Window Into My Reality

I think I can blog from my new iPhone. Well we'll see if this posts! Lol. I might have a character limit idk yet Life is ok at the moment. Work is work. When our trucks were both down my sister Sara started spending the might here...all week ...so that she can have a ride into work. It's not an ideal situation. She's my sister and I love her but these past few weeks have been interesting Gotta go

The price for having Thanksgiving day off at my job is: having to work the following Saturday. BOOOO!! At least we only worked 5.5 hours today. There is that much. Since we also have Monday off - we get an extra holiday a year and they give it to us on the first day of rifle hunting season, go fif. lol. But we'll probbly have to work next Saturday too because of that. Oh well, at least it'll look nice in the paycheck. Given the stress I was under today, tryig to catch all my product (damn knuckles anyway) and train my new hire...I am so ready not to go back on Tuesday. I wonder if Unemployment would except stress and insanity as a good reason to quit. Probably not. Of coure, when it rains it pours. Justin had pulled the engine in our blue dodge when the engine in our green dodge decides to go! So now he's trying to get the blue one back together so he can work on the green one. The green one was a gift from his parents, a truck he's wanted since a teen. Th...

Hope all of you who celebrate Thanksgiving is having a happy one! Justin and I will be going to his remaining a little later today. It is usually a nice experience. Missing family today. I remember several Thanksgiving meals growing up that were crowded. Junior and his fam would come, always Glenda. We have one picture of all ten of us kids gathered around our father. It is a treasured picture, as only one other picture like that exists. Have a good day everyone, I just don't have anything else to write at the moment.

Alone at last. My sister has been spending a few days with us because our truck has been down and since she rides to work with me, it's easier for her to catch a ride with my ride than finding one of her own. And I was having a rough evening last night, and just wanted to be alone...but since she is here I really couldn't. And when Justin came home and turned on his X-box, well that ruled out the bedroom anyway. But they are both gone ... he's gone up to the mountain to work on the truck, she's gone shopping with our mother. So I'm blogging and facebooking while doing laundry. I'm going to drag out the poem I started about my late brother and see if I can't get that posted later this weekend. Of course, I will grow tired of the aloneness eventually and wish them back. Unless they come back before I'm ready! lol! Have a good weekend everyone.

Actually, the reality of this mornings phone call has not set in yet. We've only had phone service back for a week, internet a little less. And what news and what comfort it brings at the same time. I received 2 phone calls early this morning. I should have been up and out of bed already, but since Justin was going to drive my sister and I into work, I was cheating and staying in bed a few extra minutes. It was my Mother telling me that my oldest brother had had a minor heart attack an was on his way into surgery for a blockage. I didn't think much of it, 'minor' heartattack...blockage...no big deal...they fix this stuff all the time...Uncle Bob had one and was ok. But maybe 5 minutes later, she called again...this time to say that he hadn't made it. The reality has not hit me yet. I feel the shock and the sorrow...but thre is a tiny corner of my mind that is protesting. This can't be real. Icky can't really be dead. (His name was Glen Richard but ...

I imagine that I can't say anything new about today's earthquake on the eastern seaboard. I actually thought I was having some sort of high blood sugar hallucination, but I took my sugar and it was that high! Honest, even though I'd had 2 donuts! I was just sitting in my kitchen, talking on my cellphone with my mom and I all of a sudden said to her, "Why is my trailer shaking?" Of course, being almost 150miles north of my she didn't have an answer! She didn't feel it. But I did! The trailer shook just like my washing machine was spinning out unbalanced...and I could see the walls and floor shaking! I made the mistake of standing up, and felt dizzy and unsteady, just like I was drunk...which I've only ever been once, which I'll never forget and will valiantly try to never repeat! But that's what it felt like to me!

Well, here we are. It's another Saturday, and I'm not getting to do what I want. All I really wanted to do for the past two weekends all I've wanted to do is veg out in front of our computer and work on my one story. But life has intervened and I've had to do other things. Last weekend...I got wrangled into cleaning and chores...lol! This weekend Justin and I ... ok, mostly Justin ... are at his parents to use their internet connection to figure out why the white Xbox is not playing the games that he moved there correctly. Something to do with the system settings no doubt. My birthday was ok, had a family reunion that day and everything was pleasant enough. I shaved my head about 3 weeks ago, and have been loving the lighter cooler head. OF course, a lot of people think I'm whacked...or that I look like a cancer patient. I think it is sad that I live in a society in which a woman can't get a buzz cut for comfort without people having to make commen...

