Window Into My Reality

Why me? Somebody ~ please tell me "Why me?" I leave a friend's house last night and stop in to the Acorn because I'm thirsty and just want some water. An aquaintance I know through work stops me in the parking lot, won't let me by, and jumps down my throat for "telling on her" to her husband. WTF?!?!?! It took me a moment to remember the conversation ~ it happened Sunday afternoon and all I did was apologize to the man for the part I played one weekend when I picked her up and drove her around the corner to meet her boyfriend. I had no idea when I agreed to that, that they were still married and that I was helping them commit adultery, but by the time I found out, it was too late to back out. And I didn't tell her husband anything he didn't already know or suspect...like the fact that she is living with her boyfriend. I was so upset after this confrontation that I was shaking. I drove around a couple minutes, then decided it wouldn't...

I've decided to change the name of my blog. This is still My Secret Place, but this is in truth Diary of A Prodigal Saint, sooo......I've been running from God for over a year now, and when I fell down, and turned around to run home....I found God right there waiting with open arms....just like the prodigal son in the Bible. While it is not a pretty story...and I have failed my Savior many times...the story I present the world has been an honest story. And it is not done yet. So I shall continue to write of my life...the trials, the spiritual falls, the ups as well as the downs. I might bore you, I might amuse you....but I will always be me.

Isaiah 9:6 ~ For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Luke 2:9-11 ~ And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. In the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, may the True Reason for the season find a home in your heart, and may Jesus bring you great joy. Merry Christmas to all my blogger friends :)

I am SO bad! I found the Jerk online this afternoon, so I decided to talk to him...see how him and the little woman are doing..,actually ended up talking to here as well...he hasn't found a job yet, but she has...a nice little tidbit I plan on passing on to people at work...especially since she's working at a bar and I work with alcoholics...she's also four weeks pregant...and they're not sure who the father is!!!!! It could be Steve...but it could be her other boyfriend as well. As much as this news hurt....it also amused the crap out of me....I told him that she would cheat on him, but did the cheating asshole listen???? NOOOOO...of course not....And bad bad bad girl that I am...I told them at the end, that my period was late and Steve was the last one I had sex with. I am so sick and twisted...but I enjoyed every minute of that!!!!!! Afterwards, I turned to my Mom...who's laughing at my antics towards the screen..."So you don't worry Mom, I'm on...

Life...SUCKS! Want to know how I know? Because this morning...I dropped a carton of 15 eggs on the floor...broke every single one of them. What a mess. Ew.

A holiday "get to know you". I thought it'd make a great 202nd post. Thanks for tagging me Daydreamer. 1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? BOTH, BUT I'D DRINK THE EGGNOG FIRST... 2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? DEPENDS ON HIS MOOD THAT NIGHT 3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? COLORED 4. Do you hang mistletoe? NO, WHY WOULD I WANT TO HANG MISTLE BY HER TOES? SHE'S DONE NOTHING TO ME. NOW.....I CAN THINK OF A COUPLE OTHER PEOPLE I WOULDN'T MIND HANGNING BY THEIR TOES.......... 5. When do you put your decorations up? WHEN THE MOOD STRIKES...USUALLY ABOUT A WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS... 6. What is your favorite holiday dish? UHM.....I HAVE TO PICK JUST ONE? LOL! 7. Favorite holiday memory as a child? FOR SOME REASON....THE YEAR DAD CALLED SANTA ON THE PHONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE BECAUSE US KIDS WEREN'T BEHAVING.... 8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? AT THE LUNCH TABLE IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHEN JENNIE BROWN ANNOUNCED TH...

new post at this spot

I had a flat tire this week. Ticked me right off. I felt it shortly before I got home, so I limped my car home. Which is probably good because that afternoon when I went to change it...it wouldn't come off!!! Yes, I had the car jacked up! :P I had friends come help...it was thuroughly kicked and hammered. To no avail. So my friend Diana took me to work, Mom and Liston brought down her van for me to use in the morning...and Liston went to look at the car for me. Can you believe that stinker managed to get the tire off and the donut on? So, I drove to Mom's after work...Liston drove me home...I stayed up until the garages opened. I drove around town on a FLAT DONUT trying to find a garage that would help me. The first one was closed...the second one turned me away because he was 'too busy' to deal with me...the third one couldn't help, but he called around to see if he could find a tire for me...sent to the fourth one only to find out that they couldn't...

