Monday, June 29, 2009

Facebook Fun?

When I joined Facebook, I received a couple of greetings about 'welcome to facebook fun'. I had no intention of Facebook being a replacement for this blog...I was not going to share anything deep there, just going to keep it light and fun...maybe reconnect with some people from high school....

Well. So much for that thought.

I posted some pics that I had taken of Justin with my cell, to show people what the goofball looks likes because I've got friends who've never met him and my fifth grade English teacher was like, "Who's Justin?" So I got his brilliant idea to do a little facebook post about who he was--and in the spirit of keeping it light I made a comment that he was going to kill me when he got home and discovered that I had broken our last glass drinking cup but oh well because that's how the cookie crumbles...and this freakin' idiot from high school makes this 'deep' comment about 'breaking glass, cookies crumbling: destructive' ...WTF? So my fifth grade English teacher makes comment to his comment, about that kind of stuff happeneing, it's called life. {Way to go Miss Myfelt!} And this idiot replies with 'yeah, life is destructive'...double WTF?! So I write up this nice reply about how that's "only if you let it" plus a few other tidbits and again, this moron can't just say that he's glad that I'm happy, he has to continue with this crap - this time I got a circle of life line...grasshopper eats grass, frog eats grasshopper' etc....Seriously, wtf is wrong with this man....we haven't spoken since Graduation night when he fucked me over to make his mother happy [can anyone say "momma's boy" in a non-nice way?] I was no threat to his relationship with his girlfriend, despite my crush on him, I was happy with our 'just friends' status. I spent more years than I care to recount deeply depressed because of the crap that happened that night. I don't talk about it because it's in the past, a long time in the past and I no longer feel the pain the same way that I did...now it's like, "Todd who?"

And now, fifteen years later, his first words to me are about how destructive I am and the rest of this crap? On Facebook where I was trying to keep it all light and fun - because this place here is where I let loose and vent and be honest about everything regardless of how petty, ignorant, immature it might make me look. Because I get over it after I've vented and move on. Whether that will work this time, I don't know...because it's an ongoing issue still. I basically told him off in my last reply to his idiotic comment. Seriously, how did a post about my boyfriend turn into that crap? I told him that if he couldn't say anything nice to me, like "I'm glad you're happy" then to not say anything at all.

If this keeps up, I'm going to have to delete him. My own fault for testing the waters to see what 15 years had done ... not enough apparently. Not for him anyways. What an idiot. Thinking - I've never been more grateful to have that asshole out of my life!

Wow, apparently I've grown up just a little bit.

Just a little.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Perchance To Dream

I was looking through an old journal last week, and couldn't help but notice how hung up I used to be on my dreams. I dunno, maybe it was my 'dream journal' for all I can remember now. Do I believe that God can and does speak to people [me] through their dreams? Absolutely! The dream I have below is an example of that...and one worth remembering as far as I'm concerned. Something I've found as I've been going through old emails. It's dated Sept. 19, 2006.

I dreamt about Jesus this morning. About what it might have been like to fellowship at a meal with Him. I know that it wasn't like the bible times, but He and His disciples where sitting around a picnic table at the shore...there was a bonfire going. Some of the people around the table were His disciples from then...some were people I knew from today. I remember peaking around the corner...watching the fun and listening to the laughter...being jealous because Mary Magdalen was out there...and then Jesus saw me and beckoned for me to join them...I remember getting to set at the end of the table, near Jesus. Then we were fishing. The waters were a bit rough at first, but Jesus was having a blast being out on the waters with His friends. I remember helping Peter cast the net over the side and then dragging it back in, full of little fish. I'm not sure if the fish were close to the surface or if we were fishing in shallow waters, which wouldn't make sense since we were in a boat for crying out loud, but you know dreams...we were also close to shore where we were fishing.