Well, it is almost my birthday. 35 years on Sunday. Not sure how I feel about this. I know that it's just a number, but it's higher than it used to be! lol! Life has been eventful over the past two months. Justin's grandma decided that she had enough of fighting cancer and decided she wanted to come home to die. So that's what happened. She was home for a little over a week, we nursed her and made her as comfy as possible...and then she died. :( I know that she is with Jesus, but I miss her. My natural grandmothers died when I was young, I only have vague memories of my dad's mother...so Grandma Judi really was like a grammy to me. I'm glad that the animosity that was present when Justin and I first got together has disappeared, because I'd never have been able to get to know her at all otherwise. With Justin not having a job, and his unemployment being patchy at first, we fell way behind in rent and they wanted to evict us. Justin's parents ...

What a week I've had. I've been taking prednisone for over a week, just finished the last dose actually. And I've had trouble sleeping all week. 9, 10, 11 o'clock rolls around and I'm not tired...which isn't good when one must get up around 4AM! It was catching up to me today, and actually I just got up from a long afternoon nap...evening nap? So I'm not gonna want to sleep again tonight! lol! At least I don't have to work tomorrow! Of course, one night I was up late becuase of family drama. Mom lost her temper while trying to speak some truth to Liston's girlfriend Alysson...so I'm talking to both of them. Mom's upset because Alysson didn't want to hear it (which she's allowed) and Alysson was upset because Mom was yelling at her. Of course now, the entire trip that was in question has been cancelled because Liston and Alysson feel that Mom threw a fit...which since she lost her temper is essentially what she did. But sinc...

Well, we had a good Mother's Day. Liston and his girlfriend, me and Justin, our oldest half-sister Glenda, all took Mom to dinner at a local restaurant. Good food, good company. The only glitch in the day was that my sister Sara wasn't able to get her little boy alone for the day, the jerk of a father insisted that they stay at the exchange place. Which was just up the road from where we were all at. So when we were done, we all motored up there to see them. Well, ex-jerk didn't like that so he took their son and left. So I whipped out my camcorder and taped the leavetakings. Ex-jerk doesn't know that. But if she ever needs it to prove that her son would rather be with her, she'll have it. Talk about heartbreaking.

Well, that went well. Justin backed out on me at the last minute. So I went by myself. Yes, Jean-Luc, it is sad that it is needed. I never would have thought that I'd be in a domestically violent relationship. It's really rather depressing, although the underactive thyroid doesn't help with that at all. These are the scratches he gave me the other morning. He hasn't hit me. Yet. But if this continues, it's only a matter of time. I want to see him get the help he needs. In the mean time, I'm going to get the help I need. This is not the Justin I fell in love with. Even my best friend Tempy agrees that this isn't "our" Justin. We want him back. I want him back. :'( Of course, I also want to shake the shit out of him. But more violence isn't the answer.

Well, the best news is that Justin has a job! It's not exactly "new" job, he's gone back to work at the Daily as a pressman. Which unfortunately means that he's on nightshift while I'm on days ... part of me says, BOOOO!!! .... Part of me says, Thank you Jesus! It's a job, which means that there's going to be more money coming into the household again, and since they're paying him more than when he left, it's not that big of a paydrop...although they're not paying him what he's worth, but then they never do. We start couples counseling tomorrow night...if he doesn't back out. He's a stubborn proud man who wants to fix his own problems, but we've been living together for 2 years now and instead of his temper getting better, each episode - however sporadic - is getting worse. I can relate as I used to have a very bad temper myself, I was horrible. I realize that I've got a good 10 years on him, but I was around his ...

Well. Where to begin? I guess at the beginning. On March 23rd we had a snow storm here, and Justin and I were involved in a car accident on the way into work. We were ok, although the passenger of the other vehicle went to the hospital...a pain in her shoulder, though it might have just been an old injury that was aggravated. Anyway, our truck was stuck, the road ahead of us closed because of another accident so we didn't make it to work. Work wouldn't forgive the "point" for being absent and since Justin was maxed out on points, he lost his job. Things have not been easy. He hasn't found another job yet, though he hasn't been looking all that hard. We won't find out for a few more weeks whether he'll be approved for Unemployment...they have to figure out if it was a just firing or not. It wasn't, especially since it was a reportable accident. He wasn't told until the day AFTER that if he'd gone to the hospital to be checked out that...

