The Other Side of Reality

And may it never happen again.

I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've backslidden...to some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged.

Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well aware that he's young yet and wants to experiment. I do think that he's senitive enough to my feelings that he wouldn't go to overboard; especially in light of what happened this past weekend.

His best friend Mo was up for the weekend, and sad to say they're probably no lnger best friends. I'm not sure if Mo is just a lightweight, whether his autism makes this so, or whether he just had to much...but Mo can't hold his liquor. And when he gets drunk...he gets wierd. And Justin had never seen that before. I saw a little bit Friday night when I came home from work, but since I was sober, I ignored most of it and deflected the conversation each time he tried to get offended over something I said.

I should have seen the warning signs and put an end to their drinking plans for the rest of the weekend. But hindsight is 20/20.

So, everything was ok Saturday. We were all having drinks and nothing got out of hand...although I do have several bruises from wrestling with Justin [I need to learn to 'cry uncle' sooner! lol]

Sunday night/Monday morning was a different matter. I had a few drinks of vodka and kool-aid and went to bed early because Monday morning is my earliest morning --- I have to be at work at 8am. About 4:30am there is this loud crash that wakes me up...we're still not sure what Mo dropped...I've had a sore muscle in my neck ever since. For some reason, I never really drifted back off completely. I could still hear them and just before 6 I decided to get up, an hour earlier than my alarm was set because -- really, what was the point. And that was just about when the shit hit the fan.

Justin's still not sure what started it, but Mo started getting wierd...which kind of wierded Justin out so he tried calling an end to the night and sending Mo to bed. Well, Mo instisted he was ok and he wasn't drunk [wasted off his ass is more like it] and the next thing I know, Mo is trying to leave and Justin is restraining him because he doesn't want his friend to get hurt. Mo's fists flew...several times. Mo talked trash...called Justin gay...alien...pretty much everything but white. Justin did get some blows of his own in, but nothing like what he was getting...he really was more sober than Mo and was remaining calm...though his patience was wearing thin towards the end. Mo tried to convince me through all this that I would be better off with him than Justin because Justin doesn't love me, he neglects me and he's gay...blah blah blah.

Well, wasn't that interesting?! Oh really?

I really should have called his grandparents, or the cops, sooner. That 20/20 hindsight again. At the time I was too scared to think straight or obey my instincts. I mean, I told Mo just the day before that....that although I put on a pretty good brave front, I'm really a very timid person. I've been assaulted before...one uncle groped me, one brother put me in a headlock, another brother has given me a black eye. Mo kept whining that I wasn't doing anything to help him...uhm, duh! I was trying to stay out of their way! They're both over 6ft tall....I'm only 5'7 on a good day...and I know that Justin could wipe the floor with me if he wanted...there was NO WAY I was going to get in the middle of that!

Justin is not perfect...he admits that he takes me for granted...and ignores me sometimes. But he makes up for it. Like when Mo threatened to kill me...Justin said that Mo'd have to go through him first. Probably would have said that about anyone Mo would have threatened at that point, he's that kind of guy. But for him to have said that to his best friend, about a girl of all things, says a lot.

I'm not sure if the boys are going to make up. Justin thinks that once Mo sobers up and calms down, that things will go back the way that they were. As much as I don't want to see Justin hurt, I don't think that would be a good idea. I think Justin has out grown his friend, several of them, and he doesn't see it yet. I don't think Mo is a good influence...and I think that Mo is jealousof Justin. After all...Justin's only a year older and has his own money, own place, and a woman who treats him well. Mo's "girlfriend" is a middle age woman older than his mother...while I'm ok with the entire older woman thing [I'm 11 years older than Justin after all] I think having someone older than you're own mother is not very healthy...especially since Mo's a functioning autistic who according to his mom is emotionally 14-15...sober...2 when drunk. I've though back to some of Mo's "joking" comments....about how if he and Justin ever got really mad at each other what a knock down drag out fight they would have [wonder if it lived up to his expectations?]...about how everything is a competition between them, including me "just joking"...and I can't help but wonder if maybe Mo was looking for a fight?????

