Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Misc. Updates

First and foremost...Yes, I am still alive.

I'm waiting for the spaghetti to get done so that I can go to bed. I have to be back into work at 9...even though I worked until 10p tonight. It's not "life or death" work accorcding to the one supervisor...but the other one seems to disagree. The job must get done...even if I keel over in the process apparently. They just send me one job after the other and expect it all to get done and have a cow if it's not. If I weren't going back to nights, I do think I'd walk away.

We started going from Computer To Plate recently, so it ought to be easier to get crap done. And I also get to go back to nights...eventually. 'Some time' after Thanksgiving is what I've been told. Christmas might come sooner. It'll be nice to be on a closer schedule with Justin.

Sometimes I feel like all we get to do is say "Hi" and "Bye" to each other. That's middle of the week, but time on the weekends isn't always abundant either. Of course, he's a man and doesn't always get that I miss him. Although there are times when he's as moody as any woman!!! He got pissed at me one night and threw one of our cats out the door! And 2 days later when it came back ---- I let it back in.

I'm not sure what's worse...not climaxing during sex...or dreaming about sex and not climaxing then either!!!! I hate those dreams, I really do. At least the last few times that we've been intimate it's been goooooood.

Can a person be too secure in their sexuality? I commented on a woman's boyd one night in a movie we were watching ... it was a nice body ... and Justin looks at me like I'm nuts. I wasn't saying I'd want to have sex with the woman, just that she had a nice body. I was a bit envious too. Justin doesn't understand how warped a woman's perspective of her body can be. You can't tell me that Justin would love for me to be thinner and shaplier ---- I mean, I'd like to be that way myself!

It's just that I'm so tired that I don't feel like excercising...we don't always have the money to eat healthy. I'll never lose wieght living on spaghetti. But it's food and one must live.

Ok, speaking of spaghetti...it's done and I'm going to have a wee bit before I go to bed.

Oh, can you believe I've just now gotten around to reading Harry Potter? Just finished the first book and can't help but wonder what the big deal so many Christians have with it. Anyway. That's another subject for another time I think.

I also found one of my old college friends on facebook...awesome!!

Well, now that's out of the way...how are you?


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Weekend that was

And may it never happen again.

I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've backslidden...to some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged.

Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well aware that he's young yet and wants to experiment. I do think that he's senitive enough to my feelings that he wouldn't go to overboard; especially in light of what happened this past weekend.

His best friend Mo was up for the weekend, and sad to say they're probably no lnger best friends. I'm not sure if Mo is just a lightweight, whether his autism makes this so, or whether he just had to much...but Mo can't hold his liquor. And when he gets drunk...he gets wierd. And Justin had never seen that before. I saw a little bit Friday night when I came home from work, but since I was sober, I ignored most of it and deflected the conversation each time he tried to get offended over something I said.

I should have seen the warning signs and put an end to their drinking plans for the rest of the weekend. But hindsight is 20/20.

So, everything was ok Saturday. We were all having drinks and nothing got out of hand...although I do have several bruises from wrestling with Justin [I need to learn to 'cry uncle' sooner! lol]

Sunday night/Monday morning was a different matter. I had a few drinks of vodka and kool-aid and went to bed early because Monday morning is my earliest morning --- I have to be at work at 8am. About 4:30am there is this loud crash that wakes me up...we're still not sure what Mo dropped...I've had a sore muscle in my neck ever since. For some reason, I never really drifted back off completely. I could still hear them and just before 6 I decided to get up, an hour earlier than my alarm was set because -- really, what was the point. And that was just about when the shit hit the fan.

Justin's still not sure what started it, but Mo started getting wierd...which kind of wierded Justin out so he tried calling an end to the night and sending Mo to bed. Well, Mo instisted he was ok and he wasn't drunk [wasted off his ass is more like it] and the next thing I know, Mo is trying to leave and Justin is restraining him because he doesn't want his friend to get hurt. Mo's fists flew...several times. Mo talked trash...called Justin gay...alien...pretty much everything but white. Justin did get some blows of his own in, but nothing like what he was getting...he really was more sober than Mo and was remaining calm...though his patience was wearing thin towards the end. Mo tried to convince me through all this that I would be better off with him than Justin because Justin doesn't love me, he neglects me and he's gay...blah blah blah.

Well, wasn't that interesting?! Oh really?

I really should have called his grandparents, or the cops, sooner. That 20/20 hindsight again. At the time I was too scared to think straight or obey my instincts. I mean, I told Mo just the day before that....that although I put on a pretty good brave front, I'm really a very timid person. I've been assaulted before...one uncle groped me, one brother put me in a headlock, another brother has given me a black eye. Mo kept whining that I wasn't doing anything to help him...uhm, duh! I was trying to stay out of their way! They're both over 6ft tall....I'm only 5'7 on a good day...and I know that Justin could wipe the floor with me if he wanted...there was NO WAY I was going to get in the middle of that!

