Friday, September 30, 2005

Not your normal fairy tale

The Princess in the Tower
Part one:

The room was quite large. The floor was mainly covered with marble tile and when the Princess paced, there was a rhythmic clicking sound that reverberated off the high ceiling.

She should be happy - it was beautiful here, and she was well cared for. She ate the best foods, slept in a comfortable bed, and even had visitors everyday. Still, her heart was heavy. She could have anything she asked for here...except her freedom.

"It is for your own good," she had been told, and was still told on the occasions that she dared to ask for a chance to see the outside world. "It is dangerous out there. There is evil. Surely you are not smart enough to protect yourself."

And so she paced. On occassion, she would stop to stand at the window and stare out. In the distance she would see mountains...and cities...and farms... Unlike Rapunzel, her hair was short and she couldn't just toss it out the window. And there was no one at the bottom of her tower calling for her anyway.

Each day, her heart grew heavier as she stared out her window. How she wanted out. She was tired of looking...she wanted to touch the mountains, to travel them. She wanted to meet the people she could see tending the sheep and the cows.

In a moment of sheer insanity, or sanity, depending on how you look at these things, she tore up her bed sheets. Each into three peices and tied them together. Tightly. It wouldn't do to have them come undone halfway down.

The Princess tied the end to a curtain hook and tossed it out the window. She looked down and frowned. It wasn't long enough...but it did reach the top of a tall tree.

Oh - why not give it a try? At the very least, if she were to fall and die...she would die free.

To be continued.........

A great day

Having a great day so far...but then I slept in and so my day isn't that old!! I feel great though.

There is nothing going on right now.

We had a terrible storm blow through here yesterday morning while I was driving bus. I had one little girl tell me that she "saw thunder"...I couldn't find it in me to disagree with her. there were quite a few tree limbs down. You know the kind that blow off in these storms, small enough not to cause damage and big enough to be a nuisance if they fall in the road. I had to get out once and move a canvas tarp out of my way...I suppose I could have driven over it, but not knowing what was under it, I just couldn't do it. If I had just driven over it, there would have been something sharp that would slice something on my know how that goes!!!!

Isn't it amazing how things can change? We weren't supposed to have a meeting last night...but when I called one of the other lady's to ask if she wanted to get together anyway, I was told that we were going on just like normal. I was like, "Ok. Nobody told me." to which she says, "Well you don't have a phone." True enough, but every place that I hang does. The last I had spoken with the prayer leader, the meeting was cancelled [as she and 3/4 of the regular crew is out of town. She had said something to me about getting together with this other lady if we wanted to. Either there was a break down in communications some where, or I just plain missed something. If this other lady had wanted to get ahold of me, she could have. It's no that hard to find me.

ok. I'm going to go check my email again, and then do some research [[and maybe play the weekend game]].


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

A poem

"Thinking of You"
by: myself

I think of you in the darkness of night
When all has fallen silent and I am left alone
I imagine your arms around me
And can almost feel the warmth of your breath on my cheek

I think of you in the brightness of day
When life is busy and the world is rushing me along
I imagine you pulling me aside
Just to smile and tell me of your love

I think of you when I pray
When God bends His ear to me
I ask for His blessings in your life
And for His angels to protect you

Wherever I am, whatever I am doing
You are not far from my thoughts
And I just wanted to let you know
That I'm thinking of you.


Been busy this week - which is good. Emailing. Driving bus. Babysitting. Dog sitting. Staying out of trouble, which is a full time occupation. Reading. Even though all the meetings at church ended up getting cancelled this week and everyone I hang with is gone to a conference. Still busy. Which is good.

Trying to put together a cool fictional blog entry but it's been noisy in the library this week.

Have a few minutes now to work on it.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Movie Night

Oh my gosh. I saw "Valiant" last night,[[second and last date]]. That has to be one of the worst movies ever made. Sure it had a few funny moments, but I sure wouldn't want to see it again. No way, no how. You couldn't pay me enough. The best line in the entire movie was when the pidgeon Valiant said, "aren't you a little short for a nursing dove?" which reminded me of Princess Leia's line in Star Wars to Luke, "Aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper". I laughed so hard at that - I actually choked on my soda.