Daydream Believer asked where I was..... I be working! I worked six days straight after coming home from Thanksgiving...and have had only one day off...I think I may have slept most of it...I know I slept most of Sunday, though I was a very good girl and went to church that morning. I guess I'm ok. I mean, I haven't been picked up for double homicide...LOL! It's been getting a little easier. Since my doctor put me on medication for anxiety [remember all that trouble I was having with my breathing???? Nerves!!!] I decided maybe I ought to go back to my counsleor...the one who got me through the emotional crash of '94 after high school and some other things...and we were talking during out first session...and I don't know what I said, but he sits up all of a sudden like and says, "I don't think depression is the right diagnosis...I don't know why I didn't see this before...I think you're bipolar..." He actually apologized for misdiagnos...

I just had an argument with my brother..about how people grieve. We were watching this stupid chick flick...and this one lady was burning clothing on her hubands grave...her way of closure...and he thought it was stupid and since my wound is still fresh and raw...I might have went off on him....I mean, everyone grieves differently...who he is to declare that one's way is "stupid"...I asked him if he's ever lost a spouse...to which he replied, "Have you?" Silence...he says, "I've broken up with people before...and I've had people break up with me before...get over it." So I asked him if he had ever had any one cheat on him, right in front of him. There was some swearing involved. NO ONE has the right to say "Just get over it to me. No Steven and I weren't married, and we weren't togther for a very long time. But ---- I'm ashamed to say this --- we did have sex. Sex creates that bond, whether Steve ever wanted to admit...

He was not faithful for even a month. On the brighter side of life...I am off for a four day break from work to spend the holidays with family. I hope he chokes on a turkey bone. Her too. Lazy slut.

No offense to my male readers...but...men are idiots. At least this ex-boyfriend of mine is. Before I realized that he left me for the other woman...I had asked him to move a bed with his dump truck for my Mom. I almost told him to forget about it...but the jerk owed me money. The idiot brought HER with him...even though I asked him not to...because he 'wanted to'...that was really mean of him. Actually ---- to both of us. Jerk. {{{refraining from using any "french"}}} But at least it's over and done with. Maybe now I'll quit throwing up. Please God...let the heaving stop.

Ashley is ok. Learned after I shut the computer down that her temp had returned to normal and that they sent her home with Mom and Dad. Whew! Not a clue what caused it...and to be honest the doctor was not as concerned as the kids thought he should be. A 4 year old doesn't go unresponsive just for shits and giggles. My mom [great-grandma] said that when she left the hospital that Ashely was sitting in her dad's lap and wanting to go home, but still wasn't herself. So the little girl still needs some prayer.

when is too much...too much Lord? please pray - my great niece Ashley was just taken to the ER - 4 years old, unresponsive, body temp 94*. One day last week, her temp was 104* but the doctor's gave her medicine to bring it down. Don't know if this is an adverse reaction to that, or something bigger. Today I was told that my breathing problems are actually 'nerve' problems and I was put on medicine for it. Now...one more thing to worry about. "Hear my cry O God...attend unto my prayers...when my heart is overwhelmed...lead me to the Rock that is higher than I..." Jesus.

I am such a fool. I found out the real reason why I got the "someday" speech from Boyfriend. It was effectively dumping me so that he could hook up with the other girl. I so wanted to believe him when he said there was nothing going on, that he didn't want her. I didn't stop to think that he was protesting too much. Another day older and wiser I guess. What a high price I've paid though. Good thing that God is in the practice of healing broken hearts...mine hurts a lot right now.

Instead of two by two! I had my mother howling with laughter this afternoon. After the noon news, the soaps started coming on and I made the comment: "Well, the soaps are coming on now...I guess I 'll go take my shower...see you at four." She laughed and said that it would be an awful long shower {she knows I don't like the soaps}. My reply was, "Yeah, well...I plan on shaving my hairs one by one." She howled!!! It was a fun moment. In other news: I lost being voted Employee of the Month by ONE vote!!!! Jery said that he was not happy about that and let the other manager type people know it at the meeting to decide to do these things. Sigh. Kind of nice to know that I lost by so little and that my boss didn't like it! Haven't seen the Boyfriend yet, or talked to him. But his Mom said that he tried calling me the other night...and I wasn't there...good!!! Now he might know how I feel!!! LOL!!!

