Window Into My Reality

I should have known better. Really, I should have. I wrote a poem today, it's scheduled to be posted on my poetry site on the 15th. It was written inspired by a one-word prophetic word given to me by someone who was a friend at the time, and the memory that one-word word sparked. Good old Paigey. Our friendship did not end on good terms, though if she were honest, it was much needed and past due. We are both much healthier without each other. I was as much it the wrong when it came to the end...I was being a bitch...and so was she. She'll never admit it, she never could adit when she was wrong...unless you were someone important...but that is neither here nor there. I'm guessing that she's still as pissed at me as I am at here. I'll admit it. I can't think of her without still being angry. I know I should just let it go and forgive, so I don't become more bitter than I already am. Anyway, I sent this poem to her because I thought she'd appreciate knowng ...

I am so not happy right now. Months ago, almost a year ago, I let a couple of friends of mine put their car in my name. Title, Registration, and it's on my insurance. So at the end of each month, I have to get a check from them to cover their portion of the insurance. I was told on Monday that I could pick it up on Tuesday...but when I called Tuesday afternoon, I was told that the husband hadn't left the check. Pardon my language, but WTF???? I am at the mercy of other people right now, and don't know when I'll get back home since I'm spending today at Mom's since she needs her van today. The insurance withdrawal stands a good chance of bouncing now. I was a little immature and hung up the phone upon hearing this news, and there awaits me an email in my Inbox as I type this, which I will read before I publish this post. I mean, it's not like this is a surprise expense to them. It's the same amount at the same time of month. I shouldn't have to come b...

It has been a beautiful day. Mostly blue sky, with a few white clouds floating through. And warmer than yesterday, but not as sweltering as last week. I've been waiting by the phone all day because I'm playing "phone tag" with one of the people from the newspaper ... they want an interview!!! Yay! I have a busy week this week. Church meetings tonight, tomorrow night, Wednesday night, nothing Thursday that I know of...or Friday, but I work at the library on Friday. And I think also Saturday. Oh no, I forgot, Friday night is the Watch {our glorified prayer meeting}. My friend/former friend is still confusing me, even though we no longer talk. I heard her on the phone with another friend today and she sounded like the old her ... like the good old her. I can't go to her and ask for things to be worked out though...as I'm fairly certain that she told me to stay away from her family...so it would be up to her to approach me. I would love to win a vacation trip righ...

You know, this is really kind of strange...but for all the tears that I have shed in the past over the fear of this relationship ending...now that it has happened, I don't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I thought. Like...I honestly don't know what to think about this. I'm angry over her accusations, hurt that she doesn't believe me, still smarting from the yelling, but ... it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I'm trying to get a job as a newspaper reporter. I could do it, even though it hasn't always been my favorite form of writing. Everyone has to start somewhere. It is very hot here, with sever thunderstorms rolling through the area. I've seen some pretty awesome lighting; there was small hail as well. The wind whipped, and the rain was falling in curtains. And along the western horizon the sun was shining.

The On Again Off Again relationship is......Off Again. For good this time. I'm going to bet this is so, as she was screaming and swearing at me and pointing her finger in my face. I am a manipulative conniving bitch that can't be trusted...the voice of many witnesses testify to it...so they must be right. Reconsiliation will not happen without a mediator. Shoot me if I even mention it. {{{{author's note: this post has been republished and can now accept comments. it is Saturday as I fix this and feel a little better about the situation, though there is still numbness inside.}}}}

In short, the hurt behind the poem is that my friend whom I just made up with and reached a new understanding with...had decided to cut me off...this time for my good as she started to believe the lie that she is a bad influence on me. Well, I didn't take it very well, argued with her for most of Saturday about it, trying to get her to understand that I don't think she's a bad influence and that it's my opinion that counts. I am almost 30 years old, I don't need my pastors deciding who I can and can't be friends with. They are free to express their opinions and concerns, but ultimately the choice is mine. I'm not sure what exactly happened Friday night at the Watch, but it was the straw that broke the camels back for her. She and her husband decided that they will no longer be going to my church. A decision that at this time I wholeheartedly support----so long as she doesn't lock her door on me! I know things will change, but it doesn't have to be ...

Two things: My friend and I made up. I had forgotten just how badly she's been taking a lot of stuff at church...I mean, she does have reason to be suspicious and all as the church is blaming just about everything on her righ t now. She and I compared some notes and we've both been pretty low at the same time. She did read my emails, and so she took a little bit of time to let me in on some things I didn't know. I was wrong in some of the things I had said, but she didn't hold it against me. As I told England when talking to him about it...we've decided to trust each other again even though it really goes against reason in a lot of ways. Next. I'm thinking of making some changes to my blog. I read an article in a magazine that suggested I out right ask my readers for constructive criticism. So---what changes would you all suggest????

So. I haven't been to see my friend since Tuesday. I figured, ya know...who wants to be around someone who doesn't trust you...and who would want someone around that you didn't trust. Especially if you're going to the hospital because of chest pains. Which, Paigeylouwho was taken Wednesday to the hospital for. And then, the next day she emails me, telling me about what was going on and asking for prayer. So, I'm a little confused. I should have swallowed my hurt and pride then and went to see her instead of condemning myself for her anxiety attack. But...Getting ready to go to the Prayer Watch last night, our other friend that we share {Dinah}, told me how Paigeylouwho had emailed her to see if she'd seen me and did Dinah know if I was mad at her. Back up the banana boat!!! Why didn't she email me to find out what was going on??? Which is what I asked her this morning in an email. {we were ok at the Watch last night, but it's not exactly a pl...

I forgot to tell you all the results of my meeting last Friday with Pastors about the guy who wanted to "share his abundance". I got in trouble for 'jumping to conclusions', for not being 'nice' to a "brother in Christ". There were also thinly veiled accusations regarding my friend, which I was stupid enough to share with her, because she's the only one I've been to talk to about stuff...though it is no secret that Pastors are not her biggest fans right now. So now she's pointing the finger at me, and she's not appreciating my "What did I do?" response. I have to walk away. And she's going to think that it proves her right. What will she do when the gossip about her doesn't stop? Who will she blame then? Perhaps she ought to stop feeding the monster of gossip - maybe then it would stop biting her. But what do I know? I'm just the dumbass woman she's been mentoring for over two years. I get smacked down...

Well, my friend who admits that she feeds me bogus comments to see if I'll betray her to pastors is calling me a liar. Does anyone else see the irony in that? I thought we had everything ironed out - but perhaps that was another one of her lies. Life pretty much sucks right now. I myself don't think I've hurt her nearly as bad as she thinks I have...but then who am I to say. So - I'm taking myself out. I'm not going to her house, except to babysit her kids as I still owe her money [which she insists isn't part of the problem], I'm not ever going to visit my pastors again as they are just as manipulative, I'm not going to home group. I'm not sure what to do about our Tuesday night bible study we were just starting, or that stupid Friday night Watch. I'm not going to talk to anyone at church---just in and out on Sunday mornings. And if you're reading this "Paigeylouwho" ---- you can just bite me.