Skip to main content

Heart of loneliness

I feel so lonely right now.

I go to work with the same people night after night. None of them know me really. Not who I really am. Oh, they all like me, and are amused at some of my antics. They especially like it when I give myself a sugar high. But no one ever wants to look beneath the surface of the facade I give them. I have to give them that facade, because if there is anything that I learned from my time at First Baptist is that no one wants to see beyond it...such nakedness frightens people.

I suppose that I am faced with the same facades in others. Christina brags about how she is only really open with a few people. That came from a conversation we had about why she was being nasty to me. I wasn't asking her to be "open" with me...as I can see far deeper into her than she would probably like...I was just asking that she treat me decently! Anyway. Some people I would be interested in getting to know better, others I already know too well.

I live with the same people. See them all the time. And am expected to play the same role I did when I was younger. Servant daughter to one. Bitchy older sister to the other. I am not a person. I am a means to an end. A payer of bills. Buyer of food. Blah blah blah.

I miss Carl. And I miss Kirk. Carl was one of the few people on nightshift that I considered a friend...and he told me that he thought of me as a friend too. How long do I give him to return my phone call before I give up on him? It hasn't even been 24 hours yet. And Kirk...was one of the few that I wanted to be friends with. He {almost} always had a smile for me. I don't see it as much on the one night a week that I get to see him now. He's back to being grumpy. I wonder if he's liking the switch to Dayshift as much as he thought he would?

Comments

M. C. Pearson said…
It is hard to loose a friend...

Sometimes we are put through loneliness to get closer to God. I know that sounds trite...but I believe it.

Thanks for the comment about Chosen. I plan to read it soon! Keegan went crazy over it. They're also putting it out as a graphic novel which will be so cool!
Jean-Luc Picard said…
It's always the same at a workplace. Those we like will go, and those we don't stay behind.

Popular posts from this blog

Types of Friends

The other night, the friend that I watch tv and movies with was sharing something she had learned from a MOPS meeting. About the two different types of friends. Since that discussion, I've realized that there are at least 2 more types of friends and goofball that I am, I thought I'd share it all with you! Don't you feel lucky and special? :) 1. Mushroom Friends : These friends spring up over night and are in our lives just for a season. Kind of like the friends I made in school. The season is way over as I didn't even get Christmas cards from them this year [yes, I sent them cards]. 2. Oak Tree Friends : These friendships develop slowly, starting out small and laying down deep root systems. They last forever no matter how far apart the friends grow; time, distance, oceans and death cannot break the bond of friendship. They are the kind that years after being out of communication, if they heard you were in trouble {death in family, illness, etc...} they would drop stuff

My Happy Face

There is something wrong in this world when they steal the magnetic smiley face off the back of your car. Which someone has done. But, I only rolled my eyes heavenward and said, "Whatever!" Must be the neighborhood kids were bored or something.

A Situation

Ok. I need to think out loud here for a bit while I wait on email. I have a situation going on that could become tough. A bit of background: About 2 years ago, a single man started coming to my church and showed an interest in me. It lasted about a month and a half, with him giving me mixed signals all the time...since I have been praying for a husband for a while now, at the time, it seemed like my prayers were being answered despite the confusion. It all came down one night about midnight in his parking lot and I haven't talked to him since. He only stayed around for another 7-8 months, and those were very hard months. He lied to me and mislead me, often. Like it was second nature for him. It was made even more traumatic by a discovery of mine on a website shortly after he left the area. In September 2005, I had a blind date that was far from fruitful. My singleness and desire to be married is known to all in church, and so... To the present: Yes, another single man has walked in