Not much else to say about the date. We talked for about half an hour before hand, and I almost said, "I'm sorry I can't do this" but he'd already bought the tickets and so I was stuck. Afterwards, when he asked when he could see me again, I hedged and said I'd let his sister know. Actually, he tied setting up the next date before we'd even gotten started with this one. Like - plan our entire future why don't you?!?!?! That's how I felt listening to him talk.

On a completely different note: how does a church service that is supposed to be focused on praying for the peace of Jerusalem turn into a service about the nations?????? Not that it's bad to pray for the nations...I love it. But the day is supposed to be focused on Israel and Jerusalem. I just don't get how some people think.......but I guess that's ok, cuz I leave them just as confused sometimes!!!

Thanks to everyone who answered the Weekend question I had posted yesterday.

Friday, September 23, 2005


It's that time again. For Michele's weekend Meet-n-Greet. Some frown, but others gleefully play.

Here's a question for all who visit here, whether on your own or from Michele's:

Last night during a prayer meeting, I had a memory flash through my mind. More like the shadow of the memory. I was five years old or younger and I was begging my father for a peanut butter cake. I really wanted one, and even though I was interupting the adult conversation and probably being a regular Dad quit what he was doing to search for a recipe for a peanut butter cake...uhm, I don't think he ever found one so he made me a chocolate one with peanut butter frosting. This is probably the best memory I have of my father. So - what is your favorite childhood memory?????

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Take your pick

And I don't mean your nose.

School Days Blues:

I have some pretty good kids on my bus. Sure - they're noisy and have a tendancy to hang out in the aisle and swing their coats around, but they're still pretty good. One of the little girls on the other bus had her feelings hurt this afternoon as they were going out to the busses and she started screaming. Not just crying, but screaming like someone had twisted her arm or something. Not a pretty sound. All because she couldn't go first in the line. And the sad thing is - they couldn't get her to calm down and she was still screaming like that when they put her on the bus.

Kids Church:

Awwww. they sang to me last night. Min baked a caked for me and did up a little card and had the kids sing, "Thanks and blessings to you" to the tune of happy birthday. I was quite touched. I mean, the kids are happy to see her come back, and sad to see me go...even though I'll still be serving as a back up. Though to be honest, with fuel prices being as they are, I'm not sure what our winter church schedule is going to be like.

Movie Night:

These are my choices for tomorrow night - "Valiant" or "The 40 Year Old Virgin". oooookay. I think the cartoon might be the safest choice there.

Family trivia:

I guess I dropped something of a bombshell the other day, saying how many brothers and sisters I have. To clarify: Dad had two wives, five kids by each. I am the first kid of the second marriage...#6...there is a thirteen year gap between me and #5...I was spoiled rotten until my brother Cliff came along and I've never recovered from having to share the spotlight. Needless to say I never know whether to suffer from the 'middle child syndrome' or the 'oldest child syndrome' ....... although to be honest, it's the oldest child one that comes out most often. The age span of the kids is 49 all the way down to 21. well, if you factor in their upcoming birthdays, it will soon be 50-22. The Brady Bunch we were not. Especially since Mom was only like, 9 years older than her oldest step-daughter.

ok. that's it. :)

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

this is it

Tonight is my last night teaching kids church on Wednesday nights. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I think it's been bothering me more than I would be willing to admit. It's not like I'll never get to see them again, or even teach them because we all go to the same church and I am going to be like a backup teacher for when Min can't make it.

And can you believe - I've had three changes to my bus route in two days! Very frustrating. On one hand this is good because it's more mileage for the boss and if the boss is happy....u know. On the other routes are longer!!! It can get tiring sitting in that seat for over an hour. Of course, I'm getting a bew bus too - - - which has a radio in it!!! wooohoooo! Now once the kids are off, I can listen to Chip Ingram on the way home. Or at least half of it.

