Friday, March 23, 2007

Defining Me

Mood: Angry, depressed, in pain.

There is an email "game" that has been going around recently, asking the recipients to describe the sender with one word.

I am so glad that I don't have to depend on others to define me. Because so far, the only replies I've gotten have been "humorous" [which is great], "squirrel" and "Robin". Not sure how the last two are supposed to describe me. One is my name, one describes my writing. Which is not who I am. Yes, I am a writer, but I am not limited, not bound, to one subject to one genre to one character. My writing talents are like I am...limitless. In me there are stories ranging from humorous, to inane, to profound. In me, there are things, characteristics, that cannot be easily defined....hidden....sometimes even from me! I like to write Star Trek...yeah, I'm borrowing another man's characters and universe, but I can take those characters to places Gene Roddenberry never imagined. I like to write drama...characters dealing with pasts more horrific than is sometimes the only way I can deal with my own, a form of venting...of reconciling myself to a past that isn't rosy. I like to write story poems. I like to write sci-fi/fantasy...because there I am not limited to gravity...I can bend the rules {with in reason to my liking}...and then, bind my characters to those rules...and see if they deal with those rules any better than I deal with the ones in my life. I also like to ponder "what if" stories...though I've never tried to write one outside of Star Trek. Like, what if Hitler hadn't killed himself but went on to win the war [which has been done before] or better yet...what if He met Jesus and became a real Christian? What if? My writing abilities include a squirrel...but they are not limited there. I wish people could understand that there is more to me than those stories.

I wonder if anyone will reply to the game with the word "odd"? LOL

I'm also selfish. I say this, because my second thought, after "Great!" when an online friend told me she was engaged to be married in September, was "Lord, where's mine?" But I'll probably never be married. Too fat, too selfish and self-centered, too lazy, too lazy, spends too much, too loud, too depressed too often, chronic back pain, chronic insanity. And I'm tired of people telling me that "The Lord has someone special for you" or "He's out there, just be patient". The truth is, there is no one. Destined to be alone and childless. Expected to be comforted by the line that "Jesus is your husband" ALWAYS said by married people---who have perhaps forgotten what it is like to be single and alone. While no marriage is perfect, never will be, it is still something to be desired...and I hate being made to feel like there is something wrong with me because I want it. "You're so blessed to be one to fight with, free to go and do whatever you want, quiet times." Yet does not the bible say otherwise? People are idiots and they don't think before they speak. I've heard the same old lines about a husband for years...WHERE IS HE? This is one prayer that I think God will never answer with a "yes, here he is."


Jean-Luc Picard said...

You will have seen my e mail...

Kat said...

If it helps any, I felt exactly the same as you about men and marriage 3 months ago... But even if it doesn't help - consider yourself hugged. You are a beautiful person in your very own right. No man could make you more or less of who you are.

Sunny Delight said...

We are our own worst critics. I know, been there, still there many days, but trying.

My own marriage is falling apart, but that hasn't turned me off of marriage, relationships. I just think we have to heal ourselves, before we can move to the next stage of life, relationships teach us so much, about other people, and ourselves......I am trying to look at life, as just finally allowing myself to being open to as many "possibilities" as the world has to offer......I hope the same for you....and I hope it comes sooner....being 47......I think I am growing up a bit late, but better late than never!

I also think I am going to have to take the time soon, to read some of your writing....I am a fan of SF/Fantasy myself.
If you ever want a good laugh, try Terry Pratcher, my children and I love his Disc World series.