Justin is not perfect...he admits that he takes me for granted...and ignores me sometimes. But he makes up for it. Like when Mo threatened to kill me...Justin said that Mo'd have to go through him first. Probably would have said that about anyone Mo would have threatened at that point, he's that kind of guy. But for him to have said that to his best friend, about a girl of all things, says a lot.

I'm not sure if the boys are going to make up. Justin thinks that once Mo sobers up and calms down, that things will go back the way that they were. As much as I don't want to see Justin hurt, I don't think that would be a good idea. I think Justin has out grown his friend, several of them, and he doesn't see it yet. I don't think Mo is a good influence...and I think that Mo is jealousof Justin. After all...Justin's only a year older and has his own money, own place, and a woman who treats him well. Mo's "girlfriend" is a middle age woman older than his mother...while I'm ok with the entire older woman thing [I'm 11 years older than Justin after all] I think having someone older than you're own mother is not very healthy...especially since Mo's a functioning autistic who according to his mom is emotionally 14-15...sober...2 when drunk. I've though back to some of Mo's "joking" comments....about how if he and Justin ever got really mad at each other what a knock down drag out fight they would have [wonder if it lived up to his expectations?]...about how everything is a competition between them, including me "just joking"...and I can't help but wonder if maybe Mo was looking for a fight?????

I'm glad it's over. There's still emotional fallout to deal with. I still feel emotionally bruised over it. I know Justin's still bothered. Neither one of us is sleeping well. I'm trying to deal with my own fears...and trying to help him and not mother hen him...it's not easy. He spent the afternoon with another emotionally disturbed friend...one who has no problem burning Justin with cigarettes or slashing him with a knife...and I'm wondering why Justin has so many friends who abuse him and take advantage of him. I know he's naive and doesn't see it. I wish he would.

I liked Mo...I like this other guy...but I like Justin more...and I want to see him with friends who lift him up and not drag him down.


On a different note...here's a pic I took of myself just the other night on my cellphone.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Trailer Trash

I don't care what anyone says - just because I live in a trailer, in a trailer park, does NOT make me trailer trash.

Sad to say, you can find "trailer trash" in some of the most expensive mansions.

The world needs to stop looking at the superficial. The outside trappings. What a person looks like....what they wear...how they sound even....where they live...what their abode looks like.

So this trailer isn't going to be much help if a tornado sweeps through...what house is? Seriously. No I don't have a storm shelter...but while we've had tornadoes here before, they're not that often. I was a teen living with my parents the last time this town had one. And that was during the day - I'd be at work...poor Justin would be home and in bed. He'd probably be out in the storm, the goofball...I wouldn't put it past him to try to ride the tornado...oh, who was that? Pecos Bill? I don't remember that tall tale. If a storm were to come at night...I'd probably sleep right through it anyway.

I'm just not that worried about it. Why should I?

Like I said to the jerk on facebook....I have a roof over my head. There are too many people in this world that don't have that much. And I live with a great guy. He drives me freakin' nuts sometimes...but it's all good. He has a good heart. More stubborn than me, but that's ok! Not everyone has someone - I didn't for a long time and I can appreciate that.

Man looks on the outside, but God looks inward. So he said to the prophet Samuel when he was checking out Jesse's boys trying to find the one God wanted to be the next king of Israel. I guess all of David's brothers were better looking....at least they looked more regal. We all need to take that lesson from God. No we can't see all they way inside to a person's heart like He can, but we can look beneath the surface if we try.

I've still got that lesson to learn, I know, I know. I'm just as bad. I guess I don't like it when I'm on the other side! LOL! Ah, well...I'm not dead yet, so there's hope for me yet! :-D

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Always the Walkers

Yes Jean-Luc, The Visitation is a favorite book of mine. While it is fiction and not Gospel...there's a lot of Gospel truth in the book.

The scene: a hardware store, a few days after the angel sitings have started and the crucifix started weeping.

The players: Travis Jordan and the owner, Matt Kiley.

Matt was a Vietnam vet who came home paralyzed. Of course, people were urging him to go down to the Catholic church to touch the crucifix to be healed of his disability. Matt's a little disgruntled with it all. "Like all I have to do is look up at that crucifix and believe, and that'll do it." A little later on, he says to Trav - "Funny. I made some friends at the VA hospital, I've met some other folks in wheelchairs, and we got along fine. They never told me to go down and look at some crucifix or wash in some special kind of water or say some kind of magic prayer words. It's always the walkers who know what you need."

Now - do not get me wrong. I believe that God heals in strange and miraculous ways. It's all throughout the Bible, and even in today He has not changed. I also believe that God's goal is to have everyone healed...It's what Jesus did when He walked on this earth. That isn't the point of this paragraph or my thoughts.

It seems that it's always the healthy that knows what the sick person needs. Sometimes, this is true as that healthy person has been there and done that. But how many times is the person who is healthy never had a physical ailment? They've never known disability. They've never known disillusionment. They've never endured the silence of God. So then - who are they really to counsel, judge, criticize, those who are sick, those who are bitter, heartbroken. If you've never been in that spot...how can you know what they're really truly going through? And how can you know the answer?

