a baby Ciera! Need help? {not if you're the one with the baby..unless you're asking for my help....}
10. Ciera needs to go ride her bike. {if I had one, I think I would...though I would wait until daylight...}

Ah, that brightens my day already! Kind ofl ike this random picture off our computer. Enjoy!

Ciao!

:D

Mundane

2008-08-01T02:00:00.000-04:00

Well, that was actually a rather boring birthday. I slept most of it away, one of the curses/blessings of working nightshift I geuss. No cake, no cards, although I can't complain too much as there were a few well-wishers. Tempy sang to me half a dozen times, Creative Services put in a happy ad for me. I didn't explode, which is always a good thing! Caught myself wanting to cry too many times to count...that entire single and no kids thing still hurts.

But, I survived. That's what counts!

Work is same old drama. Rob was fired and so Christina is pouting. Tempy is the new supervisor, so I guess she's not going to be in the pressroom as much anymore. And actually, there's nothing much else interesting to tell there.

I guess I'm in a boring mundane stretch. Which is ok. Better than one crisis after another!

I have to go write a Zion post.

Want to hear something crazy? Sure you do, or you wouldn't be reading my blog in the first place. Anyway, I've been thinking alot on my new hero blog and I'm actually thinking there's something to it...like if I gave it a chance, it could mutate into an actual novel. Of course, there'd be a few changes, the mixed universe would be out {sorry Jean-Luc, I'd have to write you out for that} and I'd probably leave Earth out of it completely, though I'm not sure about that yet, but that's the direction I would be leaning if I were to do it. It's still in the concept phase, but even if I leave it as a blog, it's still a lot of fun to think on.

Ok, now I'm going to go work on my other post! :)

Post 365

2008-07-31T02:34:00.001-04:00

Post 365 is just to say - It's my birthday!

I'm not sure if I'm happy about it yet or not. I'll let you know later!

Updates

2008-07-28T02:09:00.004-04:00

Well....

Mom got rid of her catheter last week. Yay! She has to go back Tuesday for another check up though, and depending on how that goes, she might be going to see Cliff and fam sometime after that.

Liston is still in denial over - well, everything. He's even managed to loose his most recent job. No telling on what he plans on doing next.

I really am supporting 3 people on my paycheck...it really kind of sucks. Thank God for what Mom gets each month to meet her bankruptcy and mortgage payments.

Work is its ever interesting dramatic self. We might be without a nighttime supervisor - again. This is the second one, well third if you count Christina's attempt, in the 2 years that I've been there.

Paige, my so called best friend hasn't returned any of my emails in over a week. I know she just had a new grandbaby, but she could at least call. Especially since their car is still in my name and they still owe me money for the last payment. I've threatened to drop it from my insurance if it isn't taken care of soon.

I'm still depressed. I have my happy moments....but then life weighs me down. It's my birthday again this Thursday. 32. And the things that have changed since the depression started at 29: *I no longer go to that church, ok, I don't go anywhere right now; *I no longer have my own apartment and live back at home with Mom; *I no longer have the same friends, I don't think I have any 'close' friends left; *My car doesn't work right now and I can't afford to get it fixed as I wasn't allowed to spend my Economic Stimulus Check as I wanted. Everything else is still the same. I've just lost the will to live beyond the moment, and even that is a toleration of the burdens I bear. I no longer hope for a happy future, I just long for release.

What A Week

2008-07-14T02:50:00.000-04:00

Mom came home Friday afternoon...with a catheter still in her. Apparently, her arthritis medication has been causing her kidney's to swell and has been the source of her problems. Took them long enough to figure this out. I think they're also going to test her thyroid. That's a family problem, her sister has problems with her's and she said that sometimes that comes with urinary/bladder problems. I have no idea how long she'll need the catheter.

My brother who had the milktruck accident 6? years ago has broken his bad leg again...the leg never healed as strong as it should have, and he keeps breaking it near the knee. He's joked about just having them take it off, but I don't know whether that will be something that will happen or not.

My other brother admitted to me the night before Mom came home that the reason why he treats me like shit is because he's sexually attracted to me. ????????????? Somehow apparently it's my fault and so that justifies his treatment of me I guess. I have run the entire gamut of emotions over this...shock, disbelief, disgust, depression, anger...blah blah blah...I just don't know about this. Somethings a family just can't shake and apparently along with alcoholism, inapproriate sexual attractions is one of my family's...Oh joy...I encouraged him to get counseling, whether he will, I don't know. I think it would be best for him if he were to move out - after all he is 24, and since I'm the one that's been volunteered to be Mom's caretaker....although I have begun seriously to think about moving back out regardless...

Of course, if I do that...I'll be labeled as selfish and uncaring for my mother. I can almost bet on that. I might be wrong on that...I'd love to be wrong on that. But unfortunately, my family lives by that damned code of silence that goes with this kind of crap.

I almost had a date Sunday. Well, I did have a date, but I broke it. I met a guy that I thought I might like to get to know better, aside from being kind of cute, he did look like he might be a gently guy...so when he called and aasked if I wanted to go out, I said sure...and then the conversation got interesting. I was asked to spend the night, whether I wore pj's to bed and whether I liked to watch dirty movies or not. Huh? We're only going on a date...not getting married. Sheesh. I'll probably be accused by mutual friends that my standards are too high...but oh well - I'm just not that lonely yet!

I'll try to get back to my story and my alter ego soon...but my what a long week it's been...I'm going to bed...{by myself!}

No Time Now

2008-07-08T16:16:00.000-04:00

Mom is in the hospital again.

more later.

Happy Independence Day!

2008-07-04T19:02:00.002-04:00

I think that says it all. Happy 4th my fellow Americans!