Window Into My Reality

A few weeks ago, Justin and I were given free tickets to a hockey game. It was very cool and fun, the first for either one of us. Here are some thoughts I 've had since then. The last church that I went to, the praise and worship leader was a good one for encouraging the congregation to get hyped up during worship by saying loosely - How many times do we hoot and holler and get excited for or favorite team, but we can't even raise our hands in worship? I've been guilty of saying the same thing. And I think it's time we rethink this idea. It is very easy to go to a sporting event and get swept up in the excitement of the game. The rest of the people know all the rules and what is going on, and that kind of true excitement is contagious. The same could be true of worship. This could be good or bad, depending. The hockey game that I went to was enjoyable. I had never been to a live sporting event before, so that right there was exciting. Neither Justin or I are very knowle...

Yes Jean-Luc, The Visitation is a favorite book of mine. While it is fiction and not Gospel...there's a lot of Gospel truth in the book. The scene: a hardware store, a few days after the angel sitings have started and the crucifix started weeping. The players: Travis Jordan and the owner, Matt Kiley. Matt was a Vietnam vet who came home paralyzed. Of course, people were urging him to go down to the Catholic church to touch the crucifix to be healed of his disability. Matt's a little disgruntled with it all. "Like all I have to do is look up at that crucifix and believe, and that'll do it." A little later on, he says to Trav - "Funny. I made some friends at the VA hospital, I've met some other folks in wheelchairs, and we got along fine. They never told me to go down and look at some crucifix or wash in some special kind of water or say some kind of magic prayer words. It's always the walkers who know what you need." Now - do not get me wrong. I b...

I'm presently reading The Visitation by Frank Peretti. Again. I've lost count of how many times I've read this book over the years since I bought it. Had to have been...yeah, not sure. It was released in 1999, but I know I didn't get it until it had been out a while. Overall I'm a fan of Peretti's writing...although there have been a couple I got so into that I couldn't go to sleep with the lights out afterwards! This one isn't one of those, although I'm definitely into the book. Each time I read it, I discover something new....understand bits and pieces better. I've been putting this reading off for a while. Can't really explain why. My eye had fallen on it a few times since unpacking my books at the beginning of June...but no, I had to read three other series first [for the curious: Firebird Trilogy, Prairie Winds Trilogy, Legends of the Guardian-King series] But when I was placing the last book on the shelf, I went ahead and grabbed Visi...

So...I've started going back to the church I left...there really is no place like home when you're hurting...and I asked Pastor Norm what I had to do to get my membership back...I sent an email in August I think, asking that it be withdrawn....and he said that he never did anything about it. So I'm still a member. Amazing man, I think. Simply amazing.

I do get busy sometimes. So, the new church. It's ok. Normally worship is done by CD's because of the infighting in the "worship team", although the first Sunday I was there, there was a band from Elim. They were ok, but they need to practice together more often and let the leader lead. I actually was a bad girl and didn't go today, and have been told that I missed a great service. Eh, you win some and you lose some. Work put me in charge again last night...this time for almost 4 hours. Very nerve wracking for a woman who has been told time and time again that she's a screw up and can't do anything right. Gerry seems to be happy though...and since he's the boss, his opinion is all that matters. I haven't even been there for the entire 90 probationary period though, which is a bit of a wonder to me. They put me in charge of people who've been there longer than I have. Just a bit nerve wracking ..... I have to go and buy a new box of hair color ...

After almost a year of indecisiveness over what to do about my church situation, I've made a decision and made it official. I don't go there any more. I sent my notice of membership withdrawal to the Pastors yesterday. I explained how I felt after 8 years it was time to move on, since he made a comment months ago about what we were doing there if we felt our destiny didn't rest with First Baptist. I've known for years that the end of my destiny didn't reside at FB, that it was just the start. So, what's a girl to do with a comment like that anyway? I probably won't get a response even though I asked for one. I feel kind of free. I will probably go to the new church starting down at Mt. Zion Retreat Center. Hope those people will love me more.

I hate to say this...but is it just me, or is there something wrong when you're talking to a friend and she says, "You know, the only time I hear happines out of you regarding your church is when you're talking about the dance group." She went on to say that my church frustrates her [she goes to a different one]. She related how she feels that church should be a place you feel safe at...which is when I told her she sounded like my boyfriend [minus the delightful English accent of course]. And then an hour later...my friend who was recently kicked out of my church...almost but not quite invited me to her new one. By that, she just let me know when it started in the morning. I have mixed feelings as this is the friend that told me she lied to me and didn't trust me and all that...so I don't know how we would get on being at the same church again. But at the same time...I do know the people she know calls pastor and know that they're good and godly people...

Two things: My friend and I made up. I had forgotten just how badly she's been taking a lot of stuff at church...I mean, she does have reason to be suspicious and all as the church is blaming just about everything on her righ t now. She and I compared some notes and we've both been pretty low at the same time. She did read my emails, and so she took a little bit of time to let me in on some things I didn't know. I was wrong in some of the things I had said, but she didn't hold it against me. As I told England when talking to him about it...we've decided to trust each other again even though it really goes against reason in a lot of ways. Next. I'm thinking of making some changes to my blog. I read an article in a magazine that suggested I out right ask my readers for constructive criticism. So---what changes would you all suggest????

