Window Into My Reality

Matthew 25: 14-30 (New King James Version) "For the kingdom of heaven is like a man traveling to a far country, who called his own servants and delivered his goods to them. And to one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, to each according to his own ability; and immediately he went on a journey. Then he who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and made another five talents. And likewise he who had received two gained two more also. But he who had received one went and dug in the ground, and hid his lord's money. After a long time the lord of those servants came and settled accounts with them. So he who had received five talents came and brought five other talents, saying, 'Lord, you delivered to me five talents; look, I have gained five more talents besides them.' His lord said to him, 'Well done, good and faithful servant; you were faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of you...

Purpose. I've often wondered what my purpose in life is. Just the other day Justin and I were talking about his life, about how I would be devestated if he were to die. He is a daredevil, especially in a vehicle, and has probably cheated death more than I would care to listen to. He's almost given me a heart attack or two! In his defence, he is a young man with a need for speed. I just hope the cops catch him before the Grim Reaper does! Don't tell him I said that. He has often said, especially early in our relationship, that he would be surprised if he lived to see 25. Well, he turns 24 in March, so we're almost there. I was taken back a little by something he said. I had asked him a question, about wanting to live. And he replied, "What's the point?" This disturbed me more than a little, mostly because I didn't know how to explain my feelings on the matter so that he would understand. Verbally I'm not always very eloquent with my words...

...but no one can tell! I had this wierd dream recently, that I can seem to shake. I was driving by my old church, and cars lined the sides of the street. I knew it was the night of one of their big services, so even though there weren't any lights on, I decided to stop in anyway. I went inside the lights were all on! Nothing was shining out of the windows. Out of the crowd there, only one person spoke to me...good old Kenny...he'd show the Love of God to his worst enemy, he's just that kind of guy. The thing I can't shake, is that the lights were all on, but no one outside the church could tell. The bible talks about not hiding your light, like putting a bucket over a candle. Basically you shouldn't do it. How else can people see it?!?! Too many Christians have hidden their light...some by their deeds, others by their holier than thou attitude, others by fear (political correctness). I can't say that this is a message toward any one church or person. ...

Yes Jean-Luc, The Visitation is a favorite book of mine. While it is fiction and not Gospel...there's a lot of Gospel truth in the book. The scene: a hardware store, a few days after the angel sitings have started and the crucifix started weeping. The players: Travis Jordan and the owner, Matt Kiley. Matt was a Vietnam vet who came home paralyzed. Of course, people were urging him to go down to the Catholic church to touch the crucifix to be healed of his disability. Matt's a little disgruntled with it all. "Like all I have to do is look up at that crucifix and believe, and that'll do it." A little later on, he says to Trav - "Funny. I made some friends at the VA hospital, I've met some other folks in wheelchairs, and we got along fine. They never told me to go down and look at some crucifix or wash in some special kind of water or say some kind of magic prayer words. It's always the walkers who know what you need." Now - do not get me wrong. I b...

I am so blessed. Sometimes I have no idea. Right now, Justin and I have $2 to our name, I need girlie supplies, we need TP and food...but I have a man who is tenderhearted and I can't begin to tell you how much that means to me. He trusts me enough to let me see his tears. Justin's friend Mo was up for a week, and spent the entire time with us. It was wierd at first, since I didn't know Mo that well, but once the ice was broken things were fine. We chatted and played Runescape while Justin was at work and. The only glitch in it all was that I was ignored a lot when Justin was home. I took it well, after all this is his best friend and he never gets to see him, so I womaned up and let him have his fun time with his friend. After all, Mo was only going to be here for a week. And he did go home today, Justin took him over there to his grandma's...spent too much time there given that he still had to come home and get sleep before he goes into work, but he was trying to get ...

I was looking through an old journal last week, and couldn't help but notice how hung up I used to be on my dreams. I dunno, maybe it was my 'dream journal' for all I can remember now. Do I believe that God can and does speak to people [me] through their dreams? Absolutely! The dream I have below is an example of that...and one worth remembering as far as I'm concerned. Something I've found as I've been going through old emails. It's dated Sept. 19, 2006. I dreamt about Jesus this morning. About what it might have been like to fellowship at a meal with Him. I know that it wasn't like the bible times, but He and His disciples where sitting around a picnic table at the shore...there was a bonfire going. Some of the people around the table were His disciples from then...some were people I knew from today. I remember peaking around the corner...watching the fun and listening to the laughter...being jealous because Mary Magdalen was out there...and then Jesus...