And who are they to question what God is up to? Exodus 4:11 - So the Lord said to him, "Who has made man's mouth? Or who makes the mute, the deaf, the seeing, or the blind? Have not I, the Lord?" In no way am I saying that God wishes ill on His creation. BUT - what if there's a point to all the suffering? To movitate the Church to good works. Sometimes to participate in miraculous healings...and sometimes to just help that person endure their tribulation. To encourage them that they're going to make it.

I know that there are many people who would view me as a backsliding Christian. I've even joked about it. They would tell me that all I need is to read my bible and pray and have a quiet time with God everyday. There's nothing wrong with that and I used to do it all the time. I am just tired and God understands this. I have read scripture to the point where I've memorized the gist and sometimes the words. I work mainly by myself during the week - above the sounds of the machines all I have is quiet....not to mention the hours alone I have in the trailer when Justin is at work. My faith has become something between me and Him and right now intruders [and well meaning idiots] aren't welcome.

There may come a day when this quiet volcano erupts within me and I walk in His power and presence in greater measure than I once did - but the timing is up to Him. I'm not going to force it...and no one else is going to either. Since moving into the trailer, I've already sensed a difference in me. I can't explain it. I just know that although the church brands me a sinner for not standing in front of a crowd and getting a legal document ---- I have a peace about this relationship and this move. And I know that God's hand is on my life.

Hmm, I've been long winded the past couple of days. Sorry! This is what happens when I read books and think deep thoughts! lol

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I'm presently reading The Visitation by Frank Peretti. Again. I've lost count of how many times I've read this book over the years since I bought it. Had to have been...yeah, not sure. It was released in 1999, but I know I didn't get it until it had been out a while. Overall I'm a fan of Peretti's writing...although there have been a couple I got so into that I couldn't go to sleep with the lights out afterwards! This one isn't one of those, although I'm definitely into the book.

Each time I read it, I discover something new....understand bits and pieces better.

I've been putting this reading off for a while. Can't really explain why. My eye had fallen on it a few times since unpacking my books at the beginning of June...but no, I had to read three other series first [for the curious: Firebird Trilogy, Prairie Winds Trilogy, Legends of the Guardian-King series] But when I was placing the last book on the shelf, I went ahead and grabbed Visitation. And it is hitting home like it never has before.

In short: Antioch is being visited by a man that looks like Jesus, almost but not quite claims to be Him, is doing miracles left and right, and pretty much winning over the town. But not everyone is buying his act, mainly the protagonist Travis Jordan...who started out as a fired up Pentecostal preacher...and is now resigned, looking forward to teaching 6th grade in the fall. The story flashes between the present, and Travis' past, his teen years, meeting his wife, their first pastorate, etc...and how right now, he's pretty much disillusioned with the entire church scene. And yeah, he's still hurting because his wife died...despite all the prayers and faith healers they went to.

Now, I've not lost my spouse. I've never been a pastor. But regardless, a lot of Travis' past hits a chord with me.

Because I've been in the same types of services...dealt with the same types of people...been that type of person he's had to deal with!...dealt with the same disappointments. I'm dealing with being 'outside' the church looking in. I've been put down because I'm different, like the youth at his first pastorate...because "this is the way we've always done things and this is how we're gonna keep doing them..."

Like his sister Rene says early in the book, I might have left the church, but I never left God. It's all just...stuff. {that's not a direct quote, sorry the book's in the living room and I'm too much of a bum right now to go get it!} There's a difference. Church stuff is nice...but it's just stuff. It doesn't replace a relationship with Jesus...but it can displace it. The stuff can kill you if you let it...along with all that judgment from others if you're not doing ALL the stuff, ALL the time, the right way [their way].

And it was killing me. All the judgment from the last church I went to, my best friend's judgments [although she would deny it]...the pressure to fit someone else's mold of what a good Christian girl ought to be instead of being allowed to be the woman God made me...was suffocating me. I know that I hear from God...I might not be the best at timing, or knowing when something is just for me or for sharing...but I know that I know that I hear from God. But because I'm a single woman that was going to church where their were nor strong women anointed in hearing from God, I made a lot of mistakes that weren't forgiven - at least not by certain aspects of leadership...or friends.

Well, I can't get over it for them. That's between them and God.

In the meantime, I can allow Him to heal what's been broken...grow what He's planted in His time...and learn from the spot I'm at.

Even if I do feel a little like a flower trying to bloom in the desert.

There's something in that, I think. Maybe I'll post more on it, and this book some more later. Right now I've got to stretch my legs.

And Jean-Luc: a lot of my poems get written at 2am! I might be a sort of day shift person on the job, but at the heart of me is the night owl!

Sunday, August 09, 2009

400th Post

Here it is...my 400th post!

