Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Weekend that was

And may it never happen again.

I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged.

Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well aware that he's young yet and wants to experiment. I do think that he's senitive enough to my feelings that he wouldn't go to overboard; especially in light of what happened this past weekend.

His best friend Mo was up for the weekend, and sad to say they're probably no lnger best friends. I'm not sure if Mo is just a lightweight, whether his autism makes this so, or whether he just had to much...but Mo can't hold his liquor. And when he gets drunk...he gets wierd. And Justin had never seen that before. I saw a little bit Friday night when I came home from work, but since I was sober, I ignored most of it and deflected the conversation each time he tried to get offended over something I said.

I should have seen the warning signs and put an end to their drinking plans for the rest of the weekend. But hindsight is 20/20.

So, everything was ok Saturday. We were all having drinks and nothing got out of hand...although I do have several bruises from wrestling with Justin [I need to learn to 'cry uncle' sooner! lol]

Sunday night/Monday morning was a different matter. I had a few drinks of vodka and kool-aid and went to bed early because Monday morning is my earliest morning --- I have to be at work at 8am. About 4:30am there is this loud crash that wakes me up...we're still not sure what Mo dropped...I've had a sore muscle in my neck ever since. For some reason, I never really drifted back off completely. I could still hear them and just before 6 I decided to get up, an hour earlier than my alarm was set because -- really, what was the point. And that was just about when the shit hit the fan.

Justin's still not sure what started it, but Mo started getting wierd...which kind of wierded Justin out so he tried calling an end to the night and sending Mo to bed. Well, Mo instisted he was ok and he wasn't drunk [wasted off his ass is more like it] and the next thing I know, Mo is trying to leave and Justin is restraining him because he doesn't want his friend to get hurt. Mo's fists flew...several times. Mo talked trash...called Justin gay...alien...pretty much everything but white. Justin did get some blows of his own in, but nothing like what he was getting...he really was more sober than Mo and was remaining calm...though his patience was wearing thin towards the end. Mo tried to convince me through all this that I would be better off with him than Justin because Justin doesn't love me, he neglects me and he's gay...blah blah blah.

Well, wasn't that interesting?! Oh really?

I really should have called his grandparents, or the cops, sooner. That 20/20 hindsight again. At the time I was too scared to think straight or obey my instincts. I mean, I told Mo just the day before that....that although I put on a pretty good brave front, I'm really a very timid person. I've been assaulted uncle groped me, one brother put me in a headlock, another brother has given me a black eye. Mo kept whining that I wasn't doing anything to help him...uhm, duh! I was trying to stay out of their way! They're both over 6ft tall....I'm only 5'7 on a good day...and I know that Justin could wipe the floor with me if he wanted...there was NO WAY I was going to get in the middle of that!

Justin is not perfect...he admits that he takes me for granted...and ignores me sometimes. But he makes up for it. Like when Mo threatened to kill me...Justin said that Mo'd have to go through him first. Probably would have said that about anyone Mo would have threatened at that point, he's that kind of guy. But for him to have said that to his best friend, about a girl of all things, says a lot.

I'm not sure if the boys are going to make up. Justin thinks that once Mo sobers up and calms down, that things will go back the way that they were. As much as I don't want to see Justin hurt, I don't think that would be a good idea. I think Justin has out grown his friend, several of them, and he doesn't see it yet. I don't think Mo is a good influence...and I think that Mo is jealousof Justin. After all...Justin's only a year older and has his own money, own place, and a woman who treats him well. Mo's "girlfriend" is a middle age woman older than his mother...while I'm ok with the entire older woman thing [I'm 11 years older than Justin after all] I think having someone older than you're own mother is not very healthy...especially since Mo's a functioning autistic who according to his mom is emotionally 14-15...sober...2 when drunk. I've though back to some of Mo's "joking" comments....about how if he and Justin ever got really mad at each other what a knock down drag out fight they would have [wonder if it lived up to his expectations?]...about how everything is a competition between them, including me "just joking"...and I can't help but wonder if maybe Mo was looking for a fight?????

I'm glad it's over. There's still emotional fallout to deal with. I still feel emotionally bruised over it. I know Justin's still bothered. Neither one of us is sleeping well. I'm trying to deal with my own fears...and trying to help him and not mother hen's not easy. He spent the afternoon with another emotionally disturbed who has no problem burning Justin with cigarettes or slashing him with a knife...and I'm wondering why Justin has so many friends who abuse him and take advantage of him. I know he's naive and doesn't see it. I wish he would.

I liked Mo...I like this other guy...but I like Justin more...and I want to see him with friends who lift him up and not drag him down.


On a different's a pic I took of myself just the other night on my cellphone.