Window Into My Reality

Well, we had a good Mother's Day. Liston and his girlfriend, me and Justin, our oldest half-sister Glenda, all took Mom to dinner at a local restaurant. Good food, good company. The only glitch in the day was that my sister Sara wasn't able to get her little boy alone for the day, the jerk of a father insisted that they stay at the exchange place. Which was just up the road from where we were all at. So when we were done, we all motored up there to see them. Well, ex-jerk didn't like that so he took their son and left. So I whipped out my camcorder and taped the leavetakings. Ex-jerk doesn't know that. But if she ever needs it to prove that her son would rather be with her, she'll have it. Talk about heartbreaking.

Well, that went well. Justin backed out on me at the last minute. So I went by myself. Yes, Jean-Luc, it is sad that it is needed. I never would have thought that I'd be in a domestically violent relationship. It's really rather depressing, although the underactive thyroid doesn't help with that at all. These are the scratches he gave me the other morning. He hasn't hit me. Yet. But if this continues, it's only a matter of time. I want to see him get the help he needs. In the mean time, I'm going to get the help I need. This is not the Justin I fell in love with. Even my best friend Tempy agrees that this isn't "our" Justin. We want him back. I want him back. :'( Of course, I also want to shake the shit out of him. But more violence isn't the answer.

Well, the best news is that Justin has a job! It's not exactly "new" job, he's gone back to work at the Daily as a pressman. Which unfortunately means that he's on nightshift while I'm on days ... part of me says, BOOOO!!! .... Part of me says, Thank you Jesus! It's a job, which means that there's going to be more money coming into the household again, and since they're paying him more than when he left, it's not that big of a paydrop...although they're not paying him what he's worth, but then they never do. We start couples counseling tomorrow night...if he doesn't back out. He's a stubborn proud man who wants to fix his own problems, but we've been living together for 2 years now and instead of his temper getting better, each episode - however sporadic - is getting worse. I can relate as I used to have a very bad temper myself, I was horrible. I realize that I've got a good 10 years on him, but I was around his ...

Well. Where to begin? I guess at the beginning. On March 23rd we had a snow storm here, and Justin and I were involved in a car accident on the way into work. We were ok, although the passenger of the other vehicle went to the hospital...a pain in her shoulder, though it might have just been an old injury that was aggravated. Anyway, our truck was stuck, the road ahead of us closed because of another accident so we didn't make it to work. Work wouldn't forgive the "point" for being absent and since Justin was maxed out on points, he lost his job. Things have not been easy. He hasn't found another job yet, though he hasn't been looking all that hard. We won't find out for a few more weeks whether he'll be approved for Unemployment...they have to figure out if it was a just firing or not. It wasn't, especially since it was a reportable accident. He wasn't told until the day AFTER that if he'd gone to the hospital to be checked out that...

Finally!! The weekend is here! I am so tired! And I didn't even work 40 hours this week...let;s see...6 on Monday, 7 on Tuesday, 4.5 on Wednesday, 7 on Thursday, 5.5 today{Friday}=30 hours. I left early on Monday for an 'interview' at Dupont, was late on Wednesday, left early today to take Mom to the Packer so she could be "pre-admitted" for her procedure in February. Still, 30 hours in that wretched cold place certainly feels like 40. And then some. Not to mention its COLD on the outside too! The bank temp said 11degrees F on my way home from Mom's. I have new bruises this week from the awkwardness of my work station. Which no one cares about. The Blue Hat, my immediate suprvisor, gave me another product to pull off...so if I have everything, I have the potential to have 8 different products to pull of the line. When I commented about how overwhelmed I was feeling, the answer I got, other than to come to work everyday, was, "If I can do it, I ...

So, we called in to work today...again! This makes about 12 1/2 points for Justin and 11 for me. When we hit 15 we're terminated. I'm a little worried about Justin. I have another job all lined up, though I won't give notice until I'm sure I'm signed on. I don't know why Justin is calling off though...I call if he does, because I don't trust him alone with the puppy Jacalyn...he has a tendancy to not be in control of himself when he gets mad or frustrated...and the last time I left them alone, for an hour and a half, they somehow managed to get doggy poo on our ceiling!!! He still won't tell me how that happened, though I know it had something to do with walking her on the treadmill. Which she doesn't like. !!!! An hour and a half! What would I come home to if I left them alone all day??? I'm going to go work for Caregivers of America. It'll be home health kind of stuff. A little over a dollar pay drop, but it won't be refrigerator temps...