I forgot to tell you all the results of my meeting last Friday with Pastors about the guy who wanted to "share his abundance". I got in trouble for 'jumping to conclusions', for not being 'nice' to a "brother in Christ". There were also thinly veiled accusations regarding my friend, which I was stupid enough to share with her, because she's the only one I've been to talk to about stuff...though it is no secret that Pastors are not her biggest fans right now. So now she's pointing the finger at me, and she's not appreciating my "What did I do?" response. I have to walk away. And she's going to think that it proves her right. What will she do when the gossip about her doesn't stop? Who will she blame then? Perhaps she ought to stop feeding the monster of gossip - maybe then it would stop biting her. But what do I know? I'm just the dumbass woman she's been mentoring for over two years. I get smacked down...

Ok...I don' t get this. My church has a simple rule about men ministering to women and vice versa...you know, praying for them, like, during an altar call...that is, it doesn't happen without a third person present. Simple right? Well, last Sunday I had a man approach me and said that he wanted to "share his abundance" with me. I had just about every warning flag that a woman has go up in an instant. First of all, this guy is kind of creepy. Second, when I told him that I wasn't comfortable with this happening away from other people [which he specified...it couldn't be done in front of people]...he argued it with me..."But God told me too." I was a bit rude...or blunt perhaps..."No, He didn't." Hello, it's against rules. Anyway, before it was over and done with, Pastor was involved...I know I didn't handle it right...I should have told Pastor then and there what was going on...but I didn't...I just told the guy that I had an...

But I forgot what it was...I do that sometimes...{{{grinning in chagrin}}} So - I found out something I did Tuesday night at the meeting that had my Pastor laughing...apparently it was so funny it will provide much laughter in the future for when he's down. I guess when I was called up for prayer...you know how the speaker is suppose to have your attention when that happens...well, I looked over at my group right before he got started, grinning like a fool, and the preacher moved my head with his hands to face him. I don't even remember what I was thinking when I looked over there...I must have heard their laughter or something [we were a very giggly group that night and by that time we were reaching bellylaughter]. It highly amused Pastor. What's even funnier, Pastor has a different interpretation of the look I gave than Mrs Pastor... I'm not going to be doing Kids Church anymore. the old teacher is going to come back and do it again [she had a baby]. I of course...

No really. So, ok. A group of us went to Aglow last night, a supposedly "Spirit-filled" women's meeting...only guys were invited this night. It was Pastor, Mrs. Pastor, my friend/mentor, Kimmie and me all in Pastors van. Hmm....what a combination. Lots of laughs there and back. At one point, Pastor was sharing how one of my emails had messed his computer up, don't know why -these computers here at the library are so protected from stuff, but anyway, he said that he thought it was one of the squirrel stories I had sent him [I write short stories with a squirrel in them just for his amusement]. So, conversation goes on, but I'm sitting here having a picture of my next squirrel story...one in which the squirrel gets in the house and messes up the computer. So I start giggling and my friend/mentor looks at me...so I tell her what I was thinking about...which sets her to laughing...and then I said, "I'm not right" And Pastor, overhearing, laughs a...

What was I thinking when I agreed to work Sunday nights? I was out of my mind. I shouldn't be here. It's just not right. I feel wrong. I am going to miss most of prayer meeting next Sunday night :-( and I HATE missing prayer meetings!!! May the Lord grant me the favor to back out of this easily. Here's a question I can never ask my Pastor. I mean - never . "Pastor, do you ever wish I'd just go away and become someone else's 'problem'?" I would sooo get the 'over the glasses' look. I know it's an insecurity issue...but that doesn't always make the feeling go away. I admit it...I sometimes get scared that I am going to mess up so bad that they would stop loving me, or that they would want me to go away. I once said as much to Chief...and I have totally screwed that relationship up. I can't even look him in the face right now cuz I"m so embarrassed [not that it matters cuz he's not looking at me either!] - ...

Yeah. I guess I'm hiding. I've started a new blog and am going to keep in a secret from my friends. Of course, I also have reason to believe that my old one was being used against me. I should be allowed to have one place where I can be comepletely transparent for a while...even if I get angry and vent...I mean, sometimes I need to here/see what I'm saying for the full impact of how wrong my attitude is to hit me. Did that make sense? It does to me. yeah, this is a public place, and I might watch my words a little more carefully. But I am stupid enough to feel safe here in bloggerland. I mean, my brother will get this new address because I know he cares for me and isn't too offended at the warped struggles of me his sister. And I don't think it bothers Fluke Stabucker and Cpt. Picard too much either, or any of the others that have left comments. Good Lord, I am sooo warped. On the bright side, that's truly nothing unusual in this day and age, even in the church....