Prayers for Japan. Such a huge quake at 8.9. I watched some videos online and can't get over the devestation, both from the quake and from the resulting tsunami. And to think that waves reached as far as California and Hawaii from it as well. Of course, my mind working as it does, wonders how this will effect the world economy as well. May it not be bad. Wherever you are Mariko, I hope you are safe. Mariko is a Japanese lady that I went to college with briefly back in '94. Sadly I lost track of her, but I think of her from time to time. She was so sweet and trying to teach me her language. So was Cynthia, a Puerto Rican. This is no doubt one factor of why I was dubbed the coolest white person on campus. May the aftershocks be small.

Our loss is heaven's gain. I lost my Uncle Eddie last weekend. He was my mother's older and only brother. His funeral was last night, and I learned so much about him that I wish I'd had more time to get to know him. He was the type of man that you had no doubts what he believed, because he lived them. He was a true man of God. He was loved by all, because he loved by all. I want to be more like him, because he was like Jesus. We got in about 11:30pm last night, the funeral was in Syracuse NY about 2 or 2 1/2 hours from here, and we were back up by 5am because we had to work. I couldn't get any time off from work, aside from being let out early, because he wasn't immediate enough family (uncles don't count!! wth?!) AND they had to have proof that I was there and where it was etc. I don't know if that is company policy or just my supervisor not believing me. Whatever. So we're dog tired right now. Gonna relax for a while/

Sigh. What a long week that was. I'm so beat. Of course, it doesn't help that I didn't sleep at all well last night and because Justin had to go to work, the alarm went off too early this morning and it took me forever to get back to sleep. Wednesday was the longest day because we had that storm and a lot of people called in. They made us work a full day anyway. We were in our easy grades almost all day, which equals slow and boring and cold. Packing meat is cold work anyway, but when you're not pulling that much a off the line, it really gets to you more. Mom had a macroplastique done yesterday at the hospital. The doctor injected chemicals around the top of her urethra in the hopes to puff it up to stop the constant leaking. She'll know probably by tomorrow whethe it worked or not, the nurse said she shouldn't be upset at any leaking still because she has to give those parts time to settle down from being poked. I hope it works because if it doesn't...

So far, this weekend is nicer than last. Justin might be playing his Xbox, but at least he's responding when I talk to him! That was getting so old! Boys and their toys! He's been much more attentive since our talk, though. Not sure if we're doing anything, as in going out. Tempy wasn't home when I tried visiting last night, so maybe I'll go tonight if she's home, maybe. Justin's talked about going to visit a second cousin of his, and I'm not sure if I want to go. I kind of just want to stay home. It's not as cold as it was, but it's still winter! I have to get back to writing my short story. Not sure why I hit slack time with that. Trying not to drag it out as long as The Wheel of Time series! lol! I've been rereading the first book of the series, The Eye of the World . Remembering why I liked it in the first place. Lord only knows if I'll make through the other bazillion books in the series, I think there's something li...

I's tired. Yes, I know that's not proper English. But that's ok. Cuz it's the truth! lol! I was so pampered at the Daily, and we've had such short weeks at Carill recently that I don't know what it's like to work an 8 hours day! We put one in yesterday though and another today. Don't know about tomorrow yet. Justin wants us to start working even longer hours. To make our paycheck bigger of course. So that we can #1 catch up on rent, and #2save money. We have a goal, $3-6,000 so that on the off chance that his Xbox buddy comes through with the job offer, we can take it and move! We'll see. I was going to type more, but I think I'll wait. I want to go to bed soon, and maybe have some more sweet dreams....like the one I had the other night about taking a trup to France!!! I was so excited! I was going to get to wander around Paris and see the Eiffel Tower! I wasn't one bit concerned about not knowing the language! I'm still am...