It feels great to be writing again. I've written a few new poems recently, and posted them on my poetry website - or are scheduled to be posted, and I've even found some older poems that will be going up as well. BUT - I've also been looking at my short story Zion's Children again and just put up a new post . I got so wrapped up in reading the story and getting reaquainted with Miri and Byrin that I let my cup of coffee get quite cold! Of course, I'm not sure when the next post will be going up after this, but it feels so good anyway. Justin had to work this morning. Just a 6 hour shift...not even since he was home at noon, but he's gone again. Off to his parents to finish taking our red dodge off the road. Cleaning it out an such. And I think he was getting something else off his mom, a vacuum packer or something. idk. It's the first he'd mentioned it, I decided not to go, even though I've been bitching about how little quality time he spends with m...

And may it never happen again. I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've backslidden...to some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged. Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well ...

Here it is...my 400th post! I think I'm going to be fired from Company Apprentice this week. After all, I was the one in charge of my team this week...and we lost...again. Of course, it goes without saying that the judge is slanted to the other team, he admitted as much in one of the comments from last week. Whatever. I know I'm a great writer. Just because my posts on the blog contest have sucked, doesn't mean anything. I don't know how the others do it, but apparently I just can't balance real life and a pretend reality contest. I mean - I work 40 hours a week...I have chores to do...I have a boyfriend who hogs the computer on his nights off and won't let me on [well, it is his computer! lol!] Thursday night we spent 6-7 hours at my mother's doing laundry. I didn't have time to go online and work on a story. It would have been nice, but I was exhausted and in sore need of sleep. So my post wasn't what I wanted. My teammates posts weren't ...

I think I take my writing too seriously. Or myself. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to participate in "The Company Apprentice" - one of those blog reality show contest thingies. I was far too sensitive during the last one, and have been trying hard to write drivel so that I'm not attached to anything that might draw criticism. Bennett is a notoriously critical person when it comes to judging others, and so I must have been freaking nuts when I said yes. Sometimes I am to damn sensitive for my own good. Who is Koma that I ought to be upset that he's calling my character Ciera a she-devil and banshee. All in good fun to keep people reading I suppose. But still, I know that character and she's not that way. At worst, on these reality blog show things, I tend to potray her as a flirt and such, but she-devil? That's almost as bad as Koma thinking I'm actually a guy pretending to be a girl online. That and either this computer or facebook is g...

I am so blessed. Sometimes I have no idea. Right now, Justin and I have $2 to our name, I need girlie supplies, we need TP and food...but I have a man who is tenderhearted and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. He trusts me enough to let me see his tears. Justin's friend Mo was up for a week, and spent the entire time with us. It was wierd at first, since I didn't know Mo that well, but once the ice was broken things were fine. We chatted and played Runescape while Justin was at work and. The only glitch in it all was that I was ignored a lot when Justin was home. I took it well, after all this is his best friend and he never gets to see him, so I womaned up and let him have his fun time with his friend. After all, Mo was only going to be here for a week. And he did go home today, Justin took him over there to his grandma's...spent too much time there given that he still had to come home and get sleep before he goes into work, but he was trying to get ...

Life has been happening recently. So much so that I just haven't had time to blog. Or answer long emails. Justin and I have been spending a lot of time together in the month we've been dating. I guess we must like each other a little bit. I have to have gallbladder surgery next month, the 13th. I'll probably spend time then catching up wth you all since I won't be able to even drive for the 1st week after the surgery. NOOO!!!! I'll be housebound!!! HELP!!!!!!!! Christina has been giving me attitude for about the past two weeks at work. No reason I can think of, except that I'm happy in life and excelling at work and is probably jealous. She so needs to grow up!! alright, off to do something somewhere...

I'm a little calmer today. Not by much. That asshole I was stupid enough to give my virginity to will not leave me alone. He's requested me as a friend on "Tagged"....yeah, ok, right....It's too little too late....far too late to try to be my friend. Steven: GO AWAY!!!! I have a new boyfriend. Justin's nicer, kinder, gentler....he's more fun to be with...treats me with respect. I fall a little more in love with him each day. Ok, I'm going to bed. I fell at work tonight and am just a little achy in spots.

