Monday, October 31, 2005

Such is life

Such is life.

Friends come and then they go. Like - - whatever.

And yet, despite my advance maturity since a certain incident which shall remained unnamed....I have this overwhelming desire to scream "BITE ME" into the wind....and then drive off into the sunset laughing histerically like a madwoman {not to be confused with a woman who is mad}.



on the brighter side of life, my car has been fixed. My muffler is so quiet, that I can sneak upon people now!!!! Mwuahahahahah!


and the garage didn't take ALL my money. It left me with enough to by a smidgen of gas.



and maybe creamer for my coffee.






yes, it still hurts. it is never nice to be called a b*tch by the woman you were planning on being your matron of honor on that far away imaginary day when I marry some handsome gentlemen...but I am using humor to mask it.



Strange. I have also deeply offended the man I had vaguelly considered walking me down the aisle on the asaid for imaginary day. Perhaps, since God has taken both of them away, it means I will never marry. Sigh.




Life sucks...and I don't mean maybe...


Sigh.



I want a donut.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

It's Saturday

Nothing is going on today. We have a Halloween parade later, and the church may or may not have a float in it. We are having a party for the kids afterwards, and a table serving coffe and such to people as they pass by. I was asked to help with the kids party. hmm. And my bestest friend is having some sort of breakdown. And somehow...it's partially my fault. Riiight. No matter how badly behaved I've been, how much I've screwed up, it's not within my power to how she reacts to it. Perhaps I am the 'straw' that broke the camels back. I can't even apologize though, because she hasn't told me what I've done. I wonder what it was....when I challenged her newly changed opinions? dared to rebuke her for how she had handles something [she's a leader and leaders are touchy about that kind of stuff.] No doubt I was out of line. I could easily hurt myself somehow right now and blame everyone else..."so and so doesn't like me, doesn't approve of me" "my bestest friend is rejecting me" "The housing authority has lost my rent and is trying to evict me"{try and figure that one out}...but I don't do these things, because she's the one that has taught me differently!!!!!

It's far easier to live in fantasy than real life.

Friday, October 28, 2005

I know

I know that I should be composing my next installment of the Princess thing, and I might later today. I don't really feel well right now. Blech. Can't stay at home in bed though, the world doesn't stop turning just because someone doesn't feel good, right? Whether it is emotional, or physical, and today it happens to be both. At least the only responsibilty that I have today is working at the library for an hour [whoop-tee-do] but an hour is better than nothing.

I told Alfonse this morning that I was a screw up and he scolded me something fierce. "Just because you screw up, doesn't make you a screw up! I don't ever want to hear you say that again!" Ha! What could I really say to that? "Uhm, sure...ok boss...whatever you say." Intellectually I know that screwing up, failing, whatever you want to call it...doesn't make me a screw up or a failure or bad and evil. It's the head talking the heart around to believing that has always been my weakness....sometimes I think there's a "wire" broken somewhere between the two.

On the bright side, it is sunshining right now, and actually almost warm out. I shed my jacket and am just walking around with a sweater. But then I might be having hot flashes [even though everyone except the doctor says I'm too young for them].

I have seven dollars left until Monday, when my noisy car goes into the garage and will probably take almost all of my bus paycheck. That so kind of sucks. But if I wanted to, just for today, I could stop at the Acorn and get a serving of french fries [only $1.49!!!!]. That would leave me with what, just over five dollars? Unless I get a drink.

OK. I'm shutting up now and going to go find lunch. Probably won't have the fries, but will head home and have something boring from the cupboard.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Where was I?

I believe the Old woman was encouraging the Princess to finish her lunch so that she could have dessert.


So...the afternoon passed, and into evening. Supper was simple...leftovers.

"I don't understand why I can't just stay here," the Princess said in quiet complaint. "Don't you want me here? Do you want to be alone?

The Old Woman didn't answer the last question. She didn't answer the first question. Instead, she asked one. "Why did you leave the tower?"

'I wanted out," the Princess answered. "To see the mountains and the city up close. I was tired at looking in from the distance."

