Monday, January 24, 2011

Jesus Wept

In my last post I made a comment about how big girls don't cry is a lie. I got in 'trouble' at the last church I attended because of how much I wept. I was labeled "emotional". I was, and I am...and to this day I don't understand why this is a bad thing. I can think and reason with the best of them. I'm intelligent and witty and curious. The fact that I allow myself to express my emotions in a place that I thought was 'safe' because the presence of God was apparently erroneous.

No one ever asked why I was crying. They all assumed that every time was the same, that I was depressed. I cried for a variety of reasons. I was sad. I was glad. I was overwhelmed by His love. But like I said, no one ever asked.

Let's see. Jesus wept...It wasn't even His grief He was weeping about, it was compassion for Mary and Martha and their grief. The psalmists lamented...mixed right in with their praise and worship.

No one ever considered that I might be bi-polar. Even the suggestion was wrong. It was alright for the 'crazy lady' who knocked the cop down to be bi-polar{true story by the way}...but for me to suggest that I was..."Oh, it's just your is a roller coaster full of ups and downs." Yeah, ok. If that makes you feel better.

I was actually on some bi-polar medicine recently, for about a month. They were free samples from my doctor, and no doubt we'll be discussing it at my next appointment. I felt better. Oh, I still had my ups and downs...but they weren't as extreme {and they've been extreme since I changed jobs}. I don't know that I was always happy...but I felt more balanced.

I still say that it takes more strength to cry than it does to hold it in. Because you open yourself to ridicule and labels. I comfort myself in that He knew the reason why I cried, and that He caught every tear as they fell. Those people can just blow wind for all I care.

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