Ok. checking email now.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005


I am feeling very insecure today, and don't feel like posting anything. I have nothing to say. Well, there's some anger, but like always it'll blow over. And there is some hurt. But will have to ignore it. I just can't handle it right now. Or I don't want to. The problem is - I don't even have words to describe what I'm feeling right now, because honestly I'm having a "Life sucks" kind of day.

ok. maybe later.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Why oh why?

Fluke is such a nosey booger isn't he?

There where certain things that reminded me of my one brother's personality. And I saw another brother at my Mom's yesterday - - - and realized that there were some physical similarities to him [and therefore my father]. And......well......I realize this might be asking too much, but I'd really like to date a man who doesn't remind me of my brothers [or father] in - certain ways. I don't want to marry a truck driver...or a hunter...or a police office [which this guy was talking of doing].

There was also the mention of a time when he was taken advantage of by a woman...for his money...and I'm thinking "Great - - - another Tricky Ricky". The last guy I dated had similar issues. Of course, that guy had A LOT of about being unable to please a person. I mean, I'm not rich...far from it.

No - there was no booger picking...nothing gross that way. Well, he did mention that he was so nervous meeting me that he took 3 showers that day {{{WAAAAY too much info there!}}} He really is a nice guy, and I feel terrible for not liking him.

Where I am at right now, mentally & spiritually - I want someone who is like the total opposite of my male kin.

I also want to get married and, like, not tell my mother...but that's another story.

On a different note:
I am so not impressed with the inventors of PAPER right now. Headstart added a student to my route this morning and that means I have to redo my route papers and maps which I just handed in at the end of last week.........Grrrrrr.........paperwork anyway!

Oh yeah - uhm...Fluke...How did you know he had french fries???????

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Chicken Run

And the chickens did run!

I was driving back from visiting my Mom earlier today...she lives waaaaay out in the in no-man's land...and on the way back....I almost ran over some chickens. Dumb birds anyway. they were just in the middle of the dirt road...minding their own business...I stalled my car trying to stop in time...I mean hey, I don't want chicken blood on my nice blue car. Blech.

At least I didn't see any deer or bear or anything. Whew.

I did get to see my dog when I was at Mom's. She's quite the little porker! I can't have her in my apartment and she's been more Mom's dog than mine since I went to work and "abandoned" her...of course now she can't get enough of me. Dogs are strange. Little black mongrel that has some Pekinese in her. Can't help but love her.

Ok. Time for more weekend game!! :)

The worlds most terrible person

I must be the world's most terrible person. Here I am, sitting in a restaurant with a nice person...and all I want to do is cut and run. He was very nice and for the most part their weren't too many of those conversation lulls...but for the life of me...he reminds me of one of my brothers {i've only got 5}. He's a bit older than me and yet there were times I felt like I was the more mature that was wierd. I did agree to go to the movies with him next week, but I'm already regretting it...I just don't see anything coming from it...I might be surprised...I don't know yet.

Now, I have a very wild imagination...and a few posts ago when Captain Picard was teasing me about being my chaperone for this date...I had this wild idea form....yes, I'm quite twisted. So - here's my thoughts on what it would have been like had the Cap been along for the ride.

Ciera walks up the street, the captain her side and approaches Mr. Average Joe as he sits on the porch steps. "Now you behave yourself," Ciera chides the captain.

"I'll be the epitome of good behavior," assures Captain Picard.

Joe rises to his feet and greets Ciera, saying, "Hey, who's the stiff?"

Picard pulls himself up straighter, if that's at all possible, pulls his jacket down in what is known as the Picard-manuever and says quite sternly, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the USS Enterprise."

"Oookay," replied Joe as Ciera shakes her head and groans. "Is he, like, your dad or something?"

"No," Ciera replies, "But he is our chaperone."

"Aren't we too old for a chaperone?" Joe asks.

" is never too old for a chaperone," is Ciera's best reply.

"Well, ok. let's go."

The trio travels to the restaurant - Joe in his jeep, Ciera in her Geo, and the Captain cheats and uses the transporter so that he beats the two there.

"That is so not fair," Ciera mutters to him.

Picard doesn't answer her.

The trio are seated and the two on the date look at their menus. Each order a meal, and the Captains sticks with, "Tea. Earl gey. Hot." The waitress rolls her eyes at him and walks away.