For every person I find online that somehow encourages me......I think there are at least ten idiots out there who hit on me even though I say "NO - I ain't looking right now for anything other than friendship." FRUITCAKES!!!!!!!! Honestly, what man in their right mind would want a woman who is in love with someone else? FRUITCAKES!!!!!!!!

I have been encouraged. By a total stranger at that ... someone I will probably never meet this side of heaven... I've been down a lot lately ... and lonely ... so I've started going into the BigChurch chatrooms in the mornings after work ... just looking to talk with other Christians ... and this morning, feeling quite bleak ... it happened to be just me and Queen900 in this particular room ... we talked about the boyfriend issue a little ... she reminded me that he's going through a hard time right now, and needs me and my prayers ... even though I can't be with him right now, I can still prayer for him ...and we talked about my job situation a good bit ... she encouraged me not to quit my nighttime job ... to keep at it ... no matter what Biggest Bitch throws at me ... that if I don't let her get to me ... then eventually she'll grow tired ... and ... they are training me to be a supervisor ... so it might be worth hanging onto ... going to give it some more ...

Sort of. Once again I walk into work. Nothing unusual about that...do it all the time. Not feeling good, so I'm not my chipper self. Not expecting to see Boyfriend as it is his night off. Wondering if the new schedule has been made up yet. I put my lunch in the fridge...call Boyfriend from breakroom phone, but he's not home...go to put my things in my locker in the girls bathroom...the new schedule has been made up...I know this because Biggest Bitch has left her copy right on the bench for all to see....Boyfriend is NOT on it...!!! Of course I am concerned....not surprised as he has been looking for a new job for a while now...but I don't know what has happened....I call again on break, but he's still not home...probably working with his cousin as much as possible since that is his only employment right now...and I know he was planning on going to visit his daughter in Jersey after the weekend for Halloween...don't know if he's still going. I find out from Litt...

But boy am I confused! I walk into work tonight...not knowing what to expect from that man of mine...cuz he said we were gonna be different at work...you know, to make it easier that we can't be together right now. He was a little "off" cuz he's got two toothaches, but he was still teasing and flirting...!!!!! WTF?!?! Ticked me right off...and he knew it, even if he didn't understand why at first { I clued him in later}. Turns out.....he's confused about us too right now. Partly my fault, cuz I've sent some emails to him. I don't like that he's let the gossip of others interfere with our life outside of work...and maybe I've gotten that through his head. Maybe! I also don't like that he's shoving me to the side just because he's having money issues...well, hello?! Me too!! Makes me feel more like a toy he can pick up and set down....grrrr......But I haven't had a chance to talk to him about that yet...something I don't want ...

lI know that this is the depression and despair taking...that things are not really as bad as they feel right now...but I really think that whoever coined the saying... 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved ...really didn't have a clue what they were talking about. I want to scream right now----but I'd wake my Mom up and she'd kill me. I feel like I'm suffocating as well......

They won. He broke up with me. Latest gossip had us having sex in the company van. Our jobs are threatened because of this. Where is Gil Grissom and the CSI crew when ya really need them?!?!?! Bitches.

I am so tired...between working and my Aunt Bertha's funeral, I haven't had much sleep...but keep on pegging away as I don't have to work tonight. I probably didn't have to go in last night, cuz of the funeral, but I guess I am a glutton for punishment. Aunt Bertha was just 92 when she died...when our Lord and Savior called her home...lucky woman!! I'm thinking of quitting my job. I've just picked up a 'part-time' home health aide job...and almost think that if I didn't have the newspaper job that it could become full time. It was solve a lot of problems at work...and me being the one to quit instead of Boyfriend would shock everyone...no doubt set those wicked tounges to wagging even more about our relationship...I just want them to leave us alone. Jerry says that the girls are jealous, cuz they can't keep a man of their own. It so ticks me off. Not making any decisions today as I am really tired and no doubt not thinking 100% --- although I can...

