Monday, July 09, 2007

Not much going on here...hanging at Diana's...even though she's not here. She lets me do that...not sure what she's doing or where...but I couldn't go along...she said something about a surprise...not sure if she meant for me or not...she didn't specify. But my birthday is coming up at the end of this month.

Sigh. 31 on the 31st. It's supposed to be your "golden birthday" when you turn the age of they day of your birthday...follow that? It doesn't feel very golden. My birthday's haven't been very happy recently...the thought of growing older ... without someone to share those years with ... is a little, ok, a lot depressing for me. Especially since I'd like to have children with that someone...whoever my imaginary husband may be. And each year that passes with no ring on my finger...well...I can't help but think that before too long, I'm going to be too old to have babies. Women only have so long...and when they've never had children, they can go through an early "change of life"...I've two sisters that happened to. One is single...the other is more or less happily married. Whether or not they ever wanted differently, I don't know. Sad to say I don't know those sisters very well.

Children is no surprise to my readers to know that I am lonely, wanting a special someone to share my life with. Each day that passes...makes me wonder if I am one that will never know marriage. I know that a lot of my reasons for wanting a husband are selfish...wanting to feel loved...honestly, wanting sex {blushing!}...but I know that not all my reasons are selfish. I want to be there for that much as I want him to be there for me. I want to cheer him on...encourage him...pleasure him...make him happy.

ok. Enough whining. For this post.

In other news: still not much going on. My friend Burgandy at work is pregnant...and she is happily over the abortion stage. I'm still not sure if she's going to keep it, because she has been considering adopting it out, but time will tell. I think she'll make a good mother, just because she's been so responsible about considering all her options - although if she had been responsible about birth control, she wouldn't have this decision to make! LOL! Too bad the father isn't talking to her right now, but then the relationship was strained even before this. The one pressman at work...has Mono! The one I have a tiny crush on - even though he is no Jean-Luc. I was even asked one night if I had been kissing him [Kirk] to which I replied "NO!....Why?" is a conversation that shouldn't have happened...but since another supervisor was also lax about his medical condition and just announced it one night....I guess it doesn't really matter.

How do you move on when your heart belongs to someone else? I was foolish last summer, thinking the grass was greener on this side of the ocean. I made so many mistakes...and I ruined that chance for happiness and such. I regret that more than words can say. And I am suddenly glad the Jean-Luc isn't home yet to read this...maybe he'll miss these lines and not comment. Sometimes, it is worse when he comments, because he's so apologetic...even though I'm the one that messed up. If I could change the past...that is one thing that I would have changed. But the past can't be changed, can it?

I have no money for gas. Nada. And have to be back at work Tuesday night. I spent my last $20 to spoil mother. That flag cake. And then she sits there on the phone that front of me...whining about how she had to spend the 4th alone---uhm...hello?!?! you were supposed to come to my place?!?!?! I try not to get angry about that...but I am. You can use the rainy day as an excuse...and not feeling good...but I wasn't feeling good either [sore throat for the past week] and it was just as rainy at my place....I waited and waited and she never showed...I had to go out and use a friend's phone to find out she wasn't coming. And now I have no gas money. Crap. But on the bright side...I am also caught up on rent. Until the end of the month at least!

ttyl :D

1 comment:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I do understand what you're saying there, Ciera.