I think I'm going to be fired from Company Apprentice this week. After all, I was the one in charge of my team this week...and we lost...again. Of course, it goes without saying that the judge is slanted to the other team, he admitted as much in one of the comments from last week.


I know I'm a great writer. Just because my posts on the blog contest have sucked, doesn't mean anything. I don't know how the others do it, but apparently I just can't balance real life and a pretend reality contest. I mean - I work 40 hours a week...I have chores to do...I have a boyfriend who hogs the computer on his nights off and won't let me on [well, it is his computer! lol!] Thursday night we spent 6-7 hours at my mother's doing laundry. I didn't have time to go online and work on a story. It would have been nice, but I was exhausted and in sore need of sleep. So my post wasn't what I wanted. My teammates posts weren't what I wanted either...but since I was in charge, I'm sure the blame will be laid at my feet. Maybe I should have been more specific in my desires for their post, but apparently they had something else in mind. Oh well.

Like I said, I know I'm a great writer...I just suck at 1st person "reality" posts...lol!

I had a terrible dream the other night...it was odd. Like it was a movie of my life...I was being played by Sally Field and Justin was being played by Martin Mull of all people! I was finding out that I couldn't have babies. :'( Justin was upset merely because I was upset [he doesn't want kids anyways]...but it was nice to know that he was upset even if it was just because I was upset. Wierd. I'm not even sure what he's say if I were to tell him about the dream.

Oddly enough though, he has had dreams about me and kids. Tempy thinks that it's not so much that he doesn't want kids, but that he doesn't want to face a custody battle someday. Well, duh...make sure he keeps me for starters! Dork. But even if we did split up, I wouldn't deny him access to any kids we might have by accident.

If I can have kids.

I've always been afraid of that. I don't know why. Probably the devil playing on my fears. But we have been having unprotected sex for almost a year now and it hasn't happened. Well, we're both still young, so it could still happen. If he decides he wants one and I can have one. There's always adoption though.

Sorry, I guess I'm letting my fears get a hold of me. Kind of feels better to share though.

I guess. A trip to facebook and then maybe Runescape. I got up too late to go to bed this early. It's gonna bite me in the arse come Monday morning though! Like that'd be the first time!

While I am grateful for having a job - I really do not like dayshift...or the split-shift. Maybe it would be different if it was all dayshift but it's not and it gets tiring. And then on the weekends, I revert back to the nightshift schedule to be with Justin.

Such is life.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

And another year passes...

Well, I've survived another birthday.

It was a wretched day as well that started out with me realizing that we were out of brake fluid again - therefore no brakes...and me standing in the pouring rain in the lower parking lot of the trailor court filling it back up. And still almost wrecking on the way to work, again.

And it didn't get any better from there.

But...if any of that flour that Mom has stockpiled is any good, I'm gonna bake this weekend..............................I'll be sure to bake myself a cake!

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Red Sonja

I just realized that my character that I write on one of my other blogs, is a Red Sonja type. I honestly had no idea. Never heard of her until Koma made a crack about it in one of his posts over at Company Apprentice...and I just had to look it up to see what the heck he was talking about. It was an intersting read, to be sure. I even found a few good pics I could use too. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's not like she is Red Sonja...just happens to dress kind of like her and has red hair. The story line is completely different. Once this reality blog is over, I'll be able to get back to Ciera. I created a new character - "Lt. Hawk-Eyes" - and I have no idea how he really fits in yet. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing either...just gonna stretch my creativity a bit. Like this realiy blog thingy is. Sheesh, it's almost more stress than what it's worth. At least I'm not up for being fired this week, even though my team lost. I hope Koma doesn't get fired though - as much as his character antagonizes me, I don't want him to go yet. Bennett was right, this week was his best story telling ever.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Too seriously

I think I take my writing too seriously. Or myself.

I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to participate in "The Company Apprentice" - one of those blog reality show contest thingies. I was far too sensitive during the last one, and have been trying hard to write drivel so that I'm not attached to anything that might draw criticism. Bennett is a notoriously critical person when it comes to judging others, and so I must have been freaking nuts when I said yes.

Sometimes I am to damn sensitive for my own good. Who is Koma that I ought to be upset that he's calling my character Ciera a she-devil and banshee. All in good fun to keep people reading I suppose. But still, I know that character and she's not that way. At worst, on these reality blog show things, I tend to potray her as a flirt and such, but she-devil? That's almost as bad as Koma thinking I'm actually a guy pretending to be a girl online.

That and either this computer or facebook is giving me a hard time as well. Maybe I ought to just stick to Runescape.

But you know. Bennet's writer tells me not to take the criticism too harshly because he's overdoing it for the blog. That I can handle. Koma telling me to keep myself seperate from my character is harder --------- I get to be all that I can't be in real life through her. I have a freedom of expression on my Ciera blog. It's the same reason I like Runescpae ------- where else can I walk around carrying a black scimitar? I mean, really!! Where else can I fly around space, having all sorts of neat adventures???