I'm glad it's over. There's still emotional fallout to deal with. I still feel emotionally bruised over it. I know Justin's still bothered. Neither one of us is sleeping well. I'm trying to deal with my own fears...and trying to help him and not mother hen him...it's not easy. He spent the afternoon with another emotionally disturbed friend...one who has no problem burning Justin with cigarettes or slashing him with a knife...and I'm wondering why Justin has so many friends who abuse him and take advantage of him. I know he's naive and doesn't see it. I wish he would.

I liked Mo...I like this other guy...but I like Justin more...and I want to see him with friends who lift him up and not drag him down.

Sigh.

On a different note...here's a pic I took of myself just the other night on my cellphone.

Labels: De-Stressing, Men, venting

I don't care what anyone says - just because I live in a trailer, in a trailer park, does NOT make me trailer trash.

Sad to say, you can find "trailer trash" in some of the most expensive mansions.

The world needs to stop looking at the superficial. The outside trappings. What a person looks like....what they wear...how they sound even....where they live...what their abode looks like.

So this trailer isn't going to be much help if a tornado sweeps through...what house is? Seriously. No I don't have a storm shelter...but while we've had tornadoes here before, they're not that often. I was a teen living with my parents the last time this town had one. And that was during the day - I'd be at work...poor Justin would be home and in bed. He'd probably be out in the storm, the goofball...I wouldn't put it past him to try to ride the tornado...oh, who was that? Pecos Bill? I don't remember that tall tale. If a storm were to come at night...I'd probably sleep right through it anyway.

I'm just not that worried about it. Why should I?

Like I said to the jerk on facebook....I have a roof over my head. There are too many people in this world that don't have that much. And I live with a great guy. He drives me freakin' nuts sometimes...but it's all good. He has a good heart. More stubborn than me, but that's ok! Not everyone has someone - I didn't for a long time and I can appreciate that.

Man looks on the outside, but God looks inward. So he said to the prophet Samuel when he was checking out Jesse's boys trying to find the one God wanted to be the next king of Israel. I guess all of David's brothers were better looking....at least they looked more regal. We all need to take that lesson from God. No we can't see all they way inside to a person's heart like He can, but we can look beneath the surface if we try.

I've still got that lesson to learn, I know, I know. I'm just as bad. I guess I don't like it when I'm on the other side! LOL! Ah, well...I'm not dead yet, so there's hope for me yet! :-D

Labels: Almost Deep Thoughts, De-Stressing, venting

Yes Jean-Luc, The Visitation is a favorite book of mine. While it is fiction and not Gospel...there's a lot of Gospel truth in the book.

The scene: a hardware store, a few days after the angel sitings have started and the crucifix started weeping.

The players: Travis Jordan and the owner, Matt Kiley.

Matt was a Vietnam vet who came home paralyzed. Of course, people were urging him to go down to the Catholic church to touch the crucifix to be healed of his disability. Matt's a little disgruntled with it all. "Like all I have to do is look up at that crucifix and believe, and that'll do it." A little later on, he says to Trav - "Funny. I made some friends at the VA hospital, I've met some other folks in wheelchairs, and we got along fine. They never told me to go down and look at some crucifix or wash in some special kind of water or say some kind of magic prayer words. It's always the walkers who know what you need."

Now - do not get me wrong. I believe that God heals in strange and miraculous ways. It's all throughout the Bible, and even in today He has not changed. I also believe that God's goal is to have everyone healed...It's what Jesus did when He walked on this earth. That isn't the point of this paragraph or my thoughts.

It seems that it's always the healthy that knows what the sick person needs. Sometimes, this is true as that healthy person has been there and done that. But how many times is the person who is healthy never had a physical ailment? They've never known disability. They've never known disillusionment. They've never endured the silence of God. So then - who are they really to counsel, judge, criticize, those who are sick, those who are bitter, heartbroken. If you've never been in that spot...how can you know what they're really truly going through? And how can you know the answer?

And who are they to question what God is up to? Exodus 4:11 - So the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?" In no way am I saying that God wishes ill on His creation. BUT - what if there's a point to all the suffering? To movitate the Church to good works. Sometimes to participate in miraculous healings...and sometimes to just help that person endure their tribulation. To encourage them that they're going to make it.

