Sunday, January 28, 2007

Just Venting, No Comments Allowed


Back in August, I awoke one morning to a sad revelation: everyone in my life has people, things ahead of me on their list of priorities. Some things I can deal with: like spouses and kids. Other things were just plain stupid {I happen to hate a certain person's dump truck with a passion}. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it did make me sad. It still does.

And today, another thing that I've realized is that for some reason....I'm just not good enough.

I'm not good enough to be a constant friend, just good enough to fill in as a substitute when she's fighting with her friend at work.

I'm not good enough for a real relationship, but good enough for a roll in the hay.

I'm not good enough to be in church leadership, but am good enough to prepare communion [well, that might have changed, I haven't done that for months]. I might be good enough to be a supervisor at work---someday.

I'm not good enough to cross the ocean for, just good enough to be a fancied friend. One of the reasons why I gave up on England last year, was because he was supposed to come over last summer to meet me...and he canceled. On one level, I understood his reasons. On another, I was very angry and disappointed. It broke my heart more than words can really express. I always felt that he should have done whatever was necessary to come meet me, but his feelings for me just weren't strong enough I guess.

You know, I'm a good woman. I'm not perfect, and I certainly have my flaws, and my bitchy moments, but at the heart of me is a good woman. Sometimes I might spend too much, sometimes I might eat too much chocolate, sometimes I spend too much time reading...but I am also generous, kind and loving...Love me and I will be yours for life....wrapped around your little finger...devoted...willing to be talked into doing anything you want me to do...not because I'm a doormat...but because I love you and want to please you. I am a passionate woman, and want to regarded in the same manner. I want to be treasured ... desired ... pampered ... respected ... loved ... fought for ... sought after ... important in your life ... Why is that so much to ask? Apparently because I'm not good enough!

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