Things are a little better. I still have not heard back from the housing authorities. Whatever. My key still works in the lock and there has been no one to escort me out, so I guess we're still good. I've gotten a chance to talk with my boyfriend, and things are a little better there. Like Cliff said, guys are dumb. :) He didn't know how much it was bothering me...mostly because he was so pissed at me that he never read the note that I gave him. Grrrr.... I've had to write him a second one telling him how much I've been missing him and how much I adore him. I even drew hearts on it. Sap aren't I? He's been working two jobs, trying to catch up on his truck payment, so I don't get to see a whole lot of him. Without his dumptruck, he doesn't have an excavating company. Without that company, he's never going to feel secure enough to have a 'serious' relationship. And everytime I pray about it, God replies with "All in good time". V...

I submitted a payment plan to the Housing Authority, to see if I can't stay where I am at...but I have yet to hear back from them. It's hard to believe that rumors are just rumors when the Boyfriend lets the other woman flirt with him in front of me. And it's all at work, so it's not like I can just take her out back and beat the crap out of her. Maybe he honestly doesn't realize how it looks to me...willing to give him the benefit of the doubt...cuz I 'm a fool most likely! :) At least I'm a cute one! Does he know how much it hurts me to see him joking around with her? Hello?! I'm the girlfriend...and since he's busy right now helping his cousin build onto his house, I think I deserve just a little bit of attention when we're all at work together. Like, HE needs to tell her her to back off and walk in the opposite direction when I'm trying to get him in a corner alone for a few minutes on our break time...although if she has any brains at al...

Just when I thought life couldn't get any worse...it does. It's not bad enough that I have to have another PAP smear just 6 months after the last one, which they do when somethings not quite right with the one you just had...it's not bad enough that there's a nasty rumor going around at work that my new boyfriend is already cheating on me...it's not bad enough that my car needs inspection next month and I know it needs stuff...it's not bad enough that my body hurts, finger joints hurt, my hip hurts...it's not bad enough that I've been having trouble breathing for a month..........I know it's not bad enough because I just got served with an eviction notice today. I knew I was behind in rent, but I didn't realize I was that behind! I need $408 by the end of the month to stop it, or it's 'Pack your bags, babe"...I wonder if God would give me a miracle I don't deserve? Please, all of you who pray, please pray for me.

There are 2 things you should never be when going shopping: hungry or depressed. And God have mercy on your checking account if you happen to be hungry and depressed while shopping. At least I didn't buy the shoes. Oh, but how I still want to. $30 ankle boots...black...with a modest heel...very hot shoes...I can almost hear them calling me from Kmart...AHHHH!!!!! LOL!

I am a little tired right now...and I shouldn't be since I had last night and tonight off. But I was woken from a sound sleep at about 10 this morning...scared the crap right out of me. The tub people were back...they've been putting in a shower surround in my tub...and they came to see if it was all done, like a dotting of the I's type thing...I was listening to them while they were in my bathroom, giggling at the comments about there being paint slopped around, thinking "well, at least I don't have to complain about that." !! But that means that they have to come back...unno, cuz they have to clean up the painter's mess he left behind [totally ticked me off that he was so sloppy] Bored too. But then that happens. The Tuesday night kids thing is going ok at the new church. Still a bit disorganized which causes no small amount of stress in me. I'm not good at "flying by the seat of the pants" when it comes to this, though I'm not high ...

I do get busy sometimes. So, the new church. It's ok. Normally worship is done by CD's because of the infighting in the "worship team", although the first Sunday I was there, there was a band from Elim. They were ok, but they need to practice together more often and let the leader lead. I actually was a bad girl and didn't go today, and have been told that I missed a great service. Eh, you win some and you lose some. Work put me in charge again last night...this time for almost 4 hours. Very nerve wracking for a woman who has been told time and time again that she's a screw up and can't do anything right. Gerry seems to be happy though...and since he's the boss, his opinion is all that matters. I haven't even been there for the entire 90 probationary period though, which is a bit of a wonder to me. They put me in charge of people who've been there longer than I have. Just a bit nerve wracking ..... I have to go and buy a new box of hair color ...