Every once in a while, I almost think I have an interesting life. Not often, just once in a while. Sunday morning, like, between 4 and 5 am, I get home from putting the Sunday paper together...I flip on the computer, you know, check email and log onto Yahoo Messenger so I can have my weekly chat with Jean-Luc and there was an Add Request...from my EX of all people! It's been almost 2 years since we've even talked...and I've only seen him in passing a handfull of times. Curious, I decide to add him just because I want to see what he wants. Turns out - he just wanted sex. {eyeball roll} Apparently his chicky that he left me for, left him! It couldn't have happened to a nicer fella. After laughing my ass of, I told him - no, I'm not that lonely. Ever ! This after Saturday night on the inserter, Justin yakking my ear off even though there was a coworker in between us. Justin said something to me, that just irritated me...I don't even remember what it was n...

My sister-in-law Liz called last night and wanted someone to ride along with her to WalMart. Well, I was bored and like spending time with her once in a while. We talked about different family issues going on right now. From Liston's attraction, to Duane's possible upcoming leg amputation {Duane's her hubby}. Somewhere in there, our pasts came up. Before marrying my brother, she had a string of lovers...while I didn't even have sex until I was almost 30...at the heart of us, we're really not that different, though I don't know she'd ever see it. Anyway, she made a comment that sometimes she wished that she was more like me...so, dumb-ass that I am, I ask her exactly how she meant that. Her reply? "You've never wanted a steady relationship." Whoa......... When have I ever said that?!?!?!?!?! I would LOVE to find a man who loves me...who wants to know the woman inside as much as much as he wants to fuck the outside woman...just because I haven...

Mom came home Friday afternoon...with a catheter still in her. Apparently, her arthritis medication has been causing her kidney's to swell and has been the source of her problems. Took them long enough to figure this out. I think they're also going to test her thyroid. That's a family problem, her sister has problems with her's and she said that sometimes that comes with urinary/bladder problems. I have no idea how long she'll need the catheter. My brother who had the milktruck accident 6? years ago has broken his bad leg again ...the leg never healed as strong as it should have, and he keeps breaking it near the knee. He's joked about just having them take it off, but I don't know whether that will be something that will happen or not. My other brother admitted to me the night before Mom came home that the reason why he treats me like shit is because he's sexually attracted to me. ????????????? Somehow apparently it's my fault and so that justifies ...

Well, they voted me off of LGS3. Men anyways! And I'm not talking about the judges, although Blackade Boy was just as bad as Simon in my opinion. I'm talking about my teammates! I was beginning to lose sleep over it though, so it's maybe not a bad thing. Simon was the worst. Peckerhead. Jon said he thought I did good though, so that counts for something. I fought with Liston again tonight..and I'm not even sure what it was over. He was probably drunk again. I think he comes home looking for a fight when he's like that. All I asked this weekend while Mom was gone was that he wash ONE drainer full of dishes so I wouldn't have to it all on my own. After all, he eats here too! But he had to bitch about how I dirtied one of the frying pans [I kind of burnt it] and I told him he didn't have to wash that one, that I would do it. But no, he had to start swearing and then we were both yelling. I think he ought to just stay the night at his booze friend...

Well, that was short lived. Kirk didn't the note until Tuesday morning. Sigh. Now I'll have to find out why he didn't look happy Tuesday night when I saw him. Did something in my note piss him off...or was he upset b/c I didn't show?

I feel so lonely right now. I go to work with the same people night after night. None of them know me really. Not who I really am. Oh, they all like me, and are amused at some of my antics. They especially like it when I give myself a sugar high. But no one ever wants to look beneath the surface of the facade I give them. I have to give them that facade, because if there is anything that I learned from my time at First Baptist is that no one wants to see beyond it...such nakedness frightens people. I suppose that I am faced with the same facades in others. Christina brags about how she is only really open with a few people. That came from a conversation we had about why she was being nasty to me. I wasn't asking her to be "open" with me...as I can see far deeper into her than she would probably like...I was just asking that she treat me decently! Anyway. Some people I would be interested in getting to know better, others I already know too well. I live with the same peopl...

The fortune cookies all lied. Kirk was never home. Although I will keep trying until I find him home to ask him my question. He is my favorite pressman, even though he was a traitor and went to Dayshift. Can say that I blame him...if I had the chance, so would I! Anything to get away from Christina. Carl....QUIT! However, he did give me his phone number a week ago so at the very least he considered me a friend that he would want to continue being friends with outside of work. He's been unhappy at work for months now, I'm actually a little surprised that he stayed on as long as he did. He was a "no call, no show" though and that doesn't strike me as normal for him. Maybe he was told last time [b/c of car trouble and no cell service] that if it happened again, not to bother to come in...who knows? We do live in a very hilly area where cell service is spotty in some places. Christina was bitching about how it wasn't fair that she had to fly the inserter ...