It's not that hard of a dream to figure out, if you know any of your Bible anyways. Jesus was beckoning me to come closer...letting me know that I was every bit as loved as Mary Magdalen. And she's right up there with Mary of Bethany, you know. MM was a sinner...and she knew just how much she had been set free from [7 demons] and knew just how much she had been forgiven and how much she was loved. She was as much a disciple/follower as the guys were. Jesus didn't shut women out of His entourage. He welcomed them as much as He did the little children. You see, the women got it. They knew what He was saying. The women who annoited Him with perfume and oil days before His crucifixion knew that He was talking about His own death...while the guys were squabbling over who among them was the greatest.

John knew how much he was loved to...in his entire Gospel he never once refers to himself by his name...he called himself "His beloved disciple" or just Beloved. John knew that he was loved and accepted to the depth of his being. He didn't give two shits about the other guy, he just knew that he was secure in the arms of grace. By that, I'm refering to Peter's quetion at the Lake, during the breakfast after Jesus' resurrection when Jesus gave him commands "Feed my sheep" etc...and Peter asks, "Well, what about him?" actually refering to John. Jesus replied,"What is that to you?"

When Jesus calls us, it's something personal. It's a relationship with Him...not everybody in the church. It's a romance. He wants to draw you deeper into Him...who He is a Savior, God, and yes, a friend. Jesus didn't walk this earth as some holier-than-thou teacher with an attitude, because He really is Holy than any of us...He genuinely liked the people He was hanging out with. Even Judas, had Judas been able to see what was really going on, had he been able to accept the divine call and love. Jesus, as a man, was a guy you could relax around...even though He was/is the Creator of the universe and could blast you with fire and brimstone if He wanted. How you can relax around that, is really nothing short of a miracle itself!

When I think of how often I was walking on pins and needles at that last church I went to, I cringe. How much of it was fed into by leadership and how much of it was actually Paige's paranoia, I don't know. I may never know. But regardless...that's not what Jesus saved me for, not what He called me into. He saved me, called me, however you want to put it...because He loves me...He sees all that I am, the good the bad and the ugly...and loves me anyway...with a passion and depth I don't always grasp. And that's how He wants me to look at other people. I don't always succeed - a flaw I know that I"m not alone in having.

And He wants to be my friend. Me of all people!

Someone I can talk to...no holds barred. Someone I can depend on. Someone I can trust.

Even when I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him. I've had enough moments in my life to know that He's always there. Always waiting for me to need Him, want Him.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A lol

Here's something funny that I read in one of the paper's that I plated last week:

"The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from eating too much pi." author unknown

I have two more, but I'm too pooped to find them. I think I'm going to bed early.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Must be...

I must be mad. Truly. I just signed up with Facebook. Like I don't already have enough to do! LOL!

Not much going on tonight. Catching up on internet stuff. Haven't gotten to MySpace yet. I forget about that sometimes. Good luck with facebook then huh?

I had to remind myself to be grateful tonight for having a job. It's not that I'm not grateful that Monika took the layoff and I got to go back to work. It's not even that I dislike my job. I just don't like going in anymore. Oh well. Like I said to God, I'll get over it. Part of it is the wierd hours, but as Jerry said tonight that's only for a couple more months. He's not even sure what will happen when we go from computer to plate, but he doesn't think they'll eliminate another person....can't lose too many more!

I fell in the bathtub Sat. morning. Banged my side up...HUGE black and blue mark...and I'm really kind of achy. But at least I didn't break a rib or anything like that.

Ok. I've had enough for right now. ttyl.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Disturbed

I am disturbed. Upset. Out of sorts.

Grossed right out.

I try not to post twice a day, because that just seems too much to me. But I have to talk to someone now. Even though you can't talk back. I have to vent.

I just chatted with a cousin of mine. BLOOD RELATION cousin. No steps, no halfs, no inbetweens. And I'm pretty sure he was coming onto me. He says he was joking....two paragraphs after saying how he would have done me at Easter time...and later telling me how he wished we'd had the chance to fool around when we were younger.

