Friday, April 25, 2008

Heart of loneliness

I feel so lonely right now.

I go to work with the same people night after night. None of them know me really. Not who I really am. Oh, they all like me, and are amused at some of my antics. They especially like it when I give myself a sugar high. But no one ever wants to look beneath the surface of the facade I give them. I have to give them that facade, because if there is anything that I learned from my time at First Baptist is that no one wants to see beyond it...such nakedness frightens people.

I suppose that I am faced with the same facades in others. Christina brags about how she is only really open with a few people. That came from a conversation we had about why she was being nasty to me. I wasn't asking her to be "open" with I can see far deeper into her than she would probably like...I was just asking that she treat me decently! Anyway. Some people I would be interested in getting to know better, others I already know too well.

I live with the same people. See them all the time. And am expected to play the same role I did when I was younger. Servant daughter to one. Bitchy older sister to the other. I am not a person. I am a means to an end. A payer of bills. Buyer of food. Blah blah blah.

I miss Carl. And I miss Kirk. Carl was one of the few people on nightshift that I considered a friend...and he told me that he thought of me as a friend too. How long do I give him to return my phone call before I give up on him? It hasn't even been 24 hours yet. And Kirk...was one of the few that I wanted to be friends with. He {almost} always had a smile for me. I don't see it as much on the one night a week that I get to see him now. He's back to being grumpy. I wonder if he's liking the switch to Dayshift as much as he thought he would?


M. C. Pearson said...

It is hard to loose a friend...

Sometimes we are put through loneliness to get closer to God. I know that sounds trite...but I believe it.

Thanks for the comment about Chosen. I plan to read it soon! Keegan went crazy over it. They're also putting it out as a graphic novel which will be so cool!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It's always the same at a workplace. Those we like will go, and those we don't stay behind.