Window Into My Reality

Such is life. Friends come and then they go. Like - - whatever. And yet, despite my advance maturity since a certain incident which shall remained unnamed....I have this overwhelming desire to scream "BITE ME" into the wind....and then drive off into the sunset laughing histerically like a madwoman {not to be confused with a woman who is mad}. on the brighter side of life, my car has been fixed. My muffler is so quiet, that I can sneak upon people now!!!! Mwuahahahahah! and the garage didn't take ALL my money. It left me with enough to by a smidgen of gas. and maybe creamer for my coffee. yes, it still hurts. it is never nice to be called a b*tch by the woman you were planning on being your matron of honor on that far away imaginary day when I marry some handsome gentlemen...but I am using humor to mask it. Strange. I have also deeply offended the man I had vaguelly considered walking me down the aisle on the asaid for imaginary day. Perhaps, since God has taken bo...

Nothing is going on today. We have a Halloween parade later, and the church may or may not have a float in it. We are having a party for the kids afterwards, and a table serving coffe and such to people as they pass by. I was asked to help with the kids party. hmm. And my bestest friend is having some sort of breakdown. And somehow...it's partially my fault. Riiight. No matter how badly behaved I've been, how much I've screwed up, it's not within my power to how she reacts to it. Perhaps I am the 'straw' that broke the camels back. I can't even apologize though, because she hasn't told me what I've done. I wonder what it was....when I challenged her newly changed opinions? dared to rebuke her for how she had handles something [she's a leader and leaders are touchy about that kind of stuff.] No doubt I was out of line. I could easily hurt myself somehow right now and blame everyone else..."so and so doesn't like me, doesn...

I know that I should be composing my next installment of the Princess thing, and I might later today. I don't really feel well right now. Blech. Can't stay at home in bed though, the world doesn't stop turning just because someone doesn't feel good, right? Whether it is emotional, or physical, and today it happens to be both. At least the only responsibilty that I have today is working at the library for an hour [whoop-tee-do] but an hour is better than nothing. I told Alfonse this morning that I was a screw up and he scolded me something fierce. "Just because you screw up, doesn't make you a screw up! I don't ever want to hear you say that again!" Ha! What could I really say to that? "Uhm, sure...ok boss...whatever you say." Intellectually I know that screwing up, failing, whatever you want to call it...doesn't make me a screw up or a failure or bad and evil. It's the head talking the heart around to believing that has al...

I believe the Old woman was encouraging the Princess to finish her lunch so that she could have dessert. So...the afternoon passed, and into evening. Supper was simple...leftovers. "I don't understand why I can't just stay here," the Princess said in quiet complaint. "Don't you want me here? Do you want to be alone? The Old Woman didn't answer the last question. She didn't answer the first question. Instead, she asked one. "Why did you leave the tower?" 'I wanted out," the Princess answered. "To see the mountains and the city up close. I was tired at looking in from the distance." "And how much of that are you doing here?" Silence. In fact, the Princess outright scowled at the Old Woman. "Well?" "Point taken," the Princess said rather grouchily. The Old Woman just laughed.

I think what I hate the most within the church, other than sin, is the holier-than-thou attitude that can creep into the leaders. They are anointed for their positions, but does that necessarily make them 'holier' and more godly than the rest? I have a problem with that concept. Are people dumb? Yep, like sheep. But you know what, I have been given the same holiness that is given to every believer when they accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I might be overly emotional...I might be decieved from time to time about things...and I might suffer from an overblown sense of pride and arrogance...but...I am still saved by grace. It is that grace that shines in the darkness and shows me where I am astray. Perhaps I have been too open and honest about it...perhaps I have been too transparent about my trials and difficulties...but I thought I was safe in the church to do that. I was wrong. Do not get me wrong, I in no way mean disrespect to my leaders...I love them and try ...

Sigh. I dunno about myself sometimes. Utenzi and Cliff - thanks for your encouraging comments on the earlier post. Rob - thank you for understanding. Captain - as always, my gratitude. Fluke - - - - - what can I say? There's nothing like being called silly by you of all people! AI feel sooo....chastised! And you're right...hunger distorts things. So does sleep deprivation. I lay awake and my mind won't shut down. Last night it was better. We had a string of special meetings at church this week and last night I did get prayer. I felt something change when the speaker prayed for me...and you'll all laugh when I say what I felt...I felt tired. Not a tormented tired, but a warm-I could-go-to-sleep-right-here-and-now-in-the Presence-of-God-and-not-think-twice-about-it. I haven't felt that in over a week. Which is actually kind of strange because generally when I fight depression I'm tired all the time and sleep and sleep and sleep. this time it 's awake awake aw...