"And how much of that are you doing here?"

Silence. In fact, the Princess outright scowled at the Old Woman.

"Well?"

"Point taken," the Princess said rather grouchily.

The Old Woman just laughed.

Monday, October 24, 2005

What I hate

I think what I hate the most within the church, other than sin, is the holier-than-thou attitude that can creep into the leaders. They are anointed for their positions, but does that necessarily make them 'holier' and more godly than the rest? I have a problem with that concept. Are people dumb? Yep, like sheep. But you know what, I have been given the same holiness that is given to every believer when they accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I might be overly emotional...I might be decieved from time to time about things...and I might suffer from an overblown sense of pride and arrogance...but...I am still saved by grace. It is that grace that shines in the darkness and shows me where I am astray. Perhaps I have been too open and honest about it...perhaps I have been too transparent about my trials and difficulties...but I thought I was safe in the church to do that. I was wrong. Do not get me wrong, I in no way mean disrespect to my leaders...I love them and try my best to respect them even when I don't agree. We are called to be a humble people...and it is NOT humilty to say that one is not godly because they are prone to cry in church...no one knows my heart save the heavenly Father...{{{His love sometimes overwhelms me}}}.

Sigh. Perhaps they are farther along in the things of the Lord than I am. But that is no reason to judge me. Seems to me that they would desire to help me grow.

I am having a really hard time with these leaders right now.

On the bright side, I've been getting more sleep.

At least my boss likes me. LOL! Well, both of them. I might suck at church leadership...but I can drive bus and be a librarian! LOL!

The weathermen are saying it's supposed to snow. Yuck.

I am thinking of changing my mind. I had been thinking of going back to school and becoming a teacher, but the more I think about it...the more I think I ought ot go with the original dream of 7/8 years ago...to become a "real" librarian. my boss thinks I can do it. Who am I to argue with him?

OK. I have to go hit a few blogs and then go get something to eat.

Later y'all!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

On a more personal note

Sigh.

I dunno about myself sometimes.

Utenzi and Cliff - thanks for your encouraging comments on the earlier post.

Rob - thank you for understanding.

Captain - as always, my gratitude.

Fluke - - - - - what can I say? There's nothing like being called silly by you of all people! AI feel sooo....chastised! And you're right...hunger distorts things. So does sleep deprivation.

I lay awake and my mind won't shut down. Last night it was better. We had a string of special meetings at church this week and last night I did get prayer. I felt something change when the speaker prayed for me...and you'll all laugh when I say what I felt...I felt tired. Not a tormented tired, but a warm-I could-go-to-sleep-right-here-and-now-in-the Presence-of-God-and-not-think-twice-about-it. I haven't felt that in over a week. Which is actually kind of strange because generally when I fight depression I'm tired all the time and sleep and sleep and sleep. this time it 's awake awake awake. I'm thinking I'll drift off nice and "warm and fuzzy" again tonight {{hoping so}}

I did have a revelation of the love of God while on the bus yesterday. I was driving along listening to the radio before picking up the first kid and the song "More" by some guy who's name I can't remember and the FLN website isn't working so I'll have to tell you about it later. But it was a God moment.

ok. I have to go answer an email. Later y'all. :)

Better late than never!

The Princess...

She spent the rest of the morning in silence. After the Old Woman's story, she was no longer happy that she had left the tower. Surely imprisonment was safer than life on the outside.

At lunch, the Old Woman made up for the meager breakfast by sitting a plate full of steamy mashed potatoes slathered in gravy and roast beef in front of the younger woman. "You've been awful quiet," she said, thereby earning the "Stating the Obvious Award" for the year. "You thinking of going back?"

The Princess nodded.

"It's too late to go back..surely you know that."

"All I have to do is walk up to the front gate and knock."

"You could," agreed the Old Woman. "But don't you think you should at least make an attempt at tasting life before going back to that death?"

She shrugged. "I'd forgotten why I went there in the first place until you told your story. Life can sometimes bite you in the heart and leave you to bleed to death."