Conversation flows smoothly...each telling different aspects of their jobs and family and likes and such. He likes hunting, she'd rather stay home and read. He likes mountain biking, the highlight of her weekend is going to the library and surfing the net. As this continues, the captains looks more and more pleased.

Joe asks her for another date, and she agrees. The captain objects.

"I object," says Picard.

"Look here, buddy," says Joe. "You've been a royal pain in my...*coughs to cover swear word* buzz off."

"I shall do no such thing," says Picard.

Ciera groans again.

"OK. Listen Babe, I'll see you next week, but you'd better drop the stiff...or I ain't going." Joe gets up and leaves.

Ciera, in mock anger at the captain, give him the "eye" and stands and leaves. Picard follows after her, no doubt to see if she catches up with Joe.

"Ciera," says the captain as the woman stops by her car, Joe nowhere in sight.

Ciera turns to him, sighs and says, "You promised to behave."

"I did my best."

"So you did." She smiles at him. "I almost feel protected."

"Someone should. Protect you, that is."

"I suppose now you're going to beam up to your ship and who knows when I'll see you again."

"Quite so." Picard reaches out and lifts her chin with a finger. "But remember...At Christmas, we dance." Picard removes his finger, steps back, taps his commbadge and saus, "Picard to Enterprise, one to beam up."

As the captain disappears before her eyes, Ciera shakes her head and looks heavenward. She mutters one word that echoes throughout eternity - "Men."

OK...that was fun. I told you I have a wild imagination. {{For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, way back before I changed blog sites, the Captain and I have been playing back and forth about dancing at the Christmas party on the Enterprise, starting from comments left on his blog as well...and that's inspired this lame piece of fiction and we'll see at least one more by Christmas time.}}

Maybe things will go better next week. It's better than staying home and counting the flowers on the walls.......oh wait...I don't have flowers on my walls...never mind.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Off I go - - -

I've got like, 45 minutes left b4 I get to meet my date. I'm going to go in a few minutes, drive around abit........pray ......that my nerves will quit jungling. See you all tomorrow.

Saturday morning

Well, as my loyal readers know...I have a date this afternoon. And since it is with a complete stranger, I'm a little nervous. I even went to my pastors yesterday afternoon and asked for some advice...I mean, they're "mom" and "dad" and I totally screwed up the last time I tried to date...although to be honest, he wasn't very honest. I only got to talk with Mrs. Pastor and she said, 'Keep your eyes open" Good enough. Pastor came in at the tail end and got in on the conversation and I think I've already screwed up some....cuz he asked if we were going with another couple...ooops,'re meeting at his sis's house and then going up to Doc's and I thought that would be safe enough/public enough. Although to be honest, his question made me feel protected and watched out for. I decided not to doll up for this, though. I'm dressed nice, I did curl my hair a bit with the curling iron, and that's about it.

of course, I'll let all of you know what happens.

ok. Going to go play the weekend game a bit before I go on the clock.

Friday, September 16, 2005



I just had a lady in here at the library and she was telling me that there's a water main break in town...and that I probably won't have water at home. She was telling me that no where south of the break has water...she listed off the different places...and I'm like...NO!!!! I mean, I haven't been home since 1...and then I was at the laundromat using the dryer [I had water at home for the wash cycle so it must've been a recent break]. It might not be fixed until morning.

This is very frustrating.

The Other Side of Reality

Here is a "squirrel story" as my brother asked for. A brief background: a few years back, my Pastor was sick and we spent some time doing stuff just to encourage him and lift his spirits. I wrote two short stories for him, the second one had this squirrel in it. Pastor pulled a fast one and had his wife read it to the congregation the next Sunday. And the squirrel story was born. Here is one I wrote for him not to long ago, after he had problems with pidgeons roosting on the roof of the parsonage.

The Other Side of Reality
By: R.A. Slater

Flock of a Different Feather

“Stupid birds,” muttered Pastor Norm. “They’re messing up my new roof!”

It was true. There were like seventy [ahem - - - three] birds on the roof of the parsonage. And they were all settling in for the night, doing their business on the nice new shingles.

