Window Into My Reality

I am sometimes, often, disgusted at my own cowardice. My inability to say what I'm really thinking, or feeling, about a matter to the person involved. If I could, I would say to the company doctor treating my locking fingers...seriously, it's been almost a month, they're not getting better in fact it's been getting worse since I started getting treatment and therapy; you have not taken me off my job, so my fingers aren't getting the break they need. And the medicine you've prescribed, which is supposed to be better than ibuprofen...SUCKS! I am in more pain since starting it and experience more swelling. To my red hat (supervisor), who isn't really my red hat and only a substitute, who wants me to bring in a doctors note to verify that I'm actually going to the doctors Monday afternoon...even though I'm not leaving until last break, so a note really isn't required: seriously man, not all doctors appointments can be scheduled in advance. Some t...

We all felt this way at work today.  We have a special run Friday morning, and some products get a different box and label.  Well, there were several that were originally considered 'buy back" - meaning that they go in whatever box they would go in for our product - that ended up coming back to be stuck in the special boxes and labels.  ?!?!?!?!  No idea why they changed their minds on any of it, or who changed their minds specifically whether it was the customer or our office.  It was very irritating, although the supervisor and his helper were the ones that actually did the rework. It's just been a long week at work.  Saws not working right, box lines breaking down, people not wanting to carry their own wieght, but that's all over with now.  Until Monday!  But in the meantime I'm going to enjoy my evening, go see a movie tomorrow, and write write write!  I've been pumping out poetry at an amazing rate, some of it's great stuff too....

Well, this weekend is a three day one. We're having another 'dark' day on Monday. My body says 'yes, yes, yes' but the paycheck says 'no, no, no!' I guess we're just getting as many cows in. It'll change before long and they'll be working us on Saturdays too. Blech! It's not even supposed to be nice this weekend, it's supposed to start raining sometime tomorrow. Not that I really mind. I don't do anything outside anyway. Not much to do here in the trailer court anyway. I do like riding four wheelers up to his parents; they have lots of woods and land. I don't mind going for walks up there. Have some hard decisions to be making shortly. Mom has found herself living alone. Liston finally moved out on his own. Sara was thinking about moving back in, actually has been living there since January...and for whatever reasons she's not sharing with me, she's changed her mind. If some modifications were made, like ...

And may it never happen again. I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've backslidden...to some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged. Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well ...

I don't care what anyone says - just because I live in a trailer, in a trailer park, does NOT make me trailer trash. Sad to say, you can find "trailer trash" in some of the most expensive mansions. The world needs to stop looking at the superficial. The outside trappings. What a person looks like....what they wear...how they sound even....where they live...what their abode looks like. So this trailer isn't going to be much help if a tornado sweeps through...what house is? Seriously. No I don't have a storm shelter...but while we've had tornadoes here before, they're not that often. I was a teen living with my parents the last time this town had one. And that was during the day - I'd be at work...poor Justin would be home and in bed. He'd probably be out in the storm, the goofball...I wouldn't put it past him to try to ride the tornado...oh, who was that? Pecos Bill? I don't remember that tall tale. If a storm were to come at nig...

I must be mad. Truly. I just signed up with Facebook. Like I don't already have enough to do! LOL! Not much going on tonight. Catching up on internet stuff. Haven't gotten to MySpace yet. I forget about that sometimes. Good luck with facebook then huh? I had to remind myself to be grateful tonight for having a job. It's not that I'm not grateful that Monika took the layoff and I got to go back to work. It's not even that I dislike my job. I just don't like going in anymore. Oh well. Like I said to God, I'll get over it. Part of it is the wierd hours, but as Jerry said tonight that's only for a couple more months. He's not even sure what will happen when we go from computer to plate, but he doesn't think they'll eliminate another person....can't lose too many more! I fell in the bathtub Sat. morning. Banged my side up...HUGE black and blue mark...and I'm really kind of achy. But at least I didn't break a rib or an...

If a fish falls out of the water...does it drown on air? I don't know, but I do know that if the aquarium is too crowded...then the fish can drown right in the water. What do you think? Believe it or not - but this question has spawned something of a war at work...and it's not pretty. Some people just have to be right no matter what the cost. I found a neat website...it's full of quotes. Which is good because I was looking for my favorite by Emily Dickenson..."They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." I've already posted it on my MySpace blog, and I'll probably post more there since it's not my "real" blog --- shhhhhh --- don't tell! Off for some sleep. :)

Well.... Mom got rid of her catheter last week. Yay! She has to go back Tuesday for another check up though, and depending on how that goes, she might be going to see Cliff and fam sometime after that. Liston is still in denial over - well, everything. He's even managed to loose his most recent job. No telling on what he plans on doing next. I really am supporting 3 people on my paycheck...it really kind of sucks. Thank God for what Mom gets each month to meet her bankruptcy and mortgage payments. Work is its ever interesting dramatic self. We might be without a nighttime supervisor - again. This is the second one, well third if you count Christina's attempt, in the 2 years that I've been there. Paige, my so called best friend hasn't returned any of my emails in over a week. I know she just had a new grandbaby, but she could at least call. Especially since their car is still in my name and they still owe me money for the last payment. I've threatened to drop it fr...