Ok, I did a lot of naughty things when I was younger [read - a kid still] that I regret. But I've gotten over it. I've laid it all out to the Lord, I know He's forgiven me, and it no longer haunts me like it used to. Like Justin says "You were young. So what."

But, anything naughty between me and this cousin would NOT be on my conscience because he's the one that's older. And unfortunately, whatever happened in the trailor - I don't remember it in the detail that he does, thank God - is still on his mind. And for some reason he felt the need to tell me about it. I will never tell him this, but I feel so dirty right now. I even mentioned Justin a time or two {uhm, yeah cousin about that - I have a man already}...and I swear at least once he was trying to oneup Justin and try to prove that he'd be better in bed - thank God this was all over the internet and nothing happened in person. I'm sorry he's having problems with his cheating wife, and that ever since his vasectomy he's ultra-horny, but that's the it of it! There's nothing I can about it or ever will.

Yes, I had crushes on my cousins when I was growing up. I was young - and my cousins were the only boys that really ever played with me. Of course, they had to because they were my cousins. lol!

Still, I am disturbed. I'll get over it and I'm feeling a little better already. Sort of. I mean, I almost feel like there is something wrong with me - I've had 2 blood relations come onto me in the past year. EEEEEEWWWWW.

I'm going to get off of here and go read my book.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Rambles

This is my late night. I don't have to work tomorrow, so I drove the truck home and will go back to get Justin about 4am...unless he calls me to come early. They were having press problems when I left, so I'm thinking that's just not going to happen. I was just chatting with a friend on AIM and was telling how on the weekends I slip back to Justin's sleep schedule. After all, it used to be mine as well!



I did get one thing accomplished last night. I went through all the poems on my poetry blog and got them all labeled. Very cool. I forgot how good my poetry can be.



Of course, it put the spark in me for another poem. I might work on that later.

I have no idea if I'm going to get any of Justin's attention this weekend or not. I tried so hard Thursday afternoon but he was busy doing stuff online. Whatever. One of the tires on the truck is going soft :( which is always a bummer. I guess they all need to be replaced for it to pass inspection though. And a bumper. I wonder why that is. Oh well.

That reminds me, I have to get the address on my driver's license and truck registration changed. I might try to do that online now. Especially since it's on my mind.

ttyl.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

And so it is...

That I sit here and wonder. Wonder what, I don't know exactly. Too many things all at once...maybe that's why I get headaches...lol!

Aw, I just sit here bored. Justin is at work and it's just me and the stupid cats and they're not very good company. I've done the dishes, all that remains is to dry them and put stuff away. I suppose I could sweep, but I don't feel up to it right now...ok, I just don't want to. Maybe later.

I have answered emails, could probably go through some of the archived ones. I've phoned a few old friends. Talked over an hour with the one. I'll probably just do what I'm doing now...sit here and wonder and think while I cruise the net. I might pull out some stories and work on them.

I have to check my bank account, see if my check's gone in. Although since Justin forgot to take my debit card with him, it's not going to put gas in the truck unless he speeds home on lunch. I wonder if he'll call me like he did last night. It sucks being on a different shift from him sometimes. Most of the time. Maybe he'll get home ok with what he has in the truck, it was almost to the line just above the E but not quite.

Work was interesting today, it was busy for a Thursday, even though I was only there for 6 hours. Almost all of the jobs were the long 34 inch papers. That's a long negative let me tell you! But it went fine. I did have to come off of my lunch break early to fix a negative, which kind of irked me. Don't stand there and rush me when you cut my lunch time short. oh well, I made up for it by not doing a whole lot my last half hour - did some emails and computer work.

Gonna cut this short, don't want to bore people to death---I want you to come back after all!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

moved

Hey! I've done moved again! Justin and I have been in our own place since June 1st...we just got our internet up and running. I still haven't found everything packed away from last time yet. Go fig. More later, I have to go to bed.