Pastor Sharon was working in the kitchen when she happened to notice her husband walking by the window with the water hose in hand. At first, she thought nothing of this. After all, it hadn’t rained in a while and all the flowers needed water. It wasn’t she saw water dripping off the roof that she though to wonder.

What could Pastor be doing?

Curious, Pastor Sharon set down her washrag and went outside. There she saw her husband watering the roof.

“Honey?” she asked. “What are you doing.”?

Pastor smiled mischievously at her. “I’m baptizing my flock.”

“What?” she exclaimed, wondering if perhaps he had been out in the sun too long.

Pastor Norm laughed and explained, “There are pigeons on our new roof and I’m trying to scare them off.”

Sharon moved a little closer and looked. Sure enough. “Get ‘em, Poppa.”

However, the birds weren’t going to go so easily. Chattering among themselves [making comments about Bapticostals who stood outside at night to watch flowers open but wouldn’t share their roof] the three birds merely moved to the peak of the roof where the water house couldn’t reach.

Mirth, the squirrel that lived quite happily in the pastors’ TREE, like a normal animal should, heard the sound of water and left his book to see if it had finally decided to rain. Nooooooooo. Of course not. Pastor Norm was just watering his roof. Mirth was about to go back inside, but then realized that something was amiss…..Pastor was doing what????

Mirth scampered down from his tree, and since the roof was wet, he had to race around the house on the ground. On the other side, he found the two pastors calmly standing next to each other, as water poured out onto the roof from the hose in Pastor Norm’s hand.

“What’s going on?” the squirrel asked, nimbly climbing up Pastor to perch on his shoulder.

“Pigeons,” answered Sharon. “On the roof.”

Mirth looked. “Stupid birds.”

“That’s what I said,” commented Pastor Norm.

Mirth had a bold moment of stupidity. “I’ll take care of this. Just have your bottling of anointing oil handy in case I need it.”

With that, the squirrel leapt from Pastor’s shoulder and disappeared.

“What do you suppose…” began Sharon, then trailed off as Mirth appeared on the roof. “Mirth – you be careful!”

What a ruckus ensued! Mirth had taken the three pigeons by surprise and in short order had scared them off. There were a few feathers floating in the air as the squirrel returned to his pastors.

“If they come back, just call me.” With that, the squirrel disappeared.

Pastors looked at each other, not sure what to make of the event. But that night as they watched the pigeons circle their abode and turn and go the other way…the two were quite happy and decided to let Mirth have extra Acorns the next day to show their gratitude.

Mirth was just happy to get back to reading his book.

The End

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I had a cool title...

But I forgot what it was...I do that sometimes...{{{grinning in chagrin}}}

So - I found out something I did Tuesday night at the meeting that had my Pastor laughing...apparently it was so funny it will provide much laughter in the future for when he's down. I guess when I was called up for know how the speaker is suppose to have your attention when that happens...well, I looked over at my group right before he got started, grinning like a fool, and the preacher moved my head with his hands to face him. I don't even remember what I was thinking when I looked over there...I must have heard their laughter or something [we were a very giggly group that night and by that time we were reaching bellylaughter]. It highly amused Pastor. What's even funnier, Pastor has a different interpretation of the look I gave than Mrs Pastor...

I'm not going to be doing Kids Church anymore. the old teacher is going to come back and do it again [she had a baby]. I of course have mixed feelings about this. Seems like, you know, I just got it figured out that this is where God wants me even though I'm the most unlikeliest candidate for kids ministry...and they yank me. BUT - I was told by Mrs Pastor that she can see me being used there again in the a backup for Min or if Deb looses her eyesight...but I'm not allowed to tell that to anyone and am smart enough to figure that's another "test" I can't even talk to my friend/mentor about it...I can only tell you guys about least I think I can...don't no-one tell on me! :) I would hate to see Deb lose her eyesight, but unless God does a miracle...she is going to. And from what she's shared with me, along with what Mrs. Pastor's going to break her heart if that happens cuz she does a lot with the kids too.

