Window Into My Reality

Just rambling tonight. Our hours are dropping off at work.  Which is both good and bad.  It's good because 45+ hours a week gets old after a while, so exhausting especially in 40 degree weather lol and it's also good because my lokcing fingers don't lock quite as often or as hard as they were.  Well, they don't hurt as much anyway lol! And it's bad because those paychecks were awful dang nice!  Like everyone else, I need the money honey!  Especially since Justin's main 'job' is playing Halo Wars all the time.  At least he's begun helping do some chores around the house...'women's work' my ass! This is sad.  I think all day of stuff that I want to write and blog, and then I get here and I'm just like "Blah" and there's nothing there.  Of course, Justin's moved his Xbox in here so it's not quiet anymore.  But the flip side of that is that I can go to sleep without having to listen to him playing.  I could do wi...

I am sometimes, often, disgusted at my own cowardice. My inability to say what I'm really thinking, or feeling, about a matter to the person involved. If I could, I would say to the company doctor treating my locking fingers...seriously, it's been almost a month, they're not getting better in fact it's been getting worse since I started getting treatment and therapy; you have not taken me off my job, so my fingers aren't getting the break they need. And the medicine you've prescribed, which is supposed to be better than ibuprofen...SUCKS! I am in more pain since starting it and experience more swelling. To my red hat (supervisor), who isn't really my red hat and only a substitute, who wants me to bring in a doctors note to verify that I'm actually going to the doctors Monday afternoon...even though I'm not leaving until last break, so a note really isn't required: seriously man, not all doctors appointments can be scheduled in advance. Some t...

We all felt this way at work today.  We have a special run Friday morning, and some products get a different box and label.  Well, there were several that were originally considered 'buy back" - meaning that they go in whatever box they would go in for our product - that ended up coming back to be stuck in the special boxes and labels.  ?!?!?!?!  No idea why they changed their minds on any of it, or who changed their minds specifically whether it was the customer or our office.  It was very irritating, although the supervisor and his helper were the ones that actually did the rework. It's just been a long week at work.  Saws not working right, box lines breaking down, people not wanting to carry their own wieght, but that's all over with now.  Until Monday!  But in the meantime I'm going to enjoy my evening, go see a movie tomorrow, and write write write!  I've been pumping out poetry at an amazing rate, some of it's great stuff too....

The price for having Thanksgiving day off at my job is: having to work the following Saturday. BOOOO!! At least we only worked 5.5 hours today. There is that much. Since we also have Monday off - we get an extra holiday a year and they give it to us on the first day of rifle hunting season, go fif. lol. But we'll probbly have to work next Saturday too because of that. Oh well, at least it'll look nice in the paycheck. Given the stress I was under today, tryig to catch all my product (damn knuckles anyway) and train my new hire...I am so ready not to go back on Tuesday. I wonder if Unemployment would except stress and insanity as a good reason to quit. Probably not. Of coure, when it rains it pours. Justin had pulled the engine in our blue dodge when the engine in our green dodge decides to go! So now he's trying to get the blue one back together so he can work on the green one. The green one was a gift from his parents, a truck he's wanted since a teen. Th...

Alone at last. My sister has been spending a few days with us because our truck has been down and since she rides to work with me, it's easier for her to catch a ride with my ride than finding one of her own. And I was having a rough evening last night, and just wanted to be alone...but since she is here I really couldn't. And when Justin came home and turned on his X-box, well that ruled out the bedroom anyway. But they are both gone ... he's gone up to the mountain to work on the truck, she's gone shopping with our mother. So I'm blogging and facebooking while doing laundry. I'm going to drag out the poem I started about my late brother and see if I can't get that posted later this weekend. Of course, I will grow tired of the aloneness eventually and wish them back. Unless they come back before I'm ready! lol! Have a good weekend everyone.

What a week I've had. I've been taking prednisone for over a week, just finished the last dose actually. And I've had trouble sleeping all week. 9, 10, 11 o'clock rolls around and I'm not tired...which isn't good when one must get up around 4AM! It was catching up to me today, and actually I just got up from a long afternoon nap...evening nap? So I'm not gonna want to sleep again tonight! lol! At least I don't have to work tomorrow! Of course, one night I was up late becuase of family drama. Mom lost her temper while trying to speak some truth to Liston's girlfriend Alysson...so I'm talking to both of them. Mom's upset because Alysson didn't want to hear it (which she's allowed) and Alysson was upset because Mom was yelling at her. Of course now, the entire trip that was in question has been cancelled because Liston and Alysson feel that Mom threw a fit...which since she lost her temper is essentially what she did. But sinc...

Well. Where to begin? I guess at the beginning. On March 23rd we had a snow storm here, and Justin and I were involved in a car accident on the way into work. We were ok, although the passenger of the other vehicle went to the hospital...a pain in her shoulder, though it might have just been an old injury that was aggravated. Anyway, our truck was stuck, the road ahead of us closed because of another accident so we didn't make it to work. Work wouldn't forgive the "point" for being absent and since Justin was maxed out on points, he lost his job. Things have not been easy. He hasn't found another job yet, though he hasn't been looking all that hard. We won't find out for a few more weeks whether he'll be approved for Unemployment...they have to figure out if it was a just firing or not. It wasn't, especially since it was a reportable accident. He wasn't told until the day AFTER that if he'd gone to the hospital to be checked out that...