"True. And those first few months after my husband left were the hardest ones of my life. But...he didn't leave me alone after all. I had a daughter."

Silence.

"And I realized that I couldn't spend the rest of my life afraid of what might happen...instead I had to savor each moment whether sweet or bitter."

"Where's your girl now?" the Princess asked, having no memory of her mother.

The Old Woman didn't answer right away {{{and the audience balances on the edge of their seats in anticipation}}}. "I haven't seen her since she was 3."

"What happened?"

"I...don't know. I tucked her into bed one night and the next morning she was gone. I looked everywhere for her...even lowered myself down the well to see if she'd fallen in."

The Princess was quiet again. That this old woman could talk about such things so matter-of-factly amazed her.

"Well now, once your finish with your meal, I want you to try this cloak on." The Old Woman guestured to the dark material she had been working on throughout the morning. "You'll need it in the morning when you go."

"But..."

"I can't let you exchange one tower for another. Now finish up...there's pie for dessert."

Monday, October 17, 2005

Don't!!

Shelly - don't take any lessons from me! I'm not doing too well at the moment.

I must confess - I'm battling depression right now. I'm angry and so I'm getting sarcastic which only ever gets me into deeper trouble with the people in my life.

I mean, I shouldn't be depressed. the Bible says that God will meet all my needs...and yet I am facing going hungry in order to pay my bills...and yet my hours continue to go down at the library. the Bible says that I am loved...and the ones I counted as friends have decided that they don't and since they were ones who often conveyed the love of God to me...I doubt...not so much God's love but the calling that I thought was on my life. And if I've been wrong about that, then what else have I been wrong about?

On the other hand, we have services at church tonight and maybe the speaker will say something extraordinary that will reaasure me...I am praying that there will be something...to either conform what I've thought the calling was or to confirm that it is indeed 'not'.

I'll work on the next installment of the Princess series tomorrow. Promise! :)

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Life

Life has a way of taking up your time so that you can't post on your blog. Has anyone else ever noticed that?!?!? LOL!

It has been such a rough week. I wish people would grow up.

I'll try to get the next installment of the princess out tomorrow night.

We also just had like a week of miserable weather here too...Misty stuff that won't actually turn into a rainfall.

Sigh.

I'd really like a nap right about now too.

Argh.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Pt 4

The rain continued into morning, and was still falling as the Princess ate a rather bland breakfast of oatmeal.

"We've all been there, at some point in our lives," said the Old Woman once the Princess had eaten her last bite.

"What do you mean?" she asked, sliding her bowl into the middle of the table.

"I mean we've all been held prisoner. Maybe not all of us have been held in a fancy tower like you, but the heart of it is the same." The Old Woman sewed an item of dark cloth as she spoke. Her hands resembled the roots of a tree, mottled with age and knuckles swollen by years of hard work, but they held the sewing needle firmly and they moved with sure gracefullness at each stitch.

The Princess watched the Old Woman's motions for several stitches before asking, "What's at the heart of it?"

"Fear."

The word had been spoken firmly, but without malice. Still it took the Princesses by surprise and she blinked 3 times in quick succession. "Fear of what?"

"Fear is fear." The Old Woman smiled gently. "Mine was fear of being alone...to the point where I wouldn't let my husband out of my site the first five years we were married. I'm surprised he put up with it that long. We each have different fears, but like I said..."

"Fear is fear," replied the Princess. "I was so afraid of rejection and of being abandoned that when I found a people who accepted me - I let them put me in the tower to keep me."

The Old Woman just sewed.

"What happened with your husband?" the Princess asked.

"He left me."

Silence.

"My fear was so great, that it drove him away. My fear gave me the very thing I was afraid of."

Silence.

"And it was then that I realized that being alone is nothing to be afraid of. Because I am never truly alone."

Silence.

"The battle you face now, Princess, is going to be harder than climbing out of the tower. It's going to be getting the tower out of you."

Friday, October 07, 2005

For real this time!