After almost a year of indecisiveness over what to do about my church situation, I've made a decision and made it official. I don't go there any more. I sent my notice of membership withdrawal to the Pastors yesterday. I explained how I felt after 8 years it was time to move on, since he made a comment months ago about what we were doing there if we felt our destiny didn't rest with First Baptist. I've known for years that the end of my destiny didn't reside at FB, that it was just the start. So, what's a girl to do with a comment like that anyway? I probably won't get a response even though I asked for one. I feel kind of free. I will probably go to the new church starting down at Mt. Zion Retreat Center. Hope those people will love me more.

The Boss made a comment last night about being interested in seeing my blogsites. *gulp* Yikes ! I think. Because I really kind of complain below about some of my co-workers, that one especially that likes to slack off when the boss isn't looking. But then again...he was picking on her last night for not doing her job. ?????? "Sure, you'll tidy up the office but you won't clean out on the floor" ?????? I didn't give him any of my sites last night. A little worried if I do. Would he use my bitching against me? Not promote me along and all that? I'd hate to have to start censoring myself. This is my place to vent without ticking people I know off, you know? grrrrrrrrr .....I don't know what to do. ~~~~~~ Different subject. I got a bad sunburn last Sunday. the trip to my brother's is like, 3 hours, and my arm was hanging out the car window for all of it. Didn't think nothing of it at the time. It hurt for days but now has moved on t...

Actually...I already knew this, but took the test anyway...nice to know I know myself pretty well...!!!....LOL! The Five Love Languages My primary love language is probably Physical Touch with a secondary love language being Quality Time . Complete set of results Physical Touch: 12 Quality Time: 9 Words of Affirmation: 6 Acts of Service: 3 Receiving Gifts: 0 Information Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Take the quiz

Would y'all like to know what my brother Cliff and his wife did for me for my birthday?????????? They took me to Six Flags Darien Lake for the Kingdom Bound Festival!!!!!!!!!!!! The group in concert that night was Mercy Me . Very awesome. And they let me bring Boyfriend along. That was fun !!!! He rode a roller coaster with me, and didn't pick on me too bad when I could barely walk afterwards because I was so dizzy!! It was a fun day, well worth the wait. Thanks Cliff :) {{isn't he the greatest brother????--------well...... sometimes ....LOL!!!!!!!!!}}

What do you do when the Supervisors have a favorite? And she slacks off only when the Big Boss isn't looking...and the Little Boss lets her get away with it the rest of the time? But then we're accused of 'beating her up'....not literally. I realize that the LIttle Boss is new at being a supervisor, and who am I to tell him how to do his job when I've never been in charge of anything myself [except for one or two prayer meetings]. But still, there are a few things that are just common sense.... like, no matter how ticked you are at my boyfriend because he's ticked at the Slacker, pay a little attention to me when I've just received 2nd degree burns...just a couple small ones on my fingers...blistered right up...ew...I was in pain for the rest of the night...and still had to stay until 6AM...while Slacker got to go home early....ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Like, don't tell Slacker what has been said about her. That just adds fuel to the fire, ya know? Gives h...

My Mom was sighing a big sigh of relief that I was finally out of her!!!! LOL!!! Happy Birthday to me!!! :)

Can newspaper people "go postal"? After the other night, I almost think so. We had another employee just clock out and walk off ~ ~ either she "wasn't feeling good" or someone pissed her off. We were already short before she left!!! The other guy that was working was getting a little short tempered with her ~ ~ not sure if she is really as dense as she seems to be or if it is all just an act. She "gets it" as long as the boss is standing nearby to see her. Very frustrating. Supervisor tried calling my Boyfriend in, but the line was busy so he called Chris, the nicest bitch I've ever worked with. Which is ok, because she's a very good worker. Needs to work on her attitude a little bit, but don't we all? But Gloria will probably get away with walking away like the other girl did. Especially if she tries saying Jim was "mean" to her. Puh-leeeeeze!!! And then one of the carriers who also takes postal bags....got pissed becau...

Hi Guys. I don't know if I'm "back" yet, but thought I'd put up a quick post since I have tonight off. We've just switched to 4 ten hour days a week, so once I get adjusted to that, I might have more time to blog again. The biggest reason for my break is that I was trying to decide between two different men. I have broken up with England, though we've agreed to remain friends and leave comments on each others blogs and the like. I'm now going out with a guy at work. I probably won't talk about him much here since I do not want to be insensitive to England. :) Last night was wretched at work...we had one person not show up, another one left in the middle of the shift...without permission or the supervisor's knowledge even...she didn't pull her own weight anyways, so I wonder if it was that big of a loss? The man that was to run the press didn't show up. Then the pressman that was called in to take his place left before he should h...