In my last post I made a comment about how big girls don't cry is a lie. I got in 'trouble' at the last church I attended because of how much I wept. I was labeled "emotional". I was, and I am...and to this day I don't understand why this is a bad thing. I can think and reason with the best of them. I'm intelligent and witty and curious. The fact that I allow myself to express my emotions in a place that I thought was 'safe' because the presence of God was there...is apparently erroneous. No one ever asked why I was crying. They all assumed that every time was the same, that I was depressed. I cried for a variety of reasons. I was sad. I was glad. I was overwhelmed by His love. But like I said, no one ever asked. Let's see. Jesus wept...It wasn't even His grief He was weeping about, it was compassion for Mary and Martha and their grief. The psalmists lamented...mixed right in with their praise and worship. No one ever considered that I migh...

Sometimes I wonder why Yahoo allows comments on their stories. I'm all for the 1st Amendment, Freedom of Speech, Press, Religion, and Expression. I think it's great. But reading comment on Yahoo stories makes me think that there are some people out there who just shouldn't be expressing themselves online. It makes America looks ignorant. Not stupid. Ignorant. There's a difference. Stupid can be fixed...a little teaching, a little guidance, a little enlightenment...voila! Ignorant doesn't want to be fixed. They're happy with their sick dumb-ass opinions. It amazes me how quick grown adults are to trash someone else, even if it's an innocent child. I remember one story a while back about a little girl who was being teased about liking Star Wars by the boys at school. Apparently these boys either liked her or had never been told that sci-fi is for girls too. It upset the girl to the point of tears when her mom asked why she wanted to change her Star Wars lunch...

Hoarding is usually bad. Stacks of newspapers piled high...too many salt and pepper shaker...a small path to the bathroom...but there is one thing that is worth hoarding for a while... Store receipts!!!!!! Case in point. We bought Justin's mother a giftcard for Christmas. Not just any gift card, but an X-Box Live Microsoft points card. 4000 points = $50. It doesn't work. The store won't do anything for us because we don't have the receipt, so we have to deal with Microsoft. Of the two, Microsoft has been a lot nicer to deal with. Argh!!!!

Seriously...President Obama and The Senate and Congress and all who make our laws...instead of making health insurance mandatory, how about making it #1- more affordable for all and #2 WORTH HAVING!! I now have a $2000+ emergency room bill because my unnamed health insurance deemed it 'non-life threatening' and won't pay any of it! Uhm, I almost passed out in my shower, my own doctor's office told me to go to the ER and I had no idea it was a simple reaction to the blood pressure medicine that I didn't need until I got there, and that's what the doctor decided was wrong. Oh, that and I'm diabetic---which, if any of those morons had actually been listening when I was giving my history they would have already known and they wouldn't have had to "diagnose" me as a diabetic. Uhm, my problem that day wasn't my sugar...it was the unneeded medicine...which we didn't know it was unneeded until I almost passed out. Almost passing out in the sho...

I should have known better. Really, I should have. I wrote a poem today, it's scheduled to be posted on my poetry site on the 15th. It was written inspired by a one-word prophetic word given to me by someone who was a friend at the time, and the memory that one-word word sparked. Good old Paigey. Our friendship did not end on good terms, though if she were honest, it was much needed and past due. We are both much healthier without each other. I was as much it the wrong when it came to the end...I was being a bitch...and so was she. She'll never admit it, she never could adit when she was wrong...unless you were someone important...but that is neither here nor there. I'm guessing that she's still as pissed at me as I am at here. I'll admit it. I can't think of her without still being angry. I know I should just let it go and forgive, so I don't become more bitter than I already am. Anyway, I sent this poem to her because I thought she'd appreciate knowng ...

We all have them. Points in our life when we can keep going straight, or turn either left or right and start on a new path. My sister is at such a point. She has the opportunity to go back to college this fall, and the question she has to decide is whether to pursue a nursing career or a teaching career. Although I might be a smart aleck and ask her why not a Teaching Nurse? Someone has to train the nurses, right? My friend Tempy is at such a point. She recently quit her full time job here. She's a single mom and even though she's living with her boyfriend now, they work different shifts so the entire 'making sure the kids are taken care of' was still an issue. She had moved farther away from our work place, and so had farther to drive...therefore more opportunity to fall asleep while driving herself home. So she's trying to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. Start her own small business...go back to school...what exactly? I'm right there ...