The Princess... She spent the rest of the morning in silence. After the Old Woman's story, she was no longer happy that she had left the tower. Surely imprisonment was safer than life on the outside. At lunch, the Old Woman made up for the meager breakfast by sitting a plate full of steamy mashed potatoes slathered in gravy and roast beef in front of the younger woman. "You've been awful quiet," she said, thereby earning the "Stating the Obvious Award" for the year. "You thinking of going back?" The Princess nodded. "It's too late to go back..surely you know that." "All I have to do is walk up to the front gate and knock." "You could," agreed the Old Woman. "But don't you think you should at least make an attempt at tasting life before going back to that death?" She shrugged. "I'd forgotten why I went there in the first place until you told your story. Life can sometimes bite you in t...

Shelly - don't take any lessons from me! I'm not doing too well at the moment. I must confess - I'm battling depression right now. I'm angry and so I'm getting sarcastic which only ever gets me into deeper trouble with the people in my life. I mean, I shouldn't be depressed. the Bible says that God will meet all my needs...and yet I am facing going hungry in order to pay my bills...and yet my hours continue to go down at the library. the Bible says that I am loved...and the ones I counted as friends have decided that they don't and since they were ones who often conveyed the love of God to me...I doubt...not so much God's love but the calling that I thought was on my life. And if I've been wrong about that, then what else have I been wrong about? On the other hand, we have services at church tonight and maybe the speaker will say something extraordinary that will reaasure me...I am praying that there will be something...to either conform what I'v...

Life has a way of taking up your time so that you can't post on your blog. Has anyone else ever noticed that?!?!? LOL! It has been such a rough week. I wish people would grow up. I'll try to get the next installment of the princess out tomorrow night. We also just had like a week of miserable weather here too...Misty stuff that won't actually turn into a rainfall. Sigh. I'd really like a nap right about now too. Argh.

The rain continued into morning, and was still falling as the Princess ate a rather bland breakfast of oatmeal. "We've all been there, at some point in our lives," said the Old Woman once the Princess had eaten her last bite. "What do you mean?" she asked, sliding her bowl into the middle of the table. "I mean we've all been held prisoner. Maybe not all of us have been held in a fancy tower like you, but the heart of it is the same." The Old Woman sewed an item of dark cloth as she spoke. Her hands resembled the roots of a tree, mottled with age and knuckles swollen by years of hard work, but they held the sewing needle firmly and they moved with sure gracefullness at each stitch. The Princess watched the Old Woman's motions for several stitches before asking, "What's at the heart of it?" "Fear." The word had been spoken firmly, but without malice. Still it took the Princesses by surprise and she blinked 3 times in q...

Pt 3 - Encouter By nightfall, the princess really wanted to go home. It was getting cold, and she didn't have a cloak or a shawl. Her feet were hurting - this was the most walking she'd done in years and she hadn't thought to change her shoes before leaving the tower. And it had started to rain. With a sigh, the Princess took advantage of the rain and washed her bloody elbows as she walked, stumbled through the forest. In the distance, there was a light glowing in the growing darkness and she hoped it was a cottage or a cabin or something that would give her shelter. It was a small cabin, she saw. She knocked on the door, and waited in the pouring rain. It never occured to her to wonder what type of person might live here. Fortunately for her it was a little old woman [this time] who opened the door. "My goodness! Get in out of the rain girl!" the old woman exclaimed, pulling her inside. The princess' teeth was chattering too hard for her to answer rig...

Lions and tigers and bears - - - oh my!

The flight down the side of the tower seemed to take forever. The Princess was unused to such activity and was constantly banging her knees and her elbows. The drop between the end of the bedsheet and the tree was greater than she'd thought, and she almost climbed back up. But she didn't. She kicked herself away from the tower - she did that two more times before she let herself drop. It was only a couple of seconds, but the freefall felt wonderful to this sheltered Princess. Oh if she only had wings to fly, then none of this would have been a problem. Her arms snagged harshly against the branches and she knocked her knee again. No doubt she'd be wishing for bandaids by the time she got to the bottom of the tree. This part of the flight went smoothly as she could remember tree climbing from the days before the Tower. At the bottom of the tree, fastidious creature that she was, she brushed the bark off her dress and wondered why she hadn't changed into pants before cllim...

And not the movie either [though it's a good movie]. October Sky by: the one and only me The wind blows my hair as I look up It's chill reminding me that autumn is here Despite the sunshine that fills this October sky That makes the blue sky of summer seem pale The warmth of the sun is comforting As it reflects off the peaks of towering clouds Whose whiteness rests in stark contrast with the dark underneath Pushing my hair back I can only stand in awe And marvel at this beauty That stands apart from the rest of time In this moment I rest Thinking neither of yesterday nor of tomorrow Only of this eternal moment As for me, time stands still And to spoil it all for you - this was inspired by a sunshiney/cloudy day earlier this weak, before it actually turned to October....but I thought October Sky sounded better than a September sky. LOL.