Pt 3 - Encouter

By nightfall, the princess really wanted to go home. It was getting cold, and she didn't have a cloak or a shawl. Her feet were hurting - this was the most walking she'd done in years and she hadn't thought to change her shoes before leaving the tower. And it had started to rain.

With a sigh, the Princess took advantage of the rain and washed her bloody elbows as she walked, stumbled through the forest. In the distance, there was a light glowing in the growing darkness and she hoped it was a cottage or a cabin or something that would give her shelter.

It was a small cabin, she saw. She knocked on the door, and waited in the pouring rain. It never occured to her to wonder what type of person might live here.

Fortunately for her it was a little old woman [this time] who opened the door.

"My goodness! Get in out of the rain girl!" the old woman exclaimed, pulling her inside.

The princess' teeth was chattering too hard for her to answer right away. The old woman immediately set about caring for the cold princess. In minutes, the princes was sitting in front of the fire, in dry clothes, wrapped in a blanket and was having a hot bowl of soup pushed into her hands.

"So," the old woman said, sitting in the chair across from her. "You've finally decided to flee the tower."

The princess looked up, surprised. "You knew I was there?"

"Of course. I've been watching you sit at your window for years now. I've been waiting."

The princess was quiet.

"I suppose you're wondering why no one has tried to help you."

The princess nodded.

"You can't help one that doesn't want to be free."

"But I did!" she protested.

The old woman shook her head. "It wasn't until you actually climbed down the side that you decided you really wanted freedom. But it still calls you doesn't it? The tower, I mean."

The princess nodded in shame.

"It will get worse before it gets better," the old woman said.

The princess began to cry into her soup.

The old woman shook her head. "Ain't nothing to cry about, girl. Finish your soup and get to bed. I'll help you on your way in the morning."

"Why should I bother? If it's only going to get worse..."

"You giving up already?"

"NO!"

"Good. Now finish your soup."

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Pt 3 - into the forest

Lions and tigers and bears - - - oh my!

Monday, October 03, 2005

The Princess - PT 2

The flight down the side of the tower seemed to take forever. The Princess was unused to such activity and was constantly banging her knees and her elbows. The drop between the end of the bedsheet and the tree was greater than she'd thought, and she almost climbed back up.

But she didn't. She kicked herself away from the tower - she did that two more times before she let herself drop. It was only a couple of seconds, but the freefall felt wonderful to this sheltered Princess. Oh if she only had wings to fly, then none of this would have been a problem. Her arms snagged harshly against the branches and she knocked her knee again. No doubt she'd be wishing for bandaids by the time she got to the bottom of the tree.

This part of the flight went smoothly as she could remember tree climbing from the days before the Tower. At the bottom of the tree, fastidious creature that she was, she brushed the bark off her dress and wondered why she hadn't changed into pants before cllimbing out the window. Too late now.

She couldn't do anything about the few spots that were bleeding, but it wasn't too bad so she decided to let it go until she could find a creek or a well. Once she found water she would clean them.

Looking up, her heart sank. Before her lay nothing but trees. Gone were the mountains in the distance. Gone was the city skyline. She would have to go through the forest before anything else. And she had no idea how long it would take her. In a moment of doubt, she looked back up. But there was no going back - the space between the tree branches and the sheets was too great for going up.

Adjusting her dress one last time, the Princess squared her shoulders and marched off into the unknown.


more to come....

Saturday, October 01, 2005

October Sky

And not the movie either [though it's a good movie].

October Sky
by: the one and only me

The wind blows my hair as I look up
It's chill reminding me that autumn is here
Despite the sunshine that fills this October sky
That makes the blue sky of summer seem pale
The warmth of the sun is comforting
As it reflects off the peaks of towering clouds
Whose whiteness rests in stark contrast with the dark underneath
Pushing my hair back I can only stand in awe
And marvel at this beauty
That stands apart from the rest of time
In this moment I rest
Thinking neither of yesterday nor of tomorrow
Only of this eternal moment
As for me, time stands still





And to spoil it all for you - this was inspired by a sunshiney/cloudy day earlier this weak, before it actually turned to October....but I thought October Sky sounded better than a September sky. LOL.