I don't run into trouble until I try these reality thingies. Maybe I ought to just stick to my own blog.


Sunday, July 12, 2009


I am so blessed. Sometimes I have no idea. Right now, Justin and I have $2 to our name, I need girlie supplies, we need TP and food...but I have a man who is tenderhearted and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me.

He trusts me enough to let me see his tears.

Justin's friend Mo was up for a week, and spent the entire time with us. It was wierd at first, since I didn't know Mo that well, but once the ice was broken things were fine. We chatted and played Runescape while Justin was at work and. The only glitch in it all was that I was ignored a lot when Justin was home. I took it well, after all this is his best friend and he never gets to see him, so I womaned up and let him have his fun time with his friend. After all, Mo was only going to be here for a week.

And he did go home today, Justin took him over there to his grandma's...spent too much time there given that he still had to come home and get sleep before he goes into work, but he was trying to get in every last minute. And so he comes home, and we lay down in bed...him to sleep, me to just be with him for a few minutes. And Justin says to me that he was sorry that he was ignoring me this week [Mo must have said something] and I just leaned in a kissed his cheek and said that it was ok and that I understood. And that's when I noticed he was leaking tears out his eyes. Once I made certain that it was just Mo leaving that was bothering him, I hugged him close, told him that I loved him and wiped the tears away as they fell.

I have to admit, I kind of miss Mo myself a little bit. Mo is a special young man and likable. He's a functioning Autistic and is a trip to talk to.

Still, I'm glad to have my man back to myself for a little while.

Speaking of which, I have to go make something for his lunch tonight and then wake him in about an hour.

ps ~ just spoke with J about it, Mo didn't say anything to him about J ignoring me...he realized it all on his own. Aww.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

We'll see

Well...Todd claims he was trying to be witty. uh-huh...ok. We'll buy that for now, especially since he did apologize and suggest that we start over. Good idea. Don't trust him one bit, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Ok. It's late and I'm going to bed.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Facebook Fun?

When I joined Facebook, I received a couple of greetings about 'welcome to facebook fun'. I had no intention of Facebook being a replacement for this blog...I was not going to share anything deep there, just going to keep it light and fun...maybe reconnect with some people from high school....

Well. So much for that thought.

I posted some pics that I had taken of Justin with my cell, to show people what the goofball looks likes because I've got friends who've never met him and my fifth grade English teacher was like, "Who's Justin?" So I got his brilliant idea to do a little facebook post about who he was--and in the spirit of keeping it light I made a comment that he was going to kill me when he got home and discovered that I had broken our last glass drinking cup but oh well because that's how the cookie crumbles...and this freakin' idiot from high school makes this 'deep' comment about 'breaking glass, cookies crumbling: destructive' ...WTF? So my fifth grade English teacher makes comment to his comment, about that kind of stuff happeneing, it's called life. {Way to go Miss Myfelt!} And this idiot replies with 'yeah, life is destructive'...double WTF?! So I write up this nice reply about how that's "only if you let it" plus a few other tidbits and again, this moron can't just say that he's glad that I'm happy, he has to continue with this crap - this time I got a circle of life line...grasshopper eats grass, frog eats grasshopper' etc....Seriously, wtf is wrong with this man....we haven't spoken since Graduation night when he fucked me over to make his mother happy [can anyone say "momma's boy" in a non-nice way?] I was no threat to his relationship with his girlfriend, despite my crush on him, I was happy with our 'just friends' status. I spent more years than I care to recount deeply depressed because of the crap that happened that night. I don't talk about it because it's in the past, a long time in the past and I no longer feel the pain the same way that I did...now it's like, "Todd who?"

And now, fifteen years later, his first words to me are about how destructive I am and the rest of this crap? On Facebook where I was trying to keep it all light and fun - because this place here is where I let loose and vent and be honest about everything regardless of how petty, ignorant, immature it might make me look. Because I get over it after I've vented and move on. Whether that will work this time, I don't know...because it's an ongoing issue still. I basically told him off in my last reply to his idiotic comment. Seriously, how did a post about my boyfriend turn into that crap? I told him that if he couldn't say anything nice to me, like "I'm glad you're happy" then to not say anything at all.

If this keeps up, I'm going to have to delete him. My own fault for testing the waters to see what 15 years had done ... not enough apparently. Not for him anyways. What an idiot. Thinking - I've never been more grateful to have that asshole out of my life!

Wow, apparently I've grown up just a little bit.

Just a little.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Perchance To Dream

I was looking through an old journal last week, and couldn't help but notice how hung up I used to be on my dreams. I dunno, maybe it was my 'dream journal' for all I can remember now. Do I believe that God can and does speak to people [me] through their dreams? Absolutely! The dream I have below is an example of that...and one worth remembering as far as I'm concerned. Something I've found as I've been going through old emails. It's dated Sept. 19, 2006.