In my last post I made a comment about how big girls don't cry is a lie. I got in 'trouble' at the last church I attended because of how much I wept. I was labeled "emotional". I was, and I am...and to this day I don't understand why this is a bad thing. I can think and reason with the best of them. I'm intelligent and witty and curious. The fact that I allow myself to express my emotions in a place that I thought was 'safe' because the presence of God was there...is apparently erroneous. No one ever asked why I was crying. They all assumed that every time was the same, that I was depressed. I cried for a variety of reasons. I was sad. I was glad. I was overwhelmed by His love. But like I said, no one ever asked. Let's see. Jesus wept...It wasn't even His grief He was weeping about, it was compassion for Mary and Martha and their grief. The psalmists lamented...mixed right in with their praise and worship. No one ever considered that I migh...

Sometimes I wonder why Yahoo allows comments on their stories. I'm all for the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Speech, Press, Religion, and Expression. I think it's great. But reading comment on Yahoo stories makes me think that there are some people out there who just shouldn't be expressing themselves online. It makes America looks ignorant. Not stupid. Ignorant. There's a difference. Stupid can be fixed...a little teaching, a little guidance, a little enlightenment...voila! Ignorant doesn't want to be fixed. They're happy with their sick dumb-ass opinions. It amazes me how quick grown adults are to trash someone else, even if it's an innocent child. I remember one story a while back about a little girl who was being teased about liking Star Wars by the boys at school. Apparently these boys either liked her or had never been told that sci-fi is for girls too. It upset the girl to the point of tears when her mom asked why she wanted to change her Star Wars lunch...

I am barely out of bed this Saturday morning. Maybe, no not even an hour. I haven't made my coffee, or had breakfast, but I did take my medicine. Speaking of coffee...I paused long enough to start it brewing. It'll be eggs for breakfast, since I didn't pick up any oatmeal yesterday. Not likely I'll get any this pay period...maybe next week. Sigh. Should I...? Why not? I'm thinking of doing a Weekend Question, just like my blogger buddy Jean-Luc ...though I doubt mine will ever be as good as his. His this weekend is about books you don't finish. Since I don't recall any since high school, I'm not doing that one! Besides, that would be rude! So, I'm going to borrow Family Life Network's topic from earlier this week. Pet peeves! As I was listening to Sonny talk about pet peeves, his and the callers, I was stumped. I know that I have them, I just drew a blank that afternoon. One of mine, is when I'm driving along and the vehicles ahead of me...

Finally!! The weekend is here! I am so tired! And I didn't even work 40 hours this week...let;s see...6 on Monday, 7 on Tuesday, 4.5 on Wednesday, 7 on Thursday, 5.5 today{Friday}=30 hours. I left early on Monday for an 'interview' at Dupont, was late on Wednesday, left early today to take Mom to the Packer so she could be "pre-admitted" for her procedure in February. Still, 30 hours in that wretched cold place certainly feels like 40. And then some. Not to mention its COLD on the outside too! The bank temp said 11degrees F on my way home from Mom's. I have new bruises this week from the awkwardness of my work station. Which no one cares about. The Blue Hat, my immediate suprvisor, gave me another product to pull off...so if I have everything, I have the potential to have 8 different products to pull of the line. When I commented about how overwhelmed I was feeling, the answer I got, other than to come to work everyday, was, "If I can do it, I ...

Hoarding is usually bad. Stacks of newspapers piled high...too many salt and pepper shaker...a small path to the bathroom...but there is one thing that is worth hoarding for a while... Store receipts!!!!!! Case in point. We bought Justin's mother a giftcard for Christmas. Not just any gift card, but an X-Box Live Microsoft points card. 4000 points = $50. It doesn't work. The store won't do anything for us because we don't have the receipt, so we have to deal with Microsoft. Of the two, Microsoft has been a lot nicer to deal with. Argh!!!!

Seriously...President Obama and The Senate and Congress and all who make our laws...instead of making health insurance mandatory, how about making it #1- more affordable for all and #2 WORTH HAVING!! I now have a $2000+ emergency room bill because my unnamed health insurance deemed it 'non-life threatening' and won't pay any of it! Uhm, I almost passed out in my shower, my own doctor's office told me to go to the ER and I had no idea it was a simple reaction to the blood pressure medicine that I didn't need until I got there, and that's what the doctor decided was wrong. Oh, that and I'm diabetic---which, if any of those morons had actually been listening when I was giving my history they would have already known and they wouldn't have had to "diagnose" me as a diabetic. Uhm, my problem that day wasn't my sugar...it was the unneeded medicine...which we didn't know it was unneeded until I almost passed out. Almost passing out in the sho...