Hey gang! I'm going to be absent from the blogworld for a while. This goes for all my sites {sorry Bob fans} I just need some time away. If you want to know what I'm up to, email me. {shrug}

What this photo says: No matter where you are planted, you can bloom...sometimes in the midst of an amazing amount of adversity. That despite all the odds, you can persevere. What this photo doesn't tell you: This bulb was dormant for 10 years, having missed being uprooted with the rest of the bulbs when the garden was pulled out for a new trailer to be put in. Ten years of waiting for the soil to erode and be thin enough for it to poke it's head out once again into the sunlight. And the a dversity due to man's neglect. If man had paid more attention to this plant, and the weeds removed, how much more beautiful could this flower have been? Less raged looking? How much more beautiful is the tattered flower because of the adversity it had to endure though? And on the flip side...without man's neglect, the daffodil would never have been able to bloom because other flowers would have been planted on top of it. So...does that mean that God can use even man's neglect to H...

This is the suit I will be wearing Tuesday morning for my latest interview...this one for the reporter trainee postition...!!!!!! Is that exciting or what?!?! This particular picture was taken Easter Sunday, in the "big hole" of the stream that runs near my Mom's house. It's not too bad of a picture. The camera should have been closer to me, or me to it, but it's still a good pic. Live and learn, in photography as in all other aspects of life. All who pray, please keep me and my interview in mind. I'm a good bit nervous, as my self-confidence is still shot from some of the recent things that have occured at church...all my friends seem to think I'll get the job though. I'll be tired that morning as I will have worked the night before in the mailroom...although, it could also be called the "male"room as mostly guys work there. It's been...interesting...!!! One thing I don't like about working nights is that I miss picnics and parties.....

I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time. Herbert Bayard Swope (1882 - 1958) I forget exactly where I found this quote. I think it was something Snedeker had put up with the the weather forecast on the WNEP website...he does stuff like that. You get very tired trying to please everybody all the time. Your head begins hurting, and Tylenol won't help it go away. You start losing sleep. You're appetite changes. And everything starts falling apart. Your friends stop wanting you to hang around, then deny ever saying such. Your pastors won't talk to you. You vent on your blog and pray that no one from church has the website because you worry that it would be taken to pastors...even though you're not saying anything wrong, you're just venting, but you know that if the right people got a hold of it, that they would turn it into something else and twist it. I give up trying to do this...

Mimi says she "sort of' tagged me with the "I" Tag. So, here we go...boldy going where no man has gone before...oh wait, wrong series....never mind... I AM: a daughter, a sister, a friend, a girlfriend, a writer, a poet, a princess in disguise, a worker, a librarian, a tenant. I WANT: more out of life that what I'm getting. I want to be able to be able to pay my rent all at once and still have money to save for a trip. I WISH: A publisher will fall madly in love with my manuscript....and that life were less complicated...and that my boyfriend and I were on the same land mass... I HATE: not being on the same land mass as my boyfriend, not knowing who I can trust around me. I LOVE: Some people more than others. I MISS: doing kids church on Wednesday night. I FEAR: failure. I HEAR: The quiet buzzing of the computers, Alfonse whistling and his chair squeaking out at the main desk, traffic on Main Street. I WONDER: too much to write here...as I wonder a lot...sometim...

I hate to say this...but is it just me, or is there something wrong when you're talking to a friend and she says, "You know, the only time I hear happines out of you regarding your church is when you're talking about the dance group." She went on to say that my church frustrates her [she goes to a different one]. She related how she feels that church should be a place you feel safe at...which is when I told her she sounded like my boyfriend [minus the delightful English accent of course]. And then an hour later...my friend who was recently kicked out of my church...almost but not quite invited me to her new one. By that, she just let me know when it started in the morning. I have mixed feelings as this is the friend that told me she lied to me and didn't trust me and all that...so I don't know how we would get on being at the same church again. But at the same time...I do know the people she know calls pastor and know that they're good and godly people...

