Window Into My Reality

You know, this is really kind of strange...but for all the tears that I have shed in the past over the fear of this relationship ending...now that it has happened, I don't feel anywhere nearly as bad as I thought. Like...I honestly don't know what to think about this. I'm angry over her accusations, hurt that she doesn't believe me, still smarting from the yelling, but ... it's like a huge weight has been lifted off of me. I'm trying to get a job as a newspaper reporter. I could do it, even though it hasn't always been my favorite form of writing. Everyone has to start somewhere. It is very hot here, with sever thunderstorms rolling through the area. I've seen some pretty awesome lighting; there was small hail as well. The wind whipped, and the rain was falling in curtains. And along the western horizon the sun was shining.

The On Again Off Again relationship is......Off Again. For good this time. I'm going to bet this is so, as she was screaming and swearing at me and pointing her finger in my face. I am a manipulative conniving bitch that can't be trusted...the voice of many witnesses testify to it...so they must be right. Reconsiliation will not happen without a mediator. Shoot me if I even mention it. {{{{author's note: this post has been republished and can now accept comments. it is Saturday as I fix this and feel a little better about the situation, though there is still numbness inside.}}}}

It all pretty much looks like this. Rolling fields. Farms dotting the horizon. This was taken just up the road from where my Mom lives...was coming home after Easter dinner and saw this and thought it would make a good shot. However, it was on a one-time use camera so the range was rather limited. Still not too bad.

This was taken on Easter Sunday. It's a picture of my youngest brother .... stapling a torn seam in his pants . He's 21 and did this right in front of our mother. Mother wanted the picture taken to show a slice of the 'redneck' way of life...but I'm not sure if it is. I think my brother is just odd. I mean, wouldn't it make more sense to just give the jeans up...or give them to Mom to see if she can't mend them? Noooo....let's staple it. Goofball. :) Bob fans: go here !

In short, the hurt behind the poem is that my friend whom I just made up with and reached a new understanding with...had decided to cut me off...this time for my good as she started to believe the lie that she is a bad influence on me. Well, I didn't take it very well, argued with her for most of Saturday about it, trying to get her to understand that I don't think she's a bad influence and that it's my opinion that counts. I am almost 30 years old, I don't need my pastors deciding who I can and can't be friends with. They are free to express their opinions and concerns, but ultimately the choice is mine. I'm not sure what exactly happened Friday night at the Watch, but it was the straw that broke the camels back for her. She and her husband decided that they will no longer be going to my church. A decision that at this time I wholeheartedly support----so long as she doesn't lock her door on me! I know things will change, but it doesn't have to be ...

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Isn't she the cutest? Well, so, ok, I'm partial to her. This is "my" dog...Little Bear. I got her shortly after high school graduation, even though Dad said, "No dogs" when we left to house to go look at her. I was depressed that year, quite badly. I had just been kicked out of college for being depressed, and was feeling quite the failure. And I thank God that this pup came into my life. She gave me friendship, and someone else to think about other than myself. Little Bear was never able to forgive me when I went out and got a real job, and so became my mother's dog. She wouldn't give me the time of day for years. Until I moved out on my own...now she can't get enough of me when I visit. How typical! She's going on 12 years-old now, which is like .. alot .. in dog years. She only ever had one litter up puppies...underneath my bed...in the middle of the January 1996 flood. She was fixed shortly after that, which is why she's a little bi...