Skip to main content

Hodgepodge

What was I thinking when I agreed to work Sunday nights? I was out of my mind. I shouldn't be here. It's just not right. I feel wrong. I am going to miss most of prayer meeting next Sunday night :-( and I HATE missing prayer meetings!!! May the Lord grant me the favor to back out of this easily.

Here's a question I can never ask my Pastor. I mean - never. "Pastor, do you ever wish I'd just go away and become someone else's 'problem'?" I would sooo get the 'over the glasses' look. I know it's an insecurity issue...but that doesn't always make the feeling go away. I admit it...I sometimes get scared that I am going to mess up so bad that they would stop loving me, or that they would want me to go away. I once said as much to Chief...and I have totally screwed that relationship up. I can't even look him in the face right now cuz I"m so embarrassed [not that it matters cuz he's not looking at me either!] - it'll be a miracle if it ever gets fixed...I hope it does, cuz he's my P&W leader and was/is? a father figure and I was always hoping I could ask him to walk me down the aisle should the Lord ever lead me to that wonderful "Mr. Right". A foolish fantasy perhaps, but it was how I've been imagining it. - - - - And there is a part of me that is really tense on the inside right now...wondering...am I going to mess my other relationships up???? It scares me to the point I loose sleep over it. I know I'll see the way through this and have victory....but I'm not there yet....

Here are some good quotes from a book I've been reading. "A Man Called Blessed" by Bill Bright and Ted Dekker. It's fiction, but it is packed full of truth, so I always have a God moment whenI read it. #1 - "Adversity introduces a man to himself. And we need to know ourselves before we can know what needs to die." Good one. This most recent 'episode' in my life has revealed: pride, insecurity deeper than I thought, brattiness, anger issues. OK. #2 - "You say that you may not be living up to your beliefs, but by definition, this is impossible. We always live up or down to our beliefs. Beliefs are the rails which govern our lives. Our trains roll on them whether we like it or not. If you're train is not rolling on the set of rails which you claim are yours, it's because you have diverted your train to another set of rails - these are your true beliefs, not the rails you left. Unless you first understand this, you can never find what you seek." Oooh.

We had a good day today. My kids did GREAT in our Kids Sunday service. they did a dance to a Petra song...we worked close to a month on it [practice practice practice!!!]...All the kids did GREAT!

ok. going to go play the weekend game.

Comments

utenzi said…
Working Sunday evenings when you have church on your mind must be difficult. At least you know that your pastor must be behaving himself today. I doubt that's much solace but if he starts with one day a week... maybe it'll spread to the other days as well.

Michele sent me, Ciera.
Ciera said…
LOL! My pastor ALWAYS behaves himself! I've never seen such a straightlaced person before. It's been reported that he never ever ever says a cuss word...not even 'darn' when he gets mad [and I've seen him mad...oooh].

Now MRS pastor...she was telling a story during service today to the kids and she tackled a kid who wasn't paying attention...kidding. She slipped and fell off the platform...it was very graceful...and no one was hurt and even the kid was laughing about it when it was over and done with!!!!
sage said…
Don't think of yourself as a problem, Ciera. Ever heard of "unconditional love." God loves us unconditionally. That's all that matters, if other folks don't love us unconditionally, it's their loss.

Michelle sent me.
Anonymous said…
Hey Ciera, Michele sent me... you've got a great place here. I have so much respect and admiration for those who follow God so closely. You're an inspiration :)

Popular posts from this blog

Types of Friends

The other night, the friend that I watch tv and movies with was sharing something she had learned from a MOPS meeting. About the two different types of friends. Since that discussion, I've realized that there are at least 2 more types of friends and goofball that I am, I thought I'd share it all with you! Don't you feel lucky and special? :) 1. Mushroom Friends : These friends spring up over night and are in our lives just for a season. Kind of like the friends I made in school. The season is way over as I didn't even get Christmas cards from them this year [yes, I sent them cards]. 2. Oak Tree Friends : These friendships develop slowly, starting out small and laying down deep root systems. They last forever no matter how far apart the friends grow; time, distance, oceans and death cannot break the bond of friendship. They are the kind that years after being out of communication, if they heard you were in trouble {death in family, illness, etc...} they would drop stuff

My Happy Face

There is something wrong in this world when they steal the magnetic smiley face off the back of your car. Which someone has done. But, I only rolled my eyes heavenward and said, "Whatever!" Must be the neighborhood kids were bored or something.

A Situation

Ok. I need to think out loud here for a bit while I wait on email. I have a situation going on that could become tough. A bit of background: About 2 years ago, a single man started coming to my church and showed an interest in me. It lasted about a month and a half, with him giving me mixed signals all the time...since I have been praying for a husband for a while now, at the time, it seemed like my prayers were being answered despite the confusion. It all came down one night about midnight in his parking lot and I haven't talked to him since. He only stayed around for another 7-8 months, and those were very hard months. He lied to me and mislead me, often. Like it was second nature for him. It was made even more traumatic by a discovery of mine on a website shortly after he left the area. In September 2005, I had a blind date that was far from fruitful. My singleness and desire to be married is known to all in church, and so... To the present: Yes, another single man has walked in