I know that there are many people who would view me as a backsliding Christian. I've even joked about it. They would tell me that all I need is to read my bible and pray and have a quiet time with God everyday. There's nothing wrong with that and I used to do it all the time. I am just tired and God understands this. I have read scripture to the point where I've memorized the gist and sometimes the words. I work mainly by myself during the week - above the sounds of the machines all I have is quiet....not to mention the hours alone I have in the trailer when Justin is at work. My faith has become something between me and Him and right now intruders [and well meaning idiots] aren't welcome.

There may come a day when this quiet volcano erupts within me and I walk in His power and presence in greater measure than I once did - but the timing is up to Him. I'm not going to force it...and no one else is going to either. Since moving into the trailer, I've already sensed a difference in me. I can't explain it. I just know that although the church brands me a sinner for not standing in front of a crowd and getting a legal document ---- I have a peace about this relationship and this move. And I know that God's hand is on my life.

Hmm, I've been long winded the past couple of days. Sorry! This is what happens when I read books and think deep thoughts! lol

Labels: Books, Church, Deep Thoughts, God Thoughts

I'm presently reading The Visitation by Frank Peretti. Again. I've lost count of how many times I've read this book over the years since I bought it. Had to have been...yeah, not sure. It was released in 1999, but I know I didn't get it until it had been out a while. Overall I'm a fan of Peretti's writing...although there have been a couple I got so into that I couldn't go to sleep with the lights out afterwards! This one isn't one of those, although I'm definitely into the book.

Each time I read it, I discover something new....understand bits and pieces better.

I've been putting this reading off for a while. Can't really explain why. My eye had fallen on it a few times since unpacking my books at the beginning of June...but no, I had to read three other series first [for the curious: Firebird Trilogy, Prairie Winds Trilogy, Legends of the Guardian-King series] But when I was placing the last book on the shelf, I went ahead and grabbed Visitation. And it is hitting home like it never has before.

In short: Antioch is being visited by a man that looks like Jesus, almost but not quite claims to be Him, is doing miracles left and right, and pretty much winning over the town. But not everyone is buying his act, mainly the protagonist Travis Jordan...who started out as a fired up Pentecostal preacher...and is now resigned, looking forward to teaching 6th grade in the fall. The story flashes between the present, and Travis' past, his teen years, meeting his wife, their first pastorate, etc...and how right now, he's pretty much disillusioned with the entire church scene. And yeah, he's still hurting because his wife died...despite all the prayers and faith healers they went to.

Now, I've not lost my spouse. I've never been a pastor. But regardless, a lot of Travis' past hits a chord with me.

Because I've been in the same types of services...dealt with the same types of people...been that type of person he's had to deal with!...dealt with the same disappointments. I'm dealing with being 'outside' the church looking in. I've been put down because I'm different, like the youth at his first pastorate...because "this is the way we've always done things and this is how we're gonna keep doing them..."

Like his sister Rene says early in the book, I might have left the church, but I never left God. It's all just...stuff. {that's not a direct quote, sorry the book's in the living room and I'm too much of a bum right now to go get it!} There's a difference. Church stuff is nice...but it's just stuff. It doesn't replace a relationship with Jesus...but it can displace it. The stuff can kill you if you let it...along with all that judgment from others if you're not doing ALL the stuff, ALL the time, the right way [their way].

And it was killing me. All the judgment from the last church I went to, my best friend's judgments [although she would deny it]...the pressure to fit someone else's mold of what a good Christian girl ought to be instead of being allowed to be the woman God made me...was suffocating me. I know that I hear from God...I might not be the best at timing, or knowing when something is just for me or for sharing...but I know that I know that I hear from God. But because I'm a single woman that was going to church where their were nor strong women anointed in hearing from God, I made a lot of mistakes that weren't forgiven - at least not by certain aspects of leadership...or friends.

Well, I can't get over it for them. That's between them and God.

In the meantime, I can allow Him to heal what's been broken...grow what He's planted in His time...and learn from the spot I'm at.

Even if I do feel a little like a flower trying to bloom in the desert.