I thought about calling this through the Looking Glass, but I figure that's copywrited. I've spent the weekend trying to network and gather something of a following. I used to have one, I kind of miss it. Not so much as an ego thing, as feeling like I belong to a kind of inline family. Not like Facebook where I know 90% of my friends, maybe 95%. But strangers pulled together. I came to the conclusion today that blogging is like peeping through windows. Kinf of like a peeping tom, but with permission. Everytime we hit the "Publish Post" button, we give permission to total strangers to look into our lives, our thoughts, our feelings, our dreams, our hopes, our nightmares... It takes bravery I think. Especialy if you are brave enough not to censor yourself and write with total honesty. The scariest part of that, for me at least, it when I go back in time and look at some old posts and say, "What the heck? Was that really me that wrote that? I'm so not that perso...

Matthew 25: 14-30 (New King James Version) "For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents. And likewise he who had received two gained two more also. But he who had received one went and dug in the ground, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them. So he who had received five talents came and brought five other talents, saying, 'Lord, you delivered to me five talents; look, I have gained five more talents besides them.' His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of you...

Purpose. I've often wondered what my purpose in life is. Just the other day Justin and I were talking about his life, about how I would be devestated if he were to die. He is a daredevil, especially in a vehicle, and has probably cheated death more than I would care to listen to. He's almost given me a heart attack or two! In his defence, he is a young man with a need for speed. I just hope the cops catch him before the Grim Reaper does! Don't tell him I said that. He has often said, especially early in our relationship, that he would be surprised if he lived to see 25. Well, he turns 24 in March, so we're almost there. I was taken back a little by something he said. I had asked him a question, about wanting to live. And he replied, "What's the point?" This disturbed me more than a little, mostly because I didn't know how to explain my feelings on the matter so that he would understand. Verbally I'm not always very eloquent with my words...

"Unspoken Truth" is the latest Star Trek book I've read. It was one of the ones I got with my big book order from Amazon.com and it was one of the few that I had never read before. I'll be honest, over half the books I'd ordered I had previously read and then stupidly got rid of them for reasons I won't go into here. Anyway, I'm sad to say this, but I didn't really like the book that much. It picks up immediately after Star Trek 3 and deals with Saavik. The regular Trek characters, not counting Spock's parents, have cames...and some aren't seen at all. That's just a statement of the truth, I'm not saying it was a bad thing, but it wasn't exactly a good thing. For me, the plot was too slow moving and too bulky. There were a lot of not quite flashbacks that made it hard to follow. Not to mention that the author tended to write really long sentences. I'm talking...looooong. An entire paragraph that took up half the page wa...

Well, I guess. It's been over a week since my last post. Time to blog about something new. Only thing is, I'm not sure what to write! Not on this my diary blog that is. I've got everything else knocking around in there. Trying to get Zion's Children wrapped up so I cant get start on my next story, "First Best Destiny?" which will also be in my Conglomerate universe but with completely different characters. Well that's what I'm thinking at the moment. I might change that, but I doubt it. It wasn't going to be originally but I was freewriting some of it yesterday while I was waiting for Justin to get done with work and it just flowed into the story and I'm like, "Really?" I thought about it and decided to keep it that way. I've also got some poetry rattling around in there but I haven't gotten it finished yet. We called off work again today. I don't know why. Well, I don't know why he called off. I called off beca...

Happy New Year everyone!!! I have a good feeling about this year! Let's hope I can say that a year from now! Had a good night at mom's last night. Made two awesome kick ass pizza's from scratch. One was a pepperoni and the other was sausage bacon. The only thing I forgot to do was put the onions and peppers on the second pizza. Oh well, there's always next time! We had soda and sparkling grape juice to drink. We never did open the chips so we'll have them later this weekend. I've taken two pregnancy tests, not on the same day, and they've both come up negative. But I still don't have my period. I've never ever had it this late before. I'm trying to relax and not worry about it, honest. I'll wait until next Wednesday and try another test. It either reset itself when I had that wierd mid-cycle bleed, I'm pregnant and the hormone's just not high enough yet, or I've hit menopause! I'm way too young for that last one!...