Window Into My Reality

Well, what a relief!  Even though we have Monday off, we don't have to work tomorrow so we get a three day weekend...the MAP room is not as lucky :(  Of course, there's nothing saying that they won't make us work next Saturday to make up for it, but that's not here yet so this girl is NOT going to worry about it! That's actually one thing I like about my job at Cargill, almost the only thing, that once I clock out and leave for the day, the place doesn't worry me one bit.  I'm not 'on call' just in case something breaks, I can go away and not have to leave phone numbers with anyone, I don't have to stay any later than 3pm except by a few minutes (I clocked out at 3:05 today).  And I don't worry about something not being done right.  I just shrug at the end of the day and say, "I'll worry about it tomorrow/Monday."  It's such a relief! Speaking of relief, I've 'shaved' my head again this year.  Justin does it ...

So, one of the things I've done in the name of love since joining with Justin has been learning how to play Halo Wars on the Xbox.  It's not really my thing.  I prefer playing games like Hexic, or Bejeweled Blitz.  The occasional racing game because I suck at driving anything on a game console - part of my fun is how many times I can crash it during the course of the race lol! What I have learned from playing Halo Wars is interesting though.  For those of you who don't know, it's a war game in which you are in charge of commanding the army.  You can play against the computer, or actual people courtesy of Xbox Live.  Personally - I've found that I'm not a very good player on my own, I play better as part of a team.  I'm better at implementing other's strategies rather than coming up with them on my own.  I'm also not very good at changing strategies mid-game...though I'm learning.  And I've learned that I don't like losing...ok, nobody ...

Ok, when you're DD...drunk people suck. They are too loud, they are argumentative, they spill stuff, and because they weren't thinking even when they were sober those of us who are sober are trying to keep the toddler out of the jelloshots, safe, out of harms way and entertained. Seriously, who brings a toddler to an adult birthday party for a 21year old? It was an interesting experience though, as I myself have never been to a party like that. And really do not see the appeal. I've been falling down drunk only once...and I do NOT like it. I like being able to remember what is going on, and I like being in control of myself. I'm not opposed to having a good time, but there is such a thing as too much! I know that some of it comes from hidden hurts in their lives. Rachel is a sweetheart (she's a cousin of Justin's) but her need to get shitfaced is a strong indicator that she's trying to doctor the hurts deep inside. I don't know all the details...

Actually, the reality of this mornings phone call has not set in yet. We've only had phone service back for a week, internet a little less. And what news and what comfort it brings at the same time. I received 2 phone calls early this morning. I should have been up and out of bed already, but since Justin was going to drive my sister and I into work, I was cheating and staying in bed a few extra minutes. It was my Mother telling me that my oldest brother had had a minor heart attack an was on his way into surgery for a blockage. I didn't think much of it, 'minor' heartattack...blockage...no big deal...they fix this stuff all the time...Uncle Bob had one and was ok. But maybe 5 minutes later, she called again...this time to say that he hadn't made it. The reality has not hit me yet. I feel the shock and the sorrow...but thre is a tiny corner of my mind that is protesting. This can't be real. Icky can't really be dead. (His name was Glen Richard but ...

What a week I've had. I've been taking prednisone for over a week, just finished the last dose actually. And I've had trouble sleeping all week. 9, 10, 11 o'clock rolls around and I'm not tired...which isn't good when one must get up around 4AM! It was catching up to me today, and actually I just got up from a long afternoon nap...evening nap? So I'm not gonna want to sleep again tonight! lol! At least I don't have to work tomorrow! Of course, one night I was up late becuase of family drama. Mom lost her temper while trying to speak some truth to Liston's girlfriend Alysson...so I'm talking to both of them. Mom's upset because Alysson didn't want to hear it (which she's allowed) and Alysson was upset because Mom was yelling at her. Of course now, the entire trip that was in question has been cancelled because Liston and Alysson feel that Mom threw a fit...which since she lost her temper is essentially what she did. But sinc...

Prayers for Japan. Such a huge quake at 8.9. I watched some videos online and can't get over the devestation, both from the quake and from the resulting tsunami. And to think that waves reached as far as California and Hawaii from it as well. Of course, my mind working as it does, wonders how this will effect the world economy as well. May it not be bad. Wherever you are Mariko, I hope you are safe. Mariko is a Japanese lady that I went to college with briefly back in '94. Sadly I lost track of her, but I think of her from time to time. She was so sweet and trying to teach me her language. So was Cynthia, a Puerto Rican. This is no doubt one factor of why I was dubbed the coolest white person on campus. May the aftershocks be small.

Our loss is heaven's gain. I lost my Uncle Eddie last weekend. He was my mother's older and only brother. His funeral was last night, and I learned so much about him that I wish I'd had more time to get to know him. He was the type of man that you had no doubts what he believed, because he lived them. He was a true man of God. He was loved by all, because he loved by all. I want to be more like him, because he was like Jesus. We got in about 11:30pm last night, the funeral was in Syracuse NY about 2 or 2 1/2 hours from here, and we were back up by 5am because we had to work. I couldn't get any time off from work, aside from being let out early, because he wasn't immediate enough family (uncles don't count!! wth?!) AND they had to have proof that I was there and where it was etc. I don't know if that is company policy or just my supervisor not believing me. Whatever. So we're dog tired right now. Gonna relax for a while/

In my last post I made a comment about how big girls don't cry is a lie. I got in 'trouble' at the last church I attended because of how much I wept. I was labeled "emotional". I was, and I am...and to this day I don't understand why this is a bad thing. I can think and reason with the best of them. I'm intelligent and witty and curious. The fact that I allow myself to express my emotions in a place that I thought was 'safe' because the presence of God was there...is apparently erroneous. No one ever asked why I was crying. They all assumed that every time was the same, that I was depressed. I cried for a variety of reasons. I was sad. I was glad. I was overwhelmed by His love. But like I said, no one ever asked. Let's see. Jesus wept...It wasn't even His grief He was weeping about, it was compassion for Mary and Martha and their grief. The psalmists lamented...mixed right in with their praise and worship. No one ever considered that I migh...

