Window Into My Reality

I have been encouraged. By a total stranger at that ... someone I will probably never meet this side of heaven... I've been down a lot lately ... and lonely ... so I've started going into the BigChurch chatrooms in the mornings after work ... just looking to talk with other Christians ... and this morning, feeling quite bleak ... it happened to be just me and Queen900 in this particular room ... we talked about the boyfriend issue a little ... she reminded me that he's going through a hard time right now, and needs me and my prayers ... even though I can't be with him right now, I can still prayer for him ...and we talked about my job situation a good bit ... she encouraged me not to quit my nighttime job ... to keep at it ... no matter what Biggest Bitch throws at me ... that if I don't let her get to me ... then eventually she'll grow tired ... and ... they are training me to be a supervisor ... so it might be worth hanging onto ... going to give it some more

Sort of. Once again I walk into work. Nothing unusual about that...do it all the time. Not feeling good, so I'm not my chipper self. Not expecting to see Boyfriend as it is his night off. Wondering if the new schedule has been made up yet. I put my lunch in the fridge...call Boyfriend from breakroom phone, but he's not home...go to put my things in my locker in the girls bathroom...the new schedule has been made up...I know this because Biggest Bitch has left her copy right on the bench for all to see....Boyfriend is NOT on it...!!! Of course I am concerned....not surprised as he has been looking for a new job for a while now...but I don't know what has happened....I call again on break, but he's still not home...probably working with his cousin as much as possible since that is his only employment right now...and I know he was planning on going to visit his daughter in Jersey after the weekend for Halloween...don't know if he's still going. I find out from Litt

But boy am I confused! I walk into work tonight...not knowing what to expect from that man of mine...cuz he said we were gonna be different at work...you know, to make it easier that we can't be together right now. He was a little "off" cuz he's got two toothaches, but he was still teasing and flirting...!!!!! WTF?!?! Ticked me right off...and he knew it, even if he didn't understand why at first { I clued him in later}. Turns out.....he's confused about us too right now. Partly my fault, cuz I've sent some emails to him. I don't like that he's let the gossip of others interfere with our life outside of work...and maybe I've gotten that through his head. Maybe! I also don't like that he's shoving me to the side just because he's having money issues...well, hello?! Me too!! Makes me feel more like a toy he can pick up and set down....grrrr......But I haven't had a chance to talk to him about that yet...something I don't want

lI know that this is the depression and despair taking...that things are not really as bad as they feel right now...but I really think that whoever coined the saying... 'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved ...really didn't have a clue what they were talking about. I want to scream right now----but I'd wake my Mom up and she'd kill me. I feel like I'm suffocating as well......

They won. He broke up with me. Latest gossip had us having sex in the company van. Our jobs are threatened because of this. Where is Gil Grissom and the CSI crew when ya really need them?!?!?! Bitches.

I am so tired...between working and my Aunt Bertha's funeral, I haven't had much sleep...but keep on pegging away as I don't have to work tonight. I probably didn't have to go in last night, cuz of the funeral, but I guess I am a glutton for punishment. Aunt Bertha was just 92 when she died...when our Lord and Savior called her home...lucky woman!! I'm thinking of quitting my job. I've just picked up a 'part-time' home health aide job...and almost think that if I didn't have the newspaper job that it could become full time. It was solve a lot of problems at work...and me being the one to quit instead of Boyfriend would shock everyone...no doubt set those wicked tounges to wagging even more about our relationship...I just want them to leave us alone. Jerry says that the girls are jealous, cuz they can't keep a man of their own. It so ticks me off. Not making any decisions today as I am really tired and no doubt not thinking 100% --- although I can

Things are a little better. I still have not heard back from the housing authorities. Whatever. My key still works in the lock and there has been no one to escort me out, so I guess we're still good. I've gotten a chance to talk with my boyfriend, and things are a little better there. Like Cliff said, guys are dumb. :) He didn't know how much it was bothering me...mostly because he was so pissed at me that he never read the note that I gave him. Grrrr.... I've had to write him a second one telling him how much I've been missing him and how much I adore him. I even drew hearts on it. Sap aren't I? He's been working two jobs, trying to catch up on his truck payment, so I don't get to see a whole lot of him. Without his dumptruck, he doesn't have an excavating company. Without that company, he's never going to feel secure enough to have a 'serious' relationship. And everytime I pray about it, God replies with "All in good time". V