Sunday, September 11, 2005


What was I thinking when I agreed to work Sunday nights? I was out of my mind. I shouldn't be here. It's just not right. I feel wrong. I am going to miss most of prayer meeting next Sunday night :-( and I HATE missing prayer meetings!!! May the Lord grant me the favor to back out of this easily.

Here's a question I can never ask my Pastor. I mean - never. "Pastor, do you ever wish I'd just go away and become someone else's 'problem'?" I would sooo get the 'over the glasses' look. I know it's an insecurity issue...but that doesn't always make the feeling go away. I admit it...I sometimes get scared that I am going to mess up so bad that they would stop loving me, or that they would want me to go away. I once said as much to Chief...and I have totally screwed that relationship up. I can't even look him in the face right now cuz I"m so embarrassed [not that it matters cuz he's not looking at me either!] - it'll be a miracle if it ever gets fixed...I hope it does, cuz he's my P&W leader and was/is? a father figure and I was always hoping I could ask him to walk me down the aisle should the Lord ever lead me to that wonderful "Mr. Right". A foolish fantasy perhaps, but it was how I've been imagining it. - - - - And there is a part of me that is really tense on the inside right I going to mess my other relationships up???? It scares me to the point I loose sleep over it. I know I'll see the way through this and have victory....but I'm not there yet....

Here are some good quotes from a book I've been reading. "A Man Called Blessed" by Bill Bright and Ted Dekker. It's fiction, but it is packed full of truth, so I always have a God moment whenI read it. #1 - "Adversity introduces a man to himself. And we need to know ourselves before we can know what needs to die." Good one. This most recent 'episode' in my life has revealed: pride, insecurity deeper than I thought, brattiness, anger issues. OK. #2 - "You say that you may not be living up to your beliefs, but by definition, this is impossible. We always live up or down to our beliefs. Beliefs are the rails which govern our lives. Our trains roll on them whether we like it or not. If you're train is not rolling on the set of rails which you claim are yours, it's because you have diverted your train to another set of rails - these are your true beliefs, not the rails you left. Unless you first understand this, you can never find what you seek." Oooh.

We had a good day today. My kids did GREAT in our Kids Sunday service. they did a dance to a Petra song...we worked close to a month on it [practice practice practice!!!]...All the kids did GREAT!

ok. going to go play the weekend game.


utenzi said...

Working Sunday evenings when you have church on your mind must be difficult. At least you know that your pastor must be behaving himself today. I doubt that's much solace but if he starts with one day a week... maybe it'll spread to the other days as well.

Michele sent me, Ciera.

Ciera said...

LOL! My pastor ALWAYS behaves himself! I've never seen such a straightlaced person before. It's been reported that he never ever ever says a cuss word...not even 'darn' when he gets mad [and I've seen him mad...oooh].

Now MRS pastor...she was telling a story during service today to the kids and she tackled a kid who wasn't paying attention...kidding. She slipped and fell off the was very graceful...and no one was hurt and even the kid was laughing about it when it was over and done with!!!!

sage said...

Don't think of yourself as a problem, Ciera. Ever heard of "unconditional love." God loves us unconditionally. That's all that matters, if other folks don't love us unconditionally, it's their loss.

Michelle sent me.

Angela said...

Hey Ciera, Michele sent me... you've got a great place here. I have so much respect and admiration for those who follow God so closely. You're an inspiration :)