Well...I have a date Saturday. we're going to meet at his sisters house, which should be safe enough since it's right across from the police office. Then we're going up and around the block to a local restaurant - like an idiot I picked the most expensive one around - can't help it...I love the food there...will have to double check and see if we're going dutch. I'm not highly opptimistic about it...for several reasons I can't share. I did talk with his sister a good bit, and there's no pressure if it doesn't "click". I saw a picture of him, and the best I could say was "he looks nice" which was a lie cuz he looked angry in the pic...eyebrows all lowered...I'm hoping it was a bad pic. At the very least I will have gotten to meet a new person and a chance to have some of that hot artichoke dip that I love at the restaurant [aren't I terrible?!?!]

ok. Ending. Talk to me peoples...

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I'm not right

No really.

So, ok. A group of us went to Aglow last night, a supposedly "Spirit-filled" women's meeting...only guys were invited this night. It was Pastor, Mrs. Pastor, my friend/mentor, Kimmie and me all in Pastors van. Hmm....what a combination. Lots of laughs there and back. At one point, Pastor was sharing how one of my emails had messed his computer up, don't know why -these computers here at the library are so protected from stuff, but anyway, he said that he thought it was one of the squirrel stories I had sent him [I write short stories with a squirrel in them just for his amusement]. So, conversation goes on, but I'm sitting here having a picture of my next squirrel in which the squirrel gets in the house and messes up the computer. So I start giggling and my friend/mentor looks at I tell her what I was thinking about...which sets her to laughing...and then I said, "I'm not right" And Pastor, overhearing, laughs and says "That's the first step to recovery." It was a lot of fun.

And on the way home, I realized that I really like my Pastor's laugh. It's a deep sound, that you can tell he means cuz it sounds like it's coming from his belly. I don't know...there's something comforting in that sound. Maybe that's why I like to make him laugh...hence the squirrel stories.

Ok - Time for bus run.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Same old

Same old stuff, each year. I am beginning to hate Headstart....too much paperwork and redtape. You'd think we'd have the same set of rules as school...well, we do...but we have more than they do too. It's just not right.

I have to go home and get ready for meeting tonight. I'm riding with pastors to a Women's Aglow meeting...guys are invited tonight too...which is why Pastor's going. I hope I'm feeling better by then. Knowing my luck, there's a bunch of others going in the van and I'll get stuck all the way in the'll be hot today...good thing I don't normally get carsick.

I might end up going on a blind date. I'm not sure yet. My boss here at the library says to me today that someone had approached him to see if I'd want to be fixed uip with her brother and what did I think. What am I supposed to say??? "No, I've decided to be content as a nun for the rest of my life." [nothing against nuns, I just don't want to be one.] SO I said, "I wouldn't be opposed to meeting him". Goodness, doesn't that sound stuffy?!?!?!?

Don't worry Captain - still gonna dance with ya at the X-mas party!!! ;-)

ok. gotta go.

Monday, September 12, 2005

What a day!

As I was pulling up to one of my busstops, I looked up in my mirror and saw the student I was dropping off already out of her seat and coming up the aisle. This scared the crap outta me. I flung my hand out in front of her to stop her and commanded her to sit back down as I finished coming to the stop. I firmly told her that she had to stay in her seat and buckled until I told her otherwise. See, this is a four year old and so she doesn't know all the rules yet. I am hoping to have all the kids "trained" by the end of the first month. Hoping.

I haven't done much today. I went back to bed after my morning run [still bothered by my sinuses] but I shoulda bit the bullet and stayed up. It's not like I actually fell back asleep, though. Just got all warm and comfy by the time I had to get back up. then I got up to the bus and realized I had forgotten that I needed to fuel it so for most of my run I was behind a whole whopping 5 minutes...but I was at school at the right time ...without speeding I might add.

And now I am finding out that I am "rocking the boat" here at the library. I lifted too much Saturday night and pulled a muscle...and I think I'm going to have to fill out a form and all that crap. Sigh.