Sometimes I wonder why Yahoo allows comments on their stories. I'm all for the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Speech, Press, Religion, and Expression. I think it's great. But reading comment on Yahoo stories makes me think that there are some people out there who just shouldn't be expressing themselves online. It makes America looks ignorant. Not stupid. Ignorant. There's a difference. Stupid can be fixed...a little teaching, a little guidance, a little enlightenment...voila! Ignorant doesn't want to be fixed. They're happy with their sick dumb-ass opinions. It amazes me how quick grown adults are to trash someone else, even if it's an innocent child. I remember one story a while back about a little girl who was being teased about liking Star Wars by the boys at school. Apparently these boys either liked her or had never been told that sci-fi is for girls too. It upset the girl to the point of tears when her mom asked why she wanted to change her Star Wars lunch...

I thought about calling this through the Looking Glass, but I figure that's copywrited. I've spent the weekend trying to network and gather something of a following. I used to have one, I kind of miss it. Not so much as an ego thing, as feeling like I belong to a kind of inline family. Not like Facebook where I know 90% of my friends, maybe 95%. But strangers pulled together. I came to the conclusion today that blogging is like peeping through windows. Kinf of like a peeping tom, but with permission. Everytime we hit the "Publish Post" button, we give permission to total strangers to look into our lives, our thoughts, our feelings, our dreams, our hopes, our nightmares... It takes bravery I think. Especialy if you are brave enough not to censor yourself and write with total honesty. The scariest part of that, for me at least, it when I go back in time and look at some old posts and say, "What the heck? Was that really me that wrote that? I'm so not that perso...

How do you explain to someone who doesn't write where the ideas come from? I really don't know. They just pop into my head I guess. Especially poems. A line will start circulating in my head, "behind dead eyes" for example...and when I start to concentrate on it, hopefully on paper so I don't forget it and lose it...the rest just flows. There are some days I struggle for that next line, sometimes months and years. But where I am at right now, not so much. I'll admit, sometimes my short stories come from dreams I've had. My entire novel was based on a dream I had where I was having an affair with a store owner and was kidnapped. LOL! Obviously once I started thinking about it and fictionalizing it, it became something else entirely. My two Star Trek fan fics were based on dreams I had...one where the praise and worship band from my old church was playing on the Enterprise (hilarious) and another where Deanna Troi was key in bringing down the Borg ...

9 years later, and this day is still a day to be remembered. But it's the "how" that is the important part of remembrance. 9-11-01 should be remembered not only as a day of sorrow but as a day of victory. Victory because the attacks did not keep this nation down, we did not crawl up into a ball of fear. Instead we kept on living...almost in defiance of the terrorists who sought to hurt us that day. Some like the pastor who wanted to burn the Islam holy book on this day...not only makes Christians look bad, but also Americans...and to be honest, it gives more power to the dead terrorists than they should have. Whether we agree with another's religion is beside the point. It is how we treat those we disagree with that either gives credence to our own beliefs, or reveals us as liars. Besides, books should never be burned. But that's another post. Remember the Heroes of this day, the fallen, the survivors, those who still grieve for lost ones...never forget. And do no...

We all have them. Points in our life when we can keep going straight, or turn either left or right and start on a new path. My sister is at such a point. She has the opportunity to go back to college this fall, and the question she has to decide is whether to pursue a nursing career or a teaching career. Although I might be a smart aleck and ask her why not a Teaching Nurse? Someone has to train the nurses, right? My friend Tempy is at such a point. She recently quit her full time job here. She's a single mom and even though she's living with her boyfriend now, they work different shifts so the entire 'making sure the kids are taken care of' was still an issue. She had moved farther away from our work place, and so had farther to drive...therefore more opportunity to fall asleep while driving herself home. So she's trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. Start her own small business...go back to school...what exactly? I'm right there ...

A few weeks ago, Justin and I were given free tickets to a hockey game. It was very cool and fun, the first for either one of us. Here are some thoughts I 've had since then. The last church that I went to, the praise and worship leader was a good one for encouraging the congregation to get hyped up during worship by saying loosely - How many times do we hoot and holler and get excited for or favorite team, but we can't even raise our hands in worship? I've been guilty of saying the same thing. And I think it's time we rethink this idea. It is very easy to go to a sporting event and get swept up in the excitement of the game. The rest of the people know all the rules and what is going on, and that kind of true excitement is contagious. The same could be true of worship. This could be good or bad, depending. The hockey game that I went to was enjoyable. I had never been to a live sporting event before, so that right there was exciting. Neither Justin or I are very knowle...

I don't care what anyone says - just because I live in a trailer, in a trailer park, does NOT make me trailer trash. Sad to say, you can find "trailer trash" in some of the most expensive mansions. The world needs to stop looking at the superficial. The outside trappings. What a person looks like....what they wear...how they sound even....where they live...what their abode looks like. So this trailer isn't going to be much help if a tornado sweeps through...what house is? Seriously. No I don't have a storm shelter...but while we've had tornadoes here before, they're not that often. I was a teen living with my parents the last time this town had one. And that was during the day - I'd be at work...poor Justin would be home and in bed. He'd probably be out in the storm, the goofball...I wouldn't put it past him to try to ride the tornado...oh, who was that? Pecos Bill? I don't remember that tall tale. If a storm were to come at nig...