Mom came home Friday afternoon...with a catheter still in her. Apparently, her arthritis medication has been causing her kidney's to swell and has been the source of her problems. Took them long enough to figure this out. I think they're also going to test her thyroid. That's a family problem, her sister has problems with her's and she said that sometimes that comes with urinary/bladder problems. I have no idea how long she'll need the catheter. My brother who had the milktruck accident 6? years ago has broken his bad leg again ...the leg never healed as strong as it should have, and he keeps breaking it near the knee. He's joked about just having them take it off, but I don't know whether that will be something that will happen or not. My other brother admitted to me the night before Mom came home that the reason why he treats me like shit is because he's sexually attracted to me. ????????????? Somehow apparently it's my fault and so that justifies ...

Liston washed a load of clothes too close to the tiem I had to shower...so it used up the water and I couldn't shower and I missed my PT appointment because I just feel too yucky to just wash up and go onthat through both PT and then work. Blech! My face just feels so greasy...I've got a pimple in the crease of my nose...I think I hate those the worst...and one along the temple. My period's over and done with for a few days now, so perhaps it's just the hot and humid weather. Or maybe I'm just going to have a pimply week. I can't believe they voted Nepharia off of LGS3. They're mad, I tell you. Apparently you have to be nuts or just plani suck to stay alive on that. I hope they didn't vote her off because of my brat attack. I didn't post anything there except those two comments on the post...I kept everything else here on the bitch and vent blog. We've exchanged a couple emails and we made up, which I referenced in the second comment I l...

Moving on to other even less delightful topics. What is up with my self described BFF {best friend forever} not even returning a phone call? Paige hasn't even emailed me this week. I tried calling her last Sunday...Roger talked to me for a little while...but it's been a week and I've heard nothing from Paige. I think that hurts worse than anything Nepharia might have done. All she did was damage my pride...Paige is hurting my heart. But then this is nothing new is it? Life has changed so much in the past few years. It can be hard to handle sometimes. I no longer have the same friends...heck, I'm not even sure I have friends. Not like I used to. That is probably one of the hardest things. Ok, I have to finish an email. I'll probably be back later.

Well, they voted me off of LGS3. Men anyways! And I'm not talking about the judges, although Blackade Boy was just as bad as Simon in my opinion. I'm talking about my teammates! I was beginning to lose sleep over it though, so it's maybe not a bad thing. Simon was the worst. Peckerhead. Jon said he thought I did good though, so that counts for something. I fought with Liston again tonight..and I'm not even sure what it was over. He was probably drunk again. I think he comes home looking for a fight when he's like that. All I asked this weekend while Mom was gone was that he wash ONE drainer full of dishes so I wouldn't have to it all on my own. After all, he eats here too! But he had to bitch about how I dirtied one of the frying pans [I kind of burnt it] and I told him he didn't have to wash that one, that I would do it. But no, he had to start swearing and then we were both yelling. I think he ought to just stay the night at his booze friend...

I need a break from life. I hope that doesn't sounds too depressive. I'm tired of going to work and then coming home and going to sleep, generally after working on one blog post or another. Sleeping on my days off and donig laundry or some other dumb chore. I just want to have some fun, if even for a day or two. I have to wait until September for the Glen trip that the girls were talking about Sunday morning. Far more tame that what Christina was planning for NYCity...but then - oh wait - she's not even invited on this trip! Or the one next year to Tennessee. That'll be cool. Christina isn't invited on that trip either. LGS3 has been trying my talents as a writer. I do tend to rattle on when writing. But then, the last challenge was about the Kobayashi Maru from Star Trek 2, which is basically a battle scene, and I've never been very good at writing those. Bennett says I need to tighten my delivery, but that my post have been generally entertaining. K...

...therapy I mean. That's right. I have to go to physical therapy to recover from my falls back in Feb. Doc K didn't like the x-ray results so he sent me to the Pain Clinic up to RPH who prescribed the PT. Twice a week Oye! And the physical therapist I saw wasn't one bit happy with how stiff I am. He wondered how I was able to do anything at all. I told him: darvocet. I have to keep a constant stream of that stuff in me to be able to function and not be totally distracted by the hurting. Which totally sucks. It does make me a little happier though, so I don't mind when it doesn't cover all the pain. His poking and prodding stirred it all up and so it was a little rough at work last night. I had to do Tina's job, so Boss Jerry was there to do mine and even after I was done with Tina's job and could do my own, he stuck around and lent a helping hand. He even relieved me so I could have a lunch break! {why can't he do that more often??!?!?! lol!...