I hurt. I'd forgotten what it's like to stand on concrete for 8 hours...ouch. I expected a few aches and pains as my body started working like it hasn't in a while....I mean, busdriving is an easy job, so is the library position. I didn't expect my hands to start hurting. I hurt them a few years back at a local factory...plastic parts for vacuum cleaners, and they didn't provide a machine to put these caps together so we had to do them by hand...and my hands were screaming the next day. I ended up going to the doctors, he diagnosed it as tendonitis, and taking a break from work didn't help them...I ended up having to go to therapy because my muscles were stiffening up and I was loosing the use of my hands...$1500 later and much prayer from my church family and it got so that they only bothered me if I were to type a lot, so I had curtailed back until that no longer bothered me either. So, they hardly ever hurt any more...until I started my new job. It's real...

I got the job!!! Isn't that exciting? It's nightshift, though and it's gonna be dirty...but I can handle a little bit of dirt...and I don't think I'll be in this position for long as there is room for advancement and I'm a smart girl so I expect I'll be in another position eventually. I start tonight though, after working at the library all day today..I am gonna be whooped come 4AM...well, maybe it won't hit me until I actually get home...wouldn't that be nice?!?! My friend continues to insist that it was due to conversations I had with my Pastor that caused her to be kicked out of leadership and later the church. Like I maliciously maligned her. Why would I betray the woman who holds all my secrets??? Would someone explain that one to me...there's no logic to it at all!! I almost wonder how much my question about balancing friendship and leadership. In October, we we had a special speaker in {still not sure what was so special about him...

It has been a beautiful day. Mostly blue sky, with a few white clouds floating through. And warmer than yesterday, but not as sweltering as last week. I've been waiting by the phone all day because I'm playing "phone tag" with one of the people from the newspaper ... they want an interview!!! Yay! I have a busy week this week. Church meetings tonight, tomorrow night, Wednesday night, nothing Thursday that I know of...or Friday, but I work at the library on Friday. And I think also Saturday. Oh no, I forgot, Friday night is the Watch {our glorified prayer meeting}. My friend/former friend is still confusing me, even though we no longer talk. I heard her on the phone with another friend today and she sounded like the old her ... like the good old her. I can't go to her and ask for things to be worked out though...as I'm fairly certain that she told me to stay away from her family...so it would be up to her to approach me. I would love to win a vacation trip righ...

New Trek and a new Poem . Life is strange. But then I wouldn't know what to do if it were any other way. LOL! Nothing else to say tonight.

There is something wrong in this world when they steal the magnetic smiley face off the back of your car. Which someone has done. But, I only rolled my eyes heavenward and said, "Whatever!" Must be the neighborhood kids were bored or something.

You know, this is really kind of strange...but for all the tears that I have shed in the past over the fear of this relationship ending...now that it has happened, I don't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I thought. Like...I honestly don't know what to think about this. I'm angry over her accusations, hurt that she doesn't believe me, still smarting from the yelling, but ... it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I'm trying to get a job as a newspaper reporter. I could do it, even though it hasn't always been my favorite form of writing. Everyone has to start somewhere. It is very hot here, with sever thunderstorms rolling through the area. I've seen some pretty awesome lighting; there was small hail as well. The wind whipped, and the rain was falling in curtains. And along the western horizon the sun was shining.

The On Again Off Again relationship is......Off Again. For good this time. I'm going to bet this is so, as she was screaming and swearing at me and pointing her finger in my face. I am a manipulative conniving bitch that can't be trusted...the voice of many witnesses testify to it...so they must be right. Reconsiliation will not happen without a mediator. Shoot me if I even mention it. {{{{author's note: this post has been republished and can now accept comments. it is Saturday as I fix this and feel a little better about the situation, though there is still numbness inside.}}}}

It all pretty much looks like this. Rolling fields. Farms dotting the horizon. This was taken just up the road from where my Mom lives...was coming home after Easter dinner and saw this and thought it would make a good shot. However, it was on a one-time use camera so the range was rather limited. Still not too bad.