There's something in that, I think. Maybe I'll post more on it, and this book some more later. Right now I've got to stretch my legs.

And Jean-Luc: a lot of my poems get written at 2am! I might be a sort of day shift person on the job, but at the heart of me is the night owl!

Labels: Books, Church, God Thoughts

Here it is...my 400th post!

I think I'm going to be fired from Company Apprentice this week. After all, I was the one in charge of my team this week...and we lost...again. Of course, it goes without saying that the judge is slanted to the other team, he admitted as much in one of the comments from last week.

Whatever.

I know I'm a great writer. Just because my posts on the blog contest have sucked, doesn't mean anything. I don't know how the others do it, but apparently I just can't balance real life and a pretend reality contest. I mean - I work 40 hours a week...I have chores to do...I have a boyfriend who hogs the computer on his nights off and won't let me on [well, it is his computer! lol!] Thursday night we spent 6-7 hours at my mother's doing laundry. I didn't have time to go online and work on a story. It would have been nice, but I was exhausted and in sore need of sleep. So my post wasn't what I wanted. My teammates posts weren't what I wanted either...but since I was in charge, I'm sure the blame will be laid at my feet. Maybe I should have been more specific in my desires for their post, but apparently they had something else in mind. Oh well.

Like I said, I know I'm a great writer...I just suck at 1st person "reality" posts...lol!

I had a terrible dream the other night...it was odd. Like it was a movie of my life...I was being played by Sally Field and Justin was being played by Martin Mull of all people! I was finding out that I couldn't have babies. :'( Justin was upset merely because I was upset [he doesn't want kids anyways]...but it was nice to know that he was upset even if it was just because I was upset. Wierd. I'm not even sure what he's say if I were to tell him about the dream.

Oddly enough though, he has had dreams about me and kids. Tempy thinks that it's not so much that he doesn't want kids, but that he doesn't want to face a custody battle someday. Well, duh...make sure he keeps me for starters! Dork. But even if we did split up, I wouldn't deny him access to any kids we might have by accident.

If I can have kids.

I've always been afraid of that. I don't know why. Probably the devil playing on my fears. But we have been having unprotected sex for almost a year now and it hasn't happened. Well, we're both still young, so it could still happen. If he decides he wants one and I can have one. There's always adoption though.

Sorry, I guess I'm letting my fears get a hold of me. Kind of feels better to share though.

I guess. A trip to facebook and then maybe Runescape. I got up too late to go to bed this early. It's gonna bite me in the arse come Monday morning though! Like that'd be the first time!

While I am grateful for having a job - I really do not like dayshift...or the split-shift. Maybe it would be different if it was all dayshift but it's not and it gets tiring. And then on the weekends, I revert back to the nightshift schedule to be with Justin.

Such is life.

Labels: Dreams, Men, venting

Well, I've survived another birthday.

It was a wretched day as well that started out with me realizing that we were out of brake fluid again - therefore no brakes...and me standing in the pouring rain in the lower parking lot of the trailor court filling it back up. And still almost wrecking on the way to work, again.

And it didn't get any better from there.

But...if any of that flour that Mom has stockpiled is any good, I'm gonna bake this weekend..............................I'll be sure to bake myself a cake!

Labels: Birthday, moaning and groaning

I just realized that my character that I write on one of my other blogs, is a Red Sonja type. I honestly had no idea. Never heard of her until Koma made a crack about it in one of his posts over at Company Apprentice...and I just had to look it up to see what the heck he was talking about. It was an intersting read, to be sure. I even found a few good pics I could use too. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's not like she is Red Sonja...just happens to dress kind of like her and has red hair. The story line is completely different. Once this reality blog is over, I'll be able to get back to Ciera. I created a new character - "Lt. Hawk-Eyes" - and I have no idea how he really fits in yet. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either...just gonna stretch my creativity a bit. Like this realiy blog thingy is. Sheesh, it's almost more stress than what it's worth. At least I'm not up for being fired this week, even though my team lost. I hope Koma doesn't get fired though - as much as his character antagonizes me, I don't want him to go yet. Bennett was right, this week was his best story telling ever.

Labels: ciera, other blogs