Well...my sister is in the hospital again. Her bloodpressure went high again, but she is in the early stages of labor! Yay! They're giving her something to help encourage the labor, but if it doesn't kick in soon, they'll send her home. I ask you, does that really make any sense? Last night was wretched at work. Boss Jerry was there, and that means he haunts my plateroom until the Sunday is done. At least A section, then he's not around as much for sports, unless they lallygag about it. I feel like he doesn't trust me to get the job done, but Tempy says that he just wants the paper to be done and over. Whatever. His presence doesn't make things go any faster. Unless those uptown know that he's there. Which they knew tonight. But I've got Sunday and Monday nights off and I'm going to concentrate on my post for LGS3. It's got to be good. I don't want to submit something half par you know. And I've got three new Star Trek boo...

Hmm. I am taking part in a Blog "reality" contest over at Last Gladiator Standing III If nothing else, it'll keep me out of trouble...maybe! In other less exciting news: My x-rays came back yesterday. Or maybe it was Monday. Anyway. There was no evidence of new injury...but apparently there was evidence of an old one...!!!!! Well, to be honest, I'm not surprised. I mean, I have fallen on my backside a total of 6 times since October of 2007...so I guess I can take my pick as to when it happened. Still no baby. Sara was in the hospital over the weekend for high blood pressure, but I guess it was nothing out of the ordinary for a pregnancy. They just hospitialized her for observation. The Midwife said that her body wasn't any where near ready to give birth. I got to see Kirk for a bit tonight. The hero who saved me from needing a jumpstart last week. :) And Tina timed my break just right, I was outside catching some fresh air when Kirk was leaving for the night. I ...

Well, I had a doctors appointment earlier this week. He wouldn't give me a new prescription for darvocet, which is wise b/c one wouldn't want me to get addicted. It's kind of nice to know that he cares enough to have me come in. He had me twist and bend so that he could see where things started hurting...which, since I'd been off the meds since Saturday, it wasn't too much of a stretch before I had to say, "yup, it starts hurting right there." Sooooo, I get to have Xrays on my back. I've been trying for a couple of days to get to the hospital but it hasn't been happening...but it ought to happen later today. AND ~ I even get to have blood work to make sure that the darvocet isn't hurting my liver. While I hate needles, this is probably a good thing too. Blech. Dieting. Sigh. Yeah. When I was at the doc's, I wieghed in at 295. :( That means I gained back almost all of the weight I had lost a few years ago. So...I'm thinking o...

Technically, I only worked 39.5 hours this week, putting me half an hour short. But Supervisor Rob said that I could go and if I was off any, he'd fix my timecard so I'd get a full 40. Which is only fair if you count all the extra "unpaid" minutes I work...you have to punch out after a certain time to get paid the full half hour, usually about ten minutes until the next hour/half hour. And because I busted my butt for him tonight. Sunday Comics was preinserted last Sunday night, and we insert that prepack into TV Guide for another prepack...and it just wasn't running through the inserter last night. So he ran what he could, and two of us were handstuffing comics in while the rest was getting stacked for later. I know that the other two people were switching off and taking turns flying the inserter and hand stuffing...but, I handstuffed an entire cart to their half a cart....!!! What the heck???!!!??? Such is life I guess. My sister Sara is due to have her b...

The fortune cookies all lied. Kirk was never home. Although I will keep trying until I find him home to ask him my question. He is my favorite pressman, even though he was a traitor and went to Dayshift. Can say that I blame him...if I had the chance, so would I! Anything to get away from Christina. Carl....QUIT! However, he did give me his phone number a week ago so at the very least he considered me a friend that he would want to continue being friends with outside of work. He's been unhappy at work for months now, I'm actually a little surprised that he stayed on as long as he did. He was a "no call, no show" though and that doesn't strike me as normal for him. Maybe he was told last time [b/c of car trouble and no cell service] that if it happened again, not to bother to come in...who knows? We do live in a very hilly area where cell service is spotty in some places. Christina was bitching about how it wasn't fair that she had to fly the inserter ...

Not much going on today. Going out to vote in a few. Mom's bitching about doing nothing but dishes for the past two days. Hmmm...I seem to remember having to do that not to long ago so it's all fair to me. Still horny. My favorite Pressman hasn't been home whenever I've wanted to stop in. So now what? Screw the married guy and try him again later? My life sucks.