I'm pretty sure I was thinking something...and got distracted...I think it was a deep thought...but the truth is...I lost track of it! Oops! It had something to do with how I had described my alter ego over at The Adventures of Ciera & Co. But I'm not sure I remember where the thought was going. Oh well. I think I'm going to have fune with this surperhero blog. It's already beginning to take off in a direction I didn't realize it was going to. Certainly it's going to be a fun blog, where things aren't always serious. How can it be when I've cast Kirk as my 'sidekick'? I'm not sure what he'd make of that, but the character has definately take on his own shape. Even as Ciera has. How odd is that? In a lot ways...Ciera is who I see myself as...or how I want to be. Well, sort of. There is still that element that is completely 'her'. I'm not sure if I can explain it. It is all make-believe though, and that is alw...

So, my take on challenge 5 for LGS3 was a little different that what has been seen so far. How it will be recieved, Lord only knows. If my brother is following this, I'll probably get in trouble for the pictures I chose, and also how I decided to describe my "character" at some points. The "goddess" one is sure to rub him the wrong way. In this instance, it has nothing to do with deity. But anyway...... One of the ways I described my character, connected to the really cool pic I've posted right here...was "The Fierce Avenger...arbiter of justice...a righter of wrongs..." I thought that my choice of 'arbiter' was interesting...because it is in essense a synonym for Judge. The full definition, as given by ask.com --- #1One chosen or appointed to judge or decide a disputed issue; an arbitrator. #2One who has the power to judge or ordain at will. I'm not sure what it is, but for some reason, this description of my 'character' in t...

I have been accused of thinking too much more times than I can count. Sometimes I've even thought this myself. But then my former pastor did once pray/prophesy something over me about 'thinking deep thoughts'. So, on my way home...well, to Mom's home, since this is where I am staying while she is in the hospital...I was thinking about whether or not it is different being an adult and having a parent in the hospital compared to being a child and having a parent in the hospital. I don't really know. In a lot of ways, no...but then again yes. No matter your age...you're scared. Kids are just more free to express that primal fear when a parent is ill. Kids are scared because they don't know what is going on...an adult is scared because they know all too well that is going on, even if they can't pinpoint the infection/illness. Of course, it's different now because I have a firmer grasp on that Rock in the stormy sea named Jesus. When I feel that panic beg...

Or do I? What does it mean to understand? First we have to break the word down..."under" and "stand". Under - submit Stand - point of view So, to understand is to submit to a point of view.Can we "understand" each other...when our point of views cannot be united? When Jesus says that He is the only way...can we "submit" to the "point of view" that there are many ways to heaven? Can we follow a person's line of thought, comprehend what they are saying, but not submit to the way they see things, their point of view? Can we "understand" a peron's pain...the misery that drives them...because we've been there ourselves...but not "submit" to their erroneous point of view [erroneous b/c it's tainted by their own self]? Food for thought. This is a new concept for me, something that was taught at a recent conference I was at. The meaning of "understand"....the rest is just my own thoughts...mean...

So...I'm looking in the back of "Chasing Fireflies" at the list of questions for Reading Group discussions {{{wouldn't that be so interesting?}}} and one of the questions was: "What do you think is the signifigance of the title, 'Chasing Butterflies'?" The funny thing is, I already had this question answered and written up for my next post! That ought to show how much this book impacted me, as I had this post and the last post already written up {I didn't get much sleep that morning!} I'm actually thinking of doing another one; we'll see. Anyway. here it is - Everyone searches for meaning, a desire to know that they have purpose...that they were born for a reason, a need to know that they aren't an accident of nature. Shortly after he'd come to live with "Uncle Willie", Willie took Chase out into the pasture to literally chase fireflies. And in this activity Willie attempts to drive home the fact that Chase's birth...

"Chasing Fireflies" by Charles Martin is the most recent book I have read. I don't always have the best of luck reading stories written in the first person mode, and indeed, this book gave me a litte trouble at the start...but I wanted to know why it was named what it was. I'm glad I persisted, as it was a thought provoking book....a little slow in action, but highly introspective. And once it caught me....I was caught!! Imagine growing up not knowing who your dad was...wondering, waiting, wanting...only to find out that he's been there all along! In essence, that's what this book was about...but so much more. Chase, the main character, describes the not knowing as a hole in his chest. He has one faint memory of his father rescuing him from being run over by a train when he was 3. The rest of his childhood memories are of being passed from one foster family to another, of being mistreated and abused...until he at last lands at "Uncle Willie's"....

I have a problem with depression. It won't go away!!!!!!!! There have been times in my life that have been extremely dark...pain that can't be understood by those around me...a loneliness that covers me like a cloak even when in a crowded room. What usually comes out of these times, is poetry. Sometimes they have a prophetic edge..when I know that the words that I write aren't my own, but they are what God is saying to me to encourage me. Today I had a friend read some of the poems I have posted on my poetry site One of the things that she said was that three of the poems really touched her, they hit upon times in her past. She named them off... "I Can See You" "My Savior's Arms" and "One Woman Alone" ...and all three of them were written in times like I just described above. I was so moved by this, that I teared right up and cried a little. There is something almost comforting in knowing that something good came out of something tha...