I dreamt about Jesus this morning. About what it might have been like to fellowship at a meal with Him. I know that it wasn't like the bible times, but He and His disciples where sitting around a picnic table at the shore...there was a bonfire going. Some of the people around the table were His disciples from then...some were people I knew from today. I remember peaking around the corner...watching the fun and listening to the laughter...being jealous because Mary Magdalen was out there...and then Jesus saw me and beckoned for me to join them...I remember getting to set at the end of the table, near Jesus. Then we were fishing. The waters were a bit rough at first, but Jesus was having a blast being out on the waters with His friends. I remember helping Peter cast the net over the side and then dragging it back in, full of little fish. I'm not sure if the fish were close to the surface or if we were fishing in shallow waters, which wouldn't make sense since we were in a boat for crying out loud, but you know dreams...we were also close to shore where we were fishing.

It's not that hard of a dream to figure out, if you know any of your Bible anyways. Jesus was beckoning me to come closer...letting me know that I was every bit as loved as Mary Magdalen. And she's right up there with Mary of Bethany, you know. MM was a sinner...and she knew just how much she had been set free from [7 demons] and knew just how much she had been forgiven and how much she was loved. She was as much a disciple/follower as the guys were. Jesus didn't shut women out of His entourage. He welcomed them as much as He did the little children. You see, the women got it. They knew what He was saying. The women who annoited Him with perfume and oil days before His crucifixion knew that He was talking about His own death...while the guys were squabbling over who among them was the greatest.

John knew how much he was loved to...in his entire Gospel he never once refers to himself by his name...he called himself "His beloved disciple" or just Beloved. John knew that he was loved and accepted to the depth of his being. He didn't give two shits about the other guy, he just knew that he was secure in the arms of grace. By that, I'm refering to Peter's quetion at the Lake, during the breakfast after Jesus' resurrection when Jesus gave him commands "Feed my sheep" etc...and Peter asks, "Well, what about him?" actually refering to John. Jesus replied,"What is that to you?"

When Jesus calls us, it's something personal. It's a relationship with Him...not everybody in the church. It's a romance. He wants to draw you deeper into Him...who He is a Savior, God, and yes, a friend. Jesus didn't walk this earth as some holier-than-thou teacher with an attitude, because He really is Holy than any of us...He genuinely liked the people He was hanging out with. Even Judas, had Judas been able to see what was really going on, had he been able to accept the divine call and love. Jesus, as a man, was a guy you could relax around...even though He was/is the Creator of the universe and could blast you with fire and brimstone if He wanted. How you can relax around that, is really nothing short of a miracle itself!

When I think of how often I was walking on pins and needles at that last church I went to, I cringe. How much of it was fed into by leadership and how much of it was actually Paige's paranoia, I don't know. I may never know. But regardless...that's not what Jesus saved me for, not what He called me into. He saved me, called me, however you want to put it...because He loves me...He sees all that I am, the good the bad and the ugly...and loves me anyway...with a passion and depth I don't always grasp. And that's how He wants me to look at other people. I don't always succeed - a flaw I know that I"m not alone in having.

And He wants to be my friend. Me of all people!

Someone I can talk to...no holds barred. Someone I can depend on. Someone I can trust.

Even when I can't see Him, or hear Him, or feel Him. I've had enough moments in my life to know that He's always there. Always waiting for me to need Him, want Him.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

A lol

Here's something funny that I read in one of the paper's that I plated last week:

"The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He aquired his size from eating too much pi." author unknown

I have two more, but I'm too pooped to find them. I think I'm going to bed early.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Must be...

I must be mad. Truly. I just signed up with Facebook. Like I don't already have enough to do! LOL!

Not much going on tonight. Catching up on internet stuff. Haven't gotten to MySpace yet. I forget about that sometimes. Good luck with facebook then huh?

I had to remind myself to be grateful tonight for having a job. It's not that I'm not grateful that Monika took the layoff and I got to go back to work. It's not even that I dislike my job. I just don't like going in anymore. Oh well. Like I said to God, I'll get over it. Part of it is the wierd hours, but as Jerry said tonight that's only for a couple more months. He's not even sure what will happen when we go from computer to plate, but he doesn't think they'll eliminate another person....can't lose too many more!

I fell in the bathtub Sat. morning. Banged my side up...HUGE black and blue mark...and I'm really kind of achy. But at least I didn't break a rib or anything like that.

Ok. I've had enough for right now. ttyl.

Saturday, June 20, 2009


I am disturbed. Upset. Out of sorts.

Grossed right out.

I try not to post twice a day, because that just seems too much to me. But I have to talk to someone now. Even though you can't talk back. I have to vent.

I just chatted with a cousin of mine. BLOOD RELATION cousin. No steps, no halfs, no inbetweens. And I'm pretty sure he was coming onto me. He says he was joking....two paragraphs after saying how he would have done me at Easter time...and later telling me how he wished we'd had the chance to fool around when we were younger.