My friend/mentor thinks I may have done something I shouldn't stepped into an area of spiritual warfare that I shouldn't have or stepped out of my sphere of influence or something like that. Well, I majorly disrepected leadership...does that count or is she considering that part of the 'symptoms'? I dunno. Now I don't know what to do...or anything like that. I can't talk to her right now cuz her door was locked and that's a sign that she's locked herself away to pray and stuff. Maybe God will tell her more about where I've stepped out of line...cuz He hasn't illuminated me yet. LOL.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I feel broken inside.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Hidden Talent

I just did this hidden talent thing I found on Shelley's blog. Here's what it said mine was.

Your Hidden Talent
You have the natural talent of rocking the boat, thwarting the system.And while this may not seem big, it can be.It's people like you who serve as the catalysts to major cultural changes.You're just a bit behind the scenes, so no one really notices.



What was I thinking when I agreed to work Sunday nights? I was out of my mind. I shouldn't be here. It's just not right. I feel wrong. I am going to miss most of prayer meeting next Sunday night :-( and I HATE missing prayer meetings!!! May the Lord grant me the favor to back out of this easily.

Here's a question I can never ask my Pastor. I mean - never. "Pastor, do you ever wish I'd just go away and become someone else's 'problem'?" I would sooo get the 'over the glasses' look. I know it's an insecurity issue...but that doesn't always make the feeling go away. I admit it...I sometimes get scared that I am going to mess up so bad that they would stop loving me, or that they would want me to go away. I once said as much to Chief...and I have totally screwed that relationship up. I can't even look him in the face right now cuz I"m so embarrassed [not that it matters cuz he's not looking at me either!] - it'll be a miracle if it ever gets fixed...I hope it does, cuz he's my P&W leader and was/is? a father figure and I was always hoping I could ask him to walk me down the aisle should the Lord ever lead me to that wonderful "Mr. Right". A foolish fantasy perhaps, but it was how I've been imagining it. - - - - And there is a part of me that is really tense on the inside right I going to mess my other relationships up???? It scares me to the point I loose sleep over it. I know I'll see the way through this and have victory....but I'm not there yet....

Here are some good quotes from a book I've been reading. "A Man Called Blessed" by Bill Bright and Ted Dekker. It's fiction, but it is packed full of truth, so I always have a God moment whenI read it. #1 - "Adversity introduces a man to himself. And we need to know ourselves before we can know what needs to die." Good one. This most recent 'episode' in my life has revealed: pride, insecurity deeper than I thought, brattiness, anger issues. OK. #2 - "You say that you may not be living up to your beliefs, but by definition, this is impossible. We always live up or down to our beliefs. Beliefs are the rails which govern our lives. Our trains roll on them whether we like it or not. If you're train is not rolling on the set of rails which you claim are yours, it's because you have diverted your train to another set of rails - these are your true beliefs, not the rails you left. Unless you first understand this, you can never find what you seek." Oooh.

We had a good day today. My kids did GREAT in our Kids Sunday service. they did a dance to a Petra song...we worked close to a month on it [practice practice practice!!!]...All the kids did GREAT!

ok. going to go play the weekend game.

Saturday, September 10, 2005


Well...there goes the "noon" fire 12:30.

I really need to think more before I speak. farther advance too. As in - - how will my words today, effect people, situations, etc. tomorrow and the next day? Yeah, I said something not so bright again today...nothing major, but frustrates me. And yeah - to agree with Chief, I don't know how to properly express my frustration. [And he was being nice about it.]

I haven't had anything to eat yet today. I'll have to go home eventually and boil some eggs.

I wasted gas last night. I went all the way over the mountain to Walmart to see if I couldn't return an item so that I could have money in case prayer is cancelled so we can pray onsite at a concert here in town tonight...but it was a piece of electronics that had a 'exception' to the usual 90 day return limit and so I couldn't. Drats. {I think that's a phrase that I can still use...maybe I'd better check the dictionary} So I don' t know what I am going to do know if this is what happens. Maybe it was another "test". Beats me anymore.

going to go hit Michele's site a few times.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Too Soon

"I spoke too soon"

Well....sort of.

Here's a brief rundown of my first 'drop off run' - u know, taking the kids home.