I was going to vent about work...about the one girl there who has major attitude...like, she was calling all of us who had worked for her Saturday night dumbasses and idiots. But then I read this, and was so totally like - it doesn't matter: You are in your car driving home. Thoughts wander to the game you want to see or meal you want to eat, when suddenly a sound unlike any you've ever heard fills the air. The sound is high above you. A trumpet? A choir? A choir of trumpets? You don't know, but you want to know. So you pull over, get out of your car, and look up. As you do, you see you aren't the only curious one. The roadside has become a parking lot. Car doors are open, and people are staring at the sky. Shoppers are racing out of the grocery store. The Little League baseball game across the street has come to a halt. Players and parents are searching the clouds. And what they see, and what you see, has never before been seen. As if the sky were a curtain, the drapes...

Found this pic online and thought it was neat. Up close and personal of a Bee --- being a Bee. And I am, if nothing else, a writer and a poet. As I was posting an old poem on my poetry blog, I felt another poem stir----kind of like a 'part two' or a sequel to it. It was really kind of a neat experience. The new poem I'll post tomorrow on Heart of a Poet . Just because I can! I am so encouraged by this. I went almost a whole year without being able to write a single poetic word...and it's been almost as long if not longer since I've been able to write fiction...but this is my second poem in less than a week. And they're pretty good. In fact, the last poem I wrote, "Fire In The Sky", also posted on my blog Heart of a Poet so went with church Sunday morning. The songs that Sean led worship with and Pastor's sermon. That was encouraging too. It's not about just seeing God's glory for ourselves, although it is a GREAT thing to behold...awesome....

Was going through some old drafts and found this. Thought it was still pretty so I decided to post it! On a side note, I had a long talk with one of the girls at work tonight, and discovered that at 24, she no longer believes in 'love'. It just goes to show the difference between people in this world. She and I have both been hurt by men, and while I doubt I will ever find one that loves me in return [on this side of the ocean] I still believe in 'love' and hope for it. In that, we're very alike...sort of....she says she wants a man to love her, and a family, and a normal life [I didn't have the heart to tell her that there is no such thing, who defines 'normal' ? What's normal to her, wouldn't be normal to me!] But she doubts it will ever happen even more than I do [for myself]. What's sadder, is that I know that there are girls much younger than her that feel the same way. Perhaps I am the foolish one to believe that 'love' still ex...

I've decided to change the name of my blog. This is still My Secret Place, but this is in truth Diary of A Prodigal Saint, sooo......I've been running from God for over a year now, and when I fell down, and turned around to run home....I found God right there waiting with open arms....just like the prodigal son in the Bible. While it is not a pretty story...and I have failed my Savior many times...the story I present the world has been an honest story. And it is not done yet. So I shall continue to write of my life...the trials, the spiritual falls, the ups as well as the downs. I might bore you, I might amuse you....but I will always be me.

Isaiah 9:6 ~ For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Luke 2:9-11 ~ And behold, an angel of the Lord stood before them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were greatly afraid. Then the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid, for behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy which will be to all people. For there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord. In the hustle and bustle of this holiday season, may the True Reason for the season find a home in your heart, and may Jesus bring you great joy. Merry Christmas to all my blogger friends :)

What this photo says: No matter where you are planted, you can bloom...sometimes in the midst of an amazing amount of adversity. That despite all the odds, you can persevere. What this photo doesn't tell you: This bulb was dormant for 10 years, having missed being uprooted with the rest of the bulbs when the garden was pulled out for a new trailer to be put in. Ten years of waiting for the soil to erode and be thin enough for it to poke it's head out once again into the sunlight. And the a dversity due to man's neglect. If man had paid more attention to this plant, and the weeds removed, how much more beautiful could this flower have been? Less raged looking? How much more beautiful is the tattered flower because of the adversity it had to endure though? And on the flip side...without man's neglect, the daffodil would never have been able to bloom because other flowers would have been planted on top of it. So...does that mean that God can use even man's neglect to H...

I can't give you a sure-fire formula for success, but I can give you a formula for failure: try to please everybody all the time. Herbert Bayard Swope (1882 - 1958) I forget exactly where I found this quote. I think it was something Snedeker had put up with the the weather forecast on the WNEP website...he does stuff like that. You get very tired trying to please everybody all the time. Your head begins hurting, and Tylenol won't help it go away. You start losing sleep. You're appetite changes. And everything starts falling apart. Your friends stop wanting you to hang around, then deny ever saying such. Your pastors won't talk to you. You vent on your blog and pray that no one from church has the website because you worry that it would be taken to pastors...even though you're not saying anything wrong, you're just venting, but you know that if the right people got a hold of it, that they would turn it into something else and twist it. I give up trying to do this...