Ok, I did a lot of naughty things when I was younger [read - a kid still] that I regret. But I've gotten over it. I've laid it all out to the Lord, I know He's forgiven me, and it no longer haunts me like it used to. Like Justin says "You were young. So what."

But, anything naughty between me and this cousin would NOT be on my conscience because he's the one that's older. And unfortunately, whatever happened in the trailor - I don't remember it in the detail that he does, thank God - is still on his mind. And for some reason he felt the need to tell me about it. I will never tell him this, but I feel so dirty right now. I even mentioned Justin a time or two {uhm, yeah cousin about that - I have a man already}...and I swear at least once he was trying to oneup Justin and try to prove that he'd be better in bed - thank God this was all over the internet and nothing happened in person. I'm sorry he's having problems with his cheating wife, and that ever since his vasectomy he's ultra-horny, but that's the it of it! There's nothing I can about it or ever will.

Yes, I had crushes on my cousins when I was growing up. I was young - and my cousins were the only boys that really ever played with me. Of course, they had to because they were my cousins. lol!

Still, I am disturbed. I'll get over it and I'm feeling a little better already. Sort of. I mean, I almost feel like there is something wrong with me - I've had 2 blood relations come onto me in the past year. EEEEEEWWWWW.

I'm going to get off of here and go read my book.

Friday, June 19, 2009


This is my late night. I don't have to work tomorrow, so I drove the truck home and will go back to get Justin about 4am...unless he calls me to come early. They were having press problems when I left, so I'm thinking that's just not going to happen. I was just chatting with a friend on AIM and was telling how on the weekends I slip back to Justin's sleep schedule. After all, it used to be mine as well!

I did get one thing accomplished last night. I went through all the poems on my poetry blog and got them all labeled. Very cool. I forgot how good my poetry can be.

Of course, it put the spark in me for another poem. I might work on that later.

I have no idea if I'm going to get any of Justin's attention this weekend or not. I tried so hard Thursday afternoon but he was busy doing stuff online. Whatever. One of the tires on the truck is going soft :( which is always a bummer. I guess they all need to be replaced for it to pass inspection though. And a bumper. I wonder why that is. Oh well.

That reminds me, I have to get the address on my driver's license and truck registration changed. I might try to do that online now. Especially since it's on my mind.


Thursday, June 18, 2009

And so it is...

That I sit here and wonder. Wonder what, I don't know exactly. Too many things all at once...maybe that's why I get headaches...lol!

Aw, I just sit here bored. Justin is at work and it's just me and the stupid cats and they're not very good company. I've done the dishes, all that remains is to dry them and put stuff away. I suppose I could sweep, but I don't feel up to it right now...ok, I just don't want to. Maybe later.

I have answered emails, could probably go through some of the archived ones. I've phoned a few old friends. Talked over an hour with the one. I'll probably just do what I'm doing now...sit here and wonder and think while I cruise the net. I might pull out some stories and work on them.

I have to check my bank account, see if my check's gone in. Although since Justin forgot to take my debit card with him, it's not going to put gas in the truck unless he speeds home on lunch. I wonder if he'll call me like he did last night. It sucks being on a different shift from him sometimes. Most of the time. Maybe he'll get home ok with what he has in the truck, it was almost to the line just above the E but not quite.

Work was interesting today, it was busy for a Thursday, even though I was only there for 6 hours. Almost all of the jobs were the long 34 inch papers. That's a long negative let me tell you! But it went fine. I did have to come off of my lunch break early to fix a negative, which kind of irked me. Don't stand there and rush me when you cut my lunch time short. oh well, I made up for it by not doing a whole lot my last half hour - did some emails and computer work.

Gonna cut this short, don't want to bore people to death---I want you to come back after all!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


Hey! I've done moved again! Justin and I have been in our own place since June 1st...we just got our internet up and running. I still haven't found everything packed away from last time yet. Go fig. More later, I have to go to bed.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Short and Sweet...sort of...

Well, I was laid off for what...two weeks? Give or take. I was called back to work yesterday afternoon. The only thing is...it's going to be dayshift because Monika is going to take the layoff instead. I'd rather work nightshift in the mailroom than dayshift in the plateroom...just because I like nightshift better. It has nothing to do with the people, it's that the work is different and to be honest....I'm a night person! I don't like getting up early. Oh well. Maybe they'll let me switch back before too long. I mean we are going to be changing things in the plateroom which means that they won't be needing quite the same coverage. Part of the reason I was laid off to start with...only part of.
In other exciting news...Justin and I should be moving into our own trailer sometime this weekend, or early next week. Yay! It's going to suck with us working different shifts, but we'll figure it out.
I've been working on fowarding myself pics and stuff off my mom's computer so I don't loose them when I move. Justin does have a computer, so I'll be able to do stuff on his once we get our phone and internet hooked up.
I'll try to keep you all updated more often, and eventually I'll get back to writing again.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009


I feel crowded.

And bored.

Four people in a three bedroom trailor is too much.