And may it never happen again. I have loosened up somewhat the past several years. Still high anxiety most of the time, but I've lost some of my "I can't be a Christian and do this or that..." mentality. Some would say that I've backslidden...to some degree, yes....but largely no. My spiritual state is just no longer as "public" as it used to be. If anything I've "stepped back" to re-evaluate some of my beliefs. The core of those beliefs remain unchanged. Anyway, I started drinking alcohol about 3 years ago. I used to shun the stuff because I was afraid of becoming an alcoholic. I decided I was tired living in fear of what "might happen". I know when to stop drinking...because I refuse to become so impaired that I can't control my actions. I don't mind if Justin drinks, so long as he never scares me or breaks anything, or pees my bed again [what a morning that was!]...those aren't die hard rules, because I'm well ...

I don't care what anyone says - just because I live in a trailer, in a trailer park, does NOT make me trailer trash. Sad to say, you can find "trailer trash" in some of the most expensive mansions. The world needs to stop looking at the superficial. The outside trappings. What a person looks like....what they wear...how they sound even....where they live...what their abode looks like. So this trailer isn't going to be much help if a tornado sweeps through...what house is? Seriously. No I don't have a storm shelter...but while we've had tornadoes here before, they're not that often. I was a teen living with my parents the last time this town had one. And that was during the day - I'd be at work...poor Justin would be home and in bed. He'd probably be out in the storm, the goofball...I wouldn't put it past him to try to ride the tornado...oh, who was that? Pecos Bill? I don't remember that tall tale. If a storm were to come at nig...

Here it is...my 400th post! I think I'm going to be fired from Company Apprentice this week. After all, I was the one in charge of my team this week...and we lost...again. Of course, it goes without saying that the judge is slanted to the other team, he admitted as much in one of the comments from last week. Whatever. I know I'm a great writer. Just because my posts on the blog contest have sucked, doesn't mean anything. I don't know how the others do it, but apparently I just can't balance real life and a pretend reality contest. I mean - I work 40 hours a week...I have chores to do...I have a boyfriend who hogs the computer on his nights off and won't let me on [well, it is his computer! lol!] Thursday night we spent 6-7 hours at my mother's doing laundry. I didn't have time to go online and work on a story. It would have been nice, but I was exhausted and in sore need of sleep. So my post wasn't what I wanted. My teammates posts weren't ...

I think I take my writing too seriously. Or myself. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I agreed to participate in "The Company Apprentice" - one of those blog reality show contest thingies. I was far too sensitive during the last one, and have been trying hard to write drivel so that I'm not attached to anything that might draw criticism. Bennett is a notoriously critical person when it comes to judging others, and so I must have been freaking nuts when I said yes. Sometimes I am to damn sensitive for my own good. Who is Koma that I ought to be upset that he's calling my character Ciera a she-devil and banshee. All in good fun to keep people reading I suppose. But still, I know that character and she's not that way. At worst, on these reality blog show things, I tend to potray her as a flirt and such, but she-devil? That's almost as bad as Koma thinking I'm actually a guy pretending to be a girl online. That and either this computer or facebook is g...

When I joined Facebook, I received a couple of greetings about 'welcome to facebook fun'. I had no intention of Facebook being a replacement for this blog...I was not going to share anything deep there, just going to keep it light and fun...maybe reconnect with some people from high school.... Well. So much for that thought. I posted some pics that I had taken of Justin with my cell, to show people what the goofball looks likes because I've got friends who've never met him and my fifth grade English teacher was like, "Who's Justin?" So I got his brilliant idea to do a little facebook post about who he was--and in the spirit of keeping it light I made a comment that he was going to kill me when he got home and discovered that I had broken our last glass drinking cup but oh well because that's how the cookie crumbles...and this freakin' idiot from high school makes this 'deep' comment about 'breaking glass, cookies crumbling: destructive...

I am disturbed. Upset. Out of sorts. Grossed right out. I try not to post twice a day, because that just seems too much to me. But I have to talk to someone now. Even though you can't talk back. I have to vent. I just chatted with a cousin of mine. BLOOD RELATION cousin. No steps, no halfs, no inbetweens. And I'm pretty sure he was coming onto me. He says he was joking....two paragraphs after saying how he would have done me at Easter time...and later telling me how he wished we'd had the chance to fool around when we were younger. Ok, I did a lot of naughty things when I was younger [read - a kid still] that I regret. But I've gotten over it. I've laid it all out to the Lord, I know He's forgiven me, and it no longer haunts me like it used to. Like Justin says "You were young. So what." But, anything naughty between me and this cousin would NOT be on my conscience because he's the one that's older. And unfortunately, whatever hap...

That I sit here and wonder. Wonder what, I don't know exactly. Too many things all at once...maybe that's why I get headaches...lol! Aw, I just sit here bored. Justin is at work and it's just me and the stupid cats and they're not very good company. I've done the dishes, all that remains is to dry them and put stuff away. I suppose I could sweep, but I don't feel up to it right now...ok, I just don't want to. Maybe later. I have answered emails, could probably go through some of the archived ones. I've phoned a few old friends. Talked over an hour with the one. I'll probably just do what I'm doing now...sit here and wonder and think while I cruise the net. I might pull out some stories and work on them. I have to check my bank account, see if my check's gone in. Although since Justin forgot to take my debit card with him, it's not going to put gas in the truck unless he speeds home on lunch. I wonder if he'll call me like ...