Friday, September 09, 2005

First Day

Today is the first full day of busdriving for me. This is good, mostly. This means I'll be back on a regular schedule four days out of the week [we generally don't have school on Fridays, except for today]. Hopefully this odd stretch of days will help me get back into the habit of getting up earlier...and it would be great if I could get up earlier than I had to so that I could do stuff, u know.

I'm having trust issues right now. Especially with my church's leadership. If my pastor says words that make me believe something that isn't true, isn't that lying? Of course, for some reason I've never quite understood, leadership can get away with that kind of a degree...I mean, look at Aaron from the Bible - he lied about how the Golden Calf was formed. I don't understand it...must have something to do with the anointing thing...King Saul was another one...he kept his kingly authority even though he left God's walk in a big way. A lie is a lie is a lie, right? Even in the name of God? How is it right to allow a person to believe that they believe what you're saying ... ... ... and later you find out that they don't believe you? I understand that leadership is testing people right now [something I don't think I'm supposed to know] ... ... ...I wouldn't be surprised if disciplining me 15 minutes before Sunday School starts was part of the I was set up, to see how I would take it. I don't feel tested right now...I'm feeling manipulated. Even by my friend/mentor.....she's leadership...and she's my friend........and I've been replaying some of the conversations we've had since Sunday [because I'm slightly obsessive compulsive about stuff] and I wonder how much she has said to me just to see what I would do with using the exact same phrase that got me in trouble. Am I supposed to go running to pastors saying, "she said it to"??? Am I supposed to go running to the rest of the Intercession Team to say that we're all being tested by leadership and that we've all failed?? Argh! I know that some of the stuff she has told me, even though she probably wasn't supposed to, because she wants to see me grown and she wants to see me excell and all that. But the 'bite me' comments make me wonder. I'm going to have to ask her how often she uses our relationship to test me...not that it would change anything, I'm just too curious for my own good.

I miss Captain day just isn't the same without him :( But he'll be back Sunday. I'll have to let him know where to find me.

We had a good prayer meeting last night...though we were all holding hands for a while [the untiy thing] and the woman holding my one hand was really getting passionate about something she was praying for and about took my arm out of the socket. It was soooo funny...cuz here I am praying, 'uhm, yeah Lord...what she's saying...just can you have her let go of my hand soon?' LOL! The nation is being called to prayer right now...and so we all have to learn to get along with our differences, right?

OK. I've rambled on long enough. Later!


rob said...

Wow, I'm really confused by your church woes. I realize that there's a lot of history that I don't know about, but still... Man, what's up with your church?!

Your church practices corporate punishment? What are you being punished for? Sounds... domineering to me, pardon my frankness.

Ciera said...

Well, I'm confused to, so don't feel bad.

It's that the mainleadership, Pastor, his wife, the praise and worship leader, and the prayer leader, are testing the congregation...for potential leadership/ministry positions. For ex. Mrs Pastor and Prayer leader - one will say, "I'm going to say such-and-such to so-and-so" to see if that person will be able to keep it a secret or if they'll go running to Mrs Pastor and tell her. So since the prayer leader is my friend/mentor...I wonder how many of our conversations are "tests"...whether she'd using her friendship to bait me into saying things I shouldn't even [I can think of one incident where she asked me if I knew what a certain couple's problem with her was...I used to hang out with that couple...if that was a test, I failed cuz I was dumb enough to answer her cuz she's my friend and I can trust her right?

I myself am being corrected [punished?] for mouthing off to the praise and worship leader in an email. A lot of it is my own fault. I thought of him as a father figure, and since I had trouble respecting my own dad...that and I made the mistake of trying to tell him how I felt and he mistook it as a crush so that when I in anger said, 'bite me' he took it as a sexual proposition and decided now was the time to give me a break from my overhead duties. It doesn't matter that I was only being rude and disrespecful and didn't actually know that those words had a sexual meaning...I spoke in anger idle words. Of course, I can never look him in the face again, but that's not my problem. there is enough right and wrong in this situation to choke a horse...but God will have to deal with their wrongs because they're leadership and I need to respect them even when they make me angry. No doubt I am wrong for even being angry. No doubt I am also wrong about publishing it here for all the world to see, but ig so, the Lord will have to deal with me on that too.....I can only worry about my own wrong's in this situation - - - #1 being - make sure you know what you're really saying!!!!

rob said...

#2: make sure you know who you're saying it too, and what their motives in your relationship are.

Sounds like the people you trusted with friendship had other motives in mind. That sounds like wrong to me, but I understand that my perspective is very, very limited.

A red flag pops up for me in how your church leadership are going about "testing" the lay people. Just seems unnecessary to me. There have GOT to be other means to conduct the leadership trials. Just sounds sort of... 5th grade to me. Silly and not at all attractive to the outside world. Why would one want to invite an outsider to a church like this?

Sorry for ranting, but I have my own church issues, and yours sound all too familiar.

Ciera said...

Sorry if my transparency's hitting a nerve! It seems to me like there'd be a different way, but my persepective isn't all that great either. {shrug} I'm here till God moves me, so if this is what the people's He's put in leadership wants to do....He's gonna have to give me the grace to survive!!!

Rob said...

That's a good perspective, Ciera. Keep it up. :-)