Not going to write much, as I'm going to bed shortly. I'll only be there for about an hour and then Justin will have to get up and go to work...he's been on dayshift all this week and hasn't that been interesting. I can't wait until we're almost on the same sleeping schedule again. So I'm going to go try to sneak in and not wake him.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Another one bites the dust...

Never a dull moment I said, right?


I was laid off from my job last night. I'd been there about 45 minutes when Jerry came to get me. I knew that we were probably going to lose a person in the plateroom because we're going from computer to plate later this summer and I just didn't think it would be me because between me and Monika I'm the more computer savvy. It didn't help that she's been there 30 years and I've only been there 3. What also bites bigtime, is that she's the one looking for another job!!! WTF?!?!!!!!!

Brian and Jerry did say that when there's an opening available that I can come back. I don't think it would be to the same position as they're bringing Tina back from days as she's the only other one who knows everything I do. But then again, who knows? I'm the person with the least amount of complaints when it came to crooked plates. If we still have to punch the plates, I'm still better at that than either one of them.

Which reminds me, I didn't get to finish Tv Week before I left tonight. Oh well! Not my problem anymore!

But they're going to let me draw unemployment. And they're going to give me the rest of my vacation days, as well as some money to buy health insurance for a few months.

My one brother doesn't think this will last long...I mean, they called me all the time on my nights off! We'll see.

Let's hope it doesn't last long---Justin and I are supposed to move into our own place the beginning of June!!!!!

Monday, May 04, 2009

Never a dull moment

At least there hasn't been in the past couple of weeks, though my boyfriend probably wouldn't agree.

I went away for Easter to my aunts, and I left my vehicle at home and drove mom's since I was technically taking her up there. On Sunday, I was at my aunt's alone because Mom wanted somene to stay with the 2 dogs so they didn't go all seperation anxiety on us. I texted my boyfriend, not thinking that he was even up yet. He called me shortly after that, telling me how he was borrowing the truck and how my brother had freaked out because he thought someone was stealing the truck. I have no problem with Justin borrowing the truck, although I would like him to get his license taken care of - but that's another story.

I come home Monday, Justin picks me up - telling Mom and me how he's probably going to be in big trouble with his parents because he didn't go home at all Monday morning after work [we're both nightshifters]. We figure he's right, and he and I go to work. I drop him off at his home after work, and take my self home.

The next day, as I'm driving my Mom to her doctors appointment up to Packer my cell phone rings with Justin's ringtone. I answer it [bad girl!] and Justin's saying "You have to get over here now." Uhm.....can't! He even repeated it after I had explained to him that I was taking mom to the hospital and just couldn't. I repeated my answer. That might have been for the benefit of his strict parents because he later told me that at one point I was on speaker phone. I was expecting to be late for work so I couldn't even go over there after we were done. He couldn't even tell me what was going on.

So, later that night at work I learn that because Justin didn't come home...he was being kicked out. Ooookay. I don't think that his parents realize that at 22 he doesn't have to do as they say. While I agree with "my roof my rules" but they have a tendancy to take it to the extreme [like we had to have their permission to go out on a date]. So, he had until Saturday to get his stuff out of their home.

Guess where he's living!

It's no big deal, we we had just been accepted to rent to own a trailor in a local trailor park so we knew we were going to be living together soon anyway. Of course, living with me is a "big mistake" according to his parents. Well, we haven't killed each other yet. I think Mom's thought about it a couple of times.

Regardless, it's our mistake to make. And I don't think it is. My continuing to hope that his parents and I can ever have a civil conversation without one of them yelling and both of them being patronizing is a mistake. It just ain't gonna happen.

More another day...I have to go to work.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Such as they are.

Nothing has changed with the car situation....I still don't have one. I got my car back from the mechanic - and it lasted maybe two weeks, if that. I've been getting rides to work mainly with my one nephew, sometimes my brother. I get rides home either from Burg or Austin, sometimes Tempy. Very tiring, especially since I still owe for the initial repairs.

My sister flew back in from Texas this week, causing all sorts of family drama. Apparently she is about two months late, she should have came back in December [there was a court order] so she's lost sole custody of AK. I guess we knew what we were talking about, Mom and I. She didn't even have a lawyer and Adam's had one since she left.

Things are slow at work. Not really good. I hate having nothing to do. It means I've either got to clean something or go out into the mailroom. But then again, Tina just sent down a whole bunch of notes that I've got to sort through.

They just fired one of the pressmen {Amanda} about two weeks ago, so Justin's schedule has been different then mine so that his training can be accelerated. They need him to be able to run the press by himself quickly. We get to see each other about three days a week, only at work because we don't have a vehicle. That will be changing in the next month because we're shifting one of our print jobs to a different facility.

Mom just got Dish network, with a free DVR upgrade...which is niiiice...I love being able to record Stargate and MASH! And watching House and Home Improvement.

I've got to go kick the dog out of my spot now, he's been too comfortable for too long!