I get all the kids on the bus, knowing that one girl needs to go to daycare, I automatically head for the one she went to last I pull up, she says, "I don't go there anymore...I go to the new daycare..." Uh-oh. Now, this little girls a little more mature than the rest, so I believe her. I tried calling the other driver on the handheld radio to see if he was still at the answer....tried calling the answer...I went back to the one could see the bus becuase of the ambulance, so no one could come out. So I cart the girl around the entire hour long the first stop, I sent a message through the mother to the Center....and then there was a bee on the bus!!!! I killed it, superhero that I am. One girl wants to "swing from the chandleirs"...if the bus had them. Oh my. Finally get back to center and figure out where the first little girl was supposed to go. Then I went and had donuts for lunch. And this was just the first day!!!!! We have so gotten started on the right foot, haven't we????

can anyone hear me go "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"??????

First Day

Today is the first full day of busdriving for me. This is good, mostly. This means I'll be back on a regular schedule four days out of the week [we generally don't have school on Fridays, except for today]. Hopefully this odd stretch of days will help me get back into the habit of getting up earlier...and it would be great if I could get up earlier than I had to so that I could do stuff, u know.

I'm having trust issues right now. Especially with my church's leadership. If my pastor says words that make me believe something that isn't true, isn't that lying? Of course, for some reason I've never quite understood, leadership can get away with that kind of a degree...I mean, look at Aaron from the Bible - he lied about how the Golden Calf was formed. I don't understand it...must have something to do with the anointing thing...King Saul was another one...he kept his kingly authority even though he left God's walk in a big way. A lie is a lie is a lie, right? Even in the name of God? How is it right to allow a person to believe that they believe what you're saying ... ... ... and later you find out that they don't believe you? I understand that leadership is testing people right now [something I don't think I'm supposed to know] ... ... ...I wouldn't be surprised if disciplining me 15 minutes before Sunday School starts was part of the I was set up, to see how I would take it. I don't feel tested right now...I'm feeling manipulated. Even by my friend/mentor.....she's leadership...and she's my friend........and I've been replaying some of the conversations we've had since Sunday [because I'm slightly obsessive compulsive about stuff] and I wonder how much she has said to me just to see what I would do with using the exact same phrase that got me in trouble. Am I supposed to go running to pastors saying, "she said it to"??? Am I supposed to go running to the rest of the Intercession Team to say that we're all being tested by leadership and that we've all failed?? Argh! I know that some of the stuff she has told me, even though she probably wasn't supposed to, because she wants to see me grown and she wants to see me excell and all that. But the 'bite me' comments make me wonder. I'm going to have to ask her how often she uses our relationship to test me...not that it would change anything, I'm just too curious for my own good.

I miss Captain day just isn't the same without him :( But he'll be back Sunday. I'll have to let him know where to find me.

We had a good prayer meeting last night...though we were all holding hands for a while [the untiy thing] and the woman holding my one hand was really getting passionate about something she was praying for and about took my arm out of the socket. It was soooo funny...cuz here I am praying, 'uhm, yeah Lord...what she's saying...just can you have her let go of my hand soon?' LOL! The nation is being called to prayer right now...and so we all have to learn to get along with our differences, right?

OK. I've rambled on long enough. Later!

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Yeah. I guess I'm hiding. I've started a new blog and am going to keep in a secret from my friends. Of course, I also have reason to believe that my old one was being used against me. I should be allowed to have one place where I can be comepletely transparent for a while...even if I get angry and vent...I mean, sometimes I need to here/see what I'm saying for the full impact of how wrong my attitude is to hit me. Did that make sense? It does to me. yeah, this is a public place, and I might watch my words a little more carefully. But I am stupid enough to feel safe here in bloggerland. I mean, my brother will get this new address because I know he cares for me and isn't too offended at the warped struggles of me his sister. And I don't think it bothers Fluke Stabucker and Cpt. Picard too much either, or any of the others that have left comments.

Good Lord, I am sooo warped. On the bright side, that's truly nothing unusual in this day and age, even in the church...which is where we get to work out our twistedness into Christlikeness [I just don't know why I'm so slow at it!]

I have to finish vacuuming.

Yeah - I know...I'm probably paranoid...but after the weekend I had last week..............