This was taken on Easter Sunday. It's a picture of my youngest brother .... stapling a torn seam in his pants . He's 21 and did this right in front of our mother. Mother wanted the picture taken to show a slice of the 'redneck' way of life...but I'm not sure if it is. I think my brother is just odd. I mean, wouldn't it make more sense to just give the jeans up...or give them to Mom to see if she can't mend them? Noooo....let's staple it. Goofball. :) Bob fans: go here !

In short, the hurt behind the poem is that my friend whom I just made up with and reached a new understanding with...had decided to cut me off...this time for my good as she started to believe the lie that she is a bad influence on me. Well, I didn't take it very well, argued with her for most of Saturday about it, trying to get her to understand that I don't think she's a bad influence and that it's my opinion that counts. I am almost 30 years old, I don't need my pastors deciding who I can and can't be friends with. They are free to express their opinions and concerns, but ultimately the choice is mine. I'm not sure what exactly happened Friday night at the Watch, but it was the straw that broke the camels back for her. She and her husband decided that they will no longer be going to my church. A decision that at this time I wholeheartedly support----so long as she doesn't lock her door on me! I know things will change, but it doesn't have to be ...

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Isn't she the cutest? Well, so, ok, I'm partial to her. This is "my" dog...Little Bear. I got her shortly after high school graduation, even though Dad said, "No dogs" when we left to house to go look at her. I was depressed that year, quite badly. I had just been kicked out of college for being depressed, and was feeling quite the failure. And I thank God that this pup came into my life. She gave me friendship, and someone else to think about other than myself. Little Bear was never able to forgive me when I went out and got a real job, and so became my mother's dog. She wouldn't give me the time of day for years. Until I moved out on my own...now she can't get enough of me when I visit. How typical! She's going on 12 years-old now, which is like .. alot .. in dog years. She only ever had one litter up puppies...underneath my bed...in the middle of the January 1996 flood. She was fixed shortly after that, which is why she's a little bi...

Two things: My friend and I made up. I had forgotten just how badly she's been taking a lot of stuff at church...I mean, she does have reason to be suspicious and all as the church is blaming just about everything on her righ t now. She and I compared some notes and we've both been pretty low at the same time. She did read my emails, and so she took a little bit of time to let me in on some things I didn't know. I was wrong in some of the things I had said, but she didn't hold it against me. As I told England when talking to him about it...we've decided to trust each other again even though it really goes against reason in a lot of ways. Next. I'm thinking of making some changes to my blog. I read an article in a magazine that suggested I out right ask my readers for constructive criticism. So---what changes would you all suggest????

Nothing against rednecks...honest...I'm related to a few...there's a moral in this story, honest... The Restaurant An Irishman in a wheel chair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee on him. The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded again, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, too. The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there sweet thang, how's about gettin' me a cold glass of RC!" He too, looked a...

So. I haven't been to see my friend since Tuesday. I figured, ya know...who wants to be around someone who doesn't trust you...and who would want someone around that you didn't trust. Especially if you're going to the hospital because of chest pains. Which, Paigeylouwho was taken Wednesday to the hospital for. And then, the next day she emails me, telling me about what was going on and asking for prayer. So, I'm a little confused. I should have swallowed my hurt and pride then and went to see her instead of condemning myself for her anxiety attack. But...Getting ready to go to the Prayer Watch last night, our other friend that we share {Dinah}, told me how Paigeylouwho had emailed her to see if she'd seen me and did Dinah know if I was mad at her. Back up the banana boat!!! Why didn't she email me to find out what was going on??? Which is what I asked her this morning in an email. {we were ok at the Watch last night, but it's not exactly a pl...

I forgot to tell you all the results of my meeting last Friday with Pastors about the guy who wanted to "share his abundance". I got in trouble for 'jumping to conclusions', for not being 'nice' to a "brother in Christ". There were also thinly veiled accusations regarding my friend, which I was stupid enough to share with her, because she's the only one I've been to talk to about stuff...though it is no secret that Pastors are not her biggest fans right now. So now she's pointing the finger at me, and she's not appreciating my "What did I do?" response. I have to walk away. And she's going to think that it proves her right. What will she do when the gossip about her doesn't stop? Who will she blame then? Perhaps she ought to stop feeding the monster of gossip - maybe then it would stop biting her. But what do I know? I'm just the dumbass woman